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In recent times, with the advent of Facebook and various online dating services, many ladies, particularly in developing countries, have been enticed by the prospect of finding a boyfriend in a foreign land, on the Internet.
Most of them hope to have the opportunity of developing a long distance relationship which would eventually turn to fully fledged love-for-life and eventually- marriage.
I have met many ladies who have started such a relationship, but became bitterly disappointed with the results. They wasted a lot of time and had their hopes dashed. They were hoping to have a man who they thought would be better than the guys in their own country. Also, it often did not turn out that way.
I have met ladies like this in SE Asia and Eastern Europe. So, I have this to say to them:
1) It is possible to find true love online, but itâ€™s a numbersâ€™ game.
Meaning: only a very small percentage of guys you correspond with will be serious with you. That means you need to establish online contacts with many possible candidates. Say 30-40? Out of them, only a small number will visit you and out of that, a small number will show real interest. And even a smaller number out of those will end up as a serious love/marriage candidate.
2) Do not start the â€œI love you" thing online with the person youâ€™ve never seen face to face. Until you met the guy in person in your country and you both liked each other and exchanged some kind of romantic understanding and said â€I love youâ€ in person and promised to love each other from then on, you are not a boyfriend/girlfriend.
He is not your lover yet.
You are not his lover yet.
Please make a note of it. You donâ€™t owe any faithfulness to him no matter what he says. You can continue emailing other candidates to your heartâ€™s content. This is not traditional courtship. Rules of the game are different.
3) Does he have the money and/or the time to visit you? Does he need and/or can he get a visa to visit you?
Talk is cheap, anyone can talk and say â€œI love youâ€ online. Skype is free to use. Phone calls and texts are just pennies.
A ticket to your country is expensive, though. Hotels are expensive, too.
He will also need to pay for taxis, food and miscellaneous things while in your country, visiting you. He will probably have to help you with taxi fare and dinners and buy you presents. It can easily cost way over US $3000. Does he have the financial means for all that? Does his job allow him a vacation? Is it paid? If itâ€™s not paid, he may lose a 1- 2 weekâ€™s pay. When is it? Will his boss allow him to go?
Face this sobering truth: the majority of guys online most probably do not have the money to go and visit you. Only a minority does.
Some men have never been to another country and may change their minds because they may become scared at the last moment. Do not believe any promises that he will come on this or that month. Believe it only when you see him in person.
What is his citizenship? Some citizens need to get a visa from your embassy and some do not. If they do, a visa may or may not be granted. He will need to pay visa costs regardless and fill out many forms. Will it be expensive? Can he afford it?
4) If he arrives, do not expect him to be faithful to you and begin â€œ true loveâ€ right at the date of his arrival. If it cost him so much time and money, he will probably be visiting other ladies because he does not know if he likes you in person or not. Do not pressure him or get jealous. He is shopping around and so should you. This is not courting. This is international internet dating. It has different rules.
If you really like him and want to have him, and he is visiting other ladies, strive to convince him that you are the best. At the same time, keep a distance on the first date and have other possibilities up your sleeve. Treat the whole thing as you would a job interview.
5) When he arrives, make sure you take good care of him while he is in your land and cityâ€”you are the host. There are many taxi drivers and other people who want to cheat and overcharge foreigners. Some even want to rob them. Can you make sure that heâ€™s safe? Because if you two are in a taxi and the taxi driver is not giving him change or you are in a store and he is being overcharged, do not just sit/stand there and smile- try to protect him or at least advise him what to do and how to protect himself and where the dangers are.
Make sure that no one takes advantage of him. He is alone in your country. Treat him the way you want to be treated if you were alone in his country.
6) Dress nice for the date, treat him well, and present your good side. If he comes to see you and you are in track pants with sneakers and a T-shirt with unkempt hair, it shows that you donâ€™t respect or appreciate him. If you sit down and start eating and you donâ€™t talk, it shows that you are not interested in him. If you donâ€™t ask any questions about him- ditto. If you donâ€™t talk because you think your English is not good enough then he will again think that you do not care about him. If you think your English is not fluent, then speak un-fluent English and use a dictionary.
But please donâ€™t be silent- he will be really turned off.
Ask him if you can bring a friend to the date and explain that your culture requires a chaperon if it does. Donâ€™t just show up with a friend or a relative without telling him. He may interpret it in two ways:
a) You think he is a criminal.
b) You want to feed them at his expense and you donâ€™t care about his hard earned money.
Do not bring more than one friend regardless, unless they pay for their meals. If you donâ€™t like to be used, donâ€™t behave in such a way as to appear that you are using him.
If you come from a conservative background and are a chaste and/or religious woman, and insist on a chaperon, tell him, and he will understand. But if you are a liberated one or have been separated and/ or are with a kid, meet him in a public place but try to come alone.
Chaperons are for only a special type of women; not all women.
7) If it looks like heâ€™s looking for a lifetime partner, does he have the legal capacity to contract marriage? What if he is just separated and not fully divorced? When will his divorce be final? What if he has kids and /or must pay alimony? Will he have enough money left over to take care of you? What country do you plan on living in? His or yours? If itâ€™s his country, does he know how to get a visa? Will he hire an attorney? Does he have sufficient income to sponsor you for the visa? Will he sign all the affidavits of support? Does he have the money for your ticket? Will his income status qualify him as eligible to bring over a dependent spouse? Does he know what kinds of visas are available? Does he have a criminal record which might affect both of your future?
Does he have money to pay for the wedding in your country or his? How long will it take to enter his country once he petitions you? Will you be willing to go on a fiancÃ©e visa? Will your parents allow that?
If you decide to live in your country, what about his legal status there? Do you know what visas he will be able to obtain? Do you know how much they will cost? Will he be happy with his residence status? Do you know how to obtain visas for him? Or you will just allow him to get stranded there and run out of money while his visa lapses? The last thing you want is for your BF/husband to become an illegal alien in your country.
Will he be able to find work/get a work permit? What are the laws in your country for foreigners both married to locals and those who are not. How long can they stay? Can they work? In what professions?
If he cannot get married because of some legal or financial problem, but you want to live together because you love each other, can you still get the visa to go to his country? Can you stay there long enough for him to sort things out? Most countries will not allow it.
Can he stay in your country and if he can, on what visa? How will he be making a living? Can he work online? You will need to think those things through.
Asking for money or being promised money. The biggest killer of any online relationship is money--asking to borrow money from a person whom you never met for your personal needs or worse yet- your relativesâ€™ needs will drive the 1st and the last nail into your budding love affair.
Youâ€™d better ask your relatives to help you with money. Ask your brothers or uncles or cousins. And if they donâ€™t want to, well, try your best to convince them to go and work abroad to help you. Because the minute you ask for money online from a person who is basically a stranger the words â€Gold-diggerâ€ will flash through his mind. Boyfriends and husbands should help, online chatters shouldnâ€™t.
Even if he becomes your BF and promises to send support with school, visas etc., he may still change his mind and stop at any time. Online love history is full of sad stories of young ladies who were promised school tuition and even sent some in the beginning only to be abandoned after a couple of months by a no account flaky man who simply disappeared from the radar. He changed his mind and had no guts to formally end the relationship with a proper closure. Sleepless nights, worries, the agony of uncertainty. Wasted time. Set your own deadline and end it on your terms.
9) Watch out for suspicious signs. He does not want to give you his Skype. He does not want to give you his roaming number. His phone is often off. He has more than one phone or SIM and only gives you one number. When in a foreign country, he does not text you. He does not answer emails or texts and makes innocuous excuses. A person who has enough money to pay for your school, but does not have a roaming card and says that he has no money for texts does not care about you.
10) Be realistic about life and culture in foreign countries from which your BF or potential BF/husband comes. Learn about them. They are not all rich. Most developed countries have difficult living conditions. Everything is very expensive, taxes are high and most people live from paycheck to paycheck. Cars and houses that you see are a result of credit, not riches. Some guys are rich- maybe 1% and those very rarely look for love online. Most are just regular people who work very hard. Do not have unrealistic expectations of them. Just because the exchange rate says that you get so many currency units for his money, does not mean he is that many times richer. Respect his money and his time.
Not all countries have dollars, and not all have a good exchange rate. When you start working there, you will see how difficult it is to make a living in his country.
They donâ€™t have the same social rules-- once you become devoted to that man and he becomes devoted to you, he must become the most important person in your lifeâ€”not your parents, not your brothers or sisters. Do not use the man to help your family, ever! Do not use him to emigrate. He is not a donkey to transport you and your plans to the new land.
You will be with him only for one reason- you really love each other and canâ€™t live without each other. In sickness and inhealth; in good times and in bad. You are a family now and both of you come first.
If you follow the above pointers and apply them to your particular online situation, you will have a better chance to succeed. Because international online dating is a totally new field, many people are still shooting in the dark not knowing what to do next.
A lot of time gets wasted and a lot of negative emotions are the result.
Therefore, new rules must be formulated so that a new online generation has a better chance of finding and succeeding in love.
A brain is a terrible thing to wash!
This is a great list, Lad! We always forget in discussing bad or scammer girls that there are at least as many bad guys, or guys who just want to play and will never get "serious."
I would just have 2 minor tweaks:
I agree that the girl should make it a numbers game and chat with lots of men. I also think she should be honest about that. She should not pretend that she is only chatting with or will only meet that one guy.
I don't agree with the comment "Do not use the man to help your family, ever!" It's a case by case thing. I do think the couple (and in this case I mean married couple) must agree as to what help (if any) can be given, what's the budget, etc. and then the girl must stick to it. She should also screen requests and only present the most serious or dire ones to her husband for consideration. Also they must agree if she is to use her own income to help her family. Just because it is her salary that she is now earning abroad does not mean he should not have a say so.
Thanks for posting this - very helpful!
Basically, Davewe, what I meant was the intention in the beginning- they start planning" I will marry a foreigner because I want to help my family". This is out. A killer. Of course, later on when married it's OK. Even Western couples do that. But expressly looking for one with that agenda is a very bad thing.
A brain is a terrible thing to wash!
I especially like tip #4. I was looking at profiles on LatinAmericanCupid.com, contacted a cute girl, and we began chatting on Skype. She had the nerve to object to the fact that I had other female Skype contacts. Yes, she actually expected me to be faithful to her 5 minutes after meeting her online! I told her that she was crazy and moved on.
Lots of stuff here.
Based on my 30+ dates in China/Thailand...
Ladies should always wear a skirt. Especially Chinese ladies, who always have killer legs.
Ladies should NEVER bring a chaperone. Just meet somewhere safe in public.
English - I don't care about that. If I think she's a 10, I'll go to my language classes and learn HER language.
Actually, a lady being late for date is a very GOOD sign in my dating history.
Finally it takes enormous effort to find a partner, especially one from overseas. But 2 of my ex's have managed it. Both were below average looking. One went on dating sites pretty much 24/7. The other married a much older guy.
Especially how much do you weigh?... Shocked response when seeing girl is not matching one in photo.
We could write a whole book with just photo guidelines. Ladies, please:
1. No fuzzy photos
2. Take off the sunglasses
4. Post more than 1 photo
5. If you must have a photo taken outdoors, do it early in the morning or evening; nobody looks good in direct sunlight
6. Recent photos please; I mean within the last 6 months, not 10 years
7. Don't tell us to contact you first, and then you'll show us photos; how do you think you're going to feel if you show a guy your photos, and he never contacts you again?
8. Dress for your body type; for example, no short skirts unless you have the legs for it
9. Don't post photos of you holding a camera, taking a photo of yourself in the mirror. Is it really so hard for you to get a friend to take your photo? Or do you just not have any friends?
Last edited by Hero on Wed Aug 28, 2013 1:35 am, edited 1 time in total.
Boy, I'm a roll: I just thought of another one: Ladies, be realistic about your age requirements. If you're 45 years old, don't demand men between the ages of 40 and 47 (yes, foreign women do this too). A quality man will laugh his ass off if he sees this on your profile.
I agree with number 1 the most, the more people you talk to, the more chances you will have. I like using international cupid the most. See more about it here at http://www.freedatinghelper.com/reviews ... nal-cupid/
Last edited by MrMillion on Fri Sep 13, 2013 2:14 am, edited 1 time in total.
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