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*Old blog post I wrote*
Men, we have it hard. We have it hard online, we get the pleasure of having robots or "bots" messaging or commenting us. Women, they get to talk to humans. I am not on many dating sites but I browse a little. I take a look at the merchandise from time to time. Some beautiful chick messages me and I get all excited. I am thinking, "Wow, she is hot! I hope to get to know her and we can build a friendship," f**k no. I read her message and it is a message about some porn site. She is usually a webcam girl or she is an affiliate of AdultFriendFinder or Fling.com or some gay ass dating site.Women, do not ever complain about not talking to multiple men online. At least you talk to a real person. Men talk to f***ing I-Robot and R2 D2. I talked to this cute chick the other day. She messaged me on Yahoo! We hit it off, I guess. She was very quick about this...She wanted me to see her on webcam.
How could I pass that up? So, I knew where this was going. No girl in America is going to talk to me for 5 minutes and want to cam. I knew what was happening next. I was Nostradamus for a few moments. In my head, I rehearsed what she was going to say, "Okay, she is going to say, go to this website. Fill out your information. Copy this code for free access. Use a credit card for age verification," It happened like I expected. I laughed because this is what us men get. We get f***ed up the ass raw with a dildo filled with Tabasco and chipotle sauce. We get raped and we like it. Online dating for men is pitiful and horrific. Women get a million hits a day, men, haha, we get about six (if we are lucky!). I have a profile on Tagged and I have about 52 views. I made a profile in July. This chick that wanted me as a friend has been on a week or so less than me and she has 20,000 views. Isn't that great?
Many men like to date robots but I like females, thanks much. Why do men get the short end of the dookie stick? Why? What did we do? Women that are hungry hungry hippos get more profile views than me. I mean, women that have a face like an alligator and a body of a walrus. The f**k? I will never understand this. Maybe men are naive? We get a message from a girl and she wants us to see her on webcam. She wants us to pay for it and we fall for it. Suckers are born every second. I got this email about 3 years ago. Some Russian girl sent me 5 pictures of herself. She wrote an elaborate story. If I was 12, I would have fallen for it but I didn't. She wanted me to send her money, so she could come to America to marry me. Aww, you are so precious! A mangina would have sent her money, bought her a airplane ticket, breast implants, botox and everything else. We are being preyed on. We don't deserve this.
Women get all the dates they want. Offline and online. Men, we have to do Jedi mind tricks to get a woman. We have to spit "game". We have to act like Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt. Women can have shit running down their face and they can get a husband.
Men, we have to jump through flaming hula hoops, walk a tight rope, do the electric slide, buy prepaid minutes on a Net10 cellular phone, order a Fritos chili pie at Sonic, get attacked by a great white shark, get a Prince Albert piercing on our cocks, sniff glue, spray paint our SCROTUM SACKS!!!!, drink bathwater, get a tattoo of Kirstie Alley on our ass cheeks, sing the Canadian national anthem, eat molded wheat bread, get hit in the head with a dodgeball, cut off our ears and sell it to a scientist, piss in a fish aquarium, drink a glass of sour buttermilk mixed with tartar sauce from Long John Silvers, get injected with female hormones, get branded by a branding iron, staple our eyebrows, stick our head in a Venus fly trap, sit on a porcupine, have a pigeon shit in our mouths, memorize the periodic table of elements, lick a dog's asshole, steal a purse from an elderly lady, prank call the White House, make a fake ID card, run down the street in the nude with a broom, take 50 Advil cold and sinus pills, put both hands in a toaster oven, get baptized in a swamp, get raped by a horse, watch a marathon of Who's the Boss?, write a letter to Senator John Edwards, have an affair with President Bill Clinton, brush our teeth with a razorblade, dress like Billy the Kid, throw eggs at children during recess, smoke poison ivy leaves, listen to Lady Gaga, masturbate to Billy Zane, plan to rob a Hot Topic store, make a chicken quesadilla with teriyaki sauce, learn Mandarin Chinese, speak Pig Latin to a deaf person, push a paraplegic person in front of a school bus, take a shit in a Caesar's salad, make a cherry bomb, and inhale mustard gas just to even talk to a female. It is a cold, cold, cold, cold, cold, world we live in! I thought this was about equality?
After reading this paragraph, I was laughing so hard I started crying. I came up with some new things that men have to do in order to meet women, men have to jump through hoops like, be able to decipher Egyptian hieroglyphics, walk across a bed of hot coals in our barefeet, swallow a sword, eat broken glass, drink cat urine, jump out of an airplane without a parchute, get baptized by fire, shovel snow in our underwear, take a bath with an alligator, clean a toilet with our tongue, sleep with a bed full of porcupines, try to bring about peace in the middle east, eat whale shit, walk on water, change water into wine, sleep on a bed of nails, fly an airplane with a blindfold on and swim across the Atlantic ocean. Then and only then, we will have proved how "worthy we are" to women in America!
How true! Women can be as ugly as sin or as fat as a cow and still have no problem meeting men! WTF? We men on the other hand, have to be charming, witty, good looking, wealthy, strong, dress well, have a great career, drive a nice car, live in a nice home, be smart, adventurous and be able to make women laugh. Then and only then, will women in America see us as "possible relationship material."
I don't know about you guys but before I would start dating an American woman, I would rather, eat raw fish, spend a year at the North Pole, sleep on a bed of nails, take a bath with a sword fish, walk on hot coals, drink prune juice, go to a Rod Stewart concert, kiss a frog, go camping with Freddy Krueger, get abducted by aliens, spend a night in a haunted house, read War and Peace, learn how to belly dance and clean the elephant cages at the zoo!
You have writing talent Phoenix- an over the top, style that zings true. You make your living online? If so, what is to keep you from just bailing and heading to a better place more free of the BS?
Thank you! I am moving to Belize in April 2011.
Yes, I am a freelance writer and I do work at home.
What's keeping me from leaving? Well, my parents are officially getting married in March so I have to be there! Also, I am meeting this white girl from Florida; she is coming to Arizona in March and we are going to hang out.
I do not have problems getting women, but I do know that many of them are evil, vile creatures that prey on men. I am sick of America's tyranny. The whole country is messed up. I just want to explore the world and I was always fascinated with other cultures and people of different backgrounds.
Sure, just because you are expanding your horizons, you still have ties.
Belize has a lot to like. Its different than most of Central America- more Caribbean really. I'm 50 now, but in my day in the USA I had beautiful girlfriends, but its not my day anymore in the US- its still my day in Asia though! LOL. Im back in the US (In Phoenix) till January, then back to Mindanao (Philippines). One thing good about Belize- property ownership is much easier there than in the Philippines and banking is good there as well.
Yes, Belize has many perks that I love and it is the perfect match for me as an individual. It was a hard fought battle, but I chose the right country for me.
I am 26 years old and I don't want to waste anymore time in America than I have to. Once April 2011 is here I am gone! I will still have ties to America though.
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