Shy Women?

abg98 · Post by **abg98** » September 26th, 2014, 5:43 pm

I keep reading that American women are very unapproachable, and I was wondering how so. I'm extremely shy and would like to open up more but don't know how. On the rare occasion that someone in public does talk to me, I'm sort of shocked and unconsciously don't facilitate conversation (i.e. I answer the question as succinctly as possible). At the same time, I also see people tout being demure as a feminine quality. What makes a shy American unapproachable and a shy woman elsewhere not so?

mattyman · Post by **mattyman** » September 26th, 2014, 6:03 pm

America is probably the least shy-friendly country in the world.

On the rare occasion that someone in public does talk to me, I'm sort of shocked and unconsciously don't facilitate conversation (i.e. I answer the question as succinctly as possible).

Come on man, if you're not used to it, you can't be too hard on yourself. It's just a bit of anxiety making your mind go blank, and feeling pressure to 'say something quickly or else'. It will get easier as you become more used to such situations, trust me.

At the same time, I also see people tout being demure as a feminine quality. What makes a shy American unapproachable and a shy woman elsewhere not so?

In response to the question, it might be of help if you could you elaborate specifically on what you find more or less approachable and anxiety-provoking?

abg98 · Post by **abg98** » September 26th, 2014, 6:46 pm

Well, I try to put myself out there more by studying in public spaces, but that's about it. I know that isn't really much, but I seem to emit a "b!tch" vibe when it couldn't be further from the truth. I admit that I don't smile as easily or as frequently as I'd like (scarred from rejected smiles), but I do converse after a second question is asked.

I guess my main source of confusion is how people perceive me. Obviously, what I intend to or think I convey isn't getting through to the receiving parties lol. For example, even when I do speak to strangers, it's usually in a very soft tone, but I think people take that as disinterest. When I smile at passersby first, I usually get a weird look in return, so either I'm standoffish or a creep. It seems only the 50+ crowd ever really gets the right vibe from me.

abg98 · Post by **abg98** » September 26th, 2014, 6:47 pm

Also, thanks for responding! ^^

Hero · Post by **Hero** » September 26th, 2014, 6:53 pm

I got over my shyness by getting a teaching job. It was a nightmare at first, and it took several years, but eventually I got over my shyness and became a great public speaker, as well as becoming much more attractive to women. Unfortunately, the instant I became attractive to women was the same instant I realized that I wanted something a lot better than American women, LOL.

abg98 · Post by **abg98** » September 26th, 2014, 7:12 pm

I'm comfortable with children and people I know who are around my age or younger, but I freeze with strangers lol. I'm a woman and honestly prefer to follow others' lead, so I'd think that moderate shyness wouldn't be a bad thing. It'd be pretty much impossible for me to be completely outgoing, and I really don't see being a follower-type as so weak or inferior. My problem seems to be that my shyness comes off as "don't talk to me" coldness and my soft tone as disinterest , and I really don't know how to fix it.

Jester · Post by **Jester** » September 26th, 2014, 10:05 pm

ABG, I would guess that the reason over-50 men talk with you is that they are not looking for typical Facebook-attention-whore women. They don't get fooled as easily. Thus they can actually SEE you.

If you want younger men, then you need to put yourself "out there" specifically among intelligent, autonomous men. Men who know themselves. That way there is a chance they will "see" you. A guy who trades currencies or sells on EBay might be one type that calls his own shots in life. Another type might be a young guy who runs his own successful business.

Not thugs or other conformist/follower types. Not guys with backward baseball caps, or who give each other high fives.

When you find a place that your type of man congregates, you might try to get yourself into a position of service, through employment or volunteering to assist in some way.

You also might want to work on your apparel, hair, etc. so that it attracts attention with style and color.

PS You are right that being shy and a follower is not a bad thing in a girl.

abg98 · Post by **abg98** » September 26th, 2014, 10:56 pm

Jester, I'm into tech, so I'm surrounded by guys I'd think would fall into that category or are associated with people who do. I'm just not very popular with that crowd, and don't really register as a girl to most of them. On the few occasions that I do dress more girly, I mostly get jokes, so I think I've retreated to presenting like "one of the guys." I also don't invite myself to things, so I rarely expand my circle. :/

Among the few girls, I'm generally the big Black thing that doesn't talk, so I feel like I've given up because of my surroundings. I'm trying to reverse that by tapping back into my more feminine side and studying in public places, but I've only really interacted with old people that way. I'm also losing weight since a thicker average build gets kind of big at my height. I seem to give off a "wife material" vibe to parents who aren't into flash (perfect, glamorous hair, makeup, and clothes; trophy wife), but that's about itl. And everyone in my church is already married lol

The "flash" seems to be the thing I'm missing, but it's completely not me. My strength seems to lie in uniqueness (humor, caring nature, thoughtfulness), but few compatible young men get to see it. I play around with color sometimes, but I'm really not into the look-at-me-I'm-so-unique-dying-my-hair-50-colors-every-month-and-my-unicorn-tattoo thing (feels to forced and self-centered) that "intellectual" guys seem to be into.

I was thinking of picking up a waitressing job since tech events seem to be too work mode for relationship-building.

PS Yay! ^_^

Jester · Post by **Jester** » September 27th, 2014, 12:16 am

You seem like you've given things thought.

Too bad you're not open to a divorced older Black man. That might be someone who would cherish you.

Ghost · Post by **Ghost** » September 27th, 2014, 12:31 am

abg98 · Post by **abg98** » September 27th, 2014, 1:09 am

Jester: Maybe when I'm older, but I'm too respectful of people significantly older than me. :/

Ghost: Ok. That isn't my individual experience as the nerdy girl who's never noticed and makes people uncomfortable when she is, but ok.

Yohan · Post by **Yohan** » September 27th, 2014, 6:29 am

I never met a 'shy Western woman' in my entire life - but if they exist how to contact them?

Just my thoughts, comparing my experiences in Europe with Asia:

I met many shy European men (including myself) who never found any contact to a Western woman. Not even for a few minutes.
Western women did only laugh at me, but why? I was never jobless, good income, no criminal record, had my own small condominium-unit, car, motorcycle ...

The problem for sure is with the 'first contact'.
It seems if a man does not drink alcohol and if he does not like disco-sound, he has no chance in Western countries to meet single women.

All young single women I met were either already taken or their needs were impossible for me as a young man to meet, just too expensive, totally into overdemanding. Maybe older men with a higher income could satisfy such women, but I at that time could not.
I met a woman, demanding a private horse for herself, another one dreaming of diamonds, etc. with no intention to offer anything in return but (maybe later on) some sexual favors.

My solution finally after years of unsuccessful and expensive efforts - a total waste of time and money - was to look for a foreign wife, not so easy a few decades ago.

While travelling in foreign countries especially in Asia, I could speak with many young women, who were still single, and meet them in a nice place like parks, coffee shops etc. during daytime and not in a noisy place during late night - all my dating in Asia was free of alcohol, no drugs, and many women I met were nice and interested and willing to listen to me. I could speak to them without being disturbed by other men, etc.

The most difficult problem I found in Western countries when talking to any woman - quickly other men were showing up, with rather aggressive arguments - just pushing me aside. I also got the impression, that Western women love thugs and an exciting life-style.

I feel there is a severe shortage of nice women in general in Western countries.

In this sense, it is really difficult for a shy Western woman who is still a virgin when 20+.

What should she do in Western countries? In Asia it is easier for her, as some of her girlfriends, sisters, women in the neighborhood, females working with her at the same working place etc. will help her and will go with her to introduce her to some men they know already. But in Western countries she might find herself alone and a target of scorn from females who had already plenty of boyfriends if she asks them to assist her.

Maybe a 'shy Western woman' should consider to travel to Asia? To meet Asian men? I know some Western women who did that...with good results.

droid · Post by **droid** » September 27th, 2014, 8:22 am

Excellent excellent post yohan. You summed it all up real well.

I never met a 'shy Western woman' in my entire life - but if they exist how to contact them?

Damn right. So much talk about "self-esteem" issues, but all I see is entitled and overrated dumbasses.
I've seen some "shy" ones that just have inept social skills and manners, but just as entitled/rude.

While travelling in foreign countries especially in Asia, I could speak with many young women, who were still single, and meet them in a nice place like parks, coffee shops etc. during daytime and not in a noisy place during late night - all my dating in Asia was free of alcohol, no drugs, and many women I met were nice and interested and willing to listen to me. I could speak to them without being disturbed by other men, etc.

Right there, awesome. It seems you experienced those places before they started really opening up. It must've been a trip man.

Jester · Post by **Jester** » September 27th, 2014, 10:34 pm

abg98 wrote:Jester: Maybe when I'm older, but I'm too respectful of people significantly older than me. :/

"Too respectful"? Not sure what that means.

If a guy shows interest, let him woo you. It's good for you and it's good for him. He doesn't have to be pretty. YOU do. YOU have to be pretty to HIM. So if you DO get noticed, let it flow, see where it goes.

When you're "older", they won't be interested.

Use what you got. What you got is youth.

OutWest · Post by **OutWest** » September 27th, 2014, 10:52 pm

Jester wrote:
abg98 wrote:Jester: Maybe when I'm older, but I'm too respectful of people significantly older than me. :/

"Too respectful"? Not sure what that means.

If a guy shows interest, let him woo you. It's good for you and it's good for him. He doesn't have to be pretty. YOU do. YOU have to be pretty to HIM. So if you DO get noticed, let it flow, see where it goes.

When you're "older", they won't be interested.

Use what you got. What you got is youth.

American women in general do NOT get this..my wife sees this and thinks they are mostly idiots.