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My Story:
20 years of
loneliness and datelessness in
(1982 - 2002)
By
Winston Wu (wwu777us@yahoo.com)
Part 1:
Persecution and ostracization from peers 1982 –
1991
Part 2:
Chronic loneliness in adulthood in an anti-social
society 1992 – 2001
Hello, I am Winston Wu. And this is my story.
It is a very sad story, but culminates in a happy solution at the end, albeit an unconventional one. This is the sad tale of a constant loser in America with an iron will, who persevered through decades of suffering and futility, until he found his solution. Although the solution worked and provided the permanent results that led to the fruition of my dreams and fantasies, it was highly unconventional and taboo as well.
If any of you ever considered yourselves a "loser" before, perhaps after reading my story you won't feel so bad compared to what I went through.
For most of my life, I had been ostracized from having any sort of life in America. Instead I suffered unjust persecution from my peers and society. My days were filled with mostly loneliness and boredom. And nothing I did changed any of it permanently.
That is, until I went abroad.
Here is how it all began.
Part
1: Persecution and ostracization from peers 1982 - 1991
Born
in
I
had a happy childhood in
I
even had my first crush when I was 6 or 7.
She was a blonde named Angela.
Something about her made me feel intoxicated, weak,
vulnerable and in a
daze. I had no idea
what to do about it
except tease her and pretend I hated her. From that point on, I feared
women
for how weak and vulnerable they could make me feel.
But
just before 3rd grade, when we moved from
It
made no sense, and tarnished my view of the world and the fairness of
life. As
Job lamented in the Old Testament, why am I being made to suffer so
much even
though I've done nothing wrong? And
since I was weak, shy, and timid, I couldn't do anything about it or
stand up
for myself. All this destroyed my self-esteem, and I lived each day in
fear,
waiting and hoping that this painful predicament would subside. But it didn't, so I was
left to endure it in
pain.
This
period greatly retarded my mental, emotional, and psychological
development,
for sure. Instead
of growing up with
normal experiences, all I could do everyday was endure and wait for all
the
torture and pain of being ostracized and spat upon to subside.
This
continued on throughout the rest of elementary school, junior high, and
high
school, in varying degrees. I never felt liked, accepted, or even
respected,
only made a scapegoat by all my peers to vent their hatred and
aggression on. I
hated it and resented it like hell, but I felt powerless to do anything
about
it, and had no self-confidence either. Plus at that age, I saw my duty
as a
child who goes to school. I could not see it any other way.
The
only highlight of my day was during lunch, when I would eat a tasty
meal that
temporarily made me forget the social/psychological hell I was in. The ham and cheese
sandwich, tator tots, and
chocolate milk of the school meal was my only pleasure and escape of
the day.
Either that or my mom's tuna sandwich, cheese n crackers, milk, and
apple in a
lunch bag.
That,
and after school when I would watch reruns of Star Trek or cartoons. I
especially had an affinity toward Star Trek. Mr. Spock was so logical
and
everything he did made sense, which was a total contrast to my life
which made
no sense at all. That's why he was such a great escape for me. That, and I idolized
Captain Kirk who had such
a brave courageous personality, the kind I wished I had. Plus, shows like Star Trek
and Star Wars
stimulated my imagination and lust for fantasy, which I needed badly as
an
escape from my horrid predicament.
I also
liked many other sci fi shows at the time (Lost in Space, Buck Rogers,
Battlestar
Galactica, The Six Million Dollar Man).
These shows made sense to me.
They were simply about good guys vs bad guys and every
character had
understandable motivations, whereas my life, where I was tormented by a
whole
class for doing nothing wrong, made no sense at all.
My
summer vacations were boring as hell. The few friends I did have never
kept
their promises to get together. And I had no fun or adventure like you
were
"supposed" to. Instead, with both my parents working and being
trapped in the suburbs, I had nowhere to go but stay home and watch
And
my birthdays were so sad too. No
one to
invite or throw a party with. It
was
just me and my parents singing and eating cake.
It was so sad that I often cried in futility. Deep down, I
wanted and
believed that I deserved a lot better.
One
time, I even hurt my mom and made her cry, by telling her how much I
hated her
for bringing me into this world to suffer like this.
I just hated myself so much, since everyone
else did as well, and had no one to blame but her. In effect, I
transferred the
hatred from my peers to her, passing on the pain, hatred and blame. That's how desperate and
end of the rope I
was. So horrible
and sad.
And
I'll never understand why the school staff allows all these horrible
things to
happen at their school. It seems so cruel and senseless. Aren't the
teachers
reasonably intelligent adults? Why
don't
they do anything about it?
When
6th grade began, followed by junior high at Hopkins, my peers were
starting to
"date" or "go with" as they put it, I felt totally unworthy
to even enter the dating scene that it was out of the question, and I
was too
scared to talk to girls anyway, as I didn't know what to say to them,
and I
hated how they made me feel weak and strange all over. Girls picked up
on this,
and some took advantage and chased me for fun.
Some of the girls were cute, but them chasing me as a
group was
frightening to me at the time.
In
7th grade, I had a crush for a whole year on this blonde girl named
Emily. I
dreamed about her 24/7 that year, always feeling weak and possessed by
the
thought of her. It
was like an illness I
thought I'd never recover from. In
spite
of this though, I didn't have the guts to even say hi to her. Every time she walked by,
I would become
paralyzed with fear, as well as intoxicated, and hate myself for that
afterward. A friend
of mine heard
through the grapevine that she thought I was cute too. But I never had
the guts
nor self-worth to follow up on it. Two years later though, in 9th
grade, when I
found her next to me in a class, I finally did utter a few words to
her, which
shocked her. She seemed pleasantly surprised and perhaps was receptive
to me
and still liked me, but my crush on her had already worn out, so I
didn't
really care. I'll
always wonder though,
what would have happened if I had asked her to "go with" me.
(Her
name was Emily Steinkamp by the way, and if any of you reading this
knows her
or knows how to find her, please try to get her in touch with me)
When
high school began in Mission San Jose in 1987, as well as 9th grade, I
had a new
crush, a cute brunette named Richelle Faria, who lived only a few
blocks down
the street from me. The
interesting
thing is, my best friend at the time, a Filipino-Chinese guy named
James
Hernandez, also had a crush on her. I never told him that I did though,
so we
had this three way drama for a year.
(Amazingly,
when I visited
In
high school, strong cliques had formed, and biases and opinions were as
strong
as ever, as students had begun puberty and were struggling to form an
identity. The new
problem for me was
that I didn't fit into any of the cliques, not even with the nerds who
made
geeky jokes that I didn't find funny, nor did I ever see myself as a
"nerd" anyway. But alas, you had to join a clique in high school to
have any friends or have any social life or go to any parties or be
anything. But the
whole clique and social scene in high
school made me feel very uncomfortable.
It all seemed so fake, unnatural and immature. And the way kids acted in
high school in
general made me very uncomfortable.
I
could not be like them, nor did I want to be.
They seemed so barbaric.
I didn't
feel like I belonged or fit in anywhere.
My peers picked up on this, and so they teased me and spat
on me even
more.
Not
only was I clueless about how to join a clique, but deep down, I didn't
even
really want to try to join one. It didn't feel natural to even try.
Plus, I
still had no confidence or self-esteem either.
So, again I was ostracized from all social life and dating
among my
peers. I had no dates, not even female friends, never went out, never
went to
school dances or proms, and never went to any parties.
I envied those who did, but I could just never be one of
them.
It's
not that I wasn't attracted to girls.
Far from it. I
was horny as hell
everyday, especially in the afternoon when I was bored and restless in
my desk,
my hormones would be raging like a storm as I fantasized and lusted
after all
the girls around me shorts and tank tops.
I had crushes and sexual desires for many girls, and I
jacked off a lot
while thinking about them when I got home (and in fact, I started
jacking off
when I was 8 years old, but I didn't know what it was called at the
time). It's just
that I and my peers saw myself as a
total loser not worthy to even try to be interested in girls. When everyone is against
you, it's hard to go
against them.
Even
the few friends or acquaintances I found to hang out with during lunch,
looked
reluctant and ashamed at my presence, as though I was damaging their
image by
being around them. I
constantly felt
unwanted, unloved, and worse of all, I had no identity.
I was merely a misfit who was different and
didn't fit in anywhere and was unwanted anywhere too.
I
often wondered if the rest of my life was going to be like this, and if
the
world after high school would be the same.
If it was, my life could only end in suicide, I thought. (Fortunately, it wasn't)
If you want to imagine what it was like, picture the situation in the movie "Karate Kid" where Ralph Macchio kept getting beaten up and bullied by that group of karate bullies. But instead of just one small group of guys, imagine an entire school of them. That was my situation. But I had it far worse than "The Karate Kid" in fact, because he at least had a girlfriend he went out with and kissed, whereas I didn't even have that. I was ostracized and asexual in the school social scene.
To try to find meaning and
consolation in all this, I turned
to Evangelical Christianity. Its Gospel message gave me
solace and made
sense out of my unjust persecution. And its absolutist
doctrines and
precepts gave my chaotic life some kind of structure and order.
The
belief that upon accepting Christ, I was one of the special chosen one,
and
that the rest of the world which was persecuting me was evil, fallen,
and under
the influence of Satan, gave my predicament enough meaning to help me
get
through the day. At least it did so for two years.
Afterward, I
would have an on and off relationship with it until I left high school,
where I
would start leaning toward New Age beliefs.
When my junior year of high school
came (the year which many
claim is the most fun and memorable), the classes and homework became
much
harder. That created another problem for me. You
see, I didn't like
to study (in spite of what everyone thought), and sitting and taking
notes to
memorize them did not come naturally to me. Studying and
taking tests
felt like a prison. My mind was a wanderer who preferred to indulge in
imagination. I was a thinker and adventurer. It was not in my
nature to
sit, take notes, and memorize a ton of stuff I'd never even use in
life.
Thus,
I didn't fit in high school socially nor academically, neither among my
peers
nor the administration and their whole "system".
Frankly,
I'll never understand why God, mother nature, or destiny puts people
like me in
places and situations they don't fit into at all. It makes no sense. In
fact,
all my life circumstances have placed me in lose-lose situations, and I
never
understood why. Perhaps I am so independent-minded that I am unable to
"conform" to anything, at least in the
In
short, I had nothing going for me - I didn't get good grades, wasn't
good at
sports, had no real friends, no social life, no fun, not even any
self-worth. It was
the lowest point one
could go. In
addition, I had no siblings
to come home to console me, since I was an only child.
I was the ultimate loser from every angle.
But I was a loser with an iron will, strong
desires, and an imagination to live for.
Unable
to cope, I somehow developed these strange OCD symptoms which
caused me
to
retreat for hours each day and night into bizarre rituals that made no
sense,
but which I felt I had to do to quell anxiety, fear and negativity in
my mind. I guess it was the only thing I had control over,
since
I couldn't deal with my external circumstances. My own mind became a
prison for
me. This made it virtually impossible now to get any homework or
studying done.
And my grades plummeted sharply.
Eventually,
things got so bad and I became so depressed and dysfunctional
that I could no longer
function in the
rigid schedule of school and its pressures, where I was not even happy. So I had to pull out of
school and go on home
schooling. My
self-esteem had now gone
down into the negative values range, and that put me in such great pain
that I
wanted to commit suicide to be free of such torment, though I didn't
have the
guts to do so. All day and night I was gripped in fear and a sense of
doom,
dread and hopelessness. I even woke up in extreme terror. It was awful. I could
barely even keep up
with the home schooling even though it was easier, I was just too
depressed to
study.
No
one could understand me. My
own home
felt like an insane asylum, even though it was a very nice home. Even the few friends that
I had abandoned me,
including Wesley Chang, my long-time best friend
of 8 years, who had become a totally
different and worse person, and James Hernandez, my closest confidante.
When
the famous 1989
Not
knowing what to do, my parents, at the advice of an unsympathetic
psychiatrist,
put me in a mental rehab center for a month.
It actually turned out to be a nice place, with a swimming
pool,
entertainment lounge, good food, fun counselors, and various health and
arts
and crafts activities. It
was like a
resort almost. Though I don't think I had a real mental illness that
needed to
be treated, the time there was a big stress reliever that did end up
making me
feel a lot better afterward. At
least I
regained the ability to enjoy things again afterward.
That
summer, after the year was over, we decided that I needed a great
getaway for
rejuvenation and change of environment.
So I went to
After
a year there, I had a new sense of self-worth and confidence. I felt rejuvenated and
ready to take on life
again. I dreaded
going back to the
states, but part of me missed home and all its treasures (such as UNO's
pizzeria). My only consolation was that my peers at Mission San Jose
high
school that had spat upon me daily before had already graduated by
then, so I
wouldn't have to deal with those specific people again. Plus I was
going to a
new high school anyway, so I could begin anew.
But I only needed to finish one more year of high school,
then I'd be
free of that hellish prison.
So
I finished my senior year at
To
avoid looking like a loner or loser during lunch, I would go off campus
and
hang out somewhere during that hour, or join some club meeting and
pretend to
be interested in the activities there. It didn't really matter that
much
though, because at least I was not hated, spat upon, or "picked on"
for having no clique or being different.
Most of my peers respected me for being smart and
knowledgeable, getting
good grades, and acting confident and well poised.
So they let me be at least.
And that was important cause peace of mind
was what I needed most at the time, even without a social life.
With
peace of mind and my self-esteem rejuvenated, my mental and emotional
development was allowed to resume its course.
Amazingly, I soon discovered that my communication skills
had shot up
from zero to good. I
was now able to
articulate and express myself assertively and confidently, unlike
before. Plus
I felt more intelligent, knowledgeable and empowered, like it just
emerged out
from my deep recesses. I suddenly had the ability to write well too,
with solid
grammar and coherent ideas. I seem to have been reborn with
new abilities and desires.
Part
2: Chronic loneliness in adulthood in an anti-social society 1992 - 2001
After
high school, I had a profoundly rich sense of freedom, one that was
beyond
words and perhaps could never be matched again.
I felt like someone finally freed from years of prison. That nightmare called
"public
school" that I was forced to endure for years was finally over. Now I could do whatever I
wanted. I was a new
creature who was born again, and
life was back in my hands. I'll
never
forget this incredible feeling, and nothing I've ever experienced since
then
has ever compared to it.
I
started junior college at
It
was a new beginning in my life, in so many ways.
Plus, with Bill Clinton now elected President
after the much hated George Bush left, the nation felt the wave of a
fresh new
beginning as well.
However,
with zero girlfriends and no dates throughout high school, I longed to
taste my
first experience of the opposite sex. And I badly wanted to make up for
having
no dates or female action in high school. So I began talking to a lot
of girls,
hoping that something would happen. I was very confident, talkative and
social,
so I thought it was only a matter of time before I would start getting
dates.
After all, it looked so easy in movies portraying college life. But alas, there seemed to
be a barrier. The
girls would talk to you about school
stuff and were really polite, but asking them out felt like violating
some kind
of unspoken rule.
There
were these two attractive girls I liked that I talked to regularly,
Kelly
(blonde) and Sarah (Korean). I
kept
imagining that they liked me, but I was deluding myself. Every week, with nothing
to do on weekends, I
would call them up and see if they would do something with me, but they
kept
making excuses. This
went on for
months. But I
couldn't accept that I was
unable to get any dates, so I persisted.
The
following year, I finally had my first girlfriend, but not without
struggle.
She was a short but cute Vietnamese girl.
She had a boyfriend at the time, but their relationship
was on the
rocks, and she eventually chose me over him.
With her, I had my first kiss and lost my virginity soon
afterward. I went
out a lot with her and her large
network of Vietnamese friends and family.
But she had a nasty temper and was very small minded, so
we had a lot of
fights and arguments. After
two years,
we finally let go of each other, but remained friends.
After
that relationship, I began seeking girls again.
This time, I was set on finding a Caucasian girl, my
ultimate
fantasy. After all,
I thought, to be in
I
longed for hot action, hot romance, and the pleasure of beautiful white
women. But alas, I
was now at a big
university, Cal State Hayward, where socializing was even more
difficult and
uncommon than the community college I went to before, which I now
missed.
Though there were many more girls at that university, generally they
did not
want to talk to you unless it was school or class related. Also, it was
known
as a commuter school, where people came and went back to their
off-campus life
at their convenience.
Plus,
it was the mid-90's, and a new wave of man-hating feminism had began in
this
country, taking hold especially on the West Coast.
Women now had the mentality that men were
creeps by nature, and to be blamed for all their problems. This was
reflected
in the media and on day time talk shows as well. Suddenly, the women
became
more defensive and non-open to meeting men more than ever.
You
see, back in the 80's and prior, American women were still relatively
friendly
and normal. But I was too young, shy and insecure to date them back
then. Now
that it was the 90's and I was willing and ready though, it was too
late. The
man-hating phase had begun. Women
were now defensive, paranoid, and
anti-social, often preferring to be alone or with pets than with men.
It no
longer mattered that I was no longer shy or that I could initiate
conversation
with them boldly.
Thus,
it was a case of bad timing - I was ready to date at a time when the
market had
turned heavily against me. Also,
another
case of wrong timing is that back in high school, when people bonded in
cliques
of everyday friends, they were open and willing to make friends at that
time.
But in post-college and adult life, people were more isolationist,
preferred to
keep to themselves, do their own thing, and only meet for convenience.
Back in
high school I was too shy with no social skills and no confidence, so I
lacked
the power and energy to bond and make friends with others. But now in college, where
I had social
skills, confidence, great communication skills, and was finally ready
to bond
with others, people had become anti-social.
They seem to have passed that stage and were no longer
interested in
meeting people. They
either no longer
needed it or had their own family and clique and did not need any new
stimulation in their lives. Thus,
another case of bad/wrong timing.
But
nevertheless, I didn't give up. Everyday
I tried meeting girls, both on campus and off campus, thinking that by
doing
that I would be statistically guaranteed "some" dates at least. Time
and time again I was proven wrong.
But
with my intense unswerving will power, I would not give up.
This
went on for the next two years!
My
weekends became boring again, like they were before my first
girlfriend. I had
nothing to do except stay home and read, talk to my parents, or do
homework
(which I hated). I
had no parties to go
to, few friends to hang out with, and no dates of course. Again I was totally
ostracized against my
will. Sometimes my folks took me out to eat, shop, go to the park, or
to visit
their prudish and square family friends. It was soooooo sooooo sad. But
what
could I do? Sociality
seemed totally
against the flow.
Summers
were also boring as well. I
couldn't
find anything to do, never got invited anywhere, never had any fun
times or
wild times or hot girls, etc. It
was
miserable and I felt so futile since I couldn't do anything about it,
and if I
tried, it felt like I was going against the flow.
So dismal.
I never got invited to any New Year's parties either. It was just countless
disappointment against
my will, one after another, endlessly.
Worst
of all, when I was out at night and saw couples happily making out in
the car
or somewhere, I'd burn with envy and anger that I was not getting any.
And when
I saw happy couples walking about in the day I also was green with
envy,
longing for a nice girl by my side like that. This
happened literally thousands of
times! Or I would
see hot girls
everywhere and feel helpless to do anything about it.
I couldn't get them.
All I could do was go home and masturbate
while I fantasized about them later. This happened everyday.
I
tried everything, joining clubs, fraternities, church groups, dance
classes,
chatting up girls in public, etc. but nothing came of it. Even trying to get dates
felt completely
against the flow. It
seemed I was meant
to be a dateless loser unable to live any of my desires or fantasies,
and there
was nothing I could do about it.
Some
gave me the clicheish advice that I was trying too hard and that I
should just
relax and let things happen naturally. "You'll meet the right person
someday" was the overused cliche we've all heard before. But the thing is, even if
I followed that
advice and stop "trying so hard" the result would be the same - ZERO
decent dates and no game. So
what was
the point? Either
way, it was a
LOSE-LOSE situation, like most of my life had been. Besides,
I
wasn't necessarily looking for "the right person". I just
wanted
some cool fun girls to hang out with. Why is that so God damn
impossible?!
Though
I was in denial about it at the time, another factor going against me
was that
white females simply found Asian males the least attractive, especially
Oriental looking males. They
wouldn't
admit it to you of course in this politically correct culture, but it
was
apparent and admitted through the grapevine. And it was obvious from
looking at
online personal ads as well, where almost all the white American
females said
they only wanted white males. A
few
liked Black and Hispanic men, but it was very rare to find one that
liked Asian
men. So, the race
factor was also
working heavily against me as well.
At
one point, desperate for "white female touch" and needing it badly,
during a family vacation in
There
was another time when I got a hooker from the internet. She came over
one night
and turned out to be a tall Italian beauty.
I was mesmerized by her.
But she
was expensive, $200 an hour, the standard price in the
Back
in college, my classes in business administration were not exciting
either.
They became harder and more boring, with economics and calculus being
required. My grades
started to drop, as
I realized that I had no interest or enthusiasm in business studies,
which I
had chosen out of safety due to their practical broadness. My real passion was in
English, History, or
Philosophy, but I thought a degree in those was useless. But in any case, I
couldn't concentrate or
focus on preparing for any future career anyway, since I was plagued
with
chronic loneliness, datelessness, sexlessness, and obsessed with trying
to
change that, always fighting a losing battle but never giving up either. Thus, careers and jobs
were the furthest
thing from my mind.
Looking
for something that would interest me, I began pursuing acting, my life
long
dream during childhood which I never had the confidence or self-esteem
to
pursue before. It was the perfect field for me, cause I loved attention
and
loved to express myself, and it allowed me to play fantasy make
believe, a
world which I was already in anyway. I was also hoping that such a
medium would
also allow me to meet like-minded girls and be popular with them. So I
got
involved in drama classes, school plays and films.
Now
I had lot of fun in acting and was exciting by the whole thing. I found that I was good at
it too, I required
very little rehearsal to get my part right. I got small roles here and
there,
and eventually started doing extra work in movies shot in
But
again, the girls only interacted with me regarding class related
issues, nothing
outside of that. Again
I wondered why it
looked so easy in the movies, but in real life it was awkward and
unnatural, at
least for me. So
yet again, I was left
with the torture of seeing so many girls all around me but unable to
get any
dates or action.
At
that time, in 1996, the internet had taken root in our society as a
whole new
medium. Knowing
that I would probably
become addicted to it, I went ahead and signed up for my first AOL
account
anyway. With nowhere else to turn, at least I had a new medium to turn
to now
that could open up a whole new world, making me a computer nerd for
life. Oh well.
So
I began chatting online. It
was fun
being able to flirt with girls online and say things to them that you
could
otherwise never say in person. But
whenever I would meet the girls offline, they either turned out to be
fat and
ugly, or skinny and normal looking but not interested in me. Even when I met girls I
had a lot in common
with, they'd still blow me off. Finally,
one day I met a girl who was serious about me and very consistent in
her
affection and interest in me. Her
name
was Robin, and we chatted every day, becoming closer and closer each
day. But she lived
in
After
graduating from college with a business degree and minor in marketing,
I had no
idea what to do next. I
was scorned,
bitter and angry that my last two years of college were such a
disappointment
in social and dating life. Even
though I
tried EVERYDAY for two years to meet women and get dates in college and
out in
public, I ended up with ZERO decent dates that went well! None of my fantasies with
white girls were
lived, in spite of all the enormous effort and time that I put into
attaining
it. I could not
accept this at all. It
was completely abhorrent, a total
disgrace, and I was even ashamed to think about it.
I
was already 25, and yet I didn't even have the dating experiences with
good
looking girls that typical 16 year olds have already had! Horrid!
To think that I wasted two years of my life in futility,
and worst of
all, I could never get those years back!
All I could do was be in denial about it.
So
with nowhere to turn, and no other goals, I flew to
After
spending the summer together, I flew back to
We
lived a comfortable peaceful life together.
But I soon became bored.
First
off, she was not an exciting person.
She
had no intellectual life, no sense of adventure, but instead thrived on
routine
and predictability. I
received little
stimulation from her, except her comforting touch and companionship at
night. Eventually
the sex became stale
too, so that I constantly checked out every attractive female around me.
Also,
the job market sucked in that college town.
There were only dead end and crappy jobs, nothing in the
fields that I
wanted, such as marketing and advertising.
So my life quickly became a rut.
I had nowhere to grow into.
And
people there were even more reserved and kept to themselves than they
were in
I
did some promotion gigs in
Soon
I became restless and unhappy, but I didn't want to leave and
jeopardize my
relationship with Robin, which I had spent two years searching for.
(And that's
the problem in
I
realized that although
After
a year of this, I kept dreaming of my days back in sunny
That
was it. With that,
I had no place to
move back to in
My
parents bought a very nice four story house with a waterfront view,
trees and
wild deer around. It
was perfect. Since
I was a job hopper there without a
steady good income, and didn't want to sign another yearly lease on my
apartment, me and Robin moved into my parent's new mansion to ease
ourselves of
the burden of paying rent, and hopefully to save up money for our
future
together.
I
was in a nice home with naturesque surroundings, but I still had no
interesting
life, only a dull but comfortable one to wake up to.
Frustrated and not knowing what to do, I
suffered in "quiet desperation".
Eventually Robin started looking down on me. She was highly career
oriented with rigid set
goals and no imagination. So
she could
not really relate to my situation. I wasn't like her, so she began
losing
respect for me and my ability to function in life and be an equal
contributing
partner to her.
For
the next year, I tried to be productive by taking crappy jobs that I
didn't
like and wasn't cut out for, just to have a job at least and appear to
be a
working citizen to Robin. They included low paying retail jobs and
monotonous
mind numbing data entry jobs, a total mismatch and waste of my skills
and
talent.
These
jobs ended up with either me being laid off for not fitting in, or me
feeling
suffocated so much that I had to quit.
I
did find some promising good paying positions in fields that I wanted
which had
potential, such as marketing assistant, photographer, etc. and I was
very close
to securing them, but they kept going to other people, or the company
had a
hiring freeze. I
kept missing by a
little.
To
fill my spare time, I would read up on the paranormal and metaphysics,
and
write to express myself about topics I had strong opinions about. After all, Robin was
giving me no
intellectual stimulation, and my brain needed "exercise", so I had to
get those things another way.
Eventually,
Robin and I grew apart. We
were no
longer in love and I felt no attraction for her anymore. The sex was
also
completely stale. I merely kept her around so that I wouldn't have to
fall into
desperation and datelessness again as I had been before I met her. I didn't want to go back
to being alone
everyday trying pathetically to start up conversations with women who
didn't
want to meet me, as I was before I left
The
straw that broke the camel's back came one day, when she saw me
flirting with
other girls online. The
next day, after
losing my job at a shitty car rental agency due to bad chemistry with
my
manager, Robin announced when I came home that she wanted to break up
for good,
and that her decision was final. So, I lost a job and girlfriend on the
same
day, a double whammy. People
that have
experienced that say that it's a sign that your life needs a whole new
direction.
I
was in denial at first, since I always believed that if we had
problems, we
would at least talk things out first.
But she was firm about it.
A few
days later, when she moved out to stay with one of our friends, I
pleaded with
her, begging and crying. I
felt like one
of my body limbs was about to be torn off.
But she ignored me and wouldn't budge.
When she left, I was horrified and filled with an
impending sense of
doom and dread.
For
the next few months, I was in so much pain that I sometimes could not
even move
from bed. And I
often woke up with a
sense of terror inside, unable to face my reality of being alone again. It was similar to that
period back in 1989
when I dropped out of high school.
I was
in so much pain constantly, that I didn't think I could survive.
And
to think that during our relationship, I was there for her when she
cried when
her dog died, and also when she cried when her grandmother passed away,
yet
when I cried after she left, all she would say was that it was my
problem and
that I would have to deal with it.
So
much for tenderness and caring warmth.
These American women truly had no heart deep inside, not
the kind that
we do. Thus, I
became disillusioned and
jaded with them, and rightfully so.
It
was obvious that deep down, American women only cared about themselves,
and
were only out to fend for themselves in the end.
And this was the case even with the nicest of
them, such as Robin. Thus,
I could no
longer trust them or give them my heart.
Through
my network of parapsychology circles I knew from my paranormal writing,
I met a
guy named John Benneth, one of the enemies of paranormal debunker James
Randi
and his million dollar psychic challenge.
Benneth offered me some acting work in his theater down in
So,
when most my strength regained, I prepared for the trip down south that
summer
of 2001. During the
long drive down, I
felt many bouts of sadness and pain, so it was hard concentrating on
the
driving. But I
managed through the
beautiful terrain.
Soon
another friend from our parapsychology circle joined us, Michael
Goodspeed, a
guy around my age who had followed a similar path in life. Like me, he
too had
been ostracized all his life from his peers as a misunderstood misfit,
but he was
not as crazy about girls, dating and sex as I was. We had an immediate
kindred
spirit and understanding between us, so he soon became my best friend
and
closest confidante.
I
also started doing some acting for a
The
girls in
My
luck would not change until the Fall, when I met an older but very
attractive
brunette at a Wiccan gathering named Danielle.
She was tall, attractive, and looked like a rich guy's
girl. I couldn't
believe that she was infatuated
and enamored with me. While
in
disbelief, I was elated at the same time, and on cloud 9. We had a steamy 5 week
relationship. Each
time we parted, I couldn't wait to see
her again. She also made love in a way that I had never experienced
before. She
was so skilled, honed, tender, and knew just what to do at the right
time. She
also knew how to set the music and candles just right too. Obviously, she was very
experienced and had a
lot of lovers before (not a very good sign obviously). Every time we
made love,
I was left mesmerized. I had never been touched like that before (and
have not
since either).
When
she came to see my play one weekend, all the cast were envious at how
attractive of a girlfriend I had.
After
a stunning performance with a standing ovation from the crowd, we all
had a big
dinner celebration. There,
I had
Danielle, my parents (who had come down to visit me), my best friends
Michael
Goodspeed and John Benneth and a warm crowd and cast I had gotten to
know. It was a
But
alas, as you might have heard, such "high points" in life usually
precede coming tragedies where it all falls apart.
And such was the case here as well.
One
Sunday morning, after a steamy weekend together where she finally
uttered the
big three words (I love you) for the first time, a snow storm hit.
Eager to get
back home while the roads were still drivable, we set out after
breakfast to
drive her back home. Outside while was cleaning my windshield, her
house keys
fell from her purse side pocket into the snow.
But we didn't find out about it until we reached her house. By then, the road back up
to
When
her roommate finally returned late that night, we drove her back and
though she
offered to let me stay there til the roads became drivable again, I
declined
and wanted to go back to my apartment, since I had tasks planned that
afternoon
and as a perfectionist, I didn't want to leave things unfinished or be
behind.
It was a difficult slippery drive back up the hills in the snow and I
barely
made it, having to go out and push my car out of the snow when I
reached my
place.
The
next day, my fears were confirmed.
When
I called Danielle, she was cold and distant, and sounded argumentive as
though
looking for a reason to start a fight.
The more I tried to calm her down and fix things to put
the incident
behind us, the worst it got though.
It
seemed that she was using everything I said against me, even when I was
trying
to be helpful and nice. As
you know,
that's a very bad sign and indicator that someone is basically "through
with you". She then
told me not to
call her for a week.
The
next time I called her, the same thing happened.
Everything I said was used against me and she
was very argumentive again. She
had
flipped, gone psycho, so to speak, and was not the same anymore. She blamed it all on me
using twisted logic,
and hallucinated false facts to justify her position, as American women
often
do. But everytime I corrected her with the truth and the facts, she
would just
use that further against me. It
was a no
win situation. (which I am no stranger to) We were done for and she was
not
returning back to normal.
In
addition, she also added insult to injury by mocking me with parting
shots
about how my car was not nice, how I wasn't rich and that I had
"nothing", etc. How
immature
for a supposedly "spiritual Wiccan woman"!
To
say that I was in disbelief would be an understatement.
How could this be? It
was so unreal. Here
I find the perfect girlfriend, one that
was actually very attractive by conventional standards, after years and
years
of searching, and I lose her at the drop of a hat just like that, just
cause
she loses her car keys in the snow, which wasn't even my fault?! That makes no sense at all! Gee, I must have the worst
luck in the
world! Something up
there was definitely
against me, always making everything go wrong!
For
the next few weeks, I was in deep withdrawal pain again. In some ways it was a good
thing because
being in pain over Danielle kind of sealed and completed the recovery
from the
nightmarish deep pain I had over Robin, by diverting my pain and
healing
energies onto a different persona.
Thousands of times, I kept replaying the events of the
Sunday before we
broke up, wishing that I had put her keys that afternoon in the center
area of
her purse protected by the zipper, instead of handing them to her to
let her
stupidly put in the side pocket to fall out later while she was wiping
snow off
my windshield. I
kept thinking over and
over again, if only I had done that, our relationship might be fine and
still
going by now. After
all, how can a steamy
relationship that was going so well change so quickly over one little
accident
like that?! It
didn't add up in my head
and I kept obsessing over it to the point of madness.
Now
I was really disillusioned with American women.
Not only do they truly only care for themselves when the
chips are down,
as Robin demonstrated, but they were also so mentally unstable and
psycho that
they would change at the drop of a hat too?!
How can you ever trust them then or invest your life in
them?! I realized
that continuing to seek a quality
loving stable relationship with an attractive American woman that will
last,
was pretty much a futile endeavor, no matter how hard and long you try.
By
now, there was also a strange recession going on in
So,
things were in a slump again. My
best
friend Michael Goodspeed had returned to Portland, and John Benneth had
become
involved with a new girlfriend that he was spending most of his time
with now,
so I didn't get to see him that much anymore either.
Everything just went south so suddenly, after
only 7 months in
Not
wanting to be alone during the Christmas season, I flew back to
I
was sad though, because I liked
Amazingly,
my heavily packed car made it all the way to
Part
3: Discovering the world abroad, the journey that
changed my life and made my dreams and fantasies come true 2002 - Present
Reminiscing over my life so far, it
was clear that all the
evidence, events and bad luck in my life had pointed to me being a
NATURAL BORN
LOSER. There was no doubt about it. The evidence
was
overwhelming. But I was also a FIGHTER and SURVIVOR with a
relentless
IRON WILL, like Rocky Balboa. So I would not quit pursuing
what I wanted
and would not give up, no matter how many hundreds of times I failed.
The whole dating scene was so futile
and unwinnable for me,
that even when I met women I had a lot in common with, they blew me off
or made
excuses not to spend time with me, not even as friends. And
even sluts
turned me down or flaked out on me.
Back in
However, I enjoyed the pay
there. I was saving up money
fast, since I was living with my parents too, a fact I kept secret from
them.
But unfortunately, as I feared, I had
no social life at
all. The environment was completely anti-social to the nth
degree. My
coworkers were my only social interaction. After work, I had
nothing to
do but go online and try to find ms. right in vain. And of
course, I had
nothing to do on weekends except stay home and spend time with my
parents and
use the internet as an escape.
The thing is, I was hired as an
"intermittent", so
I was like in a transit position to be used on an as needed
basis. It
could go permanent, or I could be laid off. But it didn't
matter to me,
since I didn't want to be there or in WA forever with no social life,
dates or
fun at all.
Wondering what to do next after WA, I
looked at my
options. I had always wanted to go to