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How come my Asian cousin never had any problems in America?

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How come my Asian cousin never had any problems in America?

Postby Winston » Wed Apr 09, 2014 8:01 pm

Hi all,
I was wondering why two people who grew up in the same environment and background could turn out so totally different. An example is me and my cousin Taylor. He's not a blood relative, but his parents and mine are very close, so he is like a cousin to me in that sense.

Taylor grew up under the same conditions and environment as me. He grew up in a upper middle class Taiwanese family in the SF Bay Area and is also an only child, like me. The only difference is that his parents are a lot more strict and disciplinarian than mine are. And he went to a private school, not a public one.

But the thing is, he never had any major problems in America. In high school and college, he had good friends and went to parties and school dances. He did not have trouble fitting in, and got very good grades. After college, he went to medical school and became a Radiologist, because it pays well, almost as well as a doctor, but is a far easier job and requires less schooling. Now he works as a Radiologist in a hospital in Tucson, AZ, and has a family with two kids. Thus, he has a normal life with a good stable career and family, which is what a Taiwanese American person in the US is ideally supposed to have.

Here is his photo that I found on Facebook. The second one is of him and his family.

Image

Image

As you can see, he married an Asian American woman. She's nice, but his parents thought she was too Americanized, not like a Chinese woman. (Interestingly, a lot of Chinese in America expect their kids to remain Chinese, not Americanized, for some reason, which I think is unrealistic.)

Here is his Radiologist profile on several medical and health websites:

http://health.usnews.com/doctors/taylor-chen-257035
http://www.healthgrades.com/physician/d ... chen-2hjwv
http://www.vitals.com/doctors/Dr_Taylor_Chen.html
http://www.angieslist.com/companylist/u ... 893723.htm
https://betterdoctor.com/taylor-chen

His bio states:

https://betterdoctor.com/taylor-chen
Taylor Chen MD is a radiologist licensed to practice diagnostic radiology and neuroradiology in North Carolina and Arizona. Dr. Chen specializes in diagnostic radiology and neuroradiology. Dr. Chen holds medical degrees at Keck Sch Of Medicine Of The Usc, in 1996 and University Of Southern California, in 1996. Presently, he practices diagnostic radiology and neuroradiology at Radiology Ltd. in 5301 E Grant Rd, Tucson, at Radiology Ltd. in 330 N Wilmot Rd, Tucson, at Radiology Ltd. in 677 N Wilmot Rd, Tucson, and at Radiology Ltd. in 5960 N La Cholla Blvd, Tucson.


Sounds nice to conventional society, but if I turned out like that, none of you guys would know who I am. lol

So the question is: Why did he conform so easily in America without any major problems, and turned out so normal, square and socially acceptable, whereas I endured endless struggling, suffering, loneliness, isolation, trauma, etc. as a misfit?

In contrast to him, see my Childhood of Oppression story here: http://www.happierabroad.com/Childhood.htm

How do you explain this? He came from the same background and upbringing as me, yet he turned out totally different. Is there a logical explanation for this?

Could it be because Taylor's parents were more strict?

Some of my dad's Taiwanese relatives have always said that I would have turned out better and more normal if I had been disciplined better with more rules and punishments, in a military style fashion. But I think that is a fallacy and wrong assumption on their part, especially since they do not understand what it is like to grow up in a toxic insane inauthentic culture like America.

Taylor's parents are very strict disciplinarian types. Their everyday life is similar to that of a military life. Even when they are retired or on vacation, they still adhere to strict routines. They get up very early everyday at 6am, and perform their tasks and duties in strict accord. They do not relax too much or become too playful and carefree.

Traditional Taiwanese mentality says that if you become too relaxed and carefree, or "let loose", then your life will fall apart into chaos and idleness. So strict discipline and order MUST be maintained at all times, even on weekends and vacations, and even during retirement age. I think this is where their habits come from. I know them well and have spent time with them, ever since the 1980's, and this is how they are. They do not dare over-relax too much.

So you gotta wonder, does such intensely strict upbringing really make a person better? I'm sure it makes them more efficient, functioning and hard working. And I'm sure it's part of Taiwanese culture for a reason. But I'm not sure that kind of thing would have worked on me, since I'm not a conformist by nature and I think too much. What do you think?

I would imagine that the universe and our karma gives us parents that help in our growth and self-development. So maybe there was a reason I did not have such strict parents like other Taiwanese Americans do. Perhaps it would not have been good for my path and soul development. I might have resisted it too much for it to have been any good.

Could it be because Taylor went to a private school, and so did not endure the bullying and insanity of kids in public school?

Or could it be because he is not complex or deep, but more simple and obedient, so he conforms more easily without any inner divisions or issues?

After all, if you try to have a deep discussion with him, or ask his opinions on any subject, he will not have much to say at all. I've never heard him say anything original or insightful. But if you ask him to recall something he learned in school, he will be great. His memory recall of data is excellent, and so like most Taiwanese Americans, he got very good grades in school, which is a mandatory must in their families. He can easily beat me at Trivial Pursuit, which is a game of data recall.

So what do you think? How come he turned out so "normal and square" and I didn't? As a truth seeker, I'd really like to know.

I'm sure critics of HA would point to someone like Taylor and say to me, "Look at him. He came from the same background you did. But he turned out normal and has a good career and family, like he is supposed to. He never had the problems in America that you did. So the problem must be you, Winston, and the other misfits in your HA group."

How would you respond to that?
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Re: How come my Asian cousin never had any problems in Ameri

Postby Repatriate » Wed Apr 09, 2014 8:26 pm

Winston wrote:Taylor grew up under the same conditions and environment as me. He grew up in a upper middle class Taiwanese family in the SF Bay Area and is also an only child, like me. The only difference is that his parents are a lot more strict and disciplinarian than mine are. And he went to a private school, not a public one.


I have a close cousin who had an upbringing like this as well but he went through hell in middle school and high school because he was surrounded by hicks. However, he also went on to become pretty successful career wise with a wife and large family.

So the question is: Why did he conform so easily in America without any major problems, and turned out so normal, square and socially acceptable, whereas I endured endless struggling, suffering, loneliness, isolation, trauma, etc. as a misfit?


You don't know what drives an individual, this cousin could derive satisfaction from his career and family. Those are his focused goals which he achieved. There's nothing wrong with that.

To be honest Winston you seem to bow easily to emotional pressure and you allow your insecurities to pile up like dirty clothes in a bedroom. This weighs you down and you really do seem like someone with some mental problems. I'm not saying you're crazy but you'd probably benefit from having a good psychiatrist who can analyze you a bit. I really do think you suffer from depression and some kind of personality disorder. No matter what the clowns on here think about modern psychiatry in your case I do think there is a lot of merit to getting some professional help.

After all, if you try to have a deep discussion with him, or ask his opinions on any subject, he will not have much to say at all. I've never heard him say anything original or insightful.


Just because someone doesn't open themselves up to you doesn't mean they aren't deep or truthful. It's possible that they simply don't open up to people they aren't truly close with on an emotional level.

I'm sure critics of HA would point to someone like Taylor and say to me, "Look at him. He came from the same background you did. But he turned out normal and has a good career and family, like he is supposed to. He never had the problems in America that you did. So the problem must be you, Winston, and the other misfits in your HA group."

How would you respond to that?


I'll go ahead and say outright that the problem is partially you and the way U.S. society treats certain people. It's been said over and over again that America is a great place if you have very focused goals, especially if they are career orientated. If you are trying to "find" yourself then America is not so good this is doubly true if you're an ethnic minority suffering with an identity or emotional crisis like yourself. Then the U.S. becomes a very toxic place in which you really need to reprioritize your life asap.
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Postby Winston » Wed Apr 09, 2014 8:45 pm

Repatriate,
Nice to you see you back. But you obviously have no experience with psychiatrists. I have. So have many others. They do not care about your problems or what the cause is. All they want to do is prescribe medication. Try going to one and you'll see what I mean.

A therapist or mental health counselor may talk to you more. Yes. But they can't solve your problems or change your mental health. Nor will they try. They will just listen to you, charge you and make an appointment for next week. They aren't going to provide deep answers or insights to your problems. In the movies they do, but in real life they don't.

Some will even be argumentative and debate you if your views are not politically correct. Here is an example of a therapist I went to who did just that:

http://www.happierabroad.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=9798

He told me that he disagreed with me because all the Europeans he knew told him that Americans were friendlier than in other countries. And when I showed him my photo albums from overseas to prove my point, he looked disgusted and refused to acknowledge them.

The freethinking psychologist R.D. Lang wrote:

"Insanity - a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world." - R. D. Lang

Sure I have some mental problems. I have an obsession with symmetry and order, similar to OCD. Most of us here have mental problems after growing up in a toxic culture like America where we did not fit in. But how come people like Taylor didn't?

Maybe his karma and path are different.

Why do you say that he does not share any original thoughts or ideas to me, because he's not close to me? You assume that all people in the world have original thoughts, ideas and insights. NOT TRUE. Most people don't. So why didn't you just accept the obvious explanation?

Besides, he's known me since the 1980's. I'm not a stranger to him. His family is very close to mine too. Why would he not open up to me? You're not making sense.

Also, I have no problem sharing deep thoughts and insights with strangers, so why should anyone else? People who are freethinkers tend to open up and share their thoughts easily, even with strangers.

Don't assume that just because you aren't open with strangers, Repatriate, that everyone else is the same. Freethinkers tend to be very open and enjoy talking to strangers about their insights, ideas and experiences.

Therefore, that observation was highly flawed.

Yes US society is only for people who live for careers and all about money and business, who do not mind becoming robotic, mechanized and regimented. It is not for people who have souls, who are sensitive or deep, very passionate, or who thrive on romance, social connection, or meaning. It is not for existentialists and philosophers like Arthur Schopenhauer or Friederich Nietzsche. As you all know, I'm far more philosophical than materialistic and practical.

Highly philosophical people like me tend to have deep inner struggles and dilemmas their whole lives. The ones throughout history (e.g. Schopenhauer, Nietzsche, even Mark Twain) always did and it remained with them their whole life. It's both a blessing and a curse. It can make us very deep, wise, complex and become great writers. But it can also plague us like a curse as well. The life of an existentialist is a lonely one that is never truly resolved. Even if you solve some mysteries of existence, you always look for other ones. We aren't content with only having a job and raising a family.

Your last point is true. So I guess a key difference between me and him is that he's not trying to find himself, whereas I am and have always been?
Last edited by Winston on Wed Apr 09, 2014 9:30 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Postby momopi » Wed Apr 09, 2014 9:11 pm

Radiologists are one of the highest paying medical professions in America, earning ~$300,000 to $500,000/year. IMO it's not that he didn't have any trouble in his life, but he knew exactly what he's after and he got it.
Last edited by momopi on Wed Apr 09, 2014 10:02 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Postby Winston » Wed Apr 09, 2014 9:40 pm

That's a logical assessment Momopi.

Hey I knew what I wanted too, but I never got it. I wanted to have a cute/hot girlfriend and wanted a career in marketing, acting/show biz, or media/journalism. I went for it, but I didn't get it. How come? lol

We all have dreams and we dreamed of things we wanted. And I'm sure many of us went for it too. But that doesn't explain why some get it and others don't. How come Momopi?

Is it because we need to have more realistic goals, like Taylor had? What if realistic goals aren't enough to satisfy some of us? That's the problem isn't it?

Anyhow, this all begs the question:

Other people in the mainstream, like my cousin Taylor, are human beings too. They have emotional needs and are privy to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs as well. So how come they can fit into America and have a normal life, whereas we here on HA have so many issues and suffer from isolation and can't fit in? What's the difference between them and us?

This is the core question I've been trying to find an answer to. I don't think just merely saying "Everyone is different" answers this question. That's more of just a copout answer. Even if it's true, it does not go deeper.

Question for you all:

If I had a profile like Taylor has, would you all respect and admire me more? lol

https://betterdoctor.com/taylor-chen

Taylor Chen MD is a radiologist licensed to practice diagnostic radiology and neuroradiology in North Carolina and Arizona. Dr. Chen specializes in diagnostic radiology and neuroradiology. Dr. Chen holds medical degrees at Keck Sch Of Medicine Of The Usc, in 1996 and University Of Southern California, in 1996. Presently, he practices diagnostic radiology and neuroradiology at Radiology Ltd. in 5301 E Grant Rd, Tucson, at Radiology Ltd. in 330 N Wilmot Rd, Tucson, at Radiology Ltd. in 677 N Wilmot Rd, Tucson, and at Radiology Ltd. in 5960 N La Cholla Blvd, Tucson.


Now don't get me wrong. I'm sure Radiologists help people and serve a useful function in the health field. But they don't receive quotes like these:

http://www.happierabroad.com/FreethinkingAsian.htm
http://www.happierabroad.com/Hero.htm

Or receive letters like these:

http://www.happierabroad.com/FanMail.htm
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Postby momopi » Wed Apr 09, 2014 10:28 pm

Winston wrote:Hey I knew what I wanted too, but I never got it. I wanted to have a cute/hot girlfriend and wanted a career in marketing, acting/show biz, or media/journalism. I went for it, but I didn't get it. How come? lol
We all have dreams and we dreamed of things we wanted. And I'm sure many of us went for it too. But that doesn't explain why some get it and others don't. How come Momopi?
Is it because we need to have more realistic goals, like Taylor had? What if realistic goals aren't enough to satisfy some of us? That's the problem isn't it?


If you found it difficult to get a cute/hot GF in the US, there are almost 200 countries/territories in the world where you can chase girls and hope for better success. It's why you started happier abroad as an expat advocacy forum. One can vote with his feet, but cannot turn back the clock of time. The longer you wait, the older you are, and closer to your grave.

If you're making a decent living from your writings on the internet, are you not successful at a career (or publisher) in media/journalism?



Winston wrote:This is the core question I've been trying to find an answer to. I don't think just merely saying "Everyone is different" answers this question. That's more of just a copout answer. Even if it's true, it does not go deeper.


Ah, but everyone IS different. Just because someone wants to be a radiologist, doesn't mean that he or she can pass medical school. It's the difference between "be all you want to be" versus "be all you can be". People have different faculties in their inherent metal and physical ability by genetics, development, and other factors.

To say that such answer is a cop-out and expecting deeper answers, is like asking why there's genetic variation among the human population.
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Postby zboy1 » Thu Apr 10, 2014 2:09 am

Winston, the U.S. is a great place to live a robotic, materialistic, cold and regimented lifestyle. That's not the kind of lifestyle I want, nor for other 'free-thinking' Asians like you, Repatriate, Falcon, Mguy and Baoning.

The Asians who do succeed in the U.S.--tend to be the money and career-oriented types, so if you're not any one of those, well...life sucks for you in the United States.

This is an easy question to answer, Winston! I'm surprised you had to ask this question, because many Asian posters have already discussed this at-length, in other threads.

It's not terribly hard for Asians to succeed in America if money is all they care about...and nothing else--including having a meaningful social life, meeting a nice women, being social conscious and doing something 'for' humanity or having a happy and fulfilling life. (One that isn't materialistic in nature.)
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Postby Winston » Thu Apr 10, 2014 3:18 am

True Zboy1. But you forgot to add one thing. They not only care about career and money, but also about raising a family as well.

In Taylor's case, he has met the standard of what is expected in the Asian American community: For one to go to a good school so he can get a good career and raise a family.

So it's the prestige of having a good career and raising a family with a wife. That's what you are supposed to do in order to be accepted as normal by society. So it's not just the money. It's the prestige of career and family as well, which makes you normal and square in society's view.

Asian American families raise their kids to conform to this ideal. Taylor has done just that, as he was supposed to.
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Re: How come my Asian cousin never had any problems in Ameri

Postby momopi » Thu Apr 10, 2014 4:27 am

Winston wrote:But the thing is, he never had any major problems in America. In high school and college, he had good friends and went to parties and school dances. He did not have trouble fitting in, and got very good grades. After college, he went to medical school and became a Radiologist, because it pays well, almost as well as a doctor, but is a far easier job and requires less schooling. Now he works as a Radiologist in a hospital in Tucson, AZ, and has a family with two kids. Thus, he has a normal life with a good stable career and family, which is what a Taiwanese American person in the US is ideally supposed to have.


A radiologist attend medical school like any other doctor, plus specialized training, 4 year diagnostic radiology residency, and whatever else required. It's a very competitive and difficult field. Radiologists are not paid "almost as well as a doctor", on average they make more than doctors. HouseMD can probably comment better.

Those who become doctors because they care about patients and love the interaction, or those who went to med school because they didn't have anything better to do, typically do not end up in the highest paid specialist positions. My $0.02 is that your cousin knew exactly who he was, where he was, and where he wanted to go. He had a clear objective and goal. I think when he pursued his wife, he also had a clear mindset "I want this women to be my wife", and not "...oh I donno..."

The difference between you and your cousin is, you don't appear to have the same level of clarity and motivation. I'm guilty of wandering off to la la land from time to time myself, but the best thing that my father taught me was how to fish, and my cousin taught me how to shoot. You need prolonged patience and concentration to succeed in those. If you dislike hooking fish or using a gun, try joining local archery clubs or find one that teaches zen archery (archery is popular now due to Hunger Games movie). If you want to succeed, you need to learn how to empty your mind instead of over-thinking about everything.

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Postby starchild5 » Thu Apr 10, 2014 11:33 am

I have read almost all your articles since last year...My assessment is you are not from planet earth....your essence...I won't call it a soul as its an over used, over loaded word that won't be able to describe who you really are.....

In America or even planet earth..You won't fit in....You are the kind of guy...that belongs to Deep Underground Military Bases (DUMBs) working for the bad guys, who shape the Matrix and structures the minds of evolving races...

If you were to work for the dark side...You would easily be on a Rothschild, Rockefeller or even their master level....easily.....You decided even before coming to earth what your role would be....You could not digest the injustice being done to humanity as a species as these dark forces always attack evolving species and make them their slaves.....They never fight someone of their own size or evolution level....so you decided to come to earth and take on the dark side....to free human species

Radiologist is still a realm of the dark medical world...Your essence just rejects it....You had dreams of going to showbiz, marketing etc etc....but that's just program from invisible forces....All professions in this world serves the darkness....Your essence is deep fighting against the dark forces......You will not understand yourself unless you go far far far away from planet ..into deep space where you belong and have come from.....you really do not need anyone...you are complete on your own....now, that you are on a human body, you have to fight the emotions of evolving species like wanting company, friends, accepted in a society, starting a family, job, proving oneself to the world etc etc but that's the way human species is...its ok for them...thats how they should be....its the evolution level they are in....so we have to be in that mold also to fight the dark...


I know I sound too cocky, out there etc etc..however, its just basics that every Alien kid in this galaxy knows....we are just not being told about REALITY but lies since birth in school and college..We are not alone, there are 100s of species in this galaxy itself is the first chapter that Alien kids learn in their school but somehow, this simple fact is made the MOST difficult to understand for any human being....

What I have said is really not a big deal....This happens all the time ....Higher Evolved beings come down to help evolving species and protect them from races who prey on them ....However, its becomes grander and grander for evolving species to gauge what they are into....and after reading your posts...I can also say...This is not the first time you have done it.....you were involved in other rescue missions of other evolving species ...Your sense of observation and how you observe human behavior shows this..you have studied, observed the level of human behavior and the dark forces control on earth and its manipulating effect on humanity before even taking birth.


I can only go this far...You know better....you are doing what needs to be done to raise humanity to higher level...again, my words sounds out there....but that's how it is when you come down to evolving species level of consciousness and the manipulation they are suffering from...these words will sound crazy for most......thats how the current state of things are...
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Postby ladislav » Thu Apr 10, 2014 1:36 pm

This can be explained logically. He and his parents knew their place and knew what options were and were not available to him/them.

First- he went to private schools- that means, he was pretty much sheltered against the idiots and racists at public ones. In America, it is poor people who are racists, and just mean people period. The richer ones are at least more polite. This made all the difference from the outset.

Also, he adopted a policy of working towards a financial goal and did not pay attention to the rest of what went on. He met it. He also lived in a safe neighborhood. Most problems in the USA happen at lower levels; not at higher ones.

He knew his place and did not run after blond bombshells. He did not try to hang out with " all-American" kids. He married another Chinese. He probably also associated with other Chinese/TWese or simply put friendship on the back burner and concentrated on his studies. He chose a profession which was open to people like him.

I once asked a Thai if his relatives in the US were having any problems living in Texas, etc. They said- No! Again, the reason was they were busy running their restaurants. I am sure they didn't go to redneck bars or tried to date blond girls. Too busy mixing noodles and counting dollars. Then sending money home to Thailand to buy a house. See no evil, hear no evil. Probably could not understand evil, either, because of limited English.

A mole underground is also happy with its life and sees no problems of any kind.

I also wondered why there were Westerners who were living in Asia among all these Oriental people and they never had any problems. Well, they knew their place. In Asia, there are also rules that they expect white people to follow:

1) be English teachers or be with some big multinational import/export company
2) talk English and not try to fit in. Do not learn the local language too much because you will make locals unhappy and uncomfortable
3) If marrying, get some woman that is out of circulation with local men- too old, too ugly, not a virgin, not very educated ( or too educated) with kids, divorced, etc., etc.,.
4) play a perennial foreigner and be a cultural bridge- that is your attractiveness
5) most important- do not come poor- come with a job already or connections in place and/or with money so that you can be at least in a comfortable middle class category.
6) do not understand and, thus, get mad at insults or gossip or see non-verbal scorn directed at you. And most do not and that's why they are happy.

Thus, many Orientals do not like people like me- the ones who learn the language fluently within 6 months and know what's going on, understand all the insults hurled my way and all the gossip behind my back and how racist ( and arrogant/ignorant) many of them really are.

Ignorance is bliss.

However, all these people have a place in society and are consumers, tax payers, and professionals to get work done. They contribute to society by keeping money at local banks and making it available to other people for borrowing purposes. They make the world work and create a great infrastructure for all of us.
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Postby Richardrli » Mon Apr 14, 2014 7:16 am

As a few members have said already, the reason/s is exactly the ones you outlined in your own articles. Your cousin is (no offense) a sheep that opted for the materialistic life like 99% of all Asian immigrants and as is expected he has little desire or capacity for things like intellectual curiosity and philosophy. Now don't get me wrong, having a stable career is very important as I'm sure we can all agree to but the robotic "living to work" lifestyle is obviously the antithesis of the ideals of this forum. So quite simply, us and them are people from different universes, and in America at least, that's the conformist sheep's universe.
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