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Posted: July 10th, 2013, 8:12 am
by kai1275
xiongmao wrote:The Chinese countryside can mean rabid dogs, horrible food and sickness. Be careful going there!
Just don't visit her family if you're not 100% serious about her.
Ignore this ridiculous advice. If anything it is the exact opposite of the city, which he is describing, minus the rabid dog part. I do not think I have ever seen a rabid dog in China ever. Those dogs would be eaten by some local long before they can become "rabid".
Posted: July 10th, 2013, 8:21 am
by kai1275
magnum wrote:I was speaking with my girl friend a bit over text, apparently she has planned out a lot of are time together, one interesting bit is she's going to take me to see her aunt in the countryside, now I expect I'll be in for a shock, as when I hear countryside in china, I expect far worse conditions then what I'd expect in a usa farm.
Apparently I'll be helping her aunt with the garden, I'd imagine that's code for "your going to work your a** off" but I could be wrong.
One one side I'm happy she's having me meet members of her family, on the other I'm hoping not to do manual labor my entire visit!
This means she hopes her family will approve marriage to you. You might have to do some light work around there, but I kinda doubt it. The women usually do most of the work around the house/farm unless it is "man-related" work, like changing a tire on a car, etc. They usually do not make the guest do any work either, but that depends upon how long you are going to be there.
Just mind your manners. My guide has tips on how to eat at the table, but I can give some extra tips. Spit the bones on the table, especially if the others are doing that. Don't grab food with your chopsticks if you have any bits of rice on them, wipe off the rice first or eat them off, then reach in to grab more food. Let your woman feed you and get you your rice, just tell her what you want. Say "Xie Xie" (thank you) whenever someone does something nice or gets you something, and they will be VERY impressed with your polite manners!
Posted: July 10th, 2013, 8:32 am
by xiongmao
The rabid dogs... got that story from a couple of my ex's who knew people who died of rabies. I've never been to the countryside.
I don't get the whole bone spitting thing... why don't they just cook better food to start with?
Posted: July 10th, 2013, 8:41 am
by kai1275
magnum wrote:I'm about to depart for china day after next.
Just finished doing my gift shopping more or less, I have about 3 more gifts out of 11 remaining...my god...shopping for your girl friends...family members/friends sucks, I got random low cost gifts for a lot of them, I'm not made of gold, so I"m not sure they'll be up to par, but from what she said it's not about the cost, and my experiences holds that true.
My stress level is up a little, she's expressed several times that she wants sex, and she knows from last time that I don't put out until after I'm married, yet she seems to be pushing it, odd I thought for a Chinese girl, gives me alarm....because literally the first night I'm in china I'll be sleeping in the same bed as her, it'll make it a odd first night if she expects me to pop my cherry.
I'm not looking forward to the 19 hour/layover wait time to get to china, but on the positive note, a few days ago I got my last pay checks from work, I made 150$ more then I had expected, that'll go far for me in china.
Soon I'll find out if this relationship has a future, I hope some of what I post will be of some use to any of you who are interested in actually going abroad and seriously trying to start a deep relationship with a girl you plan on wedding.
So far I can tell you Chinese girls are very good at playing chess....and by this I mean they will attempt to.....make you feel as though you could lose them even when you know you have them in your pocket, I can understand this tactic...as they're trying to make sure your not just playing games with them, so though they won't exactly lie to you, or at least mine wont...they tend to tell you things that leave the "door" open to the relationship as if she's the one with 100 options and not you, it's very easy to see, because the English skill it's harder for them to hide the motives behind what the girl says, but this could be true only for my girl friend.
maturity level is all over the radar, my girl friend is 19, she shows a mixed bag of independence, child like behavior yet has a lot of mature things to say, though my girl friend is 19, she seems to have a grasp on life matters and priority, wont be lazy, at least not when it comes to her education or "have to" kind of things, however, she's down right horrible with her eating habbits and exercise is non-existent, when chinese girls want to lose weight they eat less almost always instead of exercise, a very unhealthy way to achieve a weight goal.
My girl friend has no clue how to cook, in my case this is a positive as I have a very healthy life style and prefer to measure count calories and make sure everything healthy and on-gmo, as for you older guys, I'd imagine it'll be random chance, but it seems everyone older then 20 has some kind of minimal cooking skills 30+ should be able to cook, this is a guess based on what I've seen so don't take it as fact.
Public affection seems to happen, but not half as much as my girl friend was throwing it at me, this could be alarming or charming depending on the motive behind it, she might think it was more western to do that and thus it could be a negative, she might want to show off and that could be a negative, or she might just not give a damn, I'm not too clear on this one, but I know in china making out as much as we did was not normal.
If you guys have any questions, ask me here, and I'll respond when I can.
Oh and if anyone has any advice for me when it comes to young chines girls in a new relationship, by all means....tell me/warn me, I'm about to be in for one hell of a ride I'm sure.
Again, an offer of sex from a Chinese girl is an offer made ONLY to a pending marriage. If you cannot f**k her, she will feel odd about you before the wedding because she is going to want to know if your equipment even works. I wrote a lot about this in my guide. You are basically days from having a wedding in China and you do not even realize it.
They let the bf/fiancee sleep with their daughters at night in the same bed. My wife and I did. Her parents gave zero f***s about that. You must understand how Chinese do things. In their eyes you guys are basically married already. If you are there long enough, they will have the wedding soon or like me and my wife did, they will hold the wedding after you guys finish the K1 visa process if you two choose to go that route.
If you have concerns about your virginity and faith, I know how you feel, because I was the same way in the past, but do not think she is some slut or something. I bet 1000 dollars she probably is a virgin too. You guys are getting married pretty much, so you can lose it together a day or two later after you guys meet.
The maturity stuff is common for Chinese. They are extremely pragmatic and practical. Your average 19 year old in China is like a 25 year old in the US.
She may not know how to cook yet, but typically her parents and relatives will fix that before she goes back to the US with you. My wife could not cook that well when I met her. Now? f**k! I eat like a KING now! She cooks better than any Chinese friend I have in the US.
Get plenty of rest on the plane. Don't stare out the window and stay awake the whole trip. Calm down or you will have
VICIOUS jet lag complete with constipation once you get there.
Just relax and enjoy. Go with the flow of things and you should be a-okay.
Posted: July 10th, 2013, 8:47 am
by kai1275
xiongmao wrote:The rabid dogs... got that story from a couple of my ex's who knew people who died of rabies. I've never been to the countryside.
I don't get the whole bone spitting thing... why don't they just cook better food to start with?
Chinese like to cook food with the bones in it to enhance the flavor of the meat/dish. You eat the meat around the bones and spit or put the bones on the table in front of you. Everyone in China does this north and south.
That rabies story sounds like many of the old-wives tales. The rabies shots in China is like 900-1500rmb, so even if that was true I can see how a very poor person wont pay for it.
The dogs in the city are worse than the farm dogs. The farm dogs just want table scraps. Nothing different than here in the rural parts of the US. Any dogs running around with or without an owner risk being grabbed and eaten by other Chinese. Especially in the countryside and certain larger cities.
Posted: July 10th, 2013, 10:14 pm
by magnum
oh how I wish what you said was true....
Her mother has stage 4 lung cancer, she's saying she wont tell her family about me being her boyfriend because she isn't ready to get her dad angry yet and thinks it might cause her mother even more health problems, thus I'm assuming the uncle and ant have no clue I'm a boy friend if the father isn't aware of it.
She isn't a virgin, she's been with 2 guys before that she has told me about, not my ideal pick, but we get along and I don't expect perfection.
So you see....it isn't a sure thing, she has talked about having kids in the future but not with the idea that I'm the father, be we've talked about how we both want to have kids so... who knows, it's tricky, I've done some of my homework here gents, it's a very odd situation, she could be playing games with me...though I really just think she's a little immature when it comes to the seriousness of the situation, and I'm a man of my word, so...I came back to china like i said I would, I wont be giving that word again unless I think she's wife material.
This trip will change the course of my life, if I end up with her, I'll move to china and become a personal trainer and a English teacher if it fails, I'll join the military here and retire in 6 years and head to Africa for missionary work, it would be ideal to find a woman who'd be willing to brave the chaos with me, but that isn't realistic.
it's sad....because the very first night I'm with her, tomorrow....I think I'll disappoint her when I don't put out, that could cause very serious problems right off the bat...I didn't wait 28 years just to give in, but I've also never been is the position where I had to make the choice of put out or be dumped.
Posted: July 11th, 2013, 10:54 pm
by magnum
So...last second on the plain, I had to get off, my second plain got canceled, but my bag remained on the flight, so tomorrow on my replacement flight I pray I can go pick it up, it had all my cloths and the girfts I had for over 10 people....
That my friends is one bad day...And I've had 3 to 4 hours sleep, it's 11pm, I'll be getting up at 5 am, things are going to be a little ruff tomorrow.
Posted: July 12th, 2013, 8:28 am
by kai1275
magnum wrote:oh how I wish what you said was true....
Her mother has stage 4 lung cancer, she's saying she wont tell her family about me being her boyfriend because she isn't ready to get her dad angry yet and thinks it might cause her mother even more health problems, thus I'm assuming the uncle and ant have no clue I'm a boy friend if the father isn't aware of it.
She isn't a virgin, she's been with 2 guys before that she has told me about, not my ideal pick, but we get along and I don't expect perfection.
So you see....it isn't a sure thing, she has talked about having kids in the future but not with the idea that I'm the father, be we've talked about how we both want to have kids so... who knows, it's tricky, I've done some of my homework here gents, it's a very odd situation, she could be playing games with me...though I really just think she's a little immature when it comes to the seriousness of the situation, and I'm a man of my word, so...I came back to china like i said I would, I wont be giving that word again unless I think she's wife material.
This trip will change the course of my life, if I end up with her, I'll move to china and become a personal trainer and a English teacher if it fails, I'll join the military here and retire in 6 years and head to Africa for missionary work, it would be ideal to find a woman who'd be willing to brave the chaos with me, but that isn't realistic.
it's sad....because the very first night I'm with her, tomorrow....I think I'll disappoint her when I don't put out, that could cause very serious problems right off the bat...I didn't wait 28 years just to give in, but I've also never been is the position where I had to make the choice of put out or be dumped.
Hmm. Looks like you guys might have to take a long approach. Since she is 19 and the legal age for marriage in China is 20, you not only have to wait for that, but she still being in school, the sick parent, etc. My wife thinks if you can stay in China with her for a little while and wait for her. Her parents may not like this, but here is the deal.
The sooner she introduces you to her parents the better. ALL Chinese girls are afraid to introduce a laowai to their parents. Even mine was very very afraid and was making backup plans in case they did not approve. I was ADAMANT that she tell them because I know how things work in China, and I needed to know upfront how hard this fight was going to be. To our pleasant surprise they were VERY excited to meet me! Her dad showed me off to everyone in his hometown! I got royal treatment and they love me a lot. My knowledge and love of Chinese food and my drinking tolerance earned me even more respect!
Telling them accomplishes a few things:
1. It will let you know if it will be possible to marry her or not. If not possible you can go find another one!!
2. It will let you guys know how to plan for marriage, work, etc.
3. If they say no at first, if you stay there for a while and they see that you guys get along well, they will probably give up and say okay, especially once she is 20.
4. If her dad says no, he may try to use his daughter to support himself, virtually making it impossible for any non-chinese man, but it is hard to know if this will happen or not.
Also, she will need her hukoben to get a Chinese passport. Her dad controls this. Without a Passport she cannot leave China...well she can still do it but it might be messy for the family. let me know if it gets to that point to figure the rest out. That is too much to type about at this stage.
Another strange thing is that she is taking you to the Aunt and Uncle's house and you will be sleeping in the same room? Come on man. They know something. They are not stupid. Are they the brother or sister of the father? or her mother? Maybe they can help if they like you guys together, but usually the wife's/mother side of the family has no credibility/trust with a typical Chinese father! So that help may be limited.
My wife also says it is possible that her father may let you marry his daughter if you give him some money first (dowry basically in a "hong bao" (red envelope)) but how much he will ask for, varies GREATLY. It could be anywhere from a few hundred, to a few thousand, to many thousands, or even some money every month. Also if they like you guys together they may ask you for some money but then give you guys back that money during your wedding. Hong bao culture and every Chinese family does stuff a little differently. He may not ask you for anything at all.
Also do not ask her dad, how much for his daughter either. Let him bring that up if he cares about that. If he is smart, he would let you marry her, so she can have a better and happier life, because you guys will be all that he has left soon.
Maybe you should not have sex with her until she asks her parents first. Just an idea, it's up to you.
Posted: July 12th, 2013, 8:40 am
by kai1275
Also one last thing. You need to get commitment from her that she would be willing to leave her parents if they say no, no matter what. 90% of young Chinese women do exactly what their parents tell them to do. You have to be very careful about that, because these girls are not Westernized enough to understand "rebellion". Only 10-20% of them are independent like this, but fortunately MOST will accept a laowai, especially a UK one in my opinion. American image is pretty bad these days....
Regardless you guys need to talk to them as soon as possible to know where you stand. The time factor is up to you. Time to be the man and lead from the front on that. You do not want to waste time with someone you have no idea if you can marry or not.
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 1:46 am
by ethan_sg
I believe Magnum's American, Kai.
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 1:49 am
by ethan_sg
Xiongmao I believe some of your comments on Chinese food are overboard. Taste in food is subjective after all, and many westerners love Chinese food.
Some of the best Chinese food I've had was in Hangzhou and Nanchang.
Personally I like both Thai and Chinese food. Perhaps you haven't been to the right places or it just doesn't suit your palate, but don't put it out there like it's an objective fact. Some of the best Chinese food I've had at top Chinese restaurants is really up there with any cuisine in the world.
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 4:23 am
by xiongmao
I need to post more photos of "real" Chinese food. i.e. the dusty noodles in the supermarket, and the bowls of bones the student canteen served.
I'm happy enough with Thai food.
I've had some good food in China. But the only good food in Shanghai was in a Japanese restaurant.
As to the sick mom thing, one of my Chinese friends had a mom with lung cancer. I wonder if it's related to those mosquito coil things.
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 9:34 am
by ethan_sg
Yeah and my friend's mum died of mad cow disease. I wonder if it was related to the way they feed cows in the UK.
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 6:37 am
by kai1275
xiongmao wrote:I need to post more photos of "real" Chinese food. i.e. the dusty noodles in the supermarket, and the bowls of bones the student canteen served.
I'm happy enough with Thai food.
I've had some good food in China. But the only good food in Shanghai was in a Japanese restaurant.
As to the sick mom thing, one of my Chinese friends had a mom with lung cancer. I wonder if it's related to those mosquito coil things.
Xiongmao, you are incredibly clueless on how to eat in China... It wont stop you from posting dumb stuff about it though.
Lung Cancer in China is because of 2 to 3 things:
1. The immese amount of mostly coal generated smog.
2. Cigarette smoking. (China has more cig smokers than anywhere else in the world)
3. Industrial/factory hazards.
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 6:38 am
by kai1275
ethan_sg wrote:I believe Magnum's American, Kai.
Sorry bout that. I think I may have gotten him mixed up with the other bloke from across the pond.
