Can someone define confidence for me?

[GuitarGuy996]

I'm getting really tired of my peers, various internet sources, and often times this forum explaining how women want a "confident man".

Be confident bro!

What IS confidence? When I think confident I think of a trendy (hipster/thug/sports freak) douche bag at a club with a cocky smile plastered on his face. I think this "confidence" thing is bullshit and I'm awfully tired of hearing it. Even "acting" confident is silly.

I have suffered from severe anxiety since sophomore year in high school. I tried everything in and out of school to remedy this since I knew women wanted this "confident alpha" and that was not me at the time. I tried breathing exercises, medication, meditation, dieting, hypnosis etc to help make me appear more "confident" to no avail. Today, at 26, the anxiety is still there, although now is only a fraction of what it once was. The remedy? I stopped trying to act confident. I stopped fighting against my body's natural reaction to fear. Your body is built to respond a certain way to situations you fear. If you are afraid, you are afraid. Showing it does not make you "beta" or "weak", it makes you a damn human. Also, crying is a natural way for women AND men to dispel physical and emotional stress. Once I stopped fighting the real, vulnerable person I am on the inside, the anxiety subsided. I believe and take pride in masculinity but our modern definitions of it are ridiculous.

(I can't wait to see if The Arab comes on here and starts calling me "cupcake" for saying any of this).

I think TRUE confidence (although I admit I seriously hate using the word because it implies you actually have to work to achieve it rather than just letting go) is a self actualized male. I notice more women checking out the nerd I that I am today simply because I am not trying to be someone I'm not.

I am not going to read a million ways to improve my "style" or speech to learn how to get a woman. Now, granted, looking presentable and put together is part of attraction, but I think that looking good is a natural bi product of feeling good about yourself on the inside. No, I'm not talking about "inner-game", I'm talking about completely accepting yourself for who you are; learning to like yourself.

Lose your pride and start living.

[aozora13]

I believe because of the feminization of men since the 1970s most young men 16-29 have lost confidence in themselves and thus have problems communicating with women (as an example) and are unfortunately made fun of by other men who have confidence and are told to develop confidence by asking a woman (American in most cases) on a date.

I have heard that a good way to develop confidence is taking improv classes or possible Toastmaster (public speaking) to develop confidence in talking to other people.

Unfortunately, in America a man can be confident, smart, have a good career, attractive and a good speaker and still cannot have a relationship with a woman (in the US/CA). I have witnessed guys who are not ugly, have style, are confident, educated and can talk to many people who have women think they are royal (or having divine right) and ignore them and not give them the time of day.

Sadly, you can understand that you improve your 'confidence' in other culture where you will be better received and this can help you have a positive outlook on yourself. America is not the place where you can really develop your confidence unless you can develop there which not common because of the constant negative feedback from people.

This has happened to me and my family constantly insulting me (choices, appearance), American women(hobbies, interests being cheap for meals). Overtime, it gets really stressful and men start to loose confidence in themselves.

[WuFan]

The only way to get confidence is by being validated externally.

Confidence comes from looks, money, social status or being good at what you do.

An ugly guy with confidence is still ugly and will get rejected by women and called a creep/pervert/loser.

The exact same approach by a good looking, but unconfident shy guy will be labled as cute, modest and mysterious by women and it´ll get their p***y wet.

[GuitarGuy996]

I have a friend who I will call "G". I limit my time with G because he is extremely competitive and is always trying to one-up me. He usually does this via a steady flow of subtle insults, done in a joking way, to keep me underneath him and himself on top. He is extremely intelligent and manipulative. He knows that if he was to outright insult/bash me, I would not take it. Rather, he utilizes back-handed compliments etc. to keep me around yet exude his control. All these character flaws aside: G is extremely good with American women. I've been with him at bars and have witnessed him with various girls he's dated; women love his attitude. G is an ex heroin addict and ex-felon. This does not matter to the women.

He constantly keeps them on a lower level with subtle insults/back-handed compliments. You, as the receiver, subconsciously and strangely WANT his approval since he will do nice things for you in between insults. He utilizes manipulation/game control 101. I see his success with women, yet also witness that his life is filled with drama. From morning till night, he is dealing with female relationship drama. I flat out have told him I have no problem sacrificing sex and keeping my life over his.

I can't and don't want to be this person. He can have the sex. I mean this.

I imagine the attraction to a "dominant" male results from poor father/daughter interaction in the U.S. I'm sure there are other reasons.

Now, as for being a leader. If someone honestly appreciates something that I do and wants to learn from me, great. However, it is OK to be a follower. Men in this country want to be the best at everything so they can win over female attention. However, they fail to realize that they only way to be really good at something is to be a good follower and listener. Weakness is strength, and delayed pleasure trumps immediate gratification.

Many men don't realize that weakness is strength, regardless of what women will say to shame the weak.

When you believe in yourself and no longer require the approval of the American female, you are set up for success.

I also want to comment on a few guys on this forum who still think being an asshole is the best way to live your life and get what you want. You cannot stay physically strong forever. At some point, age is going to catch up with you. There is a saying that goes something like "Be kind to others when you are on your way up so they will help you when you are on your way down". ALL of us will be "on our way down" at some point in our lives.

My 2 cents,
Bill

[Billy]

or you can shoot yourself like hemmingway. so there is no way down.

weak is strong and strong is weak. in the end there is no success in life. we will all be pretty dead. anyway life is about creating new life. and for quality you have to hastle. drama gets the hot drama queens.

i am out of the dating scene i am kind of too old and there is too much hustle

[S_Parc]

Here's the thing, when one actually has confidence, one won't want to have anything to do with this game.

This is what I've noticed, once I'd started to lose interest in AWs and then, women in general.

Thus now, AWs are strangely interested in me because I have stuff going on in my life, professionally, but I couldn't give a rat's @ss about them.

Even my sister has become more abusive to her husband because I seldom return her calls, if it's not in and around Thanksgiving. She's lost power over me and now, has taken it out on a Mangina, who's afraid to fight back.

So all and all, don't worry about it. Focus on earning money and get then yourself a GF in Brazil, if that's your liking.

[GuitarGuy996]

S_parc, that's great. I was thinking about your post (although I had forgotten who'd posted it) when I wrote this. I can relate and am experiencing the same thing myself.

[Falcon]

What is this so-called "confidence"? Cross the US-Mexico border multiple times and practice with being grilled by the American border cops. If you're good at talking to them with at least some level of swagger, and not "looking nervous," then you would have the so-called "confidence" that superficial Americans want.

Sometimes, I've looked somewhat nervous and not so "confident" in front of Mexican women (at least from an American perspective). Guess what? They would think that is cute and get more attracted, and more aggressive / seductive. Maybe because they see it as a sweet, charming demeanor that is a welcome break from the arrogant machismo they had grown around with. I've noticed the same pattern with the Filipinas.

[AmericanInMexico]

What is this so-called "confidence"? Cross the US-Mexico border multiple times and practice with being grilled by the American border cops. If you're good at talking to them with a least some level of swagger, and not "looking nervous," then you would have the so-called "confidence" that superficial Americans want.

Right on Falcon! Every single time I cross back into the United States, I feel like I'm being treated like some sort of terrorist. I once had to endure a 30-minute vehicle search simply because I had a bag of beef jerky that I forgot to declare. Then there was the time the guard said I "looked nervous" and pulled me out of the car and strip-searched me.

Perhaps the most asinine thing though is that now they search you going INTO Mexico! Why are the American border guards so concerned about what I'm taking OUT OF the country? Let the Mexican border guards inspect me on THEIR side! Why are the American guards doing the Mexican guards' job?

I seriously hate the American Border Patrol. I know they have an important job but it seems like they get the most aggressive people possible to work there. But I guess it all makes sense, since it is the most arrogant country in the world after all.

[Blue Murder]

GuitarGuy pretty much hit all nails on their respective heads with everything I would've said in this post. Women are the farthest thing from and on my mind right now -- with Western ones not even being in my rearview -- and while I'm not perfectly content, I'm a hell of a lot happier than I would be if they were on my mind. I'm more focused on health, knowledge and improvement. I have a great opportunity and a life that'll go down in history as legendary. Yes, I know that I'll end up developing some kind of notoriety. Yes, I know that Western women will try to get on my dick. But they won't be able to; I don't give two shits about women generally, with Western women being the 'especially' subject here. Forget them and focus on YOU. Show the world that 100% of you is non-negotiable. That's TRUE confidence.

When I read about that 'G' guy, it brought back memories of an identical situation I was in during high school.

I had a 'friend' like "G", by the name of William -- excuse me, "Reminaux". He was pretty much like G, but worse. He lied constantly -- still does I bet. He knows I'm a orphan with no living blood relatives; the man looks me in my eye and says he's the same in that regard, yet I learn that his mum is alive and well in the county lock-up. When confronted, his excuse was, "Well, she's dead to me, so that's what I meant."

Pathological the point of embodying the definition. He lied to me, his brother, his grandmum -- everybody. He didn't discriminate. He lied when it made no sense; he lied when it would create difficulty for himself. When did the truth come out, you ask? When he was constantly nitpicking and insulting you, of course. I was the only one in class who gave a damn about his worthless arse, yet he was always putting me down in front of everyone. He did it at my own goddamned house! Talked shite about me behind my back. This kid ... I don't even know.

He was a smart cookie, sure. And he knew this. He'd manipulate the hell out people -- but not me. I was mentally superior to him -- both in fortitude and intellectual capacity, and I think his inability to control me made him jealous, and create a negative sentiment in him that began the down-spiral of our 'friendship'.

Ha. I remember when he created this false name for himself after convincing the entire school he was born in France. He said that he "found" his true birth certificate, and that his name was really "Reminaux Auday Wischard". I knew he was full of shit, and he knew that I knew. What was funny is how everyone believed him, yet didn't believe that you could be black and from the UK. I live in one of the most ignorant and insipid places on Earth -- true story. But I digress.

As said before, he'd always put me down to sort of validate himself and put his-self up. When it came to girls, fahget about it! Speaking of girls, like that "G" guy, "Remi" was short of a loser in real life, so he'd live on-line -- specifically using this 3D chat programme called "IMVU". He'd meet girls on there, chat 'em up, and then be on the phone with them that night. He was talking to some university one day at my house -- Jessica.

Our 'friendship' ended after I called him on his shit, and severed all ties. To this day, he's still butthurt at the fact that somebody bested him. But strangely enough, I think that's what he wanted -- what he needed. Do I regret meeting him? No. Why? Because it tested me. It added to my growth at the time. I mentally and metaphysically went toe-to-toe with the school's star pupil; the genius; the cassanova who had all kinds of cunts falling at his feet.

What's my point? HERE'S my point...

People like "G" and "Remi" don't have true fortitude -- true confidence. Their need to validate their miserable selves and worth in the world is defined by how many others live in their shadow(s). They can't be followers, only leaders. Being the former isn't a bad thing, so long as you follow the right man into the field. These people are simply practice dummies that true sleeping revolutionaries and legends need to gain experience from before they can really say they're secure.

Remi wasn't able to control me, challenged me, and lost in the end.

Women may ignore me because I'm no false Alpha Male, but I'll be damned if they puppeteer me and have my arse asking "how high?" when they say "jump!".

Like I said: f**k everyone and do YOU. YOU are unique in the way that you are non-negotiable. NO aspect of you should ever be negotiable in any way, shape or form.

[FlyingMoose]

Watch a few episodes of The Dog Whisperer, and all your questions will be answered.

[Introvert]

Asked myself this question a while ago. Here’s what I came up with. Love to get your opinion:

What is confidence?
There is a difference between confidence and competence.
Competence is knowing that you can perform a task or skill.
Confidence is being comfortable with who you are and being unabashedly unashamed of that.
Competence can be measured, counted or quantified.
Confidence is belief.

A major problem that I’ve noticed is that many women here simply cannot discern between confidence, over-confidence or arrogance. It’s all the same to them. The brasher, the better.

I’m learning to recognize women that are turned off by over-confidence and arrogance since I seem to get along better with women that are not fooled by barrages of bs (BoB).

[polya]

I'm getting really tired of my peers, various internet sources, and often times this forum explaining how women want a "confident man".

Be confident bro!

What IS confidence? When I think confident I think of a trendy (hipster/thug/sports freak) douche bag at a club with a cocky smile plastered on his face. I think this "confidence" thing is bullshit and I'm awfully tired of hearing it. Even "acting" confident is silly.



I think TRUE confidence (although I admit I seriously hate using the word because it implies you actually have to work to achieve it rather than just letting go) is a self actualized male. I notice more women checking out the nerd I that I am today simply because I am not trying to be someone I'm not.

I am not going to read a million ways to improve my "style" or speech to learn how to get a woman. Now, granted, looking presentable and put together is part of attraction, but I think that looking good is a natural bi product of feeling good about yourself on the inside. No, I'm not talking about "inner-game", I'm talking about completely accepting yourself for who you are; learning to like yourself.

Lose your pride and start living.

I think "confidence" in general is very different to the idea AW have in their minds about a "confident man." The latter is being an ALPHA male, some perfect guy who is so good looking he is never refused at work, home and in the dating scene. Very few men can live up to this.
In comparison "confidence" is an evaluation of your abilities. This can be internal (e.g. "I feel confident at meeting girls.") or external e.g. "Polya the best IT guru in LA". So confidence is based on other people's evaluations of us, and our own evaluation.

[Renata]

The confidence thing is all about being able to approach girls with your A' game etc; it's an all american thing & it's a sad thing.

I've always stuck with the guy that I get along with; the one I'm genuinely happy with. 'You should always go for your type' & not what you think you should have'. (the same goes for friends & the people you keep around you) If you find a good girl that you get along with & have fun with; you like being around & you both treat each-other well with love & care; & she appreciates you; There it is; she's your type. It's as simple as that.

Too much information is being shoved down peoples throats by peers, media, even family. I've always known what's best for me; I listen to critique, suggestions & advice but one should never just do as they are told without analyzing what's being said. You're perfect GuitarGuy996. Forget about what people say, how can they measure your confidence anyway??? If everyone was the same the world would be a very dull place to live in.

[GuitarGuy996]

For the record, I wrote this months ago when I was back in the states. I'm in a happy relationship now so anything I was feeling then I'm not really feeling now