How am I sick? I'm sick with how my life is while I see other people getting what they want. There is no help that will magically change my life. No one can help me or wants to help me. A f***ing pill definitely won't help me. Have a magical wand you can wave that performs miracles? You wouldn't be here if you did. Do tell me how you can help me? I'm getting all the help I currently can so it did take me off the metaphorical ledge (at least for now) but I am messed up and that's not going to stop. There's only so much someone can take before their break and even if I'm not going to kill myself in the next few months or so, it doesn't mean I'm not messed up and wouldn't do something most people wouldn't want to do.Adama wrote:Nope. He's sick. He doesn't want help.gnosis wrote:You're really not thinking ahead. Okay, let's say you break the law and earn some money. It will run out sooner or later, and then what will you do to pay you and your wife's living expenses? Probably the same criminal activities. Eventually, you will get caught and go to prison. You are in your twenties. Getting a felony charge now will ruin your life.Tsar wrote:I also have a "fail-safe" plan that wouldn't be very good but should allow me to pocket $100,000 then hit the "Reset Button." Imploding my credit score, preventing me from buying a home in America (who cares, if I get a Russian girl I'd be getting a $20,000 flat in Russia), prevent from getting most jobs for 7 years (in America), etc. But at least I'd have $100,000 and it looks like that would be more money I'd earn in the next five years (considering taxes and inflation).
There is a good reason most smart people without special connections do not get involved in crime. Taking dangerous risks for a (very) short-term pay off isn't ballsy, it's stupid. I understand you are unhappy with your situation in life, but no matter how bad it feels now, it can get even worse. Hopefully, you are just blowing smoke out of your a** and not really going to do any of the things you are talking about.
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You're still going to destroy yourself. It just take longer this way. Don't choose evil. By choosing evil, you are choosing death. Choose the good, which is choosing life.
I choose death and this time I'm done. I had a panic attack and had to leave work, and am taking tomorrow off to recover, drop off applications for less stressful boring as f**k jobs, and need to take a phonecall and in-between I'll be buying the vodka and sleeping pills. I already have the wine and a bottle of codeine. Then I'm walking to a cemetery four miles from my house, making phone calls to various family members and relatives, and will leave a suicide note in the mail box. I already have the codeine and the wine.
My dad wants to redo my room and get a new bathroom, and constantly complains about wanting to retire. Well I'll give him what he wants and prove I'm not a coward, not afraid, and prove I'm powerful. I'm f***ing ending it this time. I don't care about not having things in order or any consequences anymore. My dad said maybe I should just try to go back on welfare. f***ing stupid bastard.
What pushed me off the edge today? My dad did and to a lesser extent the boring f**k job repeating the same 20 keys 200 f***ing times a day for most of the workday because the person they had doing it switched departments and the people who suppose to do it as part of their work duties apparently don't need to do it when one person can be assigned to do it for them--the f***ing temp. Although the panic attack obviously didn't help.
By this time tomorrow I'll either be dead or in the emergency room. A bittersweet ending to an unfulfilled and empty life. I hope he'll be happy with himself, although I know most of my relatives will be devastated by it. At least they wouldn't have seen it coming because as far as everyone knew I was doing better and I was, but it was fragile and I was doing better but not completely. As I said, anything significant could push me over the edge with my state of mind.
I hope it's like the matrix or I go a place like Elysium in Greek mythology for the heroes and great people.
Abcdavid and Starchild were the best people I've gotten to know from HappierAbroad and I want to thank Starchild for his help. The Tulsi was a great recommendation and it has been helping my mood, stress, and general happiness.
But some things in life are just too strong to resist. I already broke a month ago and today was the last straw.
Jester and Marcos were also some of the nicer members. Cornfed was nice.
I didn't always get along with S_Parc or HouseMD but they were also decent members. I know a lot of my posts weren't too popular when I was an active member of the forum.
This is goodbye. Don't bother replying because Ghost will think I'm just looking for drama or attention whoring.
Just watch the Rhode Island, USA news and see if you see any suicides in the obituary or the news. I was born in January of 1990. I'm not going to give my day of birth but you have enough details: single man, Rhode Island, born in January, born in 1990, and an Aquarius zodiac. They probably don't say if it was a suicide so just watch the obituaries for someone with those details.
I thought things would have been different but sometimes destiny just has a series of events that all want a person to end up at an ending no matter how hard the person tries to change their destiny, and the ending is fixed no matter how hard you try to resist. At least I go willingly and on my terms, with my honor. I made peace with dying a virgin the moment everything unraveled and it was like I was a statue of glass that shattered into a million pieces a month ago.
Take a look into my psyche and state of mind. I made this a month ago.
Everyone was right. My plan to make $$$ was a f***ing stupid idea. I was and am probably bipolar for a few weeks with yesterday the last day of the euphoric bipolar depression. There was no way I could have gotten even 10 people to become like Tim Sykes. I was just messed up and not in my right mind. At least tomorrow I show my power and courage.
Bushido to the end. Honor onto Death. I never gave in to temptation despite wanting to but I knew when to give up and throw in the towel. I guess that will be like an epitaph that could be fitting for my gravestone. I was a joke, my life was a joke. At least tomorrow I won't be in pain anymore. I'm crying while I'm writing this but I know I should be happy. I don't know why I'm not happier about what I'm about to do tomorrow when it finally gives everyone want they want.
My dad gets his f***ing retirement and gets to liquidate all my assets, get a new car if they want to take on the auto loan when I'm dead or just turn it in back to the dealer, the forum will be rid of it's manic messed up idiot do nothing loser, society will be free of another young man, destiny gets what it intended for me, I won't live to see my grandma (the only person I care about the most) die which would also send me into a depression because she's the person who always treated me with all the time love since I was born and I call her almost every day since I was born because I like talking to her and she was the only grandparent I had, my dad gets to redo my room completely. I also will allow my body to rot and return to dirt returning myself to nature. My only regret if I do die will be not smashing my hard-drives but on the off-chance the rescue gets there in time to bring me back to life I would want them because they have all my memories, music, and writing for the past ten years (although a lot of my favorite links are things I wouldn't anyone to see if I did die). But who the f**k cares, I'd be dead and who the f**k cares what they find. I'd be dead so no real consequence. Some people aren't meant for this world and I'm one of them.
At least no one has my real name or anything. I'm blind-siding them all up until the last minute when I call my mom to say a type of goodbye and let her know it wasn't her who pushed me to what I'm about to do. She'll know what I will be doing. I think everyone I call will know on some level that I'm making my grand suicide attempt with a high probability of exiting. No one will save me and everyone gets what they want. It's debatable whether I get what I want, because I want death but for the past ten years all I wanted was a girl, and for the last few I needed my own place and such. Well, at least death is a consolation prize and if I get sent to an Elysium like afterlife maybe I get my happiness. I just hope death is more than becoming nothingness or reincarnation. I know everyone called me entitled or greedy, but I have a strong feeling I will be doing to the positive afterlife instead of the negative.
I'm more than messed up or sick. I'm completely f***ed-up-beyond-repair broken. Thank you for calling me sick but that was being too gentle and understating it. Even I probably understated it when I said I was just messed up in yesterday's posts. I'm going to bed early tonight.
The only thing that will save me this time is if the place I drop off the paper application to hires me for either part-time or full-time retail work. I don't care if it's a lower salary. It would give me more happiness than the f***ing work I'm doing now. Otherwise, here it comes, by 5:00pm tomorrow the police and an ambulance will be rushing to my neighborhood. I forgot at this time of year the cemetery closes at 5:00pm so that screws up my suicide in the cemetery plan, but at least I won't have to walk too far. I just walk ten or twelve meters to a shared land everyone uses and do it their. The entire neighborhood gets to enjoy the show, not as good as a Greek Tragedy but at least I get an audience with everyone looking out and maybe asking my parents what happened. I can't believe my mind was so messed up I didn't even remember the cemetery closed at 5:00pm this time of year. I would have walked there only to find the gate locked and then had to have did the suicide attempt in a strip mall parking lot or on the property of protestant church that opened nearby. I'm excited and sad at the same time, but I'm not afraid. I stopped being afraid to die the moment I finally shattered beyond broken inside.
I would strongly advise you to reconsider your actions. Tried killing myself once, all I have to show for it is two messed up kidneys for being such a stupid teenager. Things got better. I never thought they would, but they did. I'm literally ten thousand times the man I was back then, and I was just as f***ed up as you feel right now. So I'm only going to say it once, because that is all I can do, but reconsider. There is much hope for your future if you realize that you have lost everything, so now you're free to do anything. Take that and run with it. But don't throw your life away. I was one of the most socially awkward, sad, lonely people ever a bit over a decade now. And today, I'm well adjusted, on my way to being a doctor, have a loving traditional gf, and have tons of close friends that would be shocked if I told them how I used to be.
Call a suicide help line or an ambulance or something, so that you can live long enough to look back on this and laugh.
This is all I can say:
Are you going to give them that? to point at your failure and even call you "virgin suicide". Do Not give them that pleasure.
Listen man, hang on and later on, when you are balls-deep in some girl, you will think it was well worth it to continue.
Your bipolarity or whatever is in great part due to the crazy-making environment.
It's a recursive problem so to speak, so you have to work extra hard to carry your exodus to a new location, as we state over and over and over in here.
1)Too much of one thing defeats the purpose.
2)Everybody is full of it. What's your hypocrisy?
Call a suicide hotline. Talk to your family. Or go to the hospital. Have someone watch you.
Most people who attempt suicide and survive regret having ever attempted suicide. Your suicide plan may not even work, in which case you might end up with permanent brain damage or damaged kidneys.
For f**k's sake...If you're really ready to kill yourself then just take a TEFL job in Russia. You can at least go to Russia and have sex. You could be in Russia in a couple months having sex. You don't think that's better than death?
You don't want to die a virgin do you? Everyone will think you're a pathetic loser if you die a virgin. Why give them the satisfaction?
I'm not going to comment on this any more.
It just sign up for college, max out your loans, take the money and run to EE or Russia, because why the hell not.
How do you know you won't be in pain a anymore? Most every religious or philosophical tradition I'm familiar with maintains that you move on to the next phase in exactly the mental condition that you leave this one. And if you subscribe to the religion of the tsars, you will be committing a sin. Check out Hamlet on the subject.
This life is full of challenges for everyone, but I honestly believe no one is given more than he can handle. You're not uniquely oppressed. Your job is to meet those challenges as best you can, and move on to another level of understanding.
And you will see things differently with time. I can't improve on all of the advice given above. Go to Russia, and you will be in a society that is trying to rebuild itself around traditional values. However fitfully that process may be moving along, that emphasis is very different from what's happening here, and at the very least will be terribly interesting to observe first hand. Or go to Bangkok and be up to your eyeballs in p***y. That will change your perspective, and you can stop obsessing over it.
Stop setting temporal goals that just give you another reason to get down on yourself -- like making a financial killing or marrying a virgin. Find your way to some sort of comfort zone, ideally a sense of the love of God. One way to get there is to talk to someone who loves you, like your grandmother.
Sometimes life is just a shitstorm, and all you can do is walk through it to the other side. But there is an other side. Always. Get past it.
Feeling better. Notice I asked what type of help he received. He didn't bother to get himself any help. There is no amount of talking or encouragement which is going to help this individual. We all posted many posts in his previous suicide thread, offering all kinds of help. He slapped all our hands away. Even now, he posts a book length post, and you know he wont be back to even read any responses to him. He isn't looking for help. He's already made up his mind. The only one that can help him is him, because he is the one who needs to finally decide to actually go get help. No one can force him. Even lurkers and strangers came out of the woodwork to offer help to him on his last suicide note to this forum. Did he heed ANY advice? No. That's cause he isnt interested in help.
Heaven and hell await. Heaven for those who believe. Hell for unbelievers. There very well may be torment that makes this life seem like a pleasant dream in comparison.
But the kid has a thick head. Might as well yell at a wall.
More proof that no one cares! (Plus he's going to break his grandmother's heart!)
Obviously this is delusional thinking in itself. He doesn't think people want or tried to help. I even offered to phone this guy. Strangers signed up on this forum just to offer him advice. Lurkers came out of the woodwork. Daily posters offered their advice. But despite all that, he says no one wants to help him. He's too wrapped up in being jealous of people who he considers to have more than he does. He should be content with what he has until such a time comes when he is able to acquire the things he wants. Rome wasn't built in a day. Seems like a silly reason to kill your own self, but there it is. People kill themselves for minor problems when every hand was outstretched. Of course this is probably a demonic problem of oppression, but he won't fight for himself.
I stand corrected. He bought the Tulsi. I bet he didnt seek after God, like I recommended. Suicidal thoughts and schizophrenia and bipolarism are spiritual problems called demonic oppression/possession. Look in the Book of Mark. Any time someone's cutting themselves or harming themselves, they had MANY demons inside which Our Lord cast out of them, saving both their earthly lives and their souls from hell. Since Jesus isn't here in the flesh, the only hope you have is to get yourself to a Bible believing (often Baptist but not always) church, have the pastor and the deacons lay hands on you and pray, then get saved. I have a relative who was under demonic oppression. After I took her to church the problem resolved. But there are fools out there, who will tell you never to go to church (but to buy herbs instead), as if church is an evil place. Meanwhile, the man chooses an herb, thinking that will save him from death. No thought is given to God's love here.
Last edited by Adama on May 4th, 2016, 2:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Now this just makes me very angry, because life is not a movie and neither is death. You want to die like a hero and go to Elysium? Dude, that is fantasy! What's wrong with your mind? Wake up! This isn't Disney. That's your problem. You think life is a movie and that you are a super hero. Man, you should volunteer yourself in Africa or some poor down trodden place. Life is not going to be all roses, it is for damn sure not going to be like a DISNEY MOVIE! You need to experience the really terrible side of life so that you can gain some perspective, and wake up to the reality that life is not about 90 minutes of scripted glory. Movies are fiction!
Reincarnation is a lie. There is only heaven and hell. Your choice. The road to hell is broad. The road to heaven is narrow, and few there be that find it.
You are under a massive delusion. Seek God. At the very least you need some intensive cognitive therapy.
I think Church is an evil place - or it can be. Many of our churches have been infiltrated. I don't mean to scare, but I hear more than one report on the spiderweb structure of these Satanists in power over our country - and every country in the world. First, they start federally, the federal then goes to State, within the state they dispense their satanic activities through municipal and city, then down to county. Every county in the US has been affected. That's why the churches suck - and feel evil, many times. This guy's lost, we all are. But he can't see the pain he is in. ... or he's seeing it from a different perspective - a secular perspective.
I wouldn't recommend cognitive therapy at all because all therapy is satanic - it tries to deny the power of God, while making a man - made thing, which denies the power of God exists anyway.
It will just screw you up.
Just read the Bible. Pray, and get your head out of the evil secularism put forth in our culture by the Satanists who wish to destroy us and tear us away from our inner selves. I don't really believe these people are Satanists to the core, I believe they are just using evil of all kinds in a ploy to get what they want in the ends, but I could be wrong. Sort of like they won't stop at any measure. Like I said I think it's very Jewish - they want to tear down everybody and everything - these people are control freaks- and build them back up to worship God, in their way they see Him...But these people may have become so twisted, Lord knows what they are into at this point. Probably all the stuff you've heard is true about them, and then some more. This is at least what I think. Anyway, don't listen to these evil bastards or secularism Tsar. We know secularism is an empty philosophy designed particularly to destroy a society. Even these bastards would not embrace it for themselves - they know it.
I know you've been told lies and pried away from Religion and God, did it make you feel good? No, so -even though they tell you you should, and it's good for you, don't rely on it for support. In your deepest heart you know that all of this is an attack on you.
Jesus never attacks. Don't listen to the attacks. You have to open your heart to believe - and like you I was, and still am, affected by the many lies secular culture has told me about prayer, God, Jesus Christ, etc. It is all demonic spells and curses, it's not antiquated language. Just stop seeing things through secular perspective... a spell is just words. Like you "spell" a word, get it?
Please just ask God to release you from all demonic possession.
Misery and happiness are only states of mind.