A problem with my Filipina....

[DaRick]

Guys,

I've been ruminating over what to do with regards to my Filipina.

She is in serious financial trouble; the daughter of a widow and having a 13 year old step-sister to boot (her father is nowhere to be seen). Now she is in the position where she cannot even pay her electricity bills (she will not let her mother work because of recent back problems).

The problem is, whilst I can support her emotionally, I cannot support her financially - not yet. I'm still studying full-time and will not be able to support her properly for at least six months.

It's become all too obvious to me that she needs a provider to love. In a way, me being in a relationship with her has caused her current problems, because I cannot support her very much financially yet. So I concluded that it was best to let her go. I do not feel great about it - in fact, I feel terrible - but I care about her very much. Sitting on my hands while she struggles without any outside help would be selfish on my part.

She was (understandably) hurt about it, inferring that I was a liar who thought she was a gold-digger (not true; I never thought that). What I wrote in blue:

"Joy,

I want to start by saying that I do not blame you personally for your current problems or for my decision. You are a great girl who can make any man very happy. You're pretty, you're intelligent (you have a degree and can speak several languages) and you're the most unselfish girl I have ever met.

It has though, become depressingly evident that you need somebody who will be able to provide for you now, based on what you have told me. Alas, I am not that person. I'm still much too dependent financially.

In a way, I have been the cause of many of your problems, by maintaining a relationship with you even when you were in dire financial trouble. I am deeply sorry for that. Therefore, the biggest gift I can give you now is...the license to seek a provider - he must be a good man, of course.

I feel an incomprehensible remorse and sadness as I type this - I cannot think of how you would feel upon first reading this. Still, do not feel sad - I want to help you and this is the only way I really know how. So do not blame yourself for my decisions - they are mine and mine alone (and no, I do not want any Australian girls).

Remember, you are a special, unique, outstanding girl - better than I am as a boy (or man). I hope you find somebody worthy of you. If you do not wish to talk with me after this, I will not blame you.

Love,

Rick"

Her response:

"rick

you know what when i was reading your email my tears cant stop by falling i feel so upset because in this time that i need you the most you left me, this is the only i can tell to you i dont need somebody to use just to solve my own problem im not that kind of girl that because i have a problem i will use someone to solve it. this my problem why should i need to pass this to other.. u dont know what my life here. but do i ask u for help? yes. i always told u for my problem but it doesnt mean that i ask for help. im just telling u my problem just because i just want someone to listen but it doesnt mean im asking for help.

but now that i know.. i am right? remember what ive told u before that u will left me sooner or later now. it happen. its really hurt rick so much hurt. im sorry but im not the kind of the girl you think i am. im not a USER i cannot take my conscience to use somebody because even if we are poor my mom is always teaching me not to use any body, respect anybody, treat others nicely even if they are not treat me nice. thanks for everything, but i will not follow your suggestion thanks for hurting me so much and for letting me down. u know how much i love you u never know i can sacrifice just to be online every night. thanks for everything rick i will never forget you and your family to. someday i will find you and your family to. just to return all your help. even if its really hurt i will letting you go if that wat you wish. im sorry for being burden to you.



sometimes no matter how hard you try to be enough for someone, if that someone don't feel contented having you, you're still WORTHLESS. "


My response:

Joy,

I can still support you emotionally - but I'm afraid you do need financial support from your long-term partner. Unfortunately, I cannot provide you with it, yet.

I do not know what else I can possibly do to help you, but holding onto you when you need serious outside financial help would be very selfish on my part. I have to think about your interests - not just my own. I do not want to let you go - I feel horrible just writing this (and I know you feel just the same reading it) - but I feel that you would benefit more without me than with me.

I do not think you are a user - any money I did send you was sent out of my own volition. You never asked for anything, so there is no need to blame yourself for my choices. It is not your fault, honestly. It is not a matter of contentment with you - my feelings towards you personally haven't changed...and you are not worthless - but I cannot honestly feel contentment if I let somebody I deeply care about suffer just to be with me. How can I sit by idly when you can't even pay the bills anymore?

I'm not encouraging you to use anybody. As before, you still need to love the person - but in your situation, the person needs to be able to support you. It sounds cynical, but life can suck.

You've done the right thing by telling me these problems; it allows me to act.

There is no need to feel inferior, Joy, as I said. You're a better person than I am - you've fought through so much. You're not a burden - you've enriched my life simply by being in it and so I only make these sorts of choices with you in mind. I certainly don't benefit.

You don't need to repay me personally.
Love,

Rick

Hers:

do you think that i need somebody? just to support me financially? and did you think how much i love u? maybe not because u never think if it is good for me. its not good for me rick, because you are the reason why i still stand despite of all of my problem here. maybe u never thought about that because u choose to hurt me, u'll never think if what if u tell me about that it will make me happy or u just hurt me. rick u are all i need not any one i dont need anybody, its really feel sad that u choose to hurt me and at the same time u will leave me.. double purpose its really deeply hurt rick will thanks for hurting me. this time, ive learn that all american guy is lier, and they always hurting me again in again, this is the last time i will be inlove with american guy. thanks for really hurting me, goodbye

She is obviously writing out of emotion, but do you think I made the right call (I am not an American, but that's not really important)? Or was I mistaken? Will she get over it? Will she find somebody else? I never said that I would stop talking to her; I just thought I wasn't the right person for her over the long-term.

(I never really did think, despite her feelings for me, that she trusted me. She once thought I fell for somebody else - not true, either - and I had to persuade her over a couple of days.)

[ladislav]

1) All white people are Americans in the Philippines.
2) Do not get involved if you have no money to spare for basic things and are unwilling to support young Filipinas.
3) Women are mostly emotional creatures; Filipinas are even more so. Using logic is generally futile.

[DaRick]

1) All white people are Americans in the Philippines.
2) Do not get involved if you have no money to spare for basic things and are unwilling to support young Filipinas.
3) Women are mostly emotional creatures; Filipinas are even more so. Using logic is generally futile.

I cannot support her family now (soon, yes). Initially, her financial problems were not readily apparent (the middle classes do not generally have those sorts of problems, from what I have been able to discern; none of the other Filipinas I initially spoke to appeared to - even the ones from Mindanao had computers at home and the like, whereas this girl does not).

Is there nothing more I can do?

[momopi]

Like the title of Rush's live stage album "Exit Stage Left" says, take your exit graciously and let someone else support her financially.



Next time, before you get involved in similar situations, make sure that you have the financial means to do so. There's plenty of fish in the ocean, this girl is not the first, nor will she be the last.

[DaRick]

She did say that she would never date 'American's' after me: is she serious? Does it matter?

[MrPeabody]

I think that younger men should seriously consider a country other than the Philippines. From what I have been told, the Philippines basically doesn't have a middle class. If you are a younger man and present yourself as a decent person, you are very marketable in many countries outside the US. For example, Thailand does have a middle class. Also, Colombia has a middle class. Having to support someone's family is not very romantic, and if you are young, there is no reason for you to deal with this (plus you can't afford it).

[pete98146]

DaRick,

You've learned a very good lesson however you should not swear off filipinas forever. BUT and it's a big BUT, don't get involved with one unless you are willing to part with $200-$300 per month. Even if she didn't have bills coming out of her nostrils, she would be asking for this money to send back home for her parents. In other words regardless of the filipina it's always gonna be something that will require small-medium amounts of money.

The other guys are right, don't get involved with one until this money is easily available to you. The other option is to bring back a filipina who can be gainfully employed back in your home town. This way SHE works and pays the money out of her pay check.

This is what me and my wife do. She works as a dental assistant and makes fairly good money. Sending $300 a month back to her parents is not a big burden for us.

[DaRick]

Well, it seems that she still wants to contact me.

My mother argued that if she wanted a provider, she would find one and was dating me based on personality alone. I was trying to be more pragmatic; her financial problems mean that she is probably better off with a provider than with me. On the other hand, she does not appear to care about her own needs as much as I care about them.

So what should I do?

[Ace_Lightning]

From what I have read,

1. Your mum is correct, she is dating you on personality alone

2. She is in love with you

3. Having somebody to talk to is more important to her than financial security

Not being able to support her financially may not be as bad as you think, not being able to support her emotionally is much worse for her.

[Winston]

DaRick,
Have you even met this person? If not, don't commit to her or to supporting her. You don't really know her until you meet her. Until then, anything she says could be a lie, since to many of them, lying and breathing are the same thing. There is no immorality in it, nor any dishonor. They are leeches, plain and simple.

You can find other poor Filipinas who do not need support cause their families help each other. Just cause you date a poor Filipina doesn't mean you have to support her family or give her an allowance.

Even if you could afford to support her family, WHY would you want to? You don't owe her family shit. And you need to save for YOUR future as well. Why compromise yourself to support shameless leeches like that? It makes NO SENSE. You can find Filipinas who don't need support. Trust me.

My girlfriend's family is poor and have no cash to spare, not even for McDonalds. Yet I don't support them, and that's fine. Before, I gave Dianne 1000p a week and she was satisfied with that for some reason. Deep down I know I don't owe them anything, and I need to save my money for my needs and goals. There is nothing wrong with that. They've accepted it.

Now, her family works and have their own jobs and lives.

Remember, the bottom line is that you don't owe them anything. Don't let them use you like shameless leeches. They survived before they met you, and will survive again. There are billions of people who are poor and starving, but you can't do anything about it. You gotta take care of yourself and your real family, or else those lower than you will bring you down.

If you start making money soon, you gotta save it so you can live overseas and become an expat with means. You can't let leeches ruin all that.

Why are people so dumb as to give away all their money like that? It's far more logical and efficient to save your money in the bank, not waste it. Why are so many foreigners so stupid? When foreigners splurge and show that they love to waste money, it gives them expectations and makes Filipinos think that all of us are like that. Think. Use your head.

[walrusface]

DaRick,
Have you even met this person? If not, don't commit to her or to supporting her. You don't really know her until you meet her. Until then, anything she says could be a lie, since to many of them, lying and breathing are the same thing. There is no immorality in it, nor any dishonor. They are leeches, plain and simple.

You can find other poor Filipinas who do not need support cause their families help each other. Just cause you date a poor Filipina doesn't mean you have to support her family or give her an allowance.

Even if you could afford to support her family, WHY would you want to? You don't owe her family shit. And you need to save for YOUR future as well. Why compromise yourself to support shameless leeches like that? It makes NO SENSE. You can find Filipinas who don't need support. Trust me.

Why are people so dumb as to give away all their money like that? It's far more logical and efficient to save your money in the bank, not waste it. Why are so many foreigners so stupid? When foreigners splurge and show that they love to waste money, it gives them expectations and makes Filipinos think that all of us are like that. Think. Use your head.

This is exactly what I was thinking. I don't really know what it is that makes some men think that the moment they are in a relationship, they suddenly have to provide some kind of private income for them. There are so many Filipina scammers and this could be just another one of them. When they keep going on about money issues it is a big danger sign. If one of them expected me to support them or their family I would in no uncertain terms tell them to get f***ed and move on to the next one haha

[DaRick]

Thanks for all of the advice, guys.

Sorry I haven't checked this until very recently.

[DaRick]

Well, it is finally over between us, after some attempted reconciliation and a prolonged absence on her part (holidaying). She took offense when I admitted that I was uncomfortable with the fact that she only believed in love because of me (partially because of how I could influence somebody like that and partially because that's not really a healthy attitude to take to relationships). She thought that I was offended with her loving me (although I stressed that I wasn't) and promptly said she wouldn't speak to me anymore.

Looking back, she kept doing that: asking awkward, repetitive questions about our relationship and then twisting my answers and creating tension between us. She did that repeatedly. For instance, she often asked me about other Filipina girls (despite the fact that I repeatedly stated that hadn't spoken to any aside from her since December) and whether I would fall in love with an Australian girl (no chance). She also often questioned whether I loved her, whilst she libeled me in the above letters (calling me a liar).

In the end, I was treading on eggshells. I don't know why she was so insecure; no other Filipina was as bad as she was. Perhaps it stems from the lack of a stable father figure in her life (abandonment issues). Perhaps she was (like many Filipinas) simply emotionally immature.

I am glad that things are over between us, but am I at fault here? Or is she?

[pete98146]

I am glad that things are over between us, but am I at fault here? Or is she?

Why ask why Rick? Seems like it's water under the bridge by now. I'll apologize in advance for the repeated lectures on dating educated filipinas but usually the gap in maturity between your nice uneducated filipina sweety vs. the polished filipina with the 4 year degree is the size of the Grand Canyon. These differences are even more pronounced over in Philippines.

So what is next for you Rick?

[NorthAmericanguy]

I think that younger men should seriously consider a country other than the Philippines. From what I have been told, the Philippines basically doesn't have a middle class. If you are a younger man and present yourself as a decent person, you are very marketable in many countries outside the US. For example, Thailand does have a middle class. Also, Colombia has a middle class. Having to support someone's family is not very romantic, and if you are young, there is no reason for you to deal with this (plus you can't afford it).

Good info.