              |
HAPPIER
ABROAD Why
You Can Have A Better Life and Love Beyond
Interconnectedness
vs. Separateness: Why Americans overinflate
themselves and try to "fit in"
“The ego
thrives on separateness” – Dr. Wayne
Dyer “Four Pathways to Success” (audio tape)
If you're looking for a more spiritual type of reason to go abroad, here it is.
In
Many immigrants upon arrival in
In America's case, since the
majority population
believes that they are individual separate egos detached from others,
any
newcomer immediately FEELS like a separate
disconnected ego, even if he/she felt connected wherever
they came from
prior, because that is
the new reality
that he/she is in. It's
a reality
co-created by the American population, lifestyle, culture, and
collective
thought/beliefs/values. In
essence,
they're on their own once they come here, literally and figuratively,
unless
they have pre-existing friends or relatives.
But even if they do, their social interaction will usually
be limited to
them.
Hence,
In many spiritual traditions, this
belief of having a
separate individual ego creates much suffering, for a separate ego has
a “me
vs. them” mentality. And
since
From a spiritual and quantum
perspective, we and the
universe are all interconnected. Thus,
our ideals of separateness cause a whole series of imbalances
– psychological
and physical (highest rates of mental illness and obesity in the
industrialized
world, for example). In
the
As a consequence, this lack of
interconnectedness
between people in
a) Why Americans tend to overinflate
their ego/confidence/attitude
Due to a lack of
interconnectedness, Americans tend to
puff up and overinflate
their ego, attitude and
confidence to appear "tough" to compensate for their vulnerability,
since they are on their own. And
in the
process, many develop narcissistic attitudes as well.
It's individualism gone too far, in my
opinion and by the rest of the world's standards.
Now couple that with overwork, stress, and
loneliness, and you've got mental/behavioral dysfunction breeding big
time,
which is no surprise why the
The disproportionate American ego
and attitude are too
obvious to deny, especially when you compare them to foreigners. In fact, it's one reason
why Americans think
they are superior to the rest of the world, and come off as arrogant
about
it. When they are
in abroad, they notice
that their egos are larger than those of the foreigners, who by
comparison are
more modest and humble, and thus they subconsciously feel superior when
amongst
foreigners.
My culture consultant, in his guide
on how to behave
in
“a)
In America
you need to blow your horn and act independent and arrogant to show you
are
somebody. Not there (
In other countries on the other
hand, people have a
natural sense of interconnectedness with each other, as well as a rich
communal
bond, so they have no need to overinflate
their egos
and confidence. Instead,
they have a
calm relaxed ego and confidence that's in harmony with the rest of
their
personality, unlike the bulging/pulsating ego/confidence that Americans
tend to
exude which can be quite intimidating to others and to foreigners.
Thus, they are more comfortable to
be around (in my
view at least). And
that's why I have a
more natural comfort zone with foreigners.
This difference is readily noticeable by anyone with
exposure to
foreigners and newly arrived immigrants.
One can easily sense it in their personalities, vibes and
auras, that
they are accustomed to a rich communal bond.
It's a refreshing contrast to the big bulging type of ego
and
over-confidence that modern Americans tend to develop, which is
overcompensating, intimidating to others, and leads to dysfunctional
behavior, maladaptation
and mental illness.
You see, a sense of natural
interconnection with
others means you simply don't need to develop a big ego, attitude, or
over-confidence to be "tough".
But in
Some Americans even consider me
"weak" and
"timid" when they meet me, because I don't overinflate
my attitude and confidence in the bravado style that they do, and
appear too
easy-going to them. But
in reality, I
have a deep inner strength, balance, harmony and willpower that they
don't know
or appreciate (and how can they since most of them have no "inner
life" anyway). So I
have no need to
inflate my outer personality to imitate them, which they sometimes use
to put
me down. Funnily
enough, even some young
punks have chided me for not being like them, acting as though
“everything is
cool” and exuding fake optimism all the time.
However, I find their act/behavior too fake for my taste
and also, if I
were to try to emulate them, well, I just wouldn’t feel good
about myself doing
it.
In fact, even their British
counterparts, whose
culture/values most closely resemble ours, have far less of an egoist
attitude
and act far more modestly (as well as more cultured).
b) The conflicting oxymoron of
trying to "fit
in"
The second common maladaptive
behavior influenced by
the lack of a sense of interconnectedness in the
And of course, there are some who
simply live their
own life and don’t care about “fitting
in”, as my dad described to me about how
he dealt with this issue:
“Dear Win,
I can understand now what you
had gone through in those
growing up years in
I am glad and feel so relief
that you finally came
out of that and are able to find your own path and write about them.
You can
now guide others out of those traps and find their happiness some place
else.
Good luck, love,
Dad”
An offshoot of this is the
"identity crisis"
where an individual feels undefined, not knowing his/her place and
purpose in
an "artificial society" like ours (which is not even in harmony with
nature or our own souls). It's
a complex
neurosis that makes no sense, and has no logical solution, yet it's an
ongoing
problem that lingers in the psyche of many in
The problem though, stems from an
inherent
conflict/contradiction between American cultural values and our innate
human
nature. On the one
hand, Americans like
to be separate from others, independent, not need others, and be in
their own
space and bubble. And
they are
conditioned to derive a sense of pride and honor from being independent
and
autonomous. But on
the other, we have an
innate human need to connect/bond with others and belong to a social
group/collective.
Thus, a fundamental conflict arises at the core
between our mentality and our natural biological/psychological needs. They mentally tell themselves, "I am strong, independent,
self-reliant. I don't need others. I am happy being alone. And I'm proud of it." But in their heart and emotions they FEEL a
need to bond/connect to others and belong, so deep down they wonder "how
do I fit in and where do I fit in?" These two needs are diametrically opposed, and
can progress to a deep "identity crisis" that they can't explain or
understand, like a split-personality within them that creates confusion.
Simply put, the American cultural value of separateness
does not breed unity, deep-hearted camaraderie, or a communal sense of
belonging among its people. Instead, it
breeds narcissism and selfishness. My
cultural consultant couldn't have been more right when he told me:
"Americans don't tend
to work well in groups. They meet for
convenience and then go their separate ways, each doing his/her own
thing."
In contrast, in other countries
"fitting in"
is simply not an issue, and certainly not a neurosis, because the
natural
inherent sense of interconnectedness in foreign cultures makes everyone
"fit in" by default, since there is no cultural/psychological
separation in the first place. Since
in
most other nations there is not such a strong sense of individualism,
they do
not view themselves as separate from others.
Thus, people have more in common with each other and get
along much
better than those in individualistic countries do.
There isn’t this Western individualistic ego
that battles other egos like in
One of the best examples of this is
in the
“One thing you will
notice in the
people
will just accept you as you are and treat you as a human being.
That is called Freedom. The freedom to be yourself.
I am not afraid to go to Casinos
there, bars and restaurants and that I
will feel out of place or see
cocky
people around swaggering or puffing up their chests. All social
interactions
are smooth and
friendly
and you are part of everything. I just walk in and the feeling is nice.
You are
included in their
groups.
They are so different from the Anglos or the CJKs
(Chinese, Japanese, Koreans).”
And regarding the healthy advanced
integrated social
life in the
"The Philippine
society puts primary emphasis on family, human relations and the
development
thereof- which includes sex, friendship, love, etc.
Socially, it seems to be one of the most
advanced societies on earth. Of
course,
these developments are not mentioned in the western press which only
measures
progress in political, technological and financial areas. If it started measuring
societies by the
healthfulness of social life, the place you are at would win hands down. Cheerz."
In fact, the article at this link
below explains why
Filipinos in general, though poor, have a pure radiant happiness about
them and
in their smiles (which I can personally attest to, having been in the
Philippines)
attributing it to their fundamental view that they are NOT separate
from
others:
http://www.livinginthephilippin
“UP Professor Felipe
de Leon, after a decade of
researching, has concluded that Filipino culture is the most
inclusive and open of all those he has studied. It is the
opposite of the individualistic culture of the West, with its emphasis
on
privacy and personal fulfillment. It is also the opposite of certain
collectivistic cultures, as one finds them in Confucian societies, that
value
hierarchy and ‘face.'
"BY CONTRAST", Filipino culture
is based on
the notion of kapwa, a Tagalog
word that roughly translates into "shared being." In essence, it
means that most Filipinos, deep down, do
not believe that their own existence is separable from that of the
people
around them. Everything, from pain to a snack or a joke, is
there to be
shared. "The strongest social urge of the Filipino is to connect, to
become one with people", says De
One of my readers who has
lived in the
“I've
lived in the
From my experience in foreign environments, you can sense this “interconnectedness” I speak of, even without seeing any evidence, from the vibe in the air around you, generated by the collective mentality/attitude of the population.
Those who visit
“Hi Winston,
I
was just talking to someone in the newsroom where I work about his trip
to
Some offshoot effects of
“separateness” in
Here are some other offshoot
effects of the inherent
separateness in
a) Going out alone in
other countries doesn't leave you
feeling vulnerable, alone, or insecure like you would in
On the other hand, when you go out
alone in
b) Likewise, being single
in other countries is also far
less painful than in America, where the lack of interconnectedness
makes being
single much worse than it otherwise would be in an inclusive
interconnected
social environment and vibe. After
all,
what could be more lonely than being alone in a society where people
are
isolated from you mentally, emotionally, and psychologically by default?
In a society where everyone is separate, independent, and in their own bubble/shell, it feels awkward, unnatural, and inappropriate to try to meet people or connect with others, rather than in an interconnected/communal environment.
c) Nowadays, the whole
country seems unduly insecure, as
one reader observed:
“Living
in the
Western
Europeans however are very warm in welcoming you if you have money or
not. In
d) Our overemphasis with
individuality in
http://www.happierabroad.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=18
“The
US appears to hold
individuality so dear that it has produced possibly the most bland
'individuals' of all cultures, bi-polar patients aside perhaps, which
there
seems to be no end of now. It would appear the true life of the person
cannot
be found in isolation, rather it blooms in a more collective mentality.
No
surprise, it's difficult to cultivate a complex mentality when all
you're
exposed to is the same people, friends, situations, roads, jobs, etc or
worse,
left in isolation. I have always found my friends from other countries
to be
far more informed and colorful as people, men and women both and far
more
altruistic and 'other oriented' than the people I've known in the
Strangest thing is, the people I've
known from politically
torn and bomb ridden countrysides are far less paranoid than people
from the
States and far more outgoing. Then again, people from safer countries
than the
e) Also, the belief in
separateness from others also
contributes to disunity and harmony in the American family. It has been sociologically
documented that
families in
f) The individuality of separateness view also contributes to a primitive socialization process. This expat intellectual noted:
In conclusion, Americans simply don't know how to deal
with this emptiness and lack of interconnectedness. If you look at their
faces in public, you notice that they look angry, high strung and irritable all
the time, not knowing why they aren't happy or what they are missing.
Occasionally, they pull out the regular punch line greeting to others,
"How are you? Oh I'm just great, and how about you?" in their
artificial cheerful tones, to reinforce fake optimism on each other. But
it's just a temporary fix-it "band-aid" they try to use which in no
way substitutes for the rich communal bond, sense of belonging, deep-hearted
camaraderie, or interconnectedness with others that they are missing.
To be fair though, separateness and individuality do
have some advantages that are worth noting.
For one, if you are in a group, family or environment that is
detrimental to your interests and goals, it is much easier for an individualist/separatist
to do what it takes to get out of such a predicament, than it would be for one
who is group-minded and co-dependent on their group/family. The latter aligns his/her interests with
those of the group, viewing the group’s interests as his/her own, dissolving
their own individuality in the process.
Plus, group-minded folks are less likely to speak out or take action
when it’s needed, and more likely to be modest and passive instead. And they can be unnecessarily
self-sacrificing (depending on your views and values of course), foregoing
their own needs for others. But of
course, whether these are advantages or not depends on one’s personal and
cultural values.
Americans should take note that in most religions and
spiritual systems, it is taught that the more conscious and God-loving people
view themselves as interconnected with others, the universe, and God himself,
for that is the true nature of how things really are, even at the quantum
level. That’s why they aim at absolving
the ego (sin nature in Christian terms) which thrives on separateness rather
than unity with others and God. As one
of my insightful Indian readers observed about the dualistic “separation from
others” mentality of
“I myself am heavily influenced by nondualist studies, such as Zen,
Sufism, Advaita and Taoism, which focus heavily on interconnectedness with the
universe, and getting away from the "I" (and understanding that our
own perception of the self is generally false).
Indeed,
By the way,
I do also think, however, that good and bad exists everywhere, in
different ways and different amounts, which I know you've
addressed. And we can only fight the bad so much. So it's a matter of how
well we take the good with the bad.
But yes, when it comes to this particular problem of not being
able to control the ego, and being hopelessly caught in the traps of duality,
rather than engaging in interconnectedness with all,
The insightful metaphysics/spirituality author,
Fritjof Capra, noted in his book The Tao
of Physics, page 9, about the consequences that “fragmentation” in man and
society leads to:
“This inner fragmentation of man mirrors his view of
the world “outside,” which is seen as a multitude of separate objects and
events. The natural environment is
treated as if it consisted of separate parts to be exploited by different
interest groups. The fragmented view is
further extended to society, which is split into different nations, races, religious
and political groups. The belief that
all these fragments – in ourselves, in our environment, and in our society –
are really separate can be seen as the essential reason for the present series
of social, ecological, and cultural crises. It has alienated us from nature and from our
fellow human beings. It has brought a
grossly unjust distribution of natural resources, creating economic and
political disorder; an ever-rising wave of violence, both spontaneous and
institutionalized, and an ugly, polluted environment in which life has often
become physically and mentally unhealthy.”
Finally, the best-selling New Age author and motivational
speaker Dr. Wayne Dyer teaches in his lectures and books:
“The ego thrives on separateness. Authentic freedom is found by absolving this
sense of separateness from others and God.” (“Four Pathways to Success” audio
tape)
Reader responses:
-
“Interesting. A lot of it stems
from collective mentality-
there is no need for a massive ego if you belong
to a group with many
friends. They bolster
you and support you and make you feel better about yourself.
In the
others with huge egos will crush you. And people will not
respect you if
you do not puff up your chest and
tell the world "I am great!"”
- “You really tell the
truth the way it
is about American society. Many
people want to get in a
bubble or comfort zone of a kind of fake reality
with our mainstream media,
superficial tv and
music and it reflects in
the women of
engineered to live apart and not
want "natural" contact with others but
instead want superficial
relationships and friendships. It is hard for
free thinkers of different
backgrounds in
comfortable in this kind of
environment, which is why I want to either
move to
would be more open and
accepting for a classical black musician as
myself! The educational
system is dumbing us
down as well in American,
making us submissive to
authority and never questioning things in our
society. I could write a long
essay about this but I agree with everyth
ing that you have said.
Keep up the good work.
Richard
-
“Alright I
just read the rest of your paper and though I still agree with the
original
thought I can see where you placed your finding... without a doubt the
countries I have been too particularly Sweden and Jordan when traveling
many
times perfect strangers would ask for my friends and I to come
visit...
have dinner, tea, etc without wanting or expecting anything in
return. These
things you would never, ever see in the states
where everyone
stranger or friend is looked at as a threat.
hope
you had a good day,
Maureen”
-
“Do you remember these pop song
lyrics:
"If I fail, if I succeed, at least I'll live like I
believe......."
also "I did it my way....." and ".... then the hero comes along,
with the strength to carry on....."
All the above things represent the American spirit of
individual
achievement and, ironically, you are using it, and following it while
looking
for collectivist cultures. In
other
words, you are looking for the balance between the two and, possibly,
finding
it.”
-
“Agreed.
-
“Hi
Winston I can 100 percent relate to your last article. About
how the
http://www.expatexchange.com/expat/index.cfm?frmid=275&forumid=0&dbname=ee&tpcid=3334383&shared=N
- “Interesting points, but not necessarily; like anything and most
everything there are rules of thumbs and generalizations that can be drawn; yet
exceptions and standard errors exists.
- a strong cohesive society can also have its draw-back
- the so-in-your-face-imposing type of culture as well as peer pressure; though
it can be a comfort and joy, it can also be a hindrance in creative expression
that seem to be fostered in individualistic form of environments...
- extreme peer pressure can lead to hypocrisy, where
individuals will tend to mask certain predispositions for the sake of
conformity.
though filipina by origin, and I grew up in Manila in
the early formative years, my father was a foreign diplomat for a European
country, hence I grew up in an ex-pat Manila setting; My adult career in the US
while often in Europe (Italy) - I see the pros and cons of both invidualized
and cohesive family-style types of societies (which seems to me like an
extended tribal form of grouping) ....
individualized societies can be annoying too ... don't
get me wrong ...
but just wanted to comment, that .. sense experience
needs to be taken with a grain of salt ...
there are pros and cons .. there's not one best way or
mode ... (well I guess it's not best if it's fascist, totalitarian or any form
of extremism) ....
i see life as a dialectic ... i simply flow.”
Thank you
for previewing the Happier Abroad Ebook. Get the FULL version
now for only $14 by PayPal to wwu777us@yahoo.com!
Now
comes with 3
FREE BONUS gifts:
Expatriate Observations Ebook -
containing over 150 pages of multi-national wisdom and advice by my
cultural
consultant, the "Socrates of International Culture", a MUST
HAVE for anyone contemplating a multi-national existence, My Travel and Dating
Guide To Russia Ebook, and complete
access to all 9 of my epic legendary Russia/Europe
Photojournals!
Previous
Page
Back
to Table of
Contents
Next
Page
