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My father is of blonde European ancestry, so I sometimes wonder if I look adopted when I'm out without my mom. However, beneath surface appearances, our demeanor and life philosophy are very similar. In fact, one of the reasons I'm on these forums is because of his advice to me not to marry someone like my mother. He even said that if he weren't so traditional he'd just wind up another American divorce statistic. My sister's a self described hardcore feminist, so I have a front row seat to these ideas.
The reason for this topic though, is that I have noticed a stark difference between my father and I. I've never been able to make close friends and nor has my father, but for some reason he seems adverse to eye contact. Even when he's sitting across from someone, even if it's someone he knows rather well, he has trouble looking them in the eye. He also hates shaking people's hands. I have neither of these issues. Maybe it's just the social climate, maybe it's me taking after him, maybe it's both, but I just have trouble connecting with people. Once I do start to become friends with someone, I can tend to over compensate and they'll back off, keep their distance. So I've had trouble maintaining friendships too. On reflection, there have been some instances where I was to blame for being too distant myself and other times where I feel like the other person's putting up a wall. Maybe it'll be easier to make connections if I go abroad. I'm already better than my father in some respects, but I still struggle and am worried I'll still have social issues overseas because of my own programming. We complain about women in America being vapid robots, but how can I undo my own brainwashing?
Another note, I have seen my father flirt with a girl in her late 20's early 30's. She was a bank teller and he's a lawyer with a nice suit and hot car depositing a lot of money, so that may play a role.
Great quote from Falcon, thanks bro:
I think my father has come to realize something's wrong, but he's too old and traditional to do something about it. So he wants better for me instead.
I don't have the definitive answer here, however, if you're dealing with core issues then a shortcut solution won't suffice.
What you can do, to help in getting yourself get ready to deal with them, on a type of long term basis, is to look into hypnosis (or self-hypnosis) on the short run. I recommend this over meditation or Qigong/Tai Chi type of programs.
A way of getting the ball rolling on that is to look for a program, or make an mp3 on your own ( since written text to natural voice mp3 converters are on the net), to generate or develop your core center of bliss & joy. And the reason why this is important is that ultimately, one cannot rely upon family or friends for your inner development. In my situation, my dad was a psychotic anti-communist. In no way, shape, or form, could I discuss anything with him, without him flipping into hysterics. My sister was the histrionic, femi-nazi, and my mother, an undiagnosed depressed personality. Likewise, friends have a tendency to become jealous and not want to see one another, advance beyond one's current level of psychological development. That bit in 'Good Will Hunting', where Ben Affleck told Matt Damon to leave Southie (South Boston lifestyle) and find a better way for himself was an exceptional friend (if not a close brother or uncle). Well, that's a movie, not real life. In real life, Southie types are jealous of intellectuals and treat 'em like X,Y, or Z , even if they'd spent time in a batting cage with 'em in the past.
Once you establish a type of core harmony, a lot of the other stuff can start to take place. And then again, it's a process, not a destination.
this is exactly it. social skills are easy, but self consciousness will drag you down. you are operating out of ego, and this part of you fears the opinions of others as they are its building blocks. you need to end the personal narrative in your head. all thoughts must be observed and let go of. to do this, make sure at all times to keep your main focus on your nasal breath. when you are moving physically, draw your attention to the part of your body in motion. try to sit still and meditate with your eyes closed as much as you can. discern the motivation for any thoughts which creep in and also every action you take, not by thinking, but with an instantaneous understanding. this is a skill which requires much practice. the process will be very difficult at first, but the results are more than worthwhile. once you get into the fully awakened state, none of it will be nessisary to do, beause it will be automatic. only then should you divulge in any kind of personal expression, otherwise confusion and stress will be enevitable. youll just have to revert back to the process if you feel your ego may be creeping back in. the awakened state is one of supreme hapiness where there is a total lack of self consciousnes.
The fact that you realize you are "programmed" puts you one step ahead of most. Even here on HA where most of the men are more knowledgeable than the average guy on these issues, most posters still betray the fact that they have drunk the koolaid. They have all kinds of excuses for not traveling or moving abroad, why the women aren't any good, etc. Most of the reasons involve said "programming".
If you are not ready to move abroad, just traveling abroad will start to unravel that programming. It'll take time but it will happen.
As far as your dad flirting with younger women - well you have already indicated that he is not too happy with your mom. Believe me if he is a lawyer in a nice suit and the trappings of success he can flirt (and far more) with plenty of younger women. I'm not saying he does, but he can. Don't buy into the "programming" often espoused here; the cash is nice but it's far more than just that. You will also discover that reality if you do much traveling abroad.
the benefits to moving abroad are minimal for the majority of the members here. abcdavid is an exception because he has stated his intent is to raise a family in as healthy a culture as possible. the majority just want to chase women and "party". what a sorrow life they aspire to.
the truth is here and now. once you realize it, you will look at the idea of spending your life seeking women and other vaguely defined forms of excitement as a rich man would look at the idea of searching through dumpsters for scraps of food to eat or bins for plastic bottles to sell for pennies. it will also almost be like a student stressed about completing some homework in time who then learns that the assignment has been cancelled, but instead be exactly like living that instant moment when he comprehends and realizes it has been cancelled on a perpetual basis. total and infinite liberation and freedom.
what the people aspiring to the formerly stated lifestyle of seeking pleasure crutially need to do, is to go out into an open space, the top of a hill would be perfect. then you need to look out far into the distance and contemplate this: what is the evidence for the assumed seperation between the awareness present of the feeling of my body and my thoughts as "me", and the awareness present of the seeing of everything which is in front of and around "me" as "not me"? hopefully with a bit of luck you will realize the ultimate truth: there is no evidence whatsoever for this. at that point, the idea for aspiring to anything out of self motivation will seem insane. you already are everything there is, so what is there to gain? seeking to gain something, be it material or immaterial, is evidence of operating within the matrix and being at the mercy of the mind in servitude to cultural programming.
Last edited by lavezzi on December 5th, 2012, 7:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I take it you still live with your parents?
If yes, I suggest try making it out on your own. The urgency of survival will reveal programming you've never seen before.
"So never refuse an invitation, never resist the unfamiliar, never fail to be polite and never outstay the welcome. Just keep your mind open and suck in the experience. And if it hurts, you know what? It's probably worth it."
Like to read?Third World Hero
Like to see?3WorldHero -- Did he really just do that?
Thanks for the tips all.
This might be deserving of its own topic, but my dad's favorite artist is Paul Gauguin. For those who don't know, he was basically the original Winston Wu. He was a French painter who suffered bad depression, hated France, tried to commit suicide. So in about 1895 or so when he was middle aged he just left his life and family in France and moved to Tahiti. Slept with a lot of the natives and made paintings of them too. Here's a selection:
My mom kinda looks like that, but not as dark skinned. They married right before the Feminist movement and before he went away as part of the Navy. So I think my dad was foolishly thinking he'd be marrying the kind of women in those paintings, but instead he got an American woman with all the problems we talk about here. Honestly, if I were in his position, I'd just retire and move to the Philippines and find a nice young girl to shack up with.
A very interesting comparison here. Paul Gauguin actually did pull an "ante-litteram Winston", by leaving his wife and pursuing an exotic trip to Tahiti. What he found there was a pretty westernised culture, very, very far from the peaks of exotic sensuality many of his portraits depict. Surely girls wouldn't go around the streets or sit back in gardens in their birthday suits like that, as virtually all of the native population had been successful converted to Catholicism.
What happened to Gauguin is that, after setting out to discover a world of primitive eroticism and after being disappointed to see it was all pretty much in his fantasies, he had two choices. One was to go back to France and tell the truth, that "Tahiti sucked". That's what Winston did, and most people here credit him a lot for at least being honest in following his life flow in his reports.
Gauguin made a second choice: that of continuing to living in Tahiti and selling an exotic/erotic dream that was only in his mind, in the hope that people back in France would have an interest and purchase his paintings. A close friend of his even wrote him in a letter that he would have been better off selling the Tahiti dream rather than come back empty handed and having to tell everybody that everything was a big fat lie.
Towards the end of his life, perhaps frustrated beyond limit, perhaps following a latent inclination, he did turn to young girl as some biographers wrote. He was even arrested in Tahiti for having impalmed one such girl without her family's consent.
Back to the topic, yes it's true that Gauguin was successful in creating in selling the Tahiti magic, albeit at the price of his very own mental sanity.