Happier Abroad Forum Community

Hello everyone. I stumbled across this site and forum today. After reading some of the material here I feel I am among kindred spirits. I am seeking knowledge and friendly words of wisdom as I am travelling to the Philippines for 2 1/2 weeks this September 2012 to meet my girlfriend who I met online a few months ago through International Cupid.

Let me step back to explain my situation to you - and will try not to make it too long . I live in Sioux Falls, SD USA. I'm 40 years old, divorced in 2008 and have two amazing daughters, ages 12 and 11. I have a very strong relationship with them, with visitation custody and joint legal custody. I also spend a lot of time at their sports and extra-curricular events and coached my daughter's basketball team last year.

My ex (who remarried in 2010) and her family, as well as my dad and many relatives, live here in Sioux Falls or within an hour away from here. My children love it here and have a very strong support system. I also have a stable, well-paying job here that I am happy with. My kids are here and they're my top priority, so my gameplan is 100% to bring a fiance back here. I'm too committed to my daughters' future here to be an expat and leave the States.

Sioux Falls is a very family-oriented town, which is good. But it is so family-oriented to the point that most of the community is centered around family and church and there is very little of a singles scene here. The bar scene is full of bar flies and heavy smokers. Most of the local women on the various online dating sites (Match, Plenty of Fish, Zoosk) are re-treads I've seen online for years here, full of baggage, emotional problems, 200+ pounds, quite unattractive or other undesirable qualities. And I can't get a quality response to save my life despite the fact that I make more than 80K in a low cost of living area. I don't spend time in church except to watch my daughters at choir as I'm agnostic. Not going to stoop so low to pretend to be something I'm not in that regard. Perhaps in a larger metropolitan area or the southern US where people are more social, I would have better luck, but that's probably splitting hairs.

So I've been telling people that, as the saying goes, "The definition of insanity is trying the same thing and expecting different results". I feel I am going to reach that insanity point before long with regard to local dating and I don't want to be alone for the full duration of my 40's. My oldest daughter is perceptive, and even she can sense my personal loneliness and discontent. I am serious about meeting my future wife and making a lifelong commitment to a quality woman. I don't want to play games in bars or a dating scene I don't like - and for that matter I quit drinking in 2009. I have done so much to clean up my body and mind and change my life for the better ... and it seems not to matter to the women here. In fact, it seems to turn them off all the more! I've grown sick of the militant single moms who talk out of both sides of their mouth ... "There are no good men, I wish I could find someone" they will say and then anytime you try to court them they play the victim card of being a single mom who can't trust or get over their insecurities. I had an epiphany and finally came to understand that perhaps I wasn't the problem, that the women were the problem. The solution to finding better women was to vanquish my fear of long-distance relationships and look remotely. As Dr. Robert Glover (No More Mr. Nice Guy) has said - "Go to where the women are".

To those who might doubt my seriousness in looking for marriage and wonder if I'm just wanting a big sex bender overseas instead, I would tell you that I've sown my wild oats when my divorce was going on in 2007-2008 in Omaha, NE, having casual sex and hiring escorts in a wild and inebriated time in my life. I even tried to seduce some married women online, but luckily nothing came of those contacts. I've matured a lot since then and in hindsight I really regret the pursuit of the women who were married as I really acted without integrity in that regard. 2008 was my year from hell - my divorce drug out, my soon-to-be-ex had me by the throat financially with a temporary decree, I got downsized at my job, totalled my car, lost 8K on the house sale and my brother died. A trip to a supposedly "Third World" country for a woman I have yet to meet in person is not going to petrify me.

I agree wholeheartedly with what I've read on HappierAbroad today and would like to add a short story - a few months ago while I was starting my foray into international dating and I lucked into a pretty blonde's phone number while visiting an old friend at the bar, partially because my confidence was at an all-time high talking to women in the Philippines. Well ... after she backed out of our lunch date for the third straight time at the last minute because she had to "work through lunch", I sent her a text message to "go back to her conceited and worthless life and delete my phone number". It very well will likely be the last dating interaction I'll ever have with an American woman. Good riddance and pretty apropos to the audience here I'm sure too.

Back to the real story ... after some initial investigation of other international dating sites, some of which are pricy if not a ripoff, I decided to go with internationalcupid.com. The results were amazing. The willingness of attractive and available women to chat, email, webcam and give me their phone numbers is astounding. I settled on the Phillipines because pinays are beautiful, plentiful and English-speaking. I want a woman who can communicate with me and my children.

I value honesty, integrity and a straight-forward approach and I feel that these are my strengths as a person. And now, I feel for the first time in my life that these attributes are actually worthwhile and respected by women in a dating environment, as so many of you have also undoubtedly seen. I stated that I am looking for marriage and willing to consider women that are single or have one younger child. The scams and deceivers seem to be at a minimum on Cupid compared to American dating sites, to say the least. At least 50% of the profiles seem legit, if not much more.

After a few weeks online, chatting with many women, I began to chat with a beautiful 21-year old woman from Mindoro. There is a special connection between us and in my heart and mind there is her and then there is everyone else. She could very easily be the best thing that ever happened to me and if I didn't give myself the chance to meet her, it would be a great and long-lasting regret.
I had booked a trip to the Phillipines as I had already developed an ongoing rapport with several wonderful women. But the girl Mindoro continued to set herself apart in ways I could not imagine, so I asked her to be my exclusive girlfriend and from then on I've limited my trip to her. I have contingency plans but I dearly hope I don't have to use them. At this point I've obtained my visa, bought an engagement ring and setup hotel reservations. I had a come-to-Jesus talk with my dad and step-mom about the trip and I think I sent the message to them that my intentions are noble and serious. I've conquered every obstacle in my way so far to make this journey and will continue to do so.

If an engagement happens, I am looking into using FilAm (http://k1-fiance-visa.com/) service for navigating the craziness of visa and USCIS. They seem to be a reputable and personal service, and one that is focused on my goals. Do they come highly recommended here?

Anyway, in summary, I would like to say thank you for having me on this forum and I also look forward to reading a lot and chiming in here. This journey overseas seems more fruitful if I can both seek the help of other like-minded men and also help others wherever I'm needed.

P.S. - I also ready Larry Elterman's book "Guide To Life and Love in the Philippines", good read and I recommend it.

Hi noog,

Wow, we're the same age, although I've never been married.

Yes Pinays are good, but just bear in mind that the Cupid sites aren't that good at keeping out the scammers. I'm not even convinced their scammer spotting tools are as sophisticated as mine are now. You should be OK though, as Pinays are more interested in marrying younger guys than scamming them.

I'm worried your letting your girl dictate your life - that's risky for a man. And always have a reserve lady or two just in case.

Don't underestimate what a huge thing it is to go to Asia and meet a lady though. Nothing you've ever done in your life will be as huge as this.

Welcome onboard! I'm sure you will enjoy your trip to the philippines but I urge you not to get too serious with the first girl you've known, specially if its been online. A much better thing to do is go visit here and a few more, meet some more while on the ground, until you meet a truly great one. Get to know her over time and if you still feel after a while that she's truly a great girl and not just after your money/passport, then by all means. But do not rush it! Remember that and have a fun trip.

Well, you came to the right place. The problem with dating young women is you don't always know what your getting sometimes, their still immature, lack experience, sound judgement and life skills. There's a lot of scammers in the Philippines so you need to have your guard up at all times. If your Filipina or her family wants to eat out every night instead of cooking at home to save money I would get rid of her immediately, eating out once a week is normal. If you give your Filipina some money and she still has some left a week later that's a good sign. Most importantly, always trust your gut instinct. If for any reason, you feel uneasy about her, get rid of her, you can find a new girlfriend in an hour.

Thanks for the feedback. So far we've established boundaries with regards to money. If she asks or her family asks I have the right to say No and she has respected it, with no passive-aggressive games. I believe this one is a keeper or I wouldn't have chosen her . Perhaps having pre-teen daughters has given me some fortitude to saying No to women when needed (though not saying it's easy).

I'm pretty confident it won't be necessary, but if I get to the Philippines and her or her family starts getting nasty or overtly greedy or deceptive toward me, I do have other filipinas that I have talked to quite a bit online and confident they are a good fit for me and then can see after meeting if getting serious with them is the right thing.

Taco, you are right about the age difference. It can pose additional problems and I will need to stay attuned to her behavior and remember that I once was 21 and some of the growth processes that I and my ex-wife had to go through. Having a good relationship is going to be vital especially because of the cultural and age differences and I have a strong desire to be there for her like no one before her.

noog wrote:Thanks for the feedback. So far we've established boundaries with regards to money. If she asks or her family asks I have the right to say No and she has respected it, with no passive-aggressive games. I believe this one is a keeper or I wouldn't have chosen her . Perhaps having pre-teen daughters has given me some fortitude to saying No to women when needed (though not saying it's easy).

I'm pretty confident it won't be necessary, but if I get to the Philippines and her or her family starts getting nasty or overtly greedy or deceptive toward me, I do have other filipinas that I have talked to quite a bit online and confident they are a good fit for me and then can see after meeting if getting serious with them is the right thing.

Taco, you are right about the age difference. It can pose additional problems and I will need to stay attuned to her behavior and remember that I once was 21 and some of the growth processes that I and my ex-wife had to go through. Having a good relationship is going to be vital especially because of the cultural and age differences and I have a strong desire to be there for her like no one before her.

I'm one of the guys here who is married to a filipina. If you do get serious with her, do try to get a feel of how much money will be sent back home each month. Anything more than $300 per month IMHO is too much. My wife came from a middle class family but her father died so we do chip in $200 per month to help her mother out. This is reasonable and it comes out of my wife's salary. But you are the one who controls the pocketbook - not her. Be firm and make sure that the small monthly stipend will not vary ie it won't go up because cousin Raul needs a new motorcycle or nephew George got his gf pregnant.

Once they know the boundries, everything will be good.

Good luck! Really hope it works out well for you. They're awesome if you get a good one.

Wow great story. I know a lot of guys that got divorced in 2008 because of the financial collapse. When the going gets tough American women have shown their true colors that they are the first to throw up the white flag and jump ship.

May I ask where you really happy with your exwife? Or do you find this experience more pleasant? What made you decide on a pinay?

That is very good advice Pete. I think it's also best to agree on a budget for sending money back home. When she eventually works in the US we can look into increasing the amount of money sent home. That will give her extra incentive to work here too.

@eurobrat - My marriage was already on the brink and dying in 2006 and 2007. I moved out in Sept 2007. So in my case the divorce was just a case of bad timing with regard to the financial collapse.

With my ex-wife, I see in hindsight that I didn't get married for the right reasons. My mom had passed in 1993 and my dad remarried in 1995. She was a friend and co-worker I grew closer to, not someone I was attracted to from the get-go. I believe I settled and married out of "need", not "want". I wasn't checked into the marriage the way I should have been and she became more insecure, controlling and judgmental throughout the marriage. I could go in more detail about the problems in our marriage, but the important thing is that my feelings toward my pinay girlfriend are quite different. I'm very attracted to her and I "want" her more than I "need" her, which is a great feeling. If it's not love at first sight between us, then it's something very close to it.

I had briefly considered Russian/Ukranian women but I really didn't want to deal with the language barrier back home, especially because of my daughters. Pinays, and especially my girlfriend, really appeal to me because of the ability to trust, be sincere and be more transparent. Nothing bothers me more than when a woman expects me to read her mind continually. Pinays seem straight-forward and ready to love whereas American women have a lot of defenses and let fear dictate their actions. It's hard to have emotional intimacy and open up if a woman won't take you at face value. Doesn't seem like this is a problem with many pinays.

....

You seem like a good guy. I will say this: do not propose to this woman. For the love of God, online contact for whatever amount of time + 2 weeks in person is nothing - you shouldn't even be thinking about marriage. By Southeast Asian dating standards, you are still very young and have plenty of time. Take your time man.

The amount of recently-divorced/burned guys I run into rushing to get remarried is absolutely astonishing.

CannedHam wrote:You seem like a good guy. I will say this: do not propose to this woman. For the love of God, online contact for whatever amount of time + 2 weeks in person is nothing - you shouldn't even be thinking about marriage. By Southeast Asian dating standards, you are still very young and have plenty of time. Take your time man.

The amount of recently-divorced/burned guys I run into rushing to get remarried is absolutely astonishing.

The depth of love that a man on the rebound feels, is astonishing. I think the OP is on the right track, but should take your advice on this.

noog wrote:Thanks for the feedback. So far we've established boundaries with regards to money. If she asks or her family asks I have the right to say No and she has respected it, with no passive-aggressive games. I believe this one is a keeper or I wouldn't have chosen her . Perhaps having pre-teen daughters has given me some fortitude to saying No to women when needed (though not saying it's easy).

I'm pretty confident it won't be necessary, but if I get to the Philippines and her or her family starts getting nasty or overtly greedy or deceptive toward me, I do have other filipinas that I have talked to quite a bit online and confident they are a good fit for me and then can see after meeting if getting serious with them is the right thing.

I challenge you to go ahead and set coffee dates with the other women too, now, upfront. Out of respect for your intended, go ahead and make sure she's "the one".

As you know from raising your daughters, young women understand and like competition.

Oh, and Godspeed. You are on the right track overall.

I challenge you to go ahead and set coffee dates with the other women too, now, upfront. Out of respect for your intended, go ahead and make sure she's "the one".

As you know from raising your daughters, young women understand and like competition.

I appreciate the concern, but it's less than a week until I leave and it's a little late in the game to change course.

My competition phase ended a few months ago, when I made my choice of which woman I wanted to pursue from the many great filipinas I met online. With my limited timeframe, I decided to settle on making plans with only one woman, and bring the numbers and contact info of a few others just in case. Either my girlfriend and I get more serious after meeting as we hope, or we run into problems and break it off. If there are problems, then I see if there is time left to visit one of my other choices.

I'm at peace with whatever happens because whatever the result is then it was meant to be. I'm not going to be gun-shy about proposing to a woman though if I feel we're right for each other ... I may not be that old but life is short and we're not getting any younger.

I'm at peace with whatever happens because whatever the result is then it was meant to be. I'm not going to be gun-shy about proposing to a woman though if I feel we're right for each other ... I may not be that old but life is short and we're not getting any younger.

This is almost painful to read.

I really do wish you all the best with this trip and lady.