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Hard to make friends in America?

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Postby skateboardstephen » April 13th, 2012, 7:00 am

Someone wrote:
dusk99 wrote:Sometimes I just feel so pissed off and angry at this society. I mean I'm only 21 and decent to good looking, I can hold a conversation and be funny, yet I have to put in ALL the effort if I want social experiences in a place where I hardly know anyone. If I stopped trying I would live a life of complete isolation, since no one every approaches me and tries to be my friend, I have to do it myself. And then when people don't reciprocate I feel more frustrated.

Everyone on my college campus is part of some small clique, the same people they've been hanging out with for years and years.


Welcome to America. Unfortunately, that's the way it is around here. People are very cliquish but also, I think, a little isolated from the rest of the world. If you're a foreigner who comes from overseas, the United States has a far different culture than the rest of the world in terms of sports, entertainment, interpersonal communication, laws, etc.

English-speaking countries tend to have a reserved, guarded population. They also tend to be diverse and multiethnic, which decreases trust between people because the people are very different from each other racially or culturally and can't relate to each other. The whole gun culture in America also makes people further isolated and paranoid. A religious, Puritan streak runs through the whole country and creates conflicts despite the fact that America is usually perceived as a "free" and liberal place. In sexual matters, it's not as free as you might think.

You also need to keep in mind that several types of people are not received well in America. People who are introverted, intelligent and interesting, but perhaps not model-looking, have a difficult time here. Looks and, particularly, an outgoing personality, matter a lot more here than anything else. In other countries, I know it's the opposite. In Germany, for example, people aren't outgoing and don't have "bright" personalities, but they value intelligence, talent, or other things.

I would sum it up like this: life in the US is one big soap opera. If you're looking for genuine, real things and people, they're very hard to get here.


The part that pisses me off the most is how Americans try to make introverts feel as if something is wrong with them for being who they are.Some people just need more time to themselves this does not mean they are not social they just don't socialize as much and thrive on time spent to themselves studying ,painting ,building things ex language learning ex. it what they find fun and it would be unhealthy and counter productive for them to force them selves to be extroverted.

Think about people you know who are really good at things like ........doctors,musicians,polyglots,scientist,poets,philosophers,mathematicians they tend to be introverted people and it is perfectly fine and we need people like this. Society would fail over night for sure if every one were extroverted smashing beer cans over they're heads every night.But Americans want to make people who are like this feel as though something is wrong with them but at the same time they are clicky as hell.
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Postby jamesbond » April 13th, 2012, 7:58 am

Someone wrote:Welcome to America. Unfortunately, that's the way it is around here. People are very cliquish but also, I think, a little isolated from the rest of the world. If you're a foreigner who comes from overseas, the United States has a far different culture than the rest of the world in terms of sports, entertainment, interpersonal communication, laws, etc.

English-speaking countries tend to have a reserved, guarded population. They also tend to be diverse and multiethnic, which decreases trust between people because the people are very different from each other racially or culturally and can't relate to each other. The whole gun culture in America also makes people further isolated and paranoid. A religious, Puritan streak runs through the whole country and creates conflicts despite the fact that America is usually perceived as a "free" and liberal place. In sexual matters, it's not as free as you might think.

You also need to keep in mind that several types of people are not received well in America. People who are introverted, intelligent and interesting, but perhaps not model-looking, have a difficult time here. Looks and, particularly, an outgoing personality, matter a lot more here than anything else. In other countries, I know it's the opposite. In Germany, for example, people aren't outgoing and don't have "bright" personalities, but they value intelligence, talent, or other things.

I would sum it up like this: life in the US is one big soap opera. If you're looking for genuine, real things and people, they're very hard to get here.

In the USA, people tend to reserved and guarded ESPECIALLY THE WOMEN. Women in the US, don't like meeting guys unless they are able to meet them through their friends. This explains why "cold approaching" doesn't work in America BUT cold approaching does work in countries where the women are more open to meeting men (countries like the Philippinies, Russia, eastern European, Germany, Brazil and Mexico).

In the US people want to be entertained. So, if you have an outgoing entertaining personality, you will be seen as having an attractive personality. If your quiet and unassuming people will not notice you. Heck, even if your outgoing and entertaining, people still may ignore you if your not good looking.

The people in Germany are reserved but they value substance over flash. It seems like it's just the opposite in the US, where people value flash over substance.
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Re: Hard to make friends in America?

Postby OzGuy » April 15th, 2012, 4:08 am

dusk99 wrote:I'll begin by saying I'm originally from a small European country, but I speak fluent English with an American accent. I have to say it seems very hard to make friends in America, and believe me I've tried. Don't get me wrong, I've made a lot of "acquaintances" here, people I talk to and sometimes joke around with, but nobody really puts forth any effort maintaining a friendship. People are very nice in the beginning, but then disappear and we don't speak again until we randomly come across each other again. People are reluctant to contact someone and ask them to do something unless they've known them for years and years, even though I have invited people to do things they never put in any effort in doing the same. It just seems like people aren't interested in creating friendships stronger than a superficial acquaintanceship.


Yep, its like this in Australia too. Being nice is only superficial and not genuine, and it rarely develops into a friendship. The difference with friendship in European countries like Germany is that although it may be harder to initially make friends, once you do you are good friends for life. Many Germans have told me this.

This is why most Germans don't like it when a stranger says to them "how are you?" as a greeting. They only say this to their close friends. Seriously, do you want to tell a complete stranger how you're really feeling? Nope, that's why everyone just says "good thanks, how are you?", even when they're not. The Germans think this is a waste of time, and I agree with them.

Having lived in Australia all my life, I only have 1 friend I have known all my life. All the others have been pretty short friendships. I can't wait to move to Europe and actually have friends that WANT to keep in touch and do stuff together etc. In Australia no-one seems to make the time anymore.
Last edited by OzGuy on April 15th, 2012, 4:22 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby OzGuy » April 15th, 2012, 4:21 am

Someone wrote:You also need to keep in mind that several types of people are not received well in America. People who are introverted, intelligent and interesting, but perhaps not model-looking, have a difficult time here. Looks and, particularly, an outgoing personality, matter a lot more here than anything else. In other countries, I know it's the opposite. In Germany, for example, people aren't outgoing and don't have "bright" personalities, but they value intelligence, talent, or other things.

I would sum it up like this: life in the US is one big soap opera. If you're looking for genuine, real things and people, they're very hard to get here.


Exactly. In all Anglo countries extroversion is rewarded, while introverts are seen as "snobby" or "rude". In German speaking countries (and also Japan), people are much more introverted, and they actually find loud extroverts annoying. It is said to be that approximately 75% of people in Anglo countries are extroverts. If you are one of the 25% who are introverted (like myself), then you're going to feel very lonely and isolated. At times I have even felt like there is something wrong with me, because I just don't fit into this extroverted culture.

I am hoping that moving over to Switzerland will change that. Hopefully it will be a place where I can finally feel like I belong. Somewhere where introversion is seen as a positive rather than a negative. Somewhere you can have an intelligent conversation with someone that goes beyond the topics of sports or shopping.
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Postby E_Irizarry » April 15th, 2012, 7:15 pm

skateboardstephen wrote:
Someone wrote:
dusk99 wrote:Sometimes I just feel so pissed off and angry at this society. I mean I'm only 21 and decent to good looking, I can hold a conversation and be funny, yet I have to put in ALL the effort if I want social experiences in a place where I hardly know anyone. If I stopped trying I would live a life of complete isolation, since no one every approaches me and tries to be my friend, I have to do it myself. And then when people don't reciprocate I feel more frustrated.

Everyone on my college campus is part of some small clique, the same people they've been hanging out with for years and years.


Welcome to America. Unfortunately, that's the way it is around here. People are very cliquish but also, I think, a little isolated from the rest of the world. If you're a foreigner who comes from overseas, the United States has a far different culture than the rest of the world in terms of sports, entertainment, interpersonal communication, laws, etc.

English-speaking countries tend to have a reserved, guarded population. They also tend to be diverse and multiethnic, which decreases trust between people because the people are very different from each other racially or culturally and can't relate to each other. The whole gun culture in America also makes people further isolated and paranoid. A religious, Puritan streak runs through the whole country and creates conflicts despite the fact that America is usually perceived as a "free" and liberal place. In sexual matters, it's not as free as you might think.

You also need to keep in mind that several types of people are not received well in America. People who are introverted, intelligent and interesting, but perhaps not model-looking, have a difficult time here. Looks and, particularly, an outgoing personality, matter a lot more here than anything else. In other countries, I know it's the opposite. In Germany, for example, people aren't outgoing and don't have "bright" personalities, but they value intelligence, talent, or other things.

I would sum it up like this: life in the US is one big soap opera. If you're looking for genuine, real things and people, they're very hard to get here.


The part that pisses me off the most is how Americans try to make introverts feel as if something is wrong with them for being who they are.Some people just need more time to themselves this does not mean they are not social they just don't socialize as much and thrive on time spent to themselves studying ,painting ,building things ex language learning ex. it what they find fun and it would be unhealthy and counter productive for them to force them selves to be extroverted.

Think about people you know who are really good at things like ........doctors,musicians,polyglots,scientist,poets,philosophers,mathematicians they tend to be introverted people and it is perfectly fine and we need people like this. Society would fail over night for sure if every one were extroverted smashing beer cans over they're heads every night.But Americans want to make people who are like this feel as though something is wrong with them but at the same time they are clicky as hell.

I agree wholeheartedly +1.
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Postby ladislav » April 15th, 2012, 11:51 pm

It is hard to make friends if you are male, correct. The reason is homophobia. If you invite a male person to hang out they immediately think you are gay trying to make a pass. If you invite a female to hang out, they think you are a horny creep making a pass. So there you go.
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Postby Jester » April 17th, 2012, 7:52 am

Someone wrote:
Welcome to America. Unfortunately, that's the way it is around here. People are very cliquish but also, I think, a little isolated from the rest of the world. If you're a foreigner who comes from overseas, the United States has a far different culture than the rest of the world in terms of sports, entertainment, interpersonal communication, laws, etc.

English-speaking countries tend to have a reserved, guarded population. They also tend to be diverse and multiethnic, which decreases trust between people because the people are very different from each other racially or culturally and can't relate to each other. The whole gun culture in America also makes people further isolated and paranoid. A religious, Puritan streak runs through the whole country and creates conflicts despite the fact that America is usually perceived as a "free" and liberal place. In sexual matters, it's not as free as you might think.

You also need to keep in mind that several types of people are not received well in America. People who are introverted, intelligent and interesting, but perhaps not model-looking, have a difficult time here. Looks and, particularly, an outgoing personality, matter a lot more here than anything else. In other countries, I know it's the opposite. In Germany, for example, people aren't outgoing and don't have "bright" personalities, but they value intelligence, talent, or other things.

I would sum it up like this: life in the US is one big soap opera. If you're looking for genuine, real things and people, they're very hard to get here.


Your description made me see the society as one big reality show, like in the movie, "The Truman Show".
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Postby polya » May 2nd, 2012, 9:14 am

dusk99 wrote:Sometimes I just feel so pissed off and angry at this society. I mean I'm only 21 and decent to good looking, I can hold a conversation and be funny, yet I have to put in ALL the effort if I want social experiences in a place where I hardly know anyone. If I stopped trying I would live a life of complete isolation, since no one every approaches me and tries to be my friend, I have to do it myself. And then when people don't reciprocate I feel more frustrated.

Everyone on my college campus is part of some small clique, the same people they've been hanging out with for years and years.


I agree! You get ONE SHOT at making life-long friends AT HIGH SCHOOL. If you move around, don't have family (e.g. brothers), or have something "wrong" with you e.g. You're autistic then you might-as-well jump off a bridge as you won't make friends who will hang around after they've finished using you. No-one wants to be friends unless you're an extremely high-status guy (but most girls can just go out into the street and "pick" her friends).
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Postby ExpeditionSailor » May 2nd, 2012, 12:38 pm

For what it's worth, things are the same in Canada. Canadians are superficially friendly, but like people in a lot of British-pattern countries, very reserved. Probably more so than Americans.

What a sick and dysfunctional society we live in - so messed up that people can't even make friends any more.

I too have tried to make friends with men, but the fear of being perceived as gay always rears its head.

It never used to be like this.
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Postby jamesbond » May 2nd, 2012, 1:47 pm

polya wrote:I agree! You get ONE SHOT at making life-long friends AT HIGH SCHOOL. If you move around, don't have family (e.g. brothers), or have something "wrong" with you e.g. You're autistic then you might-as-well jump off a bridge as you won't make friends who will hang around after they've finished using you. No-one wants to be friends unless you're an extremely high-status guy (but most girls can just go out into the street and "pick" her friends).


I agree, in anglo-countries you make your friends early in life (grade school, high school, college). Once you are out of school, you are shit-out-of-luck as far as having opportunities to make friends goes.

For some reason, once people are out of school, they have no interest in making friends with people anymore. The anglo-countries certainly are f***ed up socially. :shock:
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Postby Winston » April 2nd, 2014, 9:23 pm

Check out this great comment in our Facebook group.

The problem is that American society relates everything to something sexual. For example, if you hug someone elses kid because you consider there kid like your son or nephew, they will think you are a PEDOPHILE. If you invite other guys to your house as STRAIGHT GUY, sick-minded dumbfuck dudes will think you're some closet-FAGGOT that wants to rape them in the ass. Same with women, they think the only reason you're inviting them to your house it too f**k them. Unless you dress like f***ing fruitcake metrosexual sissy boy it's hard to make American women comfortable in talking to you, because very manly looking straight guy wants to get in there pants, is what they assumed.


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