Foreign Wife, American Family

[fightforlove]

I have a question for those of you who found (or are searching for) wives/girlfriends abroad and then came back to the USA. When you were in the process of meeting/dating her and traveling abroad, how did you articulate this choice to family members/friends? Did you get opposition from family??

I've met a woman in Mexico, going down to visit her again and then she's scheduled a short visit to see me in Chicago next month. I'm still in the getting-to-know-her process with short visits, then thinking of some way that I could spend more time in her country and/or bring her here to the US so we can date for a while. My family are pretty mainstream American when it comes to their views of dating/marriage/etc. and were shocked and not so happy when I told them about this. They think it's too extreme and unrealistic given the distance and laws/immigration/fees to eventually bring a foreign woman into the United States. My Mom is especially highly conformist and a bit racist, Mexican-phobic. I am trying to think of ways to warm them up to the idea, and get them to at least consider it and meet the girl when she comes, and not scare her away, haha.

I don't want to create a war with my parents and go in direct contrast to them; I know there has to be a better way. It's difficult to go forth with the challenging process of a foreign relationship especially knowing I don't have the support of family and close friends.

Did you encounter family objections? How did you handle this? How did you introduce your woman to your family/community in the States? How has your girl adapted to living with you in the US? Has she made friends, settled in, enjoyed being with you in the US? The girl I am pursuing is middle-class, college-educated, urban Mexican, actually lived in Texas for a while. I can tell she's a bit xenophobic nonetheless, I think she only hanged out with Mexicans when she was in TX. I have concerns about how you can take a woman out of her culture/community and plop her into yours. Do the cultural differences cause a lot of friction? I am just really curious as I am pursuing this, how have other men who did this been able to gain support and acceptance from your family/community, and integrate a foreign wife into your community??

[fschmidt]

Being jewish, my mother wanted me to marry a nice jewish girl. Too bad for her, my wife is a Mexican catholic. How did I deal with this? I didn't care. I didn't argue with my family, I just ignored them and did what was right. They gradually accepted it.

Do you really want your Mexican wife to assimilate into American culture, the world's worst culture? I certainly didn't and I encouraged my wife to have Mexican friends or friends from any country except America. Americans are the worst people in the world, why would anyone want to associate with them? I have always tried to live in ethnic neighborhoods; Mexican, Chinese, or whatever.

[GoingAwol]

Interestingly enough my family and friends seem to support my decision to find love overseas. They know I have been lonely and just want me to be happy.

[Ghost]

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[davewe]

My ex-wife wasn't too thrilled

Honestly, I assume you are younger, otherwise you probably wouldn't care about your parents views.

If your mother's a racist you might have to tell her to straighten up. She would want to see her potential grandchildren, right?

[Moretorque]

Being jewish, my mother wanted me to marry a nice jewish girl. Too bad for her, my wife is a Mexican catholic. How did I deal with this? I didn't care. I didn't argue with my family, I just ignored them and did what was right. They gradually accepted it.

Do you really want your Mexican wife to assimilate into American culture, the world's worst culture? I certainly didn't and I encouraged my wife to have Mexican friends or friends from any country except America. Americans are the worst people in the world, why would anyone want to associate with them? I have always tried to live in ethnic neighborhoods; Mexican, Chinese, or whatever.

We all know how everybody loves Jews and with good reason. Since you married an inferior human compared to your blood line coming directly from god doesn't that break your Jewishness ?

[fschmidt]

We all know how everybody loves Jews and with good reason. Since you married an inferior human compared to your blood line coming directly from god doesn't that break your Jewishness ?

According to the Talmudic rabbis, yes, but according to the Old Testament, no. Which do you think I care about? I follow Moses and his 2 wives were an arab and a black.

[MrMan]

We all know how everybody loves Jews and with good reason. Since you married an inferior human compared to your blood line coming directly from god doesn't that break your Jewishness ?

According to the Talmudic rabbis, yes, but according to the Old Testament, no. Which do you think I care about? I follow Moses and his 2 wives were an arab and a black.

If Talmudic Judaism was right, the Jewish bloodline died out in the first generation when the twelve patriarchs married their wives and had children. Counting children of Jewish mothers rather than fathers as Jews is a post-exilic tradition. A friend of mine says there are hints of that in Ezra, but the problem in the Torah is with Hebrews marrying children of seven nations, not all the other nations, unless they were priests, and then they couldn't marry outside of Israel and were restricted to marrying virgins and priest's widows.

[MrMan]

My wife is from Indonesia. I didn't get any backlash from relatives at all. My southern Grandmother was sympathetic to the civil rights movement, but didn't care for the idea of her grandkids marrying a black woman, but I didn't notice her being bothered by my marrying an Asian. I didn't get to send much as much time with her as I would have liked after I married because I lived overseas for most of that time, but we did live near her for a while and went to visit her when we could and spent the night there once.

I was living overseas when I met and married her, and then brought her home. My parents were supportive and said they trusted me to choose a good wife. My mom and my wife talked on the phone and things like that to get to know each other a bit.

My wife is relatively light-skinned. She got dark once when we were dating when she shopped outside, but she's always used sunscreen or stayed out of the sun and stayed light since. She's also pretty, and I think that helps as far as racism is concerned.

But I think there is more racism toward Mexicans and other Hispanics than Asians. In the South, blacks were slaves and were seen as lower class for a long time, and so mixing one's blood with them was seen as contaminating it somehow by a lot of southerners who were racists. Some people say Mexicans are part black. That's true of some, but probably not most. A lot of whites in the southeast are part American Indian, mixed with English, Scottish, or maybe Irish or other western European people's. Mexicans are typically Indians mixed with Spanish or other European groups. The poor laborers who come over are often more native Indian blood people.

But in the southeast, I noticed when I went back to visit, Georgia, for example, has become an extension of Mexico. It was surprising. Some towns have turned 35% Hispanic, especially if there are chicken processing plants. I thought it was cool, though, to be able to go to small towns in Georgia and go to decent Mexican restaurants (that usually served Tex-Mex variety, but with a bit of authentic flare) and to go to the food court at a climate-controlled flee market and buy Mexican food that you can't get at your typical Tex Mex restaurant.

Anyway, I think you'll get more racism for marrying a Mexican or Hispanic, or black of course, than for marrying some other races if you are white in the US. If you marry an Asian, especially if she's hot, I don't think white guys typically respond negatively in the US.

I've got two siblings who married ethnic Puerta Ricans. One has a southern accent and he doesn't speak Spanish. The other doesn't have accent, but speaks Spanish. My dad's line as far as the family name is concerned has one 'white' kid made up of regular southeast American white stock, and the rest are mixed with Asian or Puerto Rican.

If you are able to get a girl with good values in Mexico who you can actually date and marry and you can't find that in the US, that sounds very reasonable to me. You may face people thinking she wanted a green card. I didn't get that with my wife. Of course, I was living over there and dated a long time, and we didn't pursue a green card for a couple of years after living there a long time, anyway. I didn't hear one comment about her wanting a green card, and her being a stay-at-home mom wouldn't have given them much fuel for such an accusation if there were one.

[pete98146]

I don't think my family really understood my rationale to look for a foreign bride but they were too polite to say anything negative. My friends were equally as dismayed but they trusted my judgment.

All concerns were quickly put to the curb once they met Cathy. I've probably said this before but when my dad calls to chat on the phone, I get 5 minutes of small talk and then he'll talk to Cathy for 40 minutes LOL.

It all boils down to this. Is your wife an asset or a liability to your family? If you chose well, you'll have zero problems.

[Moretorque]

We all know how everybody loves Jews and with good reason. Since you married an inferior human compared to your blood line coming directly from god doesn't that break your Jewishness ?

According to the Talmudic rabbis, yes, but according to the Old Testament, no. Which do you think I care about? I follow Moses and his 2 wives were an arab and a black.

Where did tracing the lineage through the female come from ? One religious professor told me it goes way way back to at least like Jesus's time

[pandabear]

According to the Talmudic rabbis, yes, but according to the Old Testament, no. Which do you think I care about? I follow Moses and his 2 wives were an arab and a black.

The first was a Midianite, not an Arab.

Still, I think that I would go with Solomon's approach, and have a collection of wives and concubines, from all over the place.

[fschmidt]

The first was a Midianite, not an Arab.

What's the difference?

Still, I think that I would go with Solomon's approach, and have a collection of wives and concubines, from all over the place.

That violates Deuteronomy 17:17.

[Lorenzo]

Before meeting my now Korean fiance, I was in a serious relationship with a girl in Indonesia. She was muslim, my family is fundamental baptist. I had a big argument on Mothers day with my Dad over it when I visited my parents. It was a religious issue for them. I later had a very vivid dream that I brought her here and she was not accepted by my family and friends. That is when I decided to look locally and break off with her (there were other issues with her). I intended to go back to Asia and keep looking.

Anyway, I was greatly stigmatized by those who knew me for trying to find a young girl in a poor country, no one agreed with my logic and bashing of the bossy American woman. Some perceived me as a mongerer which i was not. If I were to do it over, I would not have told anyone about meeting ladies in the foreign countries visited. Rather, it would have been better to move or take a long visit to the Asian country of interest then later announce I had a girlfriend in the country...it sounds more natural and is then suddenly very acceptable to the populous. Anyway, if you are looking for marriage, it is better to live or stay in their country if you can tolerate it, less risky on the relationship and you don't have to deal with the stigma in the USA. You can then move to your home country if you wish after the marriage settles in.

[fightforlove]

The girl is coming to visit me next month. I've asked my parents, my Dad specifically, to meet with her.

I've met her in Mexico 2 times and she badly wants to be my girlfriend. However, she is very traditional Christian and is balking at getting more serious with me until she meets my parents. She says she doesn't want to be hated by my family. My dad has already shown more openness and approval to the situation since I first told them about her 2 months ago. He secured time off from work to make sure he can meet with her when she arrives. My mom OTOH has remained radio-silent and only drops hints here and there about me needing to look for more local women. I know she's not happy about it and is kinda racist/xenophobic and has an abrasive/opinionated/extroverted personality. Maybe she's tapping out now, or taking a back seat in awe that I am doing something like this. Fschmidt and others, how did you handle disapproving mothers???

My goal is to at least get my dad to meet with her, I'm confident he'll be friendly and at least show acceptance. If my mom meets her as well, I'm going to be assertive, control the conversation and minimize her words and stick to topics that bring out the loving, compassionate side of her, so she doesn't go off the rails and dominate the convo (like she often does) and says something bigoted.

I've been clarifying to the girl that I am a grown man, than I look to my father for advice and that he's told me that he's happy I've met someone and has told me that the decision is ultimately up to me. I've told her that I want to meet with her Dad as well (I've only met her mom). Traditional Christianity states that it's really the fathers' call (particularly the father of the woman) to decide whom their children marry. Mothers are not to give instruction to men, not even their own son. I have to somehow get that across to this girl in case my mom is indeed tapping-out for now or is a little indifferent, says bigoted stuff about Mexicans, etc when she meets her. Like I said, I'm going to stand firm and try to mitigate that stuff anyways if she meets with her. I'm planning out assertive/tactful responses to steer the interaction in a better direction.

Any other pointers of advice when introducing a foreign woman to your family??