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*I wrote this*
American men, we just canâ€™t win! What the blue hell is up with the online dating scene? It sucks ass! You think it is easier to get a f***ing date on MySpace and other gay sites like AdultFriendFinder? f**k no! Here are some stats for you wombats! For every 10 men online there is only one woman. Basically, men still have competition online. Letâ€™s be for realâ€¦If these bitches online look like Cindy Crawford and Pamela Anderson, they have no business being online. This is the real demographic for online women:
1. They are fat and/or ugly hogs.
2. They are single mothers.
3. They are old as f***ing dirt.
4. They are fat, ugly, old, and are single mothers.
Thatâ€™s the naked truth, Ruth. Online dating is actually worse than real life to be honest with you. I donâ€™t know anyone that has successfully, keyword: successfullyâ€¦I donâ€™t know of anyone that has met someone off of MySpace, married and lived happily ever after. The success rate is only 3% for online dating. Thatâ€™s f***ing it. If you want to keep wet dreaming about online dating, knock yourself out, Mike Tyson. I used to be an advocate for online dating, but not anymore. Why? Batshit insane personal ads like this shit on OKStupid, oops! I mean OKCupid.
I canâ€™t make this shit up and I wish someone did, but real women made these ads on that bullshit website. Men, donâ€™t even f***ing think about reading profiles online anymore. It is so much better in real life. All the good looking women online are online because they are either an attention whore/they donâ€™t have any attention in real life, they are trying to get favors from mangina, p***y whipped men, and they want to be E-famous. Good looking women shouldnâ€™t be online getting dates. They already get hit on a million times a day in real life, why the thunderfuck are they online for? Throw me a lifeline, Regis! These women, no matter if they are ugly or fine have these unrealistic, insane-o-tron expectations for men. No one is perfect and no man is perfect. Get off of your high horse, seabiscuit and seep into reality.
Letâ€™s have some fun! Here are two ads that made me vomit, puke, regurgitate, and all that jazz:
These two â€œwomenâ€ used the exact same ad, but they added spices to it.
1) You must be born male. Sorry, no trannies.
*What? Are you against the rainbow coalition? Are you a bigot towards the LGBT community! Itâ€™s cool that you donâ€™t dig trannies, you probably listen to Ladyboy Gaga huh? Baby rapist!
2) You must own something to wear to a formal reception.
*Are we going to the prom or something? I donâ€™t like to dress up so you can go f**k yourself with your sparkling dildo.
3) You must not own or ever wear Birkenstocks, crocs footwear or randy river jeans.
*What the blue f**k are Randy River jeans? Boy, I never wear sandals because my feet look like Eagle claws. Seriously, a man canâ€™t wear f***ing sandals? What is next, a man canâ€™t wear underwear? You suck ass, c**t.
4) All your parts need to be in good working order, further testing will need to be conducted of course.
*Your p***y needs to be in working order too. You are probably looseâ€¦.You will conduct a test on my Wang Chung? You go girl! Speaking of testing, you probably have a form of HPV and we are going to the free clinic.
5) I can't accept a regular drug user.
*Whew, I thought I was disqualified! I have a degree in Pharmacy...I am drug-free, bitch.
6) You must own at least four collared dress shirts. You need to look presentable standing next to me.
*The magic number is three, bitch! De La Soul told me that a long ass time ago. I bet you shop at Wal-Mart or Target, I saw your punk ass there the other day. You donâ€™t have to lie (Friday reference FTW!).
7) Your height must be proportional to your weight using the standard AMA guidelines.
*What regular Johnny Blowjob do you know knows what the AMA guidelines are? I just heard of this today. I guess this means I have to be 6â€™6, 250lbs and shit right? I am not even close to date so I am a loser! Boo-hoo!
8) You must have a photo which was taken in the last 3 months.
*Who makes up these numbers? God damnâ€¦Drink a warm glass of (cum) shut the f**k up!
9) English must be your first language. Sorry, I'm not a part-time ESL teacher.
*Parle vous Francois? Step your Rosetta Stone game up! This is common sense, you are on a predominant AMERICAN dating site and you said stupid shit like thisâ€¦? Anywayâ€¦
If you meet all of the requirements above then you may continue, if not, then you are now dismissed but thank you.
*Even if I did meet these requirements, I wouldnâ€™t date you. I want to go out on a date, not take the SATs. You are a f***ing tapeworm.
Now: give yourself two points for each of the following criteria you meet
1) You have (or are working on) a post secondary degree.
*Why does this even matter? Ask me a question that is realistic like how many times are you going to f**k my brains out?
2) You own a car and have a valid driver's license. Suspended for DUIs: minus 10 points.
*Uh, I donâ€™t know if I should tell you my driving recordâ€¦You better have the same shit.
3) You've never worn Ed Hardy, Affliction or any other Christian Audigier affiliated brand.
*Yeah, many American men havenâ€™t and whatâ€™s your f***ing point? The average Johnny Blowjob can only afford maybe Abercrombie and Fitch and they donâ€™t wear f***ing Armani and Versace. Get your delusional, prissy ass out of here.
4) You follow at least one professional sport.
*Does female mud wrestling count?
5) You have skills in bed. Not because you think you do, because your past experiences have told you.
*Yes, I keep records of women that I have f***ed in the Library of Congress. They have been properly referenced as â€œhistorically and culturally significantâ€. Women these days are asexual so get your porn star audition ass out of my virtual face.
6) You are not a born again Christian, Jehovah's Witness or any other kind of religious fanatic.
*WOW! A sane statement has been made for $200, Bob. I am an atheistâ€¦
7) You have been to at least three countries outside of North America.
*Trust me, sugar tits, if I visited three countries outside of this shithole we call the USA I would not be talking trash about you now. DENIED!
8) You don't need to call a handy man if something breaks around the house.
*What? I thought you were a strong, independent woman! I thought you could do whatever any man could do. I guess feminism lied to you (obviously).
10) You like stepping out of your bubble and trying new things like cuisine or bungee jumping.
*I donâ€™t have a bubble; I put a bullet in the bubblegoose! The same goes for you too. You are a moron.
11) You can make it through a romantic comedy without complaining (we don't have to tell your friends).
*You can make it through watching porn with me and want to have cum on your face and not complain about it. What am I saying? Women complain about EVERYTHING.
12) You have a great sense of humour. Are people laughing with you, or at you?
*People usually laugh at me because I look like MC Hammer, Will Smith, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and Reggie Miller (not!). Of course I am funny.
13) You can plan a good date without any help or advice from me. "I don't know, what do you want to do" isn't an answer.
*As mentioned, you are an independent woman and men still have to do this 8th century chivalrous bullshit? You canâ€™t have it both ways, honey puss.
14) You work out and enjoy being physically active.
*No shit, Frankenstein.
15) You have a job that requires more than a high school diploma.
*Who gives a flying f**k nut? I am a freelance writer and I work at home. I make more money than people with a college degree so lick my rotten anus.
16) You do not own or ride a donorcycle.
*Donorcycle, heard of this have not (Yoda taught me how to say that!).
17) You have a 5 year goal.
*I highly doubt you have one, so let me shit on your chest!
18) You aren't afraid of being yourself, even if you have a dorky side.
*This should be the norm. What on Saturn are you smoking?
19) You're competitive, and I don't mean you like to battle it out with your WoW buddies on the weekends
*You mean competing with you? No thanks, Hilary Banks. I donâ€™t have time to argue with a woman that wants to be a man. I work at home and I donâ€™t want to hear your roaring.
20) You know how to dance.
*I am a ballerina!
If you have a score of 30+ then please contact me immediately. If you scored between 20-30 pts, you can contact me, but I don't have a lot of hope for our future relationship. If you did not score high enough, then please do not contact me, but if at some time in the future you are able to improve yourself and meet the minimum requirements, then you may re-apply.
*The funny thing is the majority of modern women want to DEMAND everything but never OFFER anything in return. This isnâ€™t Burger King; you canâ€™t have it your way. No sane man in their right frame of mind is going to be in your radar. Enjoy your 15 cats and your vibrators!
I thank you in advance for your application; however, only successful candidates will receive a response.
*I didnâ€™t know I was filing an application for employment. â€œOnly successful candidates will receive a response.â€ LMFAO@U. You are a piece of f***ing work, lady.
Men, donâ€™t online date and if you do, more Nintendo power to you and your life because you will not have one much longer.
Jesus of Nazareth! What demands women in America make on men! I mean come on, I am not applying for a job, only trying to meet women through the personal ads. What is this, the FBI or CIA? All a guy wants to do is try to meet women through the personal ads and it's like he's applying for a job with the government! WTF?
I love the ads where the woman says something like, "I am looking for my knight in shining armor." or, "I am a princess, looking for my prince." Give me a flipping break! I would rather have a bowling ball dropped on my tongue than deal with women like that! I'd rather go scuba diving with a shark than deal with demanding women like that! It would be more fun watching paint dry then deal with overbearing women like that!
This was almost like comedy, if it weren't so sad to begin with. There were no such ads in the USA in the 1990ies even.
The main fact that stands out in this entire situation is that there is such a huge demand for women that they can afford to get this nasty and I am sure guys will be fighting over them like a bunch of hungry piranhas.
The situation is even worse than in Saudi Arabia. At least there, you know where you stand and no one will blame you for being inferior.
I am now in Date in Asia and just contacted some really cute ladies. very sweet and nice and many have responded right away.
A brain is a terrible thing to wash!
I read a statistic that said in some dating websites the men outnumber women 80% to 20%, that's a 4 to 1 ratio of men to women! Hail Mary full of grace! How is a man ever supposed to be able to meet a woman online with the numbers so skewed in the woman's favor?
No wonder why online dating doesn't work for men in America!
The worse is number 13. My last GF use to tell me it was my job to "plan the evening." You have no idea how angry this made me. I had enough stress as it is running a business and solving random problems, then on top of all that, I have to sit down and plan a whole day just for the Mrs. and I like she was a little child.
Women don't even try to make it easy on men, they don't even want to step up an recommend places that they want to go for the most part, they want to be surprised.
But don't let women fool you because when it's girls night out, or an all girls vacation, they all sit down and brain storm where they want to go and how they will get there (and they SHARE expenses). I know women who saved and planed a year ahead for an all women's function, but with their men/BF, they play the role as if they don't know how to do anything and they have no money.
Yeah, I remember online dating profiles in the late 90's. A large percentage of the women would write back then. And they seemed way more like normal human beings.
That probably explains the younger crowd. Do you think that women my age also shifted their culture?
I think that a lot of it is that before 2004 or so, they didn't get hundreds of messages a day like they do now. Guys online on average were more intelligent and women were higher quality.
As an experiment, I set up a free profile on hotornot.com with my younger picture that is used in my avatar here and claimed I was 21. Nothing in the description fields, just a picture. I actually got a fairly decent response rate, even with nothing describing my personality.
Maybe that means that you are better off not giving them anything that can be used against you, by not describing anything in your profile.
BTW, I LOLd at your comment to your 28 year old cousin.
I've found that women met in person are always better. You just need to travel to the countries and meet real, down to earth women in person. The dating sites are mostly crap.
Want to meet real women? Meet them on the streets in 3rd world countries. They are lovely and feminine. They don't have the issues that dating site women have.
But first, you must travel!
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