20 years of loneliness and datelessness in
(1982 - 2002)
By Winston Wu ([email protected])
"I love rebels and
free spirits, I really do. And that's why I like Wu so much. There are so many people
who turn into depressed potatoes in the
“Winston you are now an Asian American Moses, and you are leading your people out of the “captivity” of boredom, loneliness, lovelessness and datelessness to the various promised lands of milk and honey, many honeys that is and milk is to come later. Lol.”
Hello, I am Winston Wu. And this is my story.
It is a very sad story, but culminates in a happy solution at the end, albeit
an unconventional one. This is the sad tale of a constant loser in
If any of you ever considered yourselves a "loser" before, perhaps
after reading my story you won't feel so bad compared to what I went through.
For most of my life, I had been ostracized from having any sort of life in
That is, until I went abroad.
Here is how it all began.
had a happy childhood in
I even had my first crush when I was 6 or 7. She was a blonde named Angela. Something about her made me feel intoxicated, weak, vulnerable and in a daze. I had no idea what to do about it except tease her and pretend I hated her. From that point on, I feared women for how weak and vulnerable they could make me feel.
just before 3rd grade, when we moved from
It made no sense, and tarnished my view of the world and the fairness of life. As Job lamented in the Old Testament, why am I being made to suffer so much even though I've done nothing wrong? And since I was weak, shy, and timid, I couldn't do anything about it or stand up for myself. All this destroyed my self-esteem, and I lived each day in fear, waiting and hoping that this painful predicament would subside. But it didn't, so I was left to endure it in pain.
This period greatly retarded my mental, emotional, and psychological development, for sure. Instead of growing up with normal experiences, all I could do everyday was endure and wait for all the torture and pain of being ostracized and spat upon to subside.
This continued on throughout the rest of elementary school, junior high, and high school, in varying degrees. I never felt liked, accepted, or even respected, only made a scapegoat by all my peers to vent their hatred and aggression on. I hated it and resented it like hell, but I felt powerless to do anything about it, and had no self-confidence either. Plus at that age, I saw my duty as a child who goes to school. I could not see it any other way.
The only highlight of my day was during lunch, when I would eat a tasty meal that temporarily made me forget the social/psychological hell I was in. The ham and cheese sandwich, tator tots, and chocolate milk of the school meal was my only pleasure and escape of the day. Either that or my mom's tuna sandwich, cheese n crackers, milk, and apple in a lunch bag.
That, and after school when I would watch reruns of Star Trek or cartoons. I especially had an affinity toward Star Trek. Mr. Spock was so logical and everything he did made sense, which was a total contrast to my life which made no sense at all. That's why he was such a great escape for me. That, and I idolized Captain Kirk who had such a brave courageous personality, the kind I wished I had. Plus, shows like Star Trek and Star Wars stimulated my imagination and lust for fantasy, which I needed badly as an escape from my horrid predicament. I also liked many other sci fi shows at the time (Lost in Space, Buck Rogers, Battlestar Galactica, The Six Million Dollar Man). These shows made sense to me. They were simply about good guys vs bad guys and every character had understandable motivations, whereas my life, where I was tormented by a whole class for doing nothing wrong, made no sense at all.
summer vacations were boring as hell. The few friends I did have never
their promises to get together. And I had no fun or adventure like you
"supposed" to. Instead, with both my parents working and being
trapped in the suburbs, I had nowhere to go but stay home and watch
And my birthdays were so sad too. No one to invite or throw a party with. It was just me and my parents singing and eating cake. It was so sad that I often cried in futility. Deep down, I wanted and believed that I deserved a lot better.
One time, I even hurt my mom and made her cry, by telling her how much I hated her for bringing me into this world to suffer like this. I just hated myself so much, since everyone else did as well, and had no one to blame but her. In effect, I transferred the hatred from my peers to her, passing on the pain, hatred and blame. That's how desperate and end of the rope I was. So horrible and sad.
And I'll never understand why the school staff allows all these horrible things to happen at their school. It seems so cruel and senseless. Aren't the teachers reasonably intelligent adults? Why don't they do anything about it?
When 6th grade began, followed by junior high at Hopkins, my peers were starting to "date" or "go with" as they put it, I felt totally unworthy to even enter the dating scene that it was out of the question, and I was too scared to talk to girls anyway, as I didn't know what to say to them, and I hated how they made me feel weak and strange all over. Girls picked up on this, and some took advantage and chased me for fun. Some of the girls were cute, but them chasing me as a group was frightening to me at the time.
In 7th grade, I had a crush for a whole year on this blonde girl named Emily. I dreamed about her 24/7 that year, always feeling weak and possessed by the thought of her. It was like an illness I thought I'd never recover from. In spite of this though, I didn't have the guts to even say hi to her. Every time she walked by, I would become paralyzed with fear, as well as intoxicated, and hate myself for that afterward. A friend of mine heard through the grapevine that she thought I was cute too. But I never had the guts nor self-worth to follow up on it. Two years later though, in 9th grade, when I found her next to me in a class, I finally did utter a few words to her, which shocked her. She seemed pleasantly surprised and perhaps was receptive to me and still liked me, but my crush on her had already worn out, so I didn't really care. I'll always wonder though, what would have happened if I had asked her to "go with" me.
(Her name was Emily Steinkamp by the way, and if any of you reading this knows her or knows how to find her, please try to get her in touch with me)
When high school began in Mission San Jose in 1987, as well as 9th grade, I had a new crush, a cute brunette named Richelle Faria, who lived only a few blocks down the street from me. The interesting thing is, my best friend at the time, a Filipino-Chinese guy named James Hernandez, also had a crush on her. I never told him that I did though, so we had this three way drama for a year.
when I visited
In high school, strong cliques had formed, and biases and opinions were as strong as ever, as students had begun puberty and were struggling to form an identity. The new problem for me was that I didn't fit into any of the cliques, not even with the nerds who made geeky jokes that I didn't find funny, nor did I ever see myself as a "nerd" anyway. But alas, you had to join a clique in high school to have any friends or have any social life or go to any parties or be anything. But the whole clique and social scene in high school made me feel very uncomfortable. It all seemed so fake, unnatural and immature. And the way kids acted in high school in general made me very uncomfortable. I could not be like them, nor did I want to be. They seemed so barbaric. I didn't feel like I belonged or fit in anywhere. My peers picked up on this, and so they teased me and spat on me even more.
Not only was I clueless about how to join a clique, but deep down, I didn't even really want to try to join one. It didn't feel natural to even try. Plus, I still had no confidence or self-esteem either. So, again I was ostracized from all social life and dating among my peers. I had no dates, not even female friends, never went out, never went to school dances or proms, and never went to any parties. I envied those who did, but I could just never be one of them.
It's not that I wasn't attracted to girls. Far from it. I was horny as hell everyday, especially in the afternoon when I was bored and restless in my desk, my hormones would be raging like a storm as I fantasized and lusted after all the girls around me shorts and tank tops. I had crushes and sexual desires for many girls, and I jacked off a lot while thinking about them when I got home (and in fact, I started jacking off when I was 8 years old, but I didn't know what it was called at the time). It's just that I and my peers saw myself as a total loser not worthy to even try to be interested in girls. When everyone is against you, it's hard to go against them.
Even the few friends or acquaintances I found to hang out with during lunch, looked reluctant and ashamed at my presence, as though I was damaging their image by being around them. I constantly felt unwanted, unloved, and worse of all, I had no identity. I was merely a misfit who was different and didn't fit in anywhere and was unwanted anywhere too.
I often wondered if the rest of my life was going to be like this, and if the world after high school would be the same. If it was, my life could only end in suicide, I thought. (Fortunately, it wasn't)
If you want to imagine what it was like, picture the situation in the movie "Karate Kid" where Ralph Macchio kept getting beaten up and bullied by that group of karate bullies. But instead of just one small group of guys, imagine an entire school of them. That was my situation. But I had it far worse than "The Karate Kid" in fact, because he at least had a girlfriend he went out with and kissed, whereas I didn't even have that. I was ostracized and asexual in the school social scene.
To try to find meaning and consolation in all this, I turned to Evangelical Christianity. Its Gospel message gave me solace and made sense out of my unjust persecution. And its absolutist doctrines and precepts gave my chaotic life some kind of structure and order. The belief that upon accepting Christ, I was one of the special chosen one, and that the rest of the world which was persecuting me was evil, fallen, and under the influence of Satan, gave my predicament enough meaning to help me get through the day. At least it did so for two years. Afterward, I would have an on and off relationship with it until I left high school, where I would start leaning toward New Age beliefs.
When my junior year of high school came (the year which many claim is the most fun and memorable), the classes and homework became much harder. That created another problem for me. You see, I didn't like to study (in spite of what everyone thought), and sitting and taking notes to memorize them did not come naturally to me. Studying and taking tests felt like a prison. My mind was a wanderer who preferred to indulge in imagination. I was a thinker and adventurer. It was not in my nature to sit, take notes, and memorize a ton of stuff I'd never even use in life.
Since I was somewhat smart and clever though, I usually got by in the past with little studying and still scored passing grades. But not junior year. The school work became overbearing, and I started getting C's and D's, which are a complete no-no in an Asian family.
Thus, I didn't fit in high school socially nor academically, neither among my peers nor the administration and their whole "system".
I'll never understand why God, mother nature, or destiny puts people
like me in
places and situations they don't fit into at all. It makes no sense. In
all my life circumstances have placed me in lose-lose situations, and I
understood why. Perhaps I am so independent-minded that I am unable to
"conform" to anything, at least in the
In short, I had nothing going for me - I didn't get good grades, wasn't good at sports, had no real friends, no social life, no fun, not even any self-worth. It was the lowest point one could go. In addition, I had no siblings to come home to console me, since I was an only child. I was the ultimate loser from every angle. But I was a loser with an iron will, strong desires, and an imagination to live for.
Unable to cope, I somehow developed these strange OCD symptoms which caused me to retreat for hours each day and night into bizarre rituals that made no sense, but which I felt I had to do to quell anxiety, fear and negativity in my mind. I guess it was the only thing I had control over, since I couldn't deal with my external circumstances. My own mind became a prison for me. This made it virtually impossible now to get any homework or studying done. And my grades plummeted sharply.
Eventually, things got so bad and I became so depressed and dysfunctional that I could no longer function in the rigid schedule of school and its pressures, where I was not even happy. So I had to pull out of school and go on home schooling. My self-esteem had now gone down into the negative values range, and that put me in such great pain that I wanted to commit suicide to be free of such torment, though I didn't have the guts to do so. All day and night I was gripped in fear and a sense of doom, dread and hopelessness. I even woke up in extreme terror. It was awful. I could barely even keep up with the home schooling even though it was easier, I was just too depressed to study.
No one could understand me. My own home felt like an insane asylum, even though it was a very nice home. Even the few friends that I had abandoned me, including Wesley Chang, my long-time best friend of 8 years, who had become a totally different and worse person, and James Hernandez, my closest confidante.
the famous 1989
Not knowing what to do, my parents, at the advice of an unsympathetic psychiatrist, put me in a mental rehab center for a month. It actually turned out to be a nice place, with a swimming pool, entertainment lounge, good food, fun counselors, and various health and arts and crafts activities. It was like a resort almost. Though I don't think I had a real mental illness that needed to be treated, the time there was a big stress reliever that did end up making me feel a lot better afterward. At least I regained the ability to enjoy things again afterward.
summer, after the year was over, we decided that I needed a great
rejuvenation and change of environment.
So I went to
After a year there, I had a new sense of self-worth and confidence. I felt rejuvenated and ready to take on life again. I dreaded going back to the states, but part of me missed home and all its treasures (such as UNO's pizzeria). My only consolation was that my peers at Mission San Jose high school that had spat upon me daily before had already graduated by then, so I wouldn't have to deal with those specific people again. Plus I was going to a new high school anyway, so I could begin anew. But I only needed to finish one more year of high school, then I'd be free of that hellish prison.
I finished my senior year at
To avoid looking like a loner or loser during lunch, I would go off campus and hang out somewhere during that hour, or join some club meeting and pretend to be interested in the activities there. It didn't really matter that much though, because at least I was not hated, spat upon, or "picked on" for having no clique or being different. Most of my peers respected me for being smart and knowledgeable, getting good grades, and acting confident and well poised. So they let me be at least. And that was important cause peace of mind was what I needed most at the time, even without a social life.
With peace of mind and my self-esteem rejuvenated, my mental and emotional development was allowed to resume its course. Amazingly, I soon discovered that my communication skills had shot up from zero to good. I was now able to articulate and express myself assertively and confidently, unlike before. Plus I felt more intelligent, knowledgeable and empowered, like it just emerged out from my deep recesses. I suddenly had the ability to write well too, with solid grammar and coherent ideas. I seem to have been reborn with new abilities and desires.
However, loneliness began to take a toll on me.
My only companion was this cute Cantonese girl in 6th period (Computer class) named Anita Au. So even though I was lonely with no social life at all, I at least had a girl to chat with in my last class at the end of the day. It was the closest thing I had to any form of companionship, even though it was just casual chit chat about the school work.
But after the first semester was over, our teacher suddenly decided to change the seating roster. She said that having to work with new people would help teach us "people skills" blah blah blah.
When the new seats were announced, much to my dismay, me and Anita's were separated. Anita even frowned at this. But she never saw how deeply my heart sank.
So bad luck struck my life yet again. The only companionship I had in my school life was taken away from me - like a beggar stripped of his only comfort.
How could God be so cruel, I wondered? I was a passionate fanatical Christian at the time, and believed that God was taking care of me. I was shocked he would allow this to happen.
For the rest of the second semester, I only exchanged passing smiles and waves with Anita. We were never able to chat much again. The resentment in me slowly built up. And my longing and crush for Anita gradually began to surface until I felt pain.
During lunch, I had no one to hang out with except for this Christian youth group that would meet for fellowship once a week. During one meeting, when the Pastor asked each of us what troubled us, I could not bring myself to say that I had no friends or social life at this school, so I merely said that my pain was being constantly bored and lonely. In response, the Pastor said that boredom is something we create, to which I took offense to. He had no idea what I was going through and I was too ashamed to say any more.
At the end of the year, during final exams week, I finally decided to go up to Anita and tell her how much I missed her and cared about her. When I did, she blew me off and began avoiding me. In my year book she wrote that she hoped I would find someone else.
When I got home, out of desperation, I found her phone number in the White Pages and then called her, to see if I could salvage anything. Though mentally I knew it was hopeless, there were months of pent up emotion in me toward that I had to release and face, at least for closure. So even though I knew she wasn't interested in me, I basically called her cause I needed the closure.
On the phone, she kept blowing me off and telling me firmly, "Winston, NEVER call me again ok?"
After we hung up, I had my closure, but an extreme anger and resentment began building up inside of me, more than I ever felt before. I let it too, for the extreme emotion made me feel alive after a whole year of lifeless existence.
My eyes became bloodshot and my face became animalistic, as though primitive urges had taken over. Adrenaline was surging through me in a way it never had. I felt like I had become The Incredible Hulk.
The next day, the students who were accustomed to seeing me as calm and mellow were surprised that I looked so different even.
You see, I had never had a girlfriend before. Love and companionship were always denied to me, like a jinx. I would always lose every time. It was never meant to be. Here I was finishing high school and I didn't even have my first real date yet, the kind you see in the movies.
The whole year I had been a good Christian, read the Bible, went to Church, prayed, and witnessed for Christ to others. Yet for all that, I ended up with rejection and hurt, my only companionship stripped from me.
So my resentment began to be directed toward God. I angrily told him:
"What the hell? I was a good Christian for a whole year. I read the Bible, prayed, learned your teachings, and witnessed to other students, and almost got beaten up for doing so by Muslim students! I really stuck my neck out there for you! And what do I get for that? Hurt and rejection yet again? Why can't I win for just ONCE in my life? JUST ONCE?! It's like you ALWAYS jinx me with bad luck and loneliness. ALWAYS! If you're so all powerful, why can't you change that? WHY?!
Alright, that's it. I'm pissed. More than you know! I'm going to show you how pissed I am by not talking to you or reading my Bible for several months. I'm going to STOP being a Christian for several months to show you how hurt and resentful I really am!
I don't deserve this perpetual life of loneliness that you've given me and rewarded me with! So it'll be MY way of punishing you!"
After that, I never really regained my interest or passion in the Christian faith again. Perhaps without the unnatural pressures of high school, I no longer needed it as a crutch. Perhaps that's what it really was to me - a crutch, something to believe in, which I needed in my meaningless existence of loneliness and boredom.
Instead, I began to gravitate toward New Age beliefs. They were far more intellectually stimulating with no strict rules, boundaries and fear mongering dogmas that barred me from other forms of knowledge or mysticism. New Age allowed complete freedom of exploration and study in all metaphysical, mystical and paranormal subject areas.
This freedom and stimulation allowed me to grow intellectually and spiritually. And I liked it so much that I never wanted to go back to the strict black and white thinking of being a Christian fundamentalist anymore.
It brought new life to my lonely world. And that's why I stayed on this path. With it, doors opened in my spiritual and intellectual understanding that I never thought possible.
The lonely months continued until I had my first girlfriend the next year. But these New Age interests of mine kept my imagination and curiosity for esoteric truth alive at least.
So that's the story of how my religious/spiritual path changed back in 1992.
I know a lot of Christian believers out there will chide me for abandoning their faith over being rejected by a girl. But who's to say that she wasn't just a catalyst for a spiritual change of path that I was already headed toward?
It's hard for me to say whether or not if it wasn't for her, I would have remained on the Christian fundamentalist path. I would say that it's doubtful though.
But it does seem that pushing the Christian fanaticism out of me for a while, allowed new eyes to open in me, to the point that I didn't want to go back to being "blind" and narrow again.
To read a more detailed story of my childhood that covers
the same period above, click here.
Note: To read a more detailed story of my childhood that covers the same period above, click here.
After high school, I had a profoundly rich sense of freedom, one that was beyond words and perhaps could never be matched again. I felt like someone finally freed from years of prison. That nightmare called "public school" that I was forced to endure for years was finally over. Now I could do whatever I wanted. I was a new creature who was born again, and life was back in my hands. I'll never forget this incredible feeling, and nothing I've ever experienced since then has ever compared to it.
started junior college at
It was a new beginning in my life, in so many ways. Plus, with Bill Clinton now elected President after the much hated George Bush left, the nation felt the wave of a fresh new beginning as well.
However, with zero girlfriends and no dates throughout high school, I longed to taste my first experience of the opposite sex. And I badly wanted to make up for having no dates or female action in high school. So I began talking to a lot of girls, hoping that something would happen. I was very confident, talkative and social, so I thought it was only a matter of time before I would start getting dates. After all, it looked so easy in movies portraying college life. But alas, there seemed to be a barrier. The girls would talk to you about school stuff and were really polite, but asking them out felt like violating some kind of unspoken rule.
There were these two attractive girls I liked that I talked to regularly, Kelly (blonde) and Sarah (Korean). I kept imagining that they liked me, but I was deluding myself. Every week, with nothing to do on weekends, I would call them up and see if they would do something with me, but they kept making excuses. This went on for months. But I couldn't accept that I was unable to get any dates, so I persisted.
The following year, I finally had my first girlfriend, but not without struggle. She was a short but cute Vietnamese girl. She had a boyfriend at the time, but their relationship was on the rocks, and she eventually chose me over him. With her, I had my first kiss and lost my virginity soon afterward. I went out a lot with her and her large network of Vietnamese friends and family. But she had a nasty temper and was very small minded, so we had a lot of fights and arguments. After two years, we finally let go of each other, but remained friends.
that relationship, I began seeking girls again.
This time, I was set on finding a Caucasian girl, my
fantasy. After all,
I thought, to be in
I longed for hot action, hot romance, and the pleasure of beautiful white women. But alas, I was now at a big university, Cal State Hayward, where socializing was even more difficult and uncommon than the community college I went to before, which I now missed. Though there were many more girls at that university, generally they did not want to talk to you unless it was school or class related. Also, it was known as a commuter school, where people came and went back to their off-campus life at their convenience.
Plus, it was the mid-90's, and a new wave of man-hating feminism had began in this country, taking hold especially on the West Coast. Women now had the mentality that men were creeps by nature, and to be blamed for all their problems. This was reflected in the media and on day time talk shows as well. Suddenly, the women became more defensive and non-open to meeting men more than ever.
You see, back in the 80's and prior, American women were still relatively friendly and normal. But I was too young, shy and insecure to date them back then. Now that it was the 90's and I was willing and ready though, it was too late. The man-hating phase had begun. Women were now defensive, paranoid, and anti-social, often preferring to be alone or with pets than with men. It no longer mattered that I was no longer shy or that I could initiate conversation with them boldly.
Thus, it was a case of bad timing - I was ready to date at a time when the market had turned heavily against me. Also, another case of wrong timing is that back in high school, when people bonded in cliques of everyday friends, they were open and willing to make friends at that time. But in post-college and adult life, people were more isolationist, preferred to keep to themselves, do their own thing, and only meet for convenience. Back in high school I was too shy with no social skills and no confidence, so I lacked the power and energy to bond and make friends with others. But now in college, where I had social skills, confidence, great communication skills, and was finally ready to bond with others, people had become anti-social. They seem to have passed that stage and were no longer interested in meeting people. They either no longer needed it or had their own family and clique and did not need any new stimulation in their lives. Thus, another case of bad/wrong timing.
But nevertheless, I didn't give up. Everyday I tried meeting girls, both on campus and off campus, thinking that by doing that I would be statistically guaranteed "some" dates at least. Time and time again I was proven wrong. But with my intense unswerving will power, I would not give up.
This went on for the next two years!
My weekends became boring again, like they were before my first girlfriend. I had nothing to do except stay home and read, talk to my parents, or do homework (which I hated). I had no parties to go to, few friends to hang out with, and no dates of course. Again I was totally ostracized against my will. Sometimes my folks took me out to eat, shop, go to the park, or to visit their prudish and square family friends. It was soooooo sooooo sad. But what could I do? Sociality seemed totally against the flow.
Summers were also boring as well. I couldn't find anything to do, never got invited anywhere, never had any fun times or wild times or hot girls, etc. It was miserable and I felt so futile since I couldn't do anything about it, and if I tried, it felt like I was going against the flow. So dismal. I never got invited to any New Year's parties either. It was just countless disappointment against my will, one after another, endlessly.
Worst of all, when I was out at night and saw couples happily making out in the car or somewhere, I'd burn with envy and anger that I was not getting any. And when I saw happy couples walking about in the day I also was green with envy, longing for a nice girl by my side like that. This happened literally thousands of times! Or I would see hot girls everywhere and feel helpless to do anything about it. I couldn't get them. All I could do was go home and masturbate while I fantasized about them later. This happened everyday.
I tried everything, joining clubs, fraternities, church groups, dance classes, chatting up girls in public, etc. but nothing came of it. Even trying to get dates felt completely against the flow. It seemed I was meant to be a dateless loser unable to live any of my desires or fantasies, and there was nothing I could do about it.
Some gave me the clicheish advice that I was trying too hard and that I should just relax and let things happen naturally. "You'll meet the right person someday" was the overused cliche we've all heard before. But the thing is, even if I followed that advice and stop "trying so hard" the result would be the same - ZERO decent dates and no game. So what was the point? Either way, it was a LOSE-LOSE situation, like most of my life had been. Besides, I wasn't necessarily looking for "the right person". I just wanted some cool fun girls to hang out with. Why is that so God damn impossible?!
my dateless years, I kept wondering endlessly, "What's wrong with me? Why am I
not DATING MATERIAL? What am I missing? What do I need to do
to become dating material?"
I kept drilling these questions to the few friends and acquaintances
that I had. But they couldn't give me any logical answer
worry. Someday you'll find the right person. It
takes time." Excuse
me, but hello! I don't need to find ms. right or "the one"
now. All I want are some decent girls to HANG OUT with, or go
with! Is that so much to ask for? Sheesh!
think so. But it seems to be so God damn impossible for some
reason! It should NOT be this way! Why?! Why?!
Why?! I kept
obsessing over it and beating my head over this over and over again,
but could get no clear answers as to what I had to do to become "dating
material" to women.
Throughout my dateless years, I kept wondering endlessly, "What's wrong with me? Why am I not DATING MATERIAL? What am I missing? What do I need to do to become dating material?" I kept drilling these questions to the few friends and acquaintances that I had. But they couldn't give me any logical answer other than "Don't worry. Someday you'll find the right person. It takes time." Excuse me, but hello! I don't need to find ms. right or "the one" right now. All I want are some decent girls to HANG OUT with, or go out with! Is that so much to ask for? Sheesh! I don't think so. But it seems to be so God damn impossible for some reason! It should NOT be this way! Why?! Why?! Why?! I kept obsessing over it and beating my head over this over and over again, but could get no clear answers as to what I had to do to become "dating material" to women.
Though I was in denial about it at the time, another factor going against me was that white females simply found Asian males the least attractive, especially Oriental looking males. They wouldn't admit it to you of course in this politically correct culture, but it was apparent and admitted through the grapevine. And it was obvious from looking at online personal ads as well, where almost all the white American females said they only wanted white males. A few liked Black and Hispanic men, but it was very rare to find one that liked Asian men. So, the race factor was also working heavily against me as well.
one point, desperate for "white female touch" and needing it badly,
during a family vacation in
was another time when I got a hooker from the internet. She came over
and turned out to be a tall Italian beauty.
I was mesmerized by her.
was expensive, $200 an hour, the standard price in the
Back in college, my classes in business administration were not exciting either. They became harder and more boring, with economics and calculus being required. My grades started to drop, as I realized that I had no interest or enthusiasm in business studies, which I had chosen out of safety due to their practical broadness. My real passion was in English, History, or Philosophy, but I thought a degree in those was useless. But in any case, I couldn't concentrate or focus on preparing for any future career anyway, since I was plagued with chronic loneliness, datelessness, sexlessness, and obsessed with trying to change that, always fighting a losing battle but never giving up either. Thus, careers and jobs were the furthest thing from my mind.
Looking for something that would interest me, I began pursuing acting, my life long dream during childhood which I never had the confidence or self-esteem to pursue before. It was the perfect field for me, cause I loved attention and loved to express myself, and it allowed me to play fantasy make believe, a world which I was already in anyway. I was also hoping that such a medium would also allow me to meet like-minded girls and be popular with them. So I got involved in drama classes, school plays and films.
I had lot of fun in acting and was exciting by the whole thing. I found that I was good at
it too, I required
very little rehearsal to get my part right. I got small roles here and
and eventually started doing extra work in movies shot in
But again, the girls only interacted with me regarding class related issues, nothing outside of that. Again I wondered why it looked so easy in the movies, but in real life it was awkward and unnatural, at least for me. So yet again, I was left with the torture of seeing so many girls all around me but unable to get any dates or action.
At that time, in 1996, the internet had taken root in our society as a whole new medium. Knowing that I would probably become addicted to it, I went ahead and signed up for my first AOL account anyway. With nowhere else to turn, at least I had a new medium to turn to now that could open up a whole new world, making me a computer nerd for life. Oh well.
I began chatting online. It
being able to flirt with girls online and say things to them that you
otherwise never say in person. But
whenever I would meet the girls offline, they either turned out to be
ugly, or skinny and normal looking but not interested in me. Even when I met girls I
had a lot in common
with, they'd still blow me off. Finally,
one day I met a girl who was serious about me and very consistent in
affection and interest in me. Her
was Robin, and we chatted every day, becoming closer and closer each
day. But she lived
After graduating from college with a business degree and minor in marketing, I had no idea what to do next. I was scorned, bitter and angry that my last two years of college were such a disappointment in social and dating life. Even though I tried EVERYDAY for two years to meet women and get dates in college and out in public, I ended up with ZERO decent dates that went well! None of my fantasies with white girls were lived, in spite of all the enormous effort and time that I put into attaining it. I could not accept this at all. It was completely abhorrent, a total disgrace, and I was even ashamed to think about it.
I was already 25, and yet I didn't even have the dating experiences with good looking girls that typical 16 year olds have already had! Horrid! To think that I wasted two years of my life in futility, and worst of all, I could never get those years back! All I could do was be in denial about it.
with nowhere to turn, and no other goals, I flew to
spending the summer together, I flew back to
We lived a comfortable peaceful life together. But I soon became bored. First off, she was not an exciting person. She had no intellectual life, no sense of adventure, but instead thrived on routine and predictability. I received little stimulation from her, except her comforting touch and companionship at night. Eventually the sex became stale too, so that I constantly checked out every attractive female around me.
the job market sucked in that college town.
There were only dead end and crappy jobs, nothing in the
fields that I
wanted, such as marketing and advertising.
So my life quickly became a rut.
I had nowhere to grow into.
people there were even more reserved and kept to themselves than they
did some promotion gigs in
I became restless and unhappy, but I didn't want to leave and
relationship with Robin, which I had spent two years searching for.
the problem in
realized that although
a year of this, I kept dreaming of my days back in sunny
was it. With that,
I had no place to
move back to in
My parents bought a very nice four story house with a waterfront view, trees and wild deer around. It was perfect. Since I was a job hopper there without a steady good income, and didn't want to sign another yearly lease on my apartment, me and Robin moved into my parent's new mansion to ease ourselves of the burden of paying rent, and hopefully to save up money for our future together.
I was in a nice home with naturesque surroundings, but I still had no interesting life, only a dull but comfortable one to wake up to. Frustrated and not knowing what to do, I suffered in "quiet desperation". Eventually Robin started looking down on me. She was highly career oriented with rigid set goals and no imagination. So she could not really relate to my situation. I wasn't like her, so she began losing respect for me and my ability to function in life and be an equal contributing partner to her.
For the next year, I tried to be productive by taking crappy jobs that I didn't like and wasn't cut out for, just to have a job at least and appear to be a working citizen to Robin. They included low paying retail jobs and monotonous mind numbing data entry jobs, a total mismatch and waste of my skills and talent.
These jobs ended up with either me being laid off for not fitting in, or me feeling suffocated so much that I had to quit. I did find some promising good paying positions in fields that I wanted which had potential, such as marketing assistant, photographer, etc. and I was very close to securing them, but they kept going to other people, or the company had a hiring freeze. I kept missing by a little.
To fill my spare time, I would read up on the paranormal and metaphysics, and write to express myself about topics I had strong opinions about. After all, Robin was giving me no intellectual stimulation, and my brain needed "exercise", so I had to get those things another way.
Robin and I grew apart. We
longer in love and I felt no attraction for her anymore. The sex was
completely stale. I merely kept her around so that I wouldn't have to
desperation and datelessness again as I had been before I met her. I didn't want to go back
to being alone
everyday trying pathetically to start up conversations with women who
want to meet me, as I was before I left
The straw that broke the camel's back came one day, when she saw me flirting with other girls online. The next day, after losing my job at a shitty car rental agency due to bad chemistry with my manager, Robin announced when I came home that she wanted to break up for good, and that her decision was final. So, I lost a job and girlfriend on the same day, a double whammy. People that have experienced that say that it's a sign that your life needs a whole new direction.
I was in denial at first, since I always believed that if we had problems, we would at least talk things out first. But she was firm about it. A few days later, when she moved out to stay with one of our friends, I pleaded with her, begging and crying. I felt like one of my body limbs was about to be torn off. But she ignored me and wouldn't budge. When she left, I was horrified and filled with an impending sense of doom and dread.
For the next few months, I was in so much pain that I sometimes could not even move from bed. And I often woke up with a sense of terror inside, unable to face my reality of being alone again. It was similar to that period back in 1989 when I dropped out of high school. I was in so much pain constantly, that I didn't think I could survive.
And to think that during our relationship, I was there for her when she cried when her dog died, and also when she cried when her grandmother passed away, yet when I cried after she left, all she would say was that it was my problem and that I would have to deal with it. So much for tenderness and caring warmth. These American women truly had no heart deep inside, not the kind that we do. Thus, I became disillusioned and jaded with them, and rightfully so. It was obvious that deep down, American women only cared about themselves, and were only out to fend for themselves in the end. And this was the case even with the nicest of them, such as Robin. Thus, I could no longer trust them or give them my heart.
my network of parapsychology circles I knew from my paranormal writing,
I met a
guy named John Benneth, one of the enemies of paranormal debunker James
and his million dollar psychic challenge.
Benneth offered me some acting work in his theater down in
So, when most my strength regained, I prepared for the trip down south that summer of 2001. During the long drive down, I felt many bouts of sadness and pain, so it was hard concentrating on the driving. But I managed through the beautiful terrain.
Soon another friend from our parapsychology circle joined us, Michael Goodspeed, a guy around my age who had followed a similar path in life. Like me, he too had been ostracized all his life from his peers as a misunderstood misfit, but he was not as crazy about girls, dating and sex as I was. We had an immediate kindred spirit and understanding between us, so he soon became my best friend and closest confidante.
also started doing some acting for a
My luck would not change until the Fall, when I met an older but very attractive brunette at a Wiccan gathering named Danielle. She was tall, attractive, and looked like a rich guy's girl. I couldn't believe that she was infatuated and enamored with me. While in disbelief, I was elated at the same time, and on cloud 9. We had a steamy 5 week relationship. Each time we parted, I couldn't wait to see her again. She also made love in a way that I had never experienced before. She was so skilled, honed, tender, and knew just what to do at the right time. She also knew how to set the music and candles just right too. Obviously, she was very experienced and had a lot of lovers before (not a very good sign obviously). Every time we made love, I was left mesmerized. I had never been touched like that before (and have not since either).
she came to see my play one weekend, all the cast were envious at how
attractive of a girlfriend I had.
a stunning performance with a standing ovation from the crowd, we all
had a big
dinner celebration. There,
Danielle, my parents (who had come down to visit me), my best friends
Goodspeed and John Benneth and a warm crowd and cast I had gotten to
know. It was a
But alas, as you might have heard, such "high points" in life usually precede coming tragedies where it all falls apart. And such was the case here as well.
Sunday morning, after a steamy weekend together where she finally
big three words (I love you) for the first time, a snow storm hit.
Eager to get
back home while the roads were still drivable, we set out after
drive her back home. Outside while was cleaning my windshield, her
fell from her purse side pocket into the snow.
But we didn't find out about it until we reached her house. By then, the road back up
When her roommate finally returned late that night, we drove her back and though she offered to let me stay there til the roads became drivable again, I declined and wanted to go back to my apartment, since I had tasks planned that afternoon and as a perfectionist, I didn't want to leave things unfinished or be behind. It was a difficult slippery drive back up the hills in the snow and I barely made it, having to go out and push my car out of the snow when I reached my place.
The next day, my fears were confirmed. When I called Danielle, she was cold and distant, and sounded argumentive as though looking for a reason to start a fight. The more I tried to calm her down and fix things to put the incident behind us, the worst it got though. It seemed that she was using everything I said against me, even when I was trying to be helpful and nice. As you know, that's a very bad sign and indicator that someone is basically "through with you". She then told me not to call her for a week.
The next time I called her, the same thing happened. Everything I said was used against me and she was very argumentive again. She had flipped, gone psycho, so to speak, and was not the same anymore. She blamed it all on me using twisted logic, and hallucinated false facts to justify her position, as American women often do. But everytime I corrected her with the truth and the facts, she would just use that further against me. It was a no win situation. (which I am no stranger to) We were done for and she was not returning back to normal.
In addition, she also added insult to injury by mocking me with parting shots about how my car was not nice, how I wasn't rich and that I had "nothing", etc. How immature for a supposedly "spiritual Wiccan woman"!
To say that I was in disbelief would be an understatement. How could this be? It was so unreal. Here I find the perfect girlfriend, one that was actually very attractive by conventional standards, after years and years of searching, and I lose her at the drop of a hat just like that, just cause she loses her car keys in the snow, which wasn't even my fault?! That makes no sense at all! Gee, I must have the worst luck in the world! Something up there was definitely against me, always making everything go wrong!
For the next few weeks, I was in deep withdrawal pain again. In some ways it was a good thing because being in pain over Danielle kind of sealed and completed the recovery from the nightmarish deep pain I had over Robin, by diverting my pain and healing energies onto a different persona. Thousands of times, I kept replaying the events of the Sunday before we broke up, wishing that I had put her keys that afternoon in the center area of her purse protected by the zipper, instead of handing them to her to let her stupidly put in the side pocket to fall out later while she was wiping snow off my windshield. I kept thinking over and over again, if only I had done that, our relationship might be fine and still going by now. After all, how can a steamy relationship that was going so well change so quickly over one little accident like that?! It didn't add up in my head and I kept obsessing over it to the point of madness.
Now I was really disillusioned with American women. Not only do they truly only care for themselves when the chips are down, as Robin demonstrated, but they were also so mentally unstable and psycho that they would change at the drop of a hat too?! How can you ever trust them then or invest your life in them?! I realized that continuing to seek a quality loving stable relationship with an attractive American woman that will last, was pretty much a futile endeavor, no matter how hard and long you try.
now, there was also a strange recession going on in
things were in a slump again. My
friend Michael Goodspeed had returned to Portland, and John Benneth had
involved with a new girlfriend that he was spending most of his time
so I didn't get to see him that much anymore either.
Everything just went south so suddenly, after
only 7 months in
wanting to be alone during the Christmas season, I flew back to
was sad though, because I liked
my heavily packed car made it all the way to
Reminiscing over my life so far, it was clear that all the evidence, events and bad luck in my life had pointed to me being a NATURAL BORN LOSER. There was no doubt about it. The evidence was overwhelming. But I was also a FIGHTER and SURVIVOR with a relentless IRON WILL, like Rocky Balboa. So I would not quit pursuing what I wanted and would not give up, no matter how many hundreds of times I failed.
The whole dating scene was so futile and unwinnable for me, that even when I met women I had a lot in common with, they blew me off or made excuses not to spend time with me, not even as friends. And even sluts turned me down or flaked out on me.
However, I enjoyed the pay there. I was saving up money fast, since I was living with my parents too, a fact I kept secret from them.
But unfortunately, as I feared, I had no social life at all. The environment was completely anti-social to the nth degree. My coworkers were my only social interaction. After work, I had nothing to do but go online and try to find ms. right in vain. And of course, I had nothing to do on weekends except stay home and spend time with my parents and use the internet as an escape.
The thing is, I was hired as an "intermittent", so I was like in a transit position to be used on an as needed basis. It could go permanent, or I could be laid off. But it didn't matter to me, since I didn't want to be there or in WA forever with no social life, dates or fun at all.
Wondering what to do next after WA, I
looked at my
options. I had always wanted to go to
So I started going back to checking out Russian brides again like I did before I met Robin. Looking at the website photos of Russian brides and the eye candy catalogues, I was enamored with them. I'd give anything to be able to get a young tall white hottie like that, I uttered as I saw each lady's photo that I fancied. So I started doing research and posting on Russian bride seeking yahoo groups, of which I eventually became infamous in.
Gradually I began mentally planning a
After a few months, I was laid off
from the employment
agency job. So I began preparing for the trip for
real. I couldn't
believe I was actually going to
On the day of my flight, I tried my best to not think about it so the nervousness didn't overwhelm me...
Upon my first arrival in
Best of all, in
To see exactly what I mean, see these slide shows, photo collages, videos and photojounals I put together with inspiring music, which show why I am "Happier Abroad".
As you can see from all that material, my dating life shot up from ZERO to INFINITY overseas! I finally felt VALIDATED, all of which brought out the best in me. My confidence and outgoing, happy-go-lucky personality was finally allowed to come out. I could be who I was, and go out and go for the women I wanted without guilt or fear. In fact, women found me manly and charming for daring to flirt with them or pursuing them. I thought women like this were only a fantasy in the movies. Yet here I was living it!
I had found my Holy Grail or Shangri
La at last. And ironically, it had been foreshadowed
back in 1990 by
my rejuvenation trip to
Thus began my new life abroad, where I was validated, rejuvenated, and born again at last, where I found social/dating/love paradise at last...
I asked, "Why didn't anyone tell me all this before?! I wish I could have found out sooner!"
I felt angry that all these years I had been given useless
cliched advice such as to blame myself, improve myself, or wait for
destiny, which led nowhere, for not even good advice can conquer the
humungus dysfunctional dating scene and social life of the US.
My anger over not being told sooner was the motivation that later led me to create this website, HappierAbroad.comto give
hope and answers to others in my shoes who never heard about the
alternatives outside the Matrix, or might have trouble believing in
them. It was my "Gospel" so to speak, which contained a real solution
that worked, but was out of the public domain due to its politically
But of course, every country and
culture in the world has
its ups and downs, annoyances and inconveniences, but social dating
never as cold, sterile and anti-social as it was in
Though I had many exciting
experiences as well as
disappointments, I never felt like I was "out of the game" like I was
My first trip to
After three trips to Russia from 2002
to 2005, I had grown
and matured a lot, dated hundreds of women, seen exotic cities and
Russia and Eastern Europe, and has many adventures and
Though I never found "the one" that lasted, I had a great variety of
dating experiences with many attractive girls, the kind I could never
a chance with in the
To summarize, here are the
primary differences I
discovered between dating/social life in the
So as you can see, it's a losing battle and sinking ship, as well as a waste of time and life.
But in most of the other 200 countries outside the
In most countries abroad:
All these things are a huge
refreshing difference, a world
of difference in fact. Though these differences are as glaringly
obvious as the
blue sky above, NONE of it receives ANY publicity in the
The following year, I decided it was
time for a
change. Inspired by the story of my Expat Advisor, which you
can read here,
I decided to try the exotic warm
This time, I knew I'd be overseas for
the long haul, so I
went on a Summer road trip first through the desert
In the Fall, after teaming up with an
online friend to fly
Wow, it exceeded my
expectations. The girls were
unbelievably open, comfortable, friendly and enthusiastic, and treated
better even than the girls in
So, I partied for a few months and had many attractive sexy girls of all colors, dark, light, olive complexion, short, tall, Spanish/Mexican looking, Oriental looking, etc. I couldn't believe the variety of types of girls there. I had more sex than I ever had in my life! I was even "sexed out" many times, believe it or not.
Best of all, when I flirted with girls I had a thing for, they would usually flirt back! And usually, my attraction for a woman was met with equal desire back! So at last, my attraction was reciprocated almost completely. I felt redeemed finally.
Even more than before, I felt really alive, a special and appreciated human being, who was wanted and desired by the same women that I desired. At last there was complete balance and harmony between what I want and what wants me. It was what I always wanted and dreamed of.
The only challenge now would be find a way to deal with all my baggage from the past, as well as find a way to make a living here.
To glimpse what I mean, see these
photo collages of
Filipinas that I put up after the Russia/Europe one. Again,
what a difference it is being overseas outside the
As you can see, my dating/love life
has shot up
from zero to infinity by simply going overseas beyond the US matrix.
To read another inspiring story from
One day, I met a young tall sexy gorgeous Filipina named Dianne. Something felt right about her, and we had instant chemistry, physically and emotionally. We became a long term couple who lived together. You can see our pics here: http://www.happierabroad.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=3342
After a few months, she became pregnant, and we named our baby "Angelo". Now I had the joy of being a father as well, to a cute baby that looked like I did back in 1973 when I was born. It was a chilling reminder of how innocent I was before the tormented lonely futile years in public school that arose after that. You can see his pictures and my baby photos side by side here: http://www.happierabroad.com/Angelo_Winston.htm
I was reborn. A new life had begun for me. What were years of loneliness, frustration, despair and futility turned out to have a grand purpose behind it. "Everything happens for a reason", as they say. The Lord, or "Universal Consciousness", works in mysterious ways after all.
Since then I have developed and expanded this Happier Abroad website and movement to help others, inspire them, give them hope, solutions, and a forum to network with others. It has drawn both admirers and critics, and wonderful comments such as in this collection of quotes: http://www.happierabroad.com/ebook/Quotes.htm
Thank you for reading my story. I hope it has inspired you in some way or given you hope, especially if you share the same predicament as me.
Feel free to browse the rest of my site and forum from the main page, if you haven't done so already, at http://www.happierabroad.com.
Thank you for you reading my story. May you take care and God bless.
Discuss this story in this forum thread: http://www.happierabroad.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=3990