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Just your thoughts... i know some of us here would cringe at the idea of dating/courting a single mom with children. But then again... perhaps there is some success stories out there somewhere. I recently came out of a relationship with a single mom from philippines, but i ended cause i only found out about the kids 6 months in, but she never asked for money... but sadly, i dont like liers, hence i broke it up.
Someone else tell there story or advice about this type of women?
Okay guys and gals, thanks for the advice, it seems perhaps it would be prudent of me to explain in a nutshell my case. Currently i just bork eup with a 33 year old filipina who i have yet to see about 1 month ago.
Yet she is very persistent in trying to win me back, even as going so far to cancel her plans to go to singapore for me and buying me gifts which i had already recieved.
All of this stemmed from the fact that she withheld helf from me the duration of our six month relationship that she had 2 kids, ages 9 and 10 and was keeping other secrets. According to her she was waiting for "the right time" to tell me about all of this. Naturally, i was shocked and i broke up the relationship cause that was not the only thing she lied to me on.
Regardless here are the facts about her:
*She is 33 years old and living in Malabon
*had 2 kids a boy and girl ages 9 and 10
*Her income, get this... is much higher than me
*owns a house, car bike and other things
*Sends her kids to private school
*the father of the kids still occasionaly pops buy
*And also sleeps with the kids sometimes
*Works as secretary for many years
Thoee are the basics, oddly i can agree that she is sort of more open in some regards, as she has showed me things about her that i was unexpected, i guess she is "horny" hehe. But with that aside, lots of other things that worry me so i did break it up... she is still there however if i want to go back.
What do you guys think or suggest? Stay or Run?
Last edited by lionchild on Wed Sep 07, 2011 10:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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My opinion is, if you can accept the child as your own, knowing its not your blood and that you will always come second to the child, sure.
I would never EVER date a single mother, even if I loved her. I would even go so far as to say if I started falling in love with her I would cut ties before it go so far I was inclined to want to make things permanent.
My opinion is, if they have a child, you have a extra financial burden right off the bat, you have to deal with extra emotional issues, and you never know if she's going to bring up drama from the past with whoever the other guy is.
But your speaking to a man who likes to date virgins only, so my views are a bit detached from your own.
No, I would not have a problem dating single moms except that the women and the child have to be the same race as me. If not, it would kind of look weird if you are an Asian father dating a White single mother with a half black/white child. Same goes if the child is white and I'm not. Not that I'm racist, its just that I wouldn't feel comfortable dating someone like that. I would rather just date someone of my own race if they are a single mom with a child.
Filipina single moms are the only single moms that I would consider dating, as dateable women there very underated. Most of them were abandoned by there husbands and boyfriends and not the other way around. In the philippines single moms have no chance of getting married so its understandable why your filipina tried to keep her child hidden from you. Also, most of the them are extremely horny!
The problem I would have with a single mom is, that it is like being scammed. I mean, she would eventually want you to treat her child as your own. So you would be responsible for helping raise the child of some other guy, who is probably a jerk. So you are then helping in the reproductive success of some jerk scumbag who is going around impregnating women and leaving them. So I CAN NOT STAND the idea of having to raise some other guys kid. I would rather stay alone than be scammed.
Rule #1: Don't date single mothers.
Rule #2: For older men only: If her kid is 18 or close to it, you can ignore rule #1 on case by case basis.
If you're Muslim, and you want to marry your brother or cousin's widow as your wife #2 or #3 so you can look after her and her children, then you can ignore the above.
Momopi, the only women I've seen with young adult children (18-19) are FSU (and American for that matter) women that had children back when I was in High School (Class of '88). My homie's son was just drafted by the Eagles... He's 23, had him at 16. Teenage Pregnancy is not as bad in FSU as it is in America or in some parts of the UK but it still happens.
Those women will be in their mid to late 30's, early 40's. Some times attractive still but NEGATIVE on dating them. Case in point, I said in the other thread I started, I contacted a 39 year old woman who was very attractive German lady. Turns out she has 3 adult aged children, divorced and wants a relationship (these women get overlooked of course as I have been saying) but can't have any more children because she had her tubes tied with the last child.
So women over a certain age for me is a Non-Starter, my experiment proves its only for guys not interested in having children of their own. She's still a Single Mother however.
I have dated single mothers before but they were never high quality and high quality single mothers are hard to come by. In countries like Germany with a dual track education system, she's going to come out with a skill or a degree with a high paying job. Because of the children they usually opt for vocational school, just like women do here.
Many Hollywood Actresses have been Single Mothers at some point, I think Halley Berry is one now... Sandra Bullock is another, she adopted.
Anyway I would but as I have said before, I've put stipulations on it.
1) Limited to ONE CHILD
2) The child must be under age 5
3) You must be willing to have at least ONE more child, OURS!
4) The child's father is not involved.
Shockingly these are not hard to satisfy, but my current financial situation between now and 2014 are not going to be that good. If I were to enter the job market with only my A+ Certificate, I can only expect pay between $10-$14 an hour. Difficult to raise a child and buy a home all at the same time, if she were from another country which is where I would start. That said, you can find more than a few women in the UK and US that got knocked up at a young age. Making it possible to date women as young as 21, I know I've done it.
These women tend to have low paying jobs however and in America, frankly too picky even with a child and making less than 30K a year. Why? Because like in the UK, they get all sorts of help from the State and Federal Government. -
Women who are single mothers, are looking for a man to help them raise their kids. The problem with this is, her kids may not like you or even respect you. Also, her kids will always come ahead of you. The best piece of advice is to avoid single mothers like the plague!
"When I think about the idea of getting involved with an American woman, I don't know if I should laugh .............. or vomit!"
"Trying to meet women in America is like trying to decipher Egyptian hieroglyphics."
Back in the 1990's, I got started working for Fortune 500 companies because of OS/2 certification. At the time many ATM machines ran IBM OS/2 in the background, and very few people have OS/2 experience. I thought it'd be a good nitch and got certified, thinking that I'd be fixing ATM machines across the Western region. I did not have a 4-year college degree back then and only worked as a contractor. Yet, I found that large companies were willing to pay my head hunter $38-$40/hr for my contract (my cut was $22/hr). From that point onward I started my career in the corporate world, jumping from one system to another (NVDM/6000, IBM Tivoli, Altiris, etc).
A+ cert is a good starting foundation, My recommendation is to look into nitches that pay well and are less competitive (fewer people). Look into products such as Synamtec Altiris, HP Quality Center, Business Objects (Crystal Reports), etc. Look through Oracle's web site and search job boards to see which products are popular. CRM systems from Oracle and SAP are popular. Find your nitch and put yourself in the right place to make $$.
Here is something a poster wrote for the happy bachelor's website. I think that site is gone now, but the creator used to post here now and again. Please read!
The Rough Guide to Single Moms
Ã‚Â« Thread Started on Jan 25, 2009, 11:52am Ã‚Â»
Written by ZenKing. Reposted in this Happy Bachelor Forum page for everyone to read.
I thought I would set down a rough guide for men thinking about starting a relationship with a single mom and what some of the ramifications are of dating and entering into a deeper relationship with a single mom could be. Of course this guide does not apply to all women or all men but it will list the main problems I have observed through over the years.
Contrary to popular media-myth I have yet to meet a single mom who was career driven, carefree, balanced, happy; doing it all type gal as often portrayed in most media outlets. The reality I have seen over the years is usually a stressed out, overworked, debt stricken woman who really had no idea children cost so much in time, effort and money. Their careers are on hold as they need to balance their child with sickness, school activities versus moving up whatever career ladder they are on. Most single moms are raising their children with help of an extended family member (usually their mom), a bevy of friends and other single moms they find in support groups. It is usually not a pretty picture at all.
Somewhere along the way, usually quite quickly they come up with the idea that they need a partner to help them in their new enterprise of having a child and the sooner they can get one the better. Realizing they have a bit of a disadvantage with having a child and being in the dating scene they resort to several well known strategies to get a partner.
One of the first strategies is to engage men who do not have children of their own. This allows the woman to portray the semblance of having and raising a kid is easy and there will always be a balance between their relationship with their partner and their child. Sometimes they will portray themselves as helpless victims, victimized by an evil and absent father" they need saving and you can save them. Another popular scheme is to make themselves look accomplished and together by extending their debt to ridiculous levels to portray they are all right and dont really need a partner. There are quite a few more, but like I said, this is a rough guide.
One of the strategies is to involve the child with the prospective partner almost right away and foster a relationship between the man and her child. This allows a lot of leverage on several levels as time goes by. It allows for huge amount of guilt and shame if the man wants to break off the relationship, allows a bonding to take place that is hard to shuck off and other factorsÂ¦ You will hear phrases such as any man who loves me must love my children! etc..Â¦All designed to appeal to a mans sense of chivalry and protection. This hopefully facilitates a sense of belonging together and in the end marriage.
Most single men are unaware of what is going on when they start to date a single mom. It seems that the child is around, but it is pleasant, there is a clear distinction between adult and child time etc it seems actually for most men, not a bad time at all. This allows the single mom to get the man closer and farther into the relationship.
What is really going on is a shit-load of help from the single moms friends and other helpers. Tons of babysitting services, tips on dating, comparing notes and plans etc No matter what you see as a man there is something else going on, do not forget that. Her plan is to eventually get a partner one way or another. You are the prize and she is going to earn it.
One trait that seems to come to the forefront with most men who are dating single moms is just how wonderful a woman they really are. Most men cannot for the life of them figure out why another man would abandon a woman like her. It has been stated that single moms are more caring, compassionate, great lovers, excellent cooks, laugh at all your jokes etc they seem to be ideal mates.
What is actually going on is well planned and orchestrated strategies to get a man into a relationship. I dont know how many men have loudly complained that after marriage they were suddenly now doing most of the cooking, cleaning, and repairing around the house with zero time like they had before. I dont know how many have said it was like night and day after they moved in. The kind compassionate woman the men met had some how now been replaced by a truly different woman, it was like another personality type than the one they married. In short a single mom knows she has to work harder to get a man and she will work harder, but for many the act cannot last that long and the real woman reveals herself. Usually his occurs just after marriage.
A lot of men though go for it and involve themselves in marriage with a single mom and do not really know some of the problems they will encounter. Here is a short list of several common problems that begin to creep up:
1. Being a partner means you get to pay for half- if not more. I have noticed after marriage a single mom works at dizzying speed to make sure her mans name is on all of the bills. She also will usually demand money also for a huge amount of her child's expenses. It is also expressed as a part of loving her and showing it. I have seen men putting money away for college for a kid that's not his. Buying ridiculous amounts of brand name clothes, expensive homes etc all in an effort to be in a so-called family.
2. The Family you just got into is by invitation only. In most traditional marriages that produce children, the man, woman and child or children make up he basic family unit. In being a step- parent you are not the basic unit. The mother and child together are the basic unit. You are invited in and can be un-invited whenever mom feels it to be so. No matter what is said or mentioned before marriage, you will never come before her child. You will always be in a family and relationship where you come second, maybe third.
3. No matter what you think her ex is going to be there forever. In just about every case the child's father does not seem to be in the picture during the dating and courtship stage but seems to suddenly show up after. The reality is he was always there, your partner just never mentioned it. The father will most naturally want to have a relationship with his child and he is going to be quite involved most of the time. Just about every time you will be dragged into the endless bickering and fights they have and you will not be liked by him its only natural remember also be sure to take into account the grandparents, uncles and aunts and all the family functions you will be attending with him, his child, his ex (your partner) and his side of the family. Get used to being uncomfortable.
4. Her kid will most likely not like you very much. Let's face it you're sleeping with their mom and most of the time the child will see you as a roadblock to his parents getting back together. Most likely the mom has made you the giver of discipline in the relationship, being the man and all which results in the kid hating you. Or after watching the child run amok for weeks after you arrive you change juniors schedule to include some discipline and then you also hated even more. An amazing amount of men involved with single mothers report how the child hates them, but he can keep buying gifts to try to win their affection. Some call it the ATM effect of diminishing returns.
5. All that time you had together with your new love will end after marriage. The number one job of a single mom is simply to be a mom. She is not a party girl, hiker, camper, biker, clubber etc Just be prepared for a frontal assault on your time and money after marriage. You will find your weekdays taken up with homework, PTA meetings, suppers at home, and early bed times. Weekends will be the time for the child's extra-curricular activities and other activities. If a single man is wondering what happens ask any father of children how their time is spent, it will not be on hobbies. You will hear endlessly the phrase we are a family now and this is what a family does of course your idea on family will different, but it is her family and she will make the choices.
6. You will wonder what happened to all your money. Most men involved with a single mom report that their money seems to dry up. Children are expensive- expensive like most men have no idea. Between school supplies, clothing, vast amounts of food, babysitters if you ever want to go out, medications, fees, sports, supplies, toys and such well, there will be little left.
As a footnote there is also another ploy by some single moms that men also forget about. The child's father is paying for a lot of these things. Quite a few men have reported that their wife or girlfriend was getting them to pay for such things as sport fees, equipment, university funds, school supplies and such but at the same time getting the child's father to pay for these things also. Double billing, also called fraud, is quite common but it does allow the single mom to have almost zero expenses for her child as two men are now paying for juniors.
Another ploy that is quite horrific was a man whose wife owned a home and he moved in with her and her child. Although he fixed it up, paid half the mortgage and expenses- she had willed the home to her children. When confronted she said since she would be dead she did not care if he had a home or not, her child came first. So be careful with matters of money. Very careful.
7. You will never really be accepted. I have observed time and time again the heartbreak of a step parent as the child gets older. After putting them through school, providing a place to live, food, getting the child all kinds of gifts and honestly really caring about the child and such I keep hearing this one story over and over. The time comes for a grad or a wedding, the step parent thinks he might be lauded for his sacrifices but instead is shunted to a back seat or not invited as the child invites mom and dad to the party Â¦and thanks them for all their love and work. Usually there is not even an acknowledgement of effort.
8. You will now be part of the single moms network. Be prepared to help out all her buddies as they helped her out. Endless weekends and nights of babysitting the other single moms kids so that they too may date and get a man. You will also discover why 75% of all people in jail come from single mother households. Try not to have any expensive items around.
9. Now that the single mom is now married she will need to impress her single mom friends with her new found happiness. Her happiness will usually include a new home in a good neighborhood, new clothing, new items for the home, new car etc... there is an unwritten law it seems among a lot of single moms that they compete ruthlessly with their friends. If she does get married she needs to show them her new found prestige. Be prepared for huge new expenses.
10. You will have no time for errors. A lot of single men get involved with the single mom and her kids when the child is a bit older. Being inexperienced with children becomes a huge burden as the single man has no time to learn parenting skills and mistakes are not readily forgiven nor forgotten when a kid is 4 compared to 14.
11. You may think it ends, but it never does. I know many men whose single mom wife promised them a completely different life after junior turned 18 or so. At the beginning of the relationship it looked like just a few years and then total privacy and freedom. Then years later they found out that junior is going to go to university for 6 years after taking a gap year off and not worry about a job as he will live at home. After that the story usually is that the child gets married and has kids and needs a ton of babysitting services. The dream of trips abroad, moving to a nicer place etc..evaporates for most men. They just wind up being early grandparents. The other option that happens a lot is the girls have children early and stay at home. Not only is the man taking care of his wife's child he also has to care for her grandchild now!
12. You will have nothing to show for it. In the end when most men have their own children the work and effort is well worth it. The men did their best and raised a family, continued a line, get grandchildren etc... As a step-parent you have contributed as much but you have nothing. Nobody carries on your name and most men realize they are not even ever thanked for their sacrifice.
13. The legalities can kill you. There have been numerous cases where a man has divorced or left a single mom and then found himself liable financially for her child. Although not the father he will be responsible for child payments, extra fees and most certainly university far after they are 18 check the laws out, it's a raw deal. Couple that with some alimony and you get the whole effect of being a divorced and homeless dad with not one child of your own.
In the end women have asked for their freedom to make their own choices now for decades. I would advise all single men to let single moms make their choice of having a child by themselves and then live with it. Don't involve yourself with these women under any circumstances. It can be in many ways, the death of a man.
Well it's a rough guide and you were warned.
TruthVille's take: Generalizations can often be attacked for being too broad, but I've personally have seen most of this behavior myself. The other end of the spectrum is single mothers are victims of men, victims of a "cruel" society and victims of stereotyping. The "noble, self-sacrificing" single mother victim portrayed in today's media is a person I've rarely met. Besides, the government sure help these women raise their children, almost becoming the child's father in a sick, twisted kind of way.
Does anyone really think raising a child on your own is EVER a good thing? And yet, a lot of woman are choosing to do just that, and then whining/crying about how hard it is. No sympathy from me.
The notion that it takes "real" man to raise a child not biologically their own is so completely a product of feminist conditioning it's laughable. Is a women whom raises a child not biologically their own a real "women?" Why not?
momopi? I remember OS/2! Hell, I even remember the good old "token ring" network protocol! I used to work as a contractor for the government and had to babysit an old IBM mainframe. Hmmmm........best part-time job I ever had! I can't remember the stupid, funky OS they used, but I remember feeding back-up tapes in 3380 IBM tape drives.
DJformoney? As long as you keep those certs current, I think you should be OK.
Well some single mothers are good quality that we're unfairly impregnated by a jerk somewhere, but at the end of the day it's best not to deal with them.
I'm not raising another man's child period. That makes cringe just even thinking about it.
1989 NYC i was dating a single mom, very skinny and very pretty. Her 9 year old daughter adored me. The girls father was in "Jail" and had no contact with his daughter. A lie. Me and her dated for 1 year and it was all good, she treated me good and the sex was great. We were planning to get married.
Cut to the chase one day at lunch (We worked together) she told me it was over and she needed to "Find" herself.
The next day her baby daddy came to our job and she was outside kissing him. I found out by her own mouth that he dumped her six months later and got some other woman pregnant. She wanted me back and i told her to hit the bricks.
Young men on this board i am 41 years old, single parents are a complete waste of time, energy and money and sanity.
You have been warned!
If she was impregnated by a jerk, that means she likes jerks. There are nice guys around here that never get a break, so obviously women can collectively deny guys access to sex that they don't like. If girls truly didn't like bad boys, that personality trait would dissapear in about 2 generations, because none of them would be getting any.
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