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Hard to make friends in America?

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Hard to make friends in America?

Postby dusk99 » Tue Apr 10, 2012 10:40 pm

I'll begin by saying I'm originally from a small European country, but I speak fluent English with an American accent. I have to say it seems very hard to make friends in America, and believe me I've tried. Don't get me wrong, I've made a lot of "acquaintances" here, people I talk to and sometimes joke around with, but nobody really puts forth any effort maintaining a friendship. People are very nice in the beginning, but then disappear and we don't speak again until we randomly come across each other again. People are reluctant to contact someone and ask them to do something unless they've known them for years and years, even though I have invited people to do things they never put in any effort in doing the same. It just seems like people aren't interested in creating friendships stronger than a superficial acquaintanceship.
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Re: Hard to make friends in America?

Postby jamesbond » Tue Apr 10, 2012 10:56 pm

dusk99 wrote:I'll begin by saying I'm originally from a small European country, but I speak fluent English with an American accent. I have to say it seems very hard to make friends in America, and believe me I've tried. Don't get me wrong, I've made a lot of "acquaintances" here, people I talk to and sometimes joke around with, but nobody really puts forth any effort maintaining a friendship. People are very nice in the beginning, but then disappear and we don't speak again until we randomly come across each other again. People are reluctant to contact someone and ask them to do something unless they've known them for years and years, even though I have invited people to do things they never put in any effort in doing the same. It just seems like people aren't interested in creating friendships stronger than a superficial acquaintanceship.

Welcome to America! In the US people are too busy working themselves into an early grave to take the time to make friends. I read an article that said people in the US have fewer friends than they did 20 years ago.

In the USA, it's life, liberty and the pursuit of a paycheck! :D
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Postby aozora13 » Tue Apr 10, 2012 10:56 pm

Dusk unfortunately that is true for most Americans as most Americans when they are younger (and later in university) form groups or cliques and usually to meet new people is rare for them. Since I have a few friends, other Americans know exactly what you are going through.

I would think that even Western European countries ; even Germanic countries like Germany, Switzerland, Austria have good friendships and have problems for foreigners to break into their cliques unless the person is open to meeting foreigners.

If America was like Spain in friendships, I am sure America would be better. Unfortunately, even myself from the capital, it is not easy to make friends with Americans and it is better to meet foreigners who are more open to do activities.
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Postby lavezzi » Tue Apr 10, 2012 11:48 pm

It's the exact same in all of the Anglosphere. Having a girlfriend here is such a rarity nowadays for most guys that the concern shouldn't be over whether men can get love and sex, it should be over whether men can get any friends at all and aren't living a life of isolation. The problem is that nobody feels any responsibility to make friends with anyone else and are only concerned with their themselves and their own desires. It's impossible to break through the superficial and establish real friendships as most people are ultra-cliquish and seem very self-absorbed. At this stage, most young men even seem to be status whores like women; only wanting to be around someone who they think is higher up in the social hierarchy than them.

The more isolated time you spend, the more separate you feel from culture. Which is a good thing in terms of personal development (you don't want to become an over-socialized conformist like most people) but it can take a toll on your mental health from time to time.
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Re: Hard to make friends in America?

Postby emh » Wed Apr 11, 2012 4:08 am

jamesbond wrote:
dusk99 wrote:I'll begin by saying I'm originally from a small European country, but I speak fluent English with an American accent. I have to say it seems very hard to make friends in America, and believe me I've tried. Don't get me wrong, I've made a lot of "acquaintances" here, people I talk to and sometimes joke around with, but nobody really puts forth any effort maintaining a friendship. People are very nice in the beginning, but then disappear and we don't speak again until we randomly come across each other again. People are reluctant to contact someone and ask them to do something unless they've known them for years and years, even though I have invited people to do things they never put in any effort in doing the same. It just seems like people aren't interested in creating friendships stronger than a superficial acquaintanceship.

Welcome to America! In the US people are too busy working themselves into an early grave to take the time to make friends. I read an article that said people in the US have fewer friends than they did 20 years ago.

In the USA, it's life, liberty and the pursuit of a paycheck! :D


That's part of it. People are also too busy with their book club, yoga class, tennis lessons, etc. That's the one nice thing about developing countries...people actually have time for friendships and dating.
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Postby kingjoe60 » Wed Apr 11, 2012 10:10 am

very true lavezzi here in west its a big problem you try an organise 10 mates to play soccer once a week and you will soon find that people will have other things to do, not turn up, people you think were your friend once are not because its a selffish society all about ones self and makes themself happy not about community and that leads to mental health issues which myself have suffered due to environment around me.

bowling alone is a book that talks about this problem in america
kingjoe60 youtube
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Postby All_That_Is_Man » Wed Apr 11, 2012 7:15 pm

Well, it's hard to make friends in America (or the entire Anglosphere, rather) if you are a MALE. It's not strange, however, for a typical, below-average female to have 200 to 300 (or more) friends on her Facebook.
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Postby dusk99 » Wed Apr 11, 2012 9:07 pm

Sometimes I just feel so pissed off and angry at this society. I mean I'm only 21 and decent to good looking, I can hold a conversation and be funny, yet I have to put in ALL the effort if I want social experiences in a place where I hardly know anyone. If I stopped trying I would live a life of complete isolation, since no one every approaches me and tries to be my friend, I have to do it myself. And then when people don't reciprocate I feel more frustrated.

Everyone on my college campus is part of some small clique, the same people they've been hanging out with for years and years.
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Postby The Arab » Thu Apr 12, 2012 3:21 am

dusk99 wrote:Sometimes I just feel so pissed off and angry at this society. I mean I'm only 21 and decent to good looking, I can hold a conversation and be funny, yet I have to put in ALL the effort if I want social experiences in a place where I hardly know anyone. If I stopped trying I would live a life of complete isolation, since no one every approaches me and tries to be my friend, I have to do it myself. And then when people don't reciprocate I feel more frustrated.

Everyone on my college campus is part of some small clique, the same people they've been hanging out with for years and years.


What country are you from, and where are you studying in the US ?

I felt exactly the same, I study in Los Angeles, and it's exactly the way you describe it. People out here are very superficial , cliquish, and self-centered . Also, flakey and poor social skills. Even in cliques, people don't have genuine conversations, just repeated simplistic politically correct cocktail chatter.

Socially retarded, folks here are. Their minds are empty, they're fake, they have no camaraderie, they are very insecure internally and socially engineered to be this way.
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Postby Jester » Thu Apr 12, 2012 4:16 am

Ok guys very trenchant observations.

Who's got solutions?

This website is about overseas dating, sure. But while we're here in The Matrix, what are some ways to make friends?

We will do better overseas if we are in a good mood when we get there - not bitter and angry.

Plus, if one brings a gorgeous foreign honey back here, who will you choose to socialize with? The TV set? The same disconnected drones that you see going by now? Even with a fine honey, one needs friends.

And even living overseas we may need these skills. I don't want to spend every single spare moment with my new bride's family, just because I have no other life.

Like most Americans, I made friends in school, which my shrewish wife then drove off. Same with friends from work. So I'm in the same boat.

Let's put our heads together. What are some ways to break the isolation. Small big ideas, small ideas, clever ideas, silly ideas. Let's hear it.
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Postby zboy1 » Thu Apr 12, 2012 6:18 am

Jester wrote:Ok guys very trenchant observations.

Who's got solutions?

This website is about overseas dating, sure. But while we're here in The Matrix, what are some ways to make friends?

We will do better overseas if we are in a good mood when we get there - not bitter and angry.

Plus, if one brings a gorgeous foreign honey back here, who will you choose to socialize with? The TV set? The same disconnected drones that you see going by now? Even with a fine honey, one needs friends.

And even living overseas we may need these skills. I don't want to spend every single spare moment with my new bride's family, just because I have no other life.

Like most Americans, I made friends in school, which my shrewish wife then drove off. Same with friends from work. So I'm in the same boat.

Let's put our heads together. What are some ways to break the isolation. Small big ideas, small ideas, clever ideas, silly ideas. Let's hear it.


You could try to meet like minded people in social gatherings like churches or at a community gathering. I know some people on HA that have met other members of the forum in person and have become friends. Or, if you prefer foreigners to Americans, you could try to date foreign women or men living in the U.S. and have them introduce you to their family and friends. That way, you get introduced to their particular ethnic community.
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Postby Jester » Thu Apr 12, 2012 7:11 am

You're right. I'mnot drinking right now so Zumba class and yoga would be an alcohol free venue for Armenian and other chicks.

Social circle maybe... not necessarily dating right away...

Guess I should get out to some other things too

Church... yes - Used to go to Filipino-majority place - nice folks

HA forum members - in L.A.? Message me if you're around!

Yes and Latin dance class as well - good for Philippines... at least here the all love to dance

OH - Ron Paul campaign - and no stodgy types present - there you go

Thanks for the brainfood
"Pick a point and go to it."
-- Dr John Hunsucker, speaking about canoeing on Georgia's Lake Lanier, with its irregular shape, and 1000 miles of meandering shoreline
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Postby Billy » Thu Apr 12, 2012 8:22 am

jester, streetball skills would be also good for the PI ;-)

little bit of golfing or tennis is good too. there you can join the elite ;-)

there also must be some intellectual clubs like discussion and philosophical clubs ;-)
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Postby Jester » Fri Apr 13, 2012 1:03 am

Join the elite at the country club - sounds good

Found a gym to join in Cebu plus housing right next to Country Club

Dreams for now - must get ready
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-- Dr John Hunsucker, speaking about canoeing on Georgia's Lake Lanier, with its irregular shape, and 1000 miles of meandering shoreline
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Postby Someone » Fri Apr 13, 2012 1:26 am

dusk99 wrote:Sometimes I just feel so pissed off and angry at this society. I mean I'm only 21 and decent to good looking, I can hold a conversation and be funny, yet I have to put in ALL the effort if I want social experiences in a place where I hardly know anyone. If I stopped trying I would live a life of complete isolation, since no one every approaches me and tries to be my friend, I have to do it myself. And then when people don't reciprocate I feel more frustrated.

Everyone on my college campus is part of some small clique, the same people they've been hanging out with for years and years.


Welcome to America. Unfortunately, that's the way it is around here. People are very cliquish but also, I think, a little isolated from the rest of the world. If you're a foreigner who comes from overseas, the United States has a far different culture than the rest of the world in terms of sports, entertainment, interpersonal communication, laws, etc.

English-speaking countries tend to have a reserved, guarded population. They also tend to be diverse and multiethnic, which decreases trust between people because the people are very different from each other racially or culturally and can't relate to each other. The whole gun culture in America also makes people further isolated and paranoid. A religious, Puritan streak runs through the whole country and creates conflicts despite the fact that America is usually perceived as a "free" and liberal place. In sexual matters, it's not as free as you might think.

You also need to keep in mind that several types of people are not received well in America. People who are introverted, intelligent and interesting, but perhaps not model-looking, have a difficult time here. Looks and, particularly, an outgoing personality, matter a lot more here than anything else. In other countries, I know it's the opposite. In Germany, for example, people aren't outgoing and don't have "bright" personalities, but they value intelligence, talent, or other things.

I would sum it up like this: life in the US is one big soap opera. If you're looking for genuine, real things and people, they're very hard to get here.
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