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AWESOME FREE CHRISTMAS PRESENTS FOR EVERY AMERICAN!!!
Sometimes the BEST GIFT you can give ANYONE is to STOP giving them something.
So hereâ€™s a list of Awesome, Free Christmas Presents for the WHOLE COUNTRY!!!
Please STOP with the hysterical crying if Santa brought you warm clothes, books or educational toys instead of some $300 â€˜MURDERWORLDâ€™ game or $100 light-up sneakers. Santaâ€™s doing the best with what he has, and there are other kids your age that wonâ€™t even get PORRIDGE on Christmas. Besides, itâ€™s Jesusâ€™ birthday, not yours.
For AUTOMOBILE MANUFACTURERS:
Instead of crying for a government (i.e., TAXPAYER) bail-out, STOP making cars that get NINE freakinâ€™ miles to the gallon. Yeah, the Charger was cool in the 60s. This is 2008. All you really have to do is put â€œThis car will not necessarily get you laid by itselfâ€� next to the sticker price.
Also STOP makingâ€”and â€˜hard-sellingâ€™â€”SUVâ€™s that get even LESS mileage AND flip over 7 times when cornering at the death-defying speed of THIRTY miles per hour!
You can also put PLEASE STEAL ME BECAUSE Iâ€™VE GOT ENOUGH MONEY on the bumper of every â€˜Hummerâ€™.
Making a Breathalyzer STANDARD on every new car could help, too.
Please STOP pretending DIAMONDS are the best present on Earth. If you do, every Diamond you sell must include a photo of a starving African kid with one of his arms chopped off. Cubic Zirconia is almost as pretty and doesnâ€™t promote genocide.
FOR CREDIT CARD ISSUERS:
Please STOP with the wonderful â€˜pointâ€™ programsâ€”that nobody wants to honor--and SCALE BACK your interest rates a bit so a purchase of a bicycle one month doesnâ€™t cost a CAR PAYMENT the next month. Rest assured, the billions will keep rolling in.
Please STOP with the offers of â€œ0% Interest for A DECADE!â€� since your small print always says you can revoke any and all offers with two weekâ€™s written notice. While youâ€™re at it, ditch the small print altogether and put all your information in big block letters! Most of us will probably still use one or more credit cards, regardless.
(While youâ€™re at it, replace the cute photos of eagles and mountains on the front of the card with BIG BLOCK LETTERS reading SLIDE THIS PART THROUGH THE LITTLE MACHINE, THEN PRESS â€œENTERâ€�, So Old Mother Hubbard doesnâ€™t take twenty minutes to figure out how to buy her Geritol.)
Please STOP creating advertisements that make MEN look like idiots. A portion of us will do that on our own; the majority of us donâ€™t appreciate it. Since the Printing Press, The Radio, The Television and The Internet were all invented by men, use some other medium to degrade us.
FOR DOCTORS and PSYCHIATRISTS:
Please STOP shoveling PILLS down Americaâ€™s throats just because the Pharmaceutical Industry gives you a Caribbean Cruise to pimp their latest â€˜wonder drugâ€™. Remember the first year of Medical School when 83% of you believed that natural remedies, diet and exercise actually worked? You were RIGHT. If you now only believe that pills and surgery fix everything, please hang a sign on the office door reading â€œDr. Kilpatient: Brought to you by Big Pharma!â€�
FOR POLICE AND PROSECUTORS:
Please STOP locking up non-violent drug users who have no criminal records. Just scold them thoroughly, take their weed and smoke itâ€”er, dispose of it yourselves.
Please STOP locking up prostitutes since all youâ€™re doing is temporarily making their scenery worse. Give them Community Service instead.
Please STOP with the â€œShe Calls, We Haulâ€� policy enforced by the VAWA for every domestic â€˜disputeâ€™. Rely on actual evidence and witnesses instead of hearsay.
Please STOP busting drivers on the END of every month to make your â€˜bust quotaâ€™ and actually pursue criminals instead.
FOR THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT:
Please STOP ordering our troops into needless, impossible-to-win situations around the world and then saying their families â€œArenâ€™t Supporting The Troopsâ€� when they dare to ask that they come home soon and alive.
FOR ISLAMIC MILITANTS WORLDWIDE:
Please STOP with the terrorism. Take a week off. Make a sand sculpture. Play some volleyball instead of â€˜pin the rock on the adulteressâ€™. Smoke some hashish & then enjoy a wonderful fudge Pop-tart. Try a refreshing alcoholic beverage for once! Remember, the Quran says there shall be no compulsion in religion.
Dear Santa: This is all I want for Christmas. If you canâ€™t make any or all of them happen, I understand completelyâ€¦in which case, all I want is a new battery for a 2001 Dodge Ram pickup.
MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL AROUND From K.K. & http://www.rockherworld.net !
(Forward this if you like, no hard feelings if you don't)
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