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From my consultant's ebook Expatriate Observations, which you can get a copy of at www.happierabroad.com/order.htm
It's so true and spot on, reflecting the life of many expats that I know here in Angeles City.
Beyond the Sensual Horizon
If we look forward to our future with anticipation of attaining various goals, it does look like a compilation of horizons that beacon to us. There is a travel horizon that you yearn to expand, for example. You dream of mysterious new cities, distant vistas calling you into the wide blue (or green, yellow, etc) yonder, and you feel as if the future is waving at you like some kind of mischievous siren. â€œCome on over here! It is better here, you will experience something newâ€, it is saying. The same beaconing horizons exist in areas that gratify all senses. There is a culinary horizon that is calling you, too. It is the appeal of new and exotic tastes. There is also a smoking/tobacco horizon of sorts. New cigars, cigarettes, snuff, etc.
Life is providing us with such new frontiers that are attracting us with their unknown-ness and the thrill of discovery. Once unfolded, discovered and tasted, satisfaction sets in, but then, endless new scopes again open up before us and wait for us to be discovered ad infinitum as we strive to satisfy our senses. We may become lethargic and bored for a while, but soon, a new desire to explore yet new sensations will awaken in us, and we again move forward to the forever expanding new possibilities.
There is a sexual horizon-frontier, too, which is infinitely vast, but it is the one to which the movement is restricted the most for a great number of people. Sex on Planet Earth is regulated, and is almost always in short supply for the majority of humans unless they are either very rich or very attractive and, at the same time, living in a somewhat sexually permissive society. Few people are totally sexually fulfilled. Imagine for a moment though, that all your sexual desires could be satisfied. Would boredom set in in the end? What would await you beyond that horizon?
There is a brand of tourist called aptly and unequivocally, the â€œsex touristâ€, or, in cases of his/her long stays in various sexual play lands, we should call him/her a sex-driven exile or a sex expat. Most are males, middle-aged as a rule; some are still young and with money; and there are even females, all with various degrees of sexual frustration gnawing at them and pushing them towards choosing such a risky lifestyle.
You can see such men in parts of Latin America, SE Asia and Eastern Europe where, by some strange quirk of nature and economics combined, there is a number of attractive and available women who will have an intimate interlude with them for a very small fee or, in many cases, for the sake of adventure and as part of their looking to attain personal happiness of all sorts.
The female sex tourist usually go to the Mediterranean, including parts of the Arab world, as well as places where handsome black men will oblige them- both in Africa and on some Caribbean islands. Some females also head for parts of South America populated by a mixture of various Italian and Spanish immigrants which had created a variety of handsomeness rarely found in what they see the somewhat romantically-, and passion- and looks-deprived world of Northern Europe and North America.
Having an abundance of attractive and willing sex partners? Is it possible? Well, yes, by moving yourself physically to the right country, it does happen, and, nowadays, you do not even need a whole lot of money to experience such a pleasant situation. You can have any partner you want, as many as you want, and at any time you want.
So, what happens if you do?
Many things happen, and every person has his own version of such a journey into the sexual beyond.
Usually, a middle-aged Western male ends up in South East Asia ( Latin America, Eastern Europe) and goes to bars or other such places filled with nubile young women. The ratio of men to women in such bars/other places varies from 5: 8 to 3:50, as a general rule. The choices are, basically, endless. The first few days or even weeks, he is completely dazzled and paralyzed by all the choices he has now. He does nothing for a while; just sits there observing what is going on. Then, he becomes a shark in the state of feeding frenzy. He often takes several partners a night while experiencing the euphoria similar to a Bedouin who had lived all his life in the desert and who has reached the Nile. He can now drink all the water he can and he will drink and drink and drink and then some.
After several days, however, he becomes tired and wants a break. Sex does require physical energy, you know. He rests for a few days, then resumes the feeding â€œritualâ€, but progressively with fewer and fewer partners. Also, if at first he would jump at any female who would be willing to oblige him, slowly he becomes choosier and choosier. He begins to distinguish between various types of ladies and no longer goes for the less attractive ones while, in the beginning, anything breathing would do. Eventually, his tastes become more and more refined and he only picks â€œthe cream of the cropâ€. After another time period which can last from several weeks to several months, the tourist becomes fatigued and takes a longer break. He feels that he has gotten it out of his system and starts missing something. â€œI want a relationship; I need to be loved. This is not real; it is all money-based!â€ he exclaims. He then decides that he wants to â€œfall in loveâ€. After some attempts, he finally finds a girlfriend, usually among the same prostitutes or border-line prostitutes and â€œsettles downâ€. Some do so after beginning to feel guilty of â€œtaking advantageâ€ of the poverty of the people and some just because they get scared of AIDS and other such illnesses. They get tested for the virus and if they are negative, the young couple â€œsettles downâ€.
When â€œloveâ€ is found and the man is now in the arms of his true â€œamourâ€, euphoria again sets in. For a while, that is. Then he begins to experience marriage-related problems. He now has the girlâ€™s family to deal with. He has a society outside to deal with, and that society and the family may or may not like the new couple for various reasons- class reasons, race and ethnic reasons, etc. He may then either take the girl to his country or bite the bullet and stay where he is. If he goes back to the West, it may work out but what happens if he stays?
Again, all sorts of problems keep cropping up, economic ones, immigration and job-related ones, and he also begins to realize that his freedom is now restricted in many ways. He, secretly at first, and then with greater and greater awareness, becomes conscious of the fact that being a playboy was very liberating. And it cost less money than having a wife, too. Yes, siree! No in-lows to take out to dinner. No medical bills if the wife or kids get sick, no money to be saved for the kidsâ€™ education. In many cases, he breaks up with his new love after a year or even sooner, and goes back to his lifestyle as â€œthe johnâ€. Once a john, always a john, you see.
In other cases, he secretly cheats on his wife because once you taste what itâ€™s like to be a sex god (or a sex fiend), being just a husband (read â€œhouse-boundâ€) can be very cramping to your style, see?. Some men succeed, particularly those with some religious upbringing and some â€œmoralsâ€ left in them, and who move back to their country. Many donâ€™t.
Generally, a good number stay in the various grey areas between marriage or semi-marriage, partial cohabitation and the philandering of various degrees. We can call such a lifestyle â€œsexual diversifyingâ€, and, similarly to how one diversifies oneâ€™s investments of money, one does not put all oneâ€™s emotional and sexual urges into one â€œbasketâ€. Such a way of life seems to be the most gratifying for all men who embark on journeys of sensual indulgence.
Also, some men end up â€œriding the crestâ€ of emotions by always consorting with a group of young women in the 18-22 category when many are very marriage-minded and who are apt to engage in all sorts of emotional ups-and-downs and intrigues. Such men thrive on jealous scenes, tearful break ups and passionate make ups and starring in their own thrilling soap operas. It is an interesting lifestyle although it is time- (and money) consuming and leaves little room for any other worthwhile pursuits.
Eventually, as with any pleasure involving senses, the man gets somewhat jaded. The question is when. Some take as little as one year, some take as long as possibly 20 years or even longer. Some do end up finding a fulfilling relationship, some turn to various alternative sexual lifestyles to discover yet new frontiers, some become so corroded by ennui that they end up single and do not want to be bothered with sex ever again. The latter outcome has its advantages as one can now devote oneâ€™s life to art, music or writing among other refined things.
The results of a manâ€™s long foray into sex heavens of the world vary from one person to another. One thing is certain, though. Such a lifestyle does not create long-lasting happiness. It cannot do so by the virtue of the fact that nothing based on satisfying senses can truly fulfill you or give you a base upon which one can be absolutely happy. Just like a Bedouin who has reached the Nile and is euphorious for some time, but who cannot build total personal happiness on the fact that now water is in such great supply, similarly, endless supply of sex cannot in and by itself become a source of everlasting felicity. Hence, for some, the end of active sexual pursuits can become a beginning of a new spiritual journey.
But what becomes of women who go to such sex heavens? The results are somewhat similar to those of men although they cannot enjoy as much love or semi-love as men because of the fact that they are far more restricted by age than men are. A woman in her fifties can still be attractive to Middle Eastern, Greek or African men in their thirties and forties, but few, for social or even physical bases, can spend time picking up young people in go-go bars while in their 60s and 70ies, while men can pick up prostitutes and even get lovers/wives all the way until the very end of their lives. A rich 80 year old man can marry an 18 year old in many countries if he has enough money, and still get some semblance of â€œloveâ€ from her, but it is something that is much harder for a woman to pull off. An old man can still father a child while a post -menopause woman cannot. So, in case of women, many end up getting married after their rather short fling while a big number of men stay in that limbo located somewhere in a place situated among marriages, passionate love affairs, long courtships, various degrees of amorous conquests and the outright use of the services of prostitutes .
Some women go back to their countries to get married; some stay in the foreign manâ€™s country. Few, if any brag, of such adventures to anyone. Most such women also seem to be much more bent on marriage then men. The ones settled with foreign men in the menâ€™s countries have to put up with many more infidelities than what Western men would put up with in their lives. Many also experience a combination of welcome and oppression in the new country. They are welcome as exotic guests but they no longer have the â€œmanagerialâ€ rights equal to those they would have back home.
However, as with men, they eventually discover that neither unlimited love nor affection from the opposite sex provides for true happiness and fulfillment. One gets tired of everything in life given enough of it for a long enough time period.
So, what does make us happy? I guess, that is a question that we have been trying to answer since the world began. One thing is clear though: sexual gratification will provide as much of it as any other thing outside of ourselves, which is not really much when you look at life long term. However, it is a very good carrot on a stick and an excellent motivational tool to encourage you to earn money, travel and learn foreign languages. You basically use your procreational urges to inspire you. It also provides you with all sorts of emotional jolts that a person who does not live such a lifestyle will never experience. You will runs a full gamut from heavenly joy when one is in the arms of a particularly attractive partner or partners to the dismal angst and trepidation when one goes to get the results of that AIDS test. Diapers for adults are strongly recommended- to be worn on that fateful day.
Those who want to engage in such a life style, had better stay within the law and be aware of its downsides- the moral outrage of many people and societies at you doing it, possible diseases some of which are incurable, and a rather big outlay of money, time and emotional or bodily energy. It is a journey fraught with peril. Undertake it at your own risk. Is it worth it, though?
Hard to say.
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