Hello everyone. I stumbled across this site and forum today. After reading some of the material here I feel I am among kindred spirits. I am seeking knowledge and friendly words of wisdom as I am travelling to the Philippines for 2 1/2 weeks this September 2012 to meet my girlfriend who I met online a few months ago through International Cupid.
Let me step back to explain my situation to you - and will try not to make it too long
. I live in Sioux Falls, SD USA. I'm 40 years old, divorced in 2008 and have two amazing daughters, ages 12 and 11. I have a very strong relationship with them, with visitation custody and joint legal custody. I also spend a lot of time at their sports and extra-curricular events and coached my daughter's basketball team last year.
My ex (who remarried in 2010) and her family, as well as my dad and many relatives, live here in Sioux Falls or within an hour away from here. My children love it here and have a very strong support system. I also have a stable, well-paying job here that I am happy with. My kids are here and they're my top priority, so my gameplan is 100% to bring a fiance back here. I'm too committed to my daughters' future here to be an expat and leave the States.
Sioux Falls is a very family-oriented town, which is good. But it is so family-oriented to the point that most of the community is centered around family and church and there is very little of a singles scene here. The bar scene is full of bar flies and heavy smokers. Most of the local women on the various online dating sites (Match, Plenty of Fish, Zoosk) are re-treads I've seen online for years here, full of baggage, emotional problems, 200+ pounds, quite unattractive or other undesirable qualities. And I can't get a quality response to save my life despite the fact that I make more than 80K in a low cost of living area. I don't spend time in church except to watch my daughters at choir as I'm agnostic. Not going to stoop so low to pretend to be something I'm not in that regard. Perhaps in a larger metropolitan area or the southern US where people are more social, I would have better luck, but that's probably splitting hairs.
So I've been telling people that, as the saying goes, "The definition of insanity is trying the same thing and expecting different results". I feel I am going to reach that insanity point before long with regard to local dating and I don't want to be alone for the full duration of my 40's. My oldest daughter is perceptive, and even she can sense my personal loneliness and discontent. I am serious about meeting my future wife and making a lifelong commitment to a quality woman. I don't want to play games in bars or a dating scene I don't like - and for that matter I quit drinking in 2009. I have done so much to clean up my body and mind and change my life for the better ... and it seems not to matter to the women here. In fact, it seems to turn them off all the more! I've grown sick of the militant single moms who talk out of both sides of their mouth ... "There are no good men, I wish I could find someone" they will say and then anytime you try to court them they play the victim card of being a single mom who can't trust or get over their insecurities. I had an epiphany and finally came to understand that perhaps I wasn't the problem, that the women were the problem. The solution to finding better women was to vanquish my fear of long-distance relationships and look remotely. As Dr. Robert Glover (No More Mr. Nice Guy) has said - "Go to where the women are".
To those who might doubt my seriousness in looking for marriage and wonder if I'm just wanting a big sex bender overseas instead, I would tell you that I've sown my wild oats when my divorce was going on in 2007-2008 in Omaha, NE, having casual sex and hiring escorts in a wild and inebriated time in my life. I even tried to seduce some married women online, but luckily nothing came of those contacts. I've matured a lot since then and in hindsight I really regret the pursuit of the women who were married as I really acted without integrity in that regard. 2008 was my year from hell - my divorce drug out, my soon-to-be-ex had me by the throat financially with a temporary decree, I got downsized at my job, totalled my car, lost 8K on the house sale and my brother died. A trip to a supposedly "Third World" country for a woman I have yet to meet in person is not going to petrify me.
I agree wholeheartedly with what I've read on HappierAbroad today and would like to add a short story - a few months ago while I was starting my foray into international dating and I lucked into a pretty blonde's phone number while visiting an old friend at the bar, partially because my confidence was at an all-time high talking to women in the Philippines. Well ... after she backed out of our lunch date for the third straight time at the last minute because she had to "work through lunch", I sent her a text message to "go back to her conceited and worthless life and delete my phone number". It very well will likely be the last dating interaction I'll ever have with an American woman. Good riddance and pretty apropos to the audience here I'm sure too.
Back to the real story ... after some initial investigation of other international dating sites, some of which are pricy if not a ripoff, I decided to go with internationalcupid.com. The results were amazing. The willingness of attractive and available women to chat, email, webcam and give me their phone numbers is astounding. I settled on the Phillipines because pinays are beautiful, plentiful and English-speaking. I want a woman who can communicate with me and my children.
I value honesty, integrity and a straight-forward approach and I feel that these are my strengths as a person. And now, I feel for the first time in my life that these attributes are actually worthwhile and respected by women in a dating environment, as so many of you have also undoubtedly seen. I stated that I am looking for marriage and willing to consider women that are single or have one younger child. The scams and deceivers seem to be at a minimum on Cupid compared to American dating sites, to say the least. At least 50% of the profiles seem legit, if not much more.
After a few weeks online, chatting with many women, I began to chat with a beautiful 21-year old woman from Mindoro. There is a special connection between us and in my heart and mind there is her and then there is everyone else. She could very easily be the best thing that ever happened to me and if I didn't give myself the chance to meet her, it would be a great and long-lasting regret.
I had booked a trip to the Phillipines as I had already developed an ongoing rapport with several wonderful women. But the girl Mindoro continued to set herself apart in ways I could not imagine, so I asked her to be my exclusive girlfriend and from then on I've limited my trip to her. I have contingency plans but I dearly hope I don't have to use them. At this point I've obtained my visa, bought an engagement ring and setup hotel reservations. I had a come-to-Jesus talk with my dad and step-mom about the trip and I think I sent the message to them that my intentions are noble and serious. I've conquered every obstacle in my way so far to make this journey and will continue to do so.
If an engagement happens, I am looking into using FilAm (http://k1-fiance-visa.com/
) service for navigating the craziness of visa and USCIS. They seem to be a reputable and personal service, and one that is focused on my goals. Do they come highly recommended here?
Anyway, in summary, I would like to say thank you for having me on this forum and I also look forward to reading a lot and chiming in here. This journey overseas seems more fruitful if I can both seek the help of other like-minded men and also help others wherever I'm needed.
Last edited by noog
on July 26th, 2012, 5:12 am, edited 1 time in total.