Happier Abroad Forum Community

lone_yakuza wrote: Peace is a lie, there is only passion.
Through passion, I gain strength.
Through strength, I gain power.
Through power, I gain victory.
Through victory, my chains are broken.

You say you don't train martial arts anymore and obviously, yes, bad nutrition and constant traveling means keeping fit is hard, but if you are still interested, what if you take a trip to some parts of China and seek out a master there? They are usually happy to teach foreigners. Or even Japan or Thailand for muay thai. Japan and China have more of a philosophical bent as well, so maybe you can find a reason to live there, and who knows, maybe land a good lady if you can prove proficiency in language and understand/respect the culture.


Are you just going to lay down and let the forces of the world win?

Man, f**k the world. Raise your sword and charge into the setting sun and die like a raging warrior. I'm not gonna give up even if it kills me. You shouldn't give up either.

Also one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite bands. I think the lyrics are relevant:

Disillusioned_American wrote:I'm not looking for sympathy, nor do I need to be called a weak bitch. I'm just trying to vent, and look at things logically.

I am back on the E. Coast US right now, staying with family. I literally have no close friends anymore. None. They have all drifted away, or gotten married, etc. My parents have never really had any good advice for me. In fact, I feel like my father has always tried to emulate me for some reason, and it really creeps me out. He never showed me how to be a man, because he was never around when I needed him to be during my childhood. Now it's like the roles are reversed, and I am the parent; totally weird and unhealthy situation when I am around him for too long. My parents have been divorced for years, BTW. My father is like a psychic vampire whom steals my energy, and keeps me drained by eating up and farting out all of the food that I buy, and it is uncomfortable to live around him because he is a horder and slob (not to an extreme, though). I guess I put up with it since I am staying with him rent free right now, but I know it's slowly killing me. It makes me very sad and angry to think that my own family is bringing me down this much. I hate the thought that I am turning out like him, but I have always been a hard worker and clean/neat person, so I am already the polar opposite to him in that regard, thankfully. So basically, I don't even have a good trusting relationship with my own family members, no friends, and absolutely NOBODY whom I can depend upon.

When I was younger, I used to have a lot of pent up anger and rage, like Lone_Yakuza seems to have. I will never understand how difficult it can be for E. Asian men to grow up in the US, but my life has been no picnic either, and I also know what it's like to be an outcast during the prime years of my youth. I too studied martial arts and weight trained for years, since this was a great outlet for me and something I enjoyed. Music was also a big part of my life as well. I have sort of drifted away from those pursuits, because for the last several years, I have lived very transiently, never really feeling at home anywhere. Thus, it's hard to be physically fit when you can't have a consistent and proper diet. Also, I always strive to not accumulate much "stuff," since I never know where I should live. As a result, I no longer bother with music because I don't even have a guitar. I can't trust my parents to leave my things with them when I travel, because I have had them give away my things in the past without my permission, or they've thrown my stuff in the garbage.

As much as I would like to expat and leave this screwed-up country, I honestly just do not have the mental or physical energy to do that right now. Plus, I know how much of a hassle it can be to obtain long term residency visas outside of the US, because I have been through it all before. Sometimes I think I need to settle down somewhere within the US for a while, just long enough to get my act together, but then I always feel conflicted about staying in the US, convinced that I will never be happy here, and that I will always be alone. Also, despite being physically healthy overall, I wake up every single day with extreme stomach pain and nausea, usually dry heaving into the toilet before I start my day. This has gone on for years, and I have had multiple tests performed by doctors, but everything comes back as normal. In addition, my spine is f*cked up to the point where I have chronic pain in my upper vertebrae. I wish I could buy and use an inversion table, but that would be another physical asset that would only trap me in this lousy country. I stopped going to the Veterans Hospital because of some really bad experiences there. I don't really trust any doctors in this country anymore, and I don't have any insurance. The cost of private healthcare in America makes me want to commit homicide, not suicide, lol. Also, I want to mention that I no longer have any faith in a God, since none of my prayers have ever been answered, even though I did good things like donate large sums of money to charity over the years.

Now, I am not some thirty year old virgin, and in fact I have gotten laid several times within the last couple of years. The thing is that, I need real companionship, not just a lay. I need someone to genuinely care about me. Plus, I've never really been with a woman that I felt was beautiful at all. They haven't all been hideous, but they were not a good match for me looks wise (due to female hypergamy in the US, plus lack of hot available women). I have always had to lower my standards. I lost my virginity to an older single mom when I was 21, because at the time I was desperate. Even though some here might criticize me for having lowered my standards, I honestly think that I would have gone on a killing spree if I hadn't done what I did. I used to fantasize about strapping powerful explosives to myself, and walking into a crowded nightclub filled with arrogant douchbags and bitchy sluts, and detonating the mother*cker (something that I was very capable of doing, since I have extensive knowledge about energetic compounds). This is how sexually frustrated I felt back then. I am definitely not some kind of sociopath though. Women treated me like absolute sh*t. I have had a couple of decent girlfriends since that time, but things didn't work out in the end, obviously.

Alright, enough of the b*tching and complaining. I'm not even sure if anyone here will read all the way though this rant. Anyway, I am seriously at my wits end. I just spent yet another New Year's Eve alone. I feel like I no longer want to go on. I have nothing to live for. Even foreign women are not enough of an incentive to keep me going at this point, since I fear many of them just want to take advantage of men like me. Why not just end my God damned life once and for all? I have thirty years on this planet, and most of it has been sh*t. I can't get a girlfriend to save my life, unless I opt for some used-up milf/cougar. Plus being on the E. Coast, the weather alone makes me want to die, and the women here are even colder than the weather. Why should I even bother to continue, with my life being this empty and hopeless? How do I turn this whole thing around?

Disillusioned_American wrote:Thanks for all of the feedback. In hindsight, I now feel pretty foolish for making this thread in the first place. Since the New Year began, I've started to come around. I haven't had a cigarette or smoked weed in almost three weeks (wasn't ever really a chronic weed smoker, but still). I think those two things were really contributing towards my personal misery, and quitting them was definitely horrible mentally for the first few days. Quitting tobacco can be a real mind*ck, and what's weird is that, even though I didn't really crave it after stopping, I had all sorts of whack thoughts, but somehow, while in the throes of my own personal hell, I was unable to make the connection between the quitting and my depression. This is weird, since, when looking back on it all now, it seems totally logical and blatantly obvious as to what was causing all of this internal turmoil.

It's true; I don't need a woman to make me happy, and you guys are correct in pointing out that many married men - or just those with constant female companionship - are often totally miserable anyhow. The problem I'm having is that, I really desire a genuine sense of community and belonging, and I can't seem to find that anywhere. I truly want to be part of something greater than myself. Like fschmidt says on his blog, it is unnatural for men to live without this sense of community (or something along those lines). It's just hard to assimilate with any group, especially when none of them seem completely compatible or worthy. The lone wolf path can be a hard road to accept.

I think I will concentrate solely on seeking the inner path of enlightenment and self-improvement at this point, but I will keep an open mind in case something better comes my way. Thanks again.