My sexless relationship with Filipina. What to do?

[zboy1]

With the Ukranian girl, I didn't have a girlfriend at that time, nor was I dating anyone (I had just broken up with a girl shortly before this fling), so when she approached me, I obliged. If I would've had a girlfriend at the time, or dating someone, I would've gently turned her down. I think that's a BIG difference than the way most mongers operate. ...

[Jonny Law]

Dear Sir Winston!

STOP IT!

If she does not give you SEX give her nothing! Stop giving her money right now if she will not give you sex.

If you have a child with her give your money to a man who is loyal to you to spend on your child.

Seriously what the f**k is wrong with you? Why the f**k would you give her a penny if she will do nothing for you sexually?

We all have freewill unless you have a very low IQ. She has has made the decision to ignore your needs. You have a MORAL OBLIGATION to ignore her needs.

Thanks and enjoy

[MrMan]

So what kind of relationship is this? It seems that you only need me for money and support. Our relationship is not fair. What do I get from it? Nothing except some companionship. So why do you want our relationship to go on forever like we are married. I can't understand it. It doesn't make sense. Can you explain it?

What is not fair, Winston, is you openly telling a woman that your lust and desire is for Chinese women now. That you lust after and want other women, but not her. That she is good enough to have sex with and have your child, but not good enough for marriage or love. And that you are dumb enough to expect her, or any woman, to be completely okay with that. THAT's what's unfair here.

Your relationship will go on forever, and you should have known it would the minute you decided to have a child with her. That's a life long commitment and responsibility right there. It does not matter what you "get out of it", what matters is that you support your son, your only child, and be a father to him so he does not grow up resentful and distant to his faraway father who's out f***ing prostitutes and chasing Chinese women at the time in his formative years when he needs you most.

I don't know why you ever made that girl pregnant and had a son, then thought just sending them money and visiting every once in a while was somehow enough. Being father takes a lot more then just that. It takes your actual, regular, stable presence. Now that little boy is being raised by a single mother who was never good enough for his father to marry, who was never good enough for his father to love, and who his father basically wants to turn in some sort of glorified prostitute because he wants to "get more out of the relationship". Now what sort of a man do you think he will grow up to be, when this is the example you set?

You are a very selfish person, and you should think of the consequences of your actions and their effect in the (near) future. You can't have your cake and eat it too, and you should know that by now. Stop whining like a toddler who doesn't get his favorite toy in the toystore, but grow up and a be bloody man for once.

What to do? Be a man.

I cant' see all the buttons since the software was changed. There isn't a like or a plus one, is there? I'd settle for the thumbs up.

Assuming this is his child's mother (I just learn the backstory from responses), this is a good post.

[MrMan]

I don't get this letter. If she's the mother of your child and she's trying to be friendly with you when you visits, that makes sense. Keep up a good relationship. You don't need her bad-mouthing you to your son.

If she's having a relative baby sit and taking you off to do fun stuff, but not kissing you or sleeping with you, maybe she is interested in a relationship but, from getting pregnant out of wedlock, has learned the important lesson not to sleep around outside of marriage. Maybe she'd be willing to marry you and sleep with you if you were married. Why should she sleep with you and risk getting pregnant again if she knows there is no hope of marriage? That doesn't make sense. Offering companionship makes sense if she is open for a more serious relationship that includes marriage.

I'm assuming from responses that this is the mother of your child. Your letter makes it sounds like your relationship with her is worth nothing if you don't get sex from her. But what about her value in raising your child? If you haven't sent it, I would advise against it. The letter, on the one hand, sounds like you want to have sex with her. On the other, it sounds like you are saying she is sexually uninteresting. A letter like this could hurt your relationship with her and your son. Isn't money you give her related to her expenses in raising your child? Shouldn't you support your own son even if his mother isn't sleeping with you?


I can understand enjoying sex. I can even understand the thrill of multiple partners that mongers go for. I'm not saying it's moral, but I can understand it. But I'm married to the only woman I've ever had sex with. I wouldn't trade lifestyles. A monger has to go chat some girl up or pay her money. I can tell my wife I want to have sex with her that night and there is a good chance it will happen, many times greater than a monger's chances after chatting some girl up. I don't get a disease. My wife cooks great meals for me. Chances I couldn't chat some girl up in a bar and bring her home to cook a gourmet meal for me that night. I've got someone to talk to and spend time with. I've got someone who loves me. If I got hospitalized, my wife would be with me if she's not with the kids. I can live in the house with my own kids.

As you age, too, if you have a high sex drive, it becomes less of an overwhelming force. And the older you get, the less it gets. Isn't having a good stable relationship more important?

[Winston]

Winston, did it ever occur to you that Dianne loves you? Does she deny you sex and affection? If not, then the problem is all with you, not her. In the first few weeks or months of dating her, you posted lots of things about how hot she is and how into her you were. You even chose to have a child with her. So what happened? Did you change? Did you get bored with things after awhile?

If you answered yes, consider the married couples you see around you everyday. Many have been together 5, 10, or maybe 15 years. Do they look like they are passionately in love? I'm sure a subset might but that subset is probably gonna be small. Serious relationships between men and women tend to evolve over time into deep bonds, friendships, shared responsibility (kids, businesses), companionship, and love (which is not the equivalent of lust). Even you have made posts about how you see sexual attraction and the desire to settle as mother nature's trick to get people to procreate and raise the next generation.

I'm sure Diane is not perfect and most likely has made her fair share of wrongs. But the email above, given what we here on the forum know about you, seems perhaps unfair and too one-sided. I mean at the very least, she has been raising your kid for 6+ years, mostly on her own, on a shoestring budget. And she seems to be doing a great job.

Winston, perhaps you are taking your anger of being rejected out on Diane. Think about it.

She doesn't deny me sex. But she puts nothing into it and is very reluctant to have it. We have no sexual chemistry. If that's my problem, then there's nothing I can do about it. You can't flip on sexual chemistry or desire like a light switch. What is your solution though? Sure I'm taking out my anger, but this is a good chance to ask WTF in regards to Dianne while I'm in the mood. We aren't getting any younger and I have no more time left to waste or spare in indecisiveness. So I got to put the ultimatum on the table.

My letter was not one sided. It was complaining that my relationship with Dianne is one sided. I am not getting anything I want from it, while she is extracting lots of time and resources from me, not just for the son, but for other stuff too. She also makes bad decisions, such as the one to go to Hong Kong to work for a dubious company at the suggestion of a dubious "best friend" in Wendy, who suddenly vanished upon our arrival with no contact.

Those whole 2 weeks in Hong Kong, one of the most expensive cities in the world, cost me around $1500 USD, even though we did everything on a tight budget. Friggin ridiculous and unspeakable. So instead of earning the $700 she needed to pay off the debt on her house, she ended up costing me $1500 instead. Better to have just given her the $700 instead. It was one of the stupidest decisions of her life (besides getting involved with me of course lol). So she makes lots of stupid self-destructive decisions, yet I'm not allowed to tell her that she sucks in decision making or else she will be offended. Go figure. Stuff like this gets me mad too.

[Winston]

If one looks at it logically (like Mr. Spock might), here are some of your choices:

1. Marry Dianne, move to the Philippines and together raise your son. Then you'll get all the sex that you might want. Secretly this may be what she is hoping for but she is waiting for you to make that move. But she also knows that it won't cure your wanton lust for having sex with different women as often as possible. Dianne would never trust you if you went out at night on your own. She knows what you are capable of.

2. Keep the status quo. Continue providing financial support until your son graduates from college and has the skills necessary to support Dianne and himself. But have no contact with your son or Dianne other than sending financial support monthly.

3. The same as number 2 but make an agreement with Dianne that whenever you visit her and your son, you can have sex with her X number of times while you visit. Yes, this is basically P4P and transactional, but what exactly do you expect at this point? At least you already know Dianne sexually but you lose out on the thrill of the hunt that you get from pursuing bar girls in Angeles City. But at least you will get some sex out of it and isn't that what you're complaining about?

4. Stop the financial support and walk away. Don't ever contact Dianne or your son again. This is what millions of Filipinos and foreigners do in the Philippines. Pump 'em and dump 'em. At least you wouldn't be the only one who got a woman pregnant in the Philippines and abandoned her. Misery loves company.

I'm sure you and others on the board can come up with other choices to contemplate.

Man I thought you guys were all educated. Why do many of you have such TERRRIBLE reading comprehension skills? Didn't you go to school? Geez. I hate having to repeat things. Men don't usually have misunderstandings. So why do you?

You are falsely assuming that I am trying to have sex with Dianne and she is refusing. That's not what's going on here. Did you even read my letter?

She is not refusing to have sex. I just can't have sex with her because I don't have any desire or lust for her. I've tried to force myself to or trick myself into doing so but I can't for some reason. I've been trying for years.

Do you see the problem now? Instead, my desires are for other women, Chinese women now as I said.

But the thing is, Dianne expects me to be loyal and monogamous, when given the above, it is impossible. This is what I don't understand. How can I marry her or be loyal to her, when I cannot make love to her and am constantly unhappy because my desires and passion and love is elsewhere? Yet she still expects this even though it's impossible.

You did not address this or take this into account, and neither did your proposed solutions.

This problem has been around for years. I have no more time to waste. So what's the solution?

Dianne knows all this mentally. It's been explained to her in various ways. Yet she refuses to accept it and still believes that I will settle down and be loyal to her someday because that's what she wants, so she refuses to see it all clearly.

Can you guys address this now without any more misunderstanding and misinterpretation?

[Winston]

If she truly loved you, Winston, then you would be receiving sex on a daily basis. So, in that regard, Winston's complaints are valid. However, she has a son with you Winston--so it is your responsibility to care for them, like it or not!

I know you've been doing well in China, so far, Winston, but I also don't want you doing one-night stands with Chinese women--which will ruin the reputation of foreign men for them. I want you to give them a good impression of foreign men, so if you're really serious about starting a relationship in China--then sex should not be the only concern for you when dating Chinese girls.

See my previous explanation above. You are assuming wrongly that Dianne is refusing me sex and that I want it with her. That's not what's going on. See my previous post. This is not about my son either.

I cannot have one night stands with Chinese women. They move too slowly and will not date a man unless he is considered marriage material. Plus I am supposed to be a beta male, and that means I can only get sex within a committed relationship or marriage, in general. Casual sex is only for alpha males.

Of course I want a serious relationship. But my sexual desires want to have sex too, ASAP. I'd like to get it out of my system first, but P4P in China has been cracked down on, and most of the info online about it is outdated or no longer applies.

I don't see while one of my dates can't just have sex with me while we are in the process of forming a serious relationship, such as during the dating phase, or during the boyfriend/girlfriend stage. That's what I don't get. Isn't that the way you're supposed to get sex with a normal girl? So why doesn't it work that way for me?

[Winston]

So what kind of relationship is this? It seems that you only need me for money and support. Our relationship is not fair. What do I get from it? Nothing except some companionship. So why do you want our relationship to go on forever like we are married. I can't understand it. It doesn't make sense. Can you explain it?

What is not fair, Winston, is you openly telling a woman that your lust and desire is for Chinese women now. That you lust after and want other women, but not her. That she is good enough to have sex with and have your child, but not good enough for marriage or love. And that you are dumb enough to expect her, or any woman, to be completely okay with that. THAT's what's unfair here.

Your relationship will go on forever, and you should have known it would the minute you decided to have a child with her. That's a life long commitment and responsibility right there. It does not matter what you "get out of it", what matters is that you support your son, your only child, and be a father to him so he does not grow up resentful and distant to his faraway father who's out f***ing prostitutes and chasing Chinese women at the time in his formative years when he needs you most.

I don't know why you ever made that girl pregnant and had a son, then thought just sending them money and visiting every once in a while was somehow enough. Being father takes a lot more then just that. It takes your actual, regular, stable presence. Now that little boy is being raised by a single mother who was never good enough for his father to marry, who was never good enough for his father to love, and who his father basically wants to turn in some sort of glorified prostitute because he wants to "get more out of the relationship". Now what sort of a man do you think he will grow up to be, when this is the example you set?

You are a very selfish person, and you should think of the consequences of your actions and their effect in the (near) future. You can't have your cake and eat it too, and you should know that by now. Stop whining like a toddler who doesn't get his favorite toy in the toystore, but grow up and a be bloody man for once.

What to do? Be a man.

You sound like a typical western liberal, who believes that the man's needs are not important and only women and children's needs matter. Well sorry but you can't just neglect the needs of one side, such as the man's, and focus only on the other. Everyone has needs. Denying needs doesn't solve them. You seem to be very narrow and one sided in your focus.

So your solution is for me to be unhappy forever, never have sex again, and just live as a slave and servant to my son, in return for nothing? All the while wishing and dreaming I was somewhere else. Yeah right. Are you delusional? What are you smoking?

You are not proposing a win-win solution here. You are a proposing a win-lose situation, one that would make me unhappy and dissatisfied forever. It's like forcing one to be something they're not, or forcing them to love someone they don't. Not possible.

What is wrong with your sense of reality? You are more preoccupied with "what should be" rather than what is. Do you realize that?

My letter was honest at least. Do you prefer that I lie and make false statements to her? You're not making sense.

I had a child with her because it's in my genes to procreate and produce offspring. It's in our DNA. So I have desires in me that work against reason and logic too. We all do. And since I heavily into following my desires... I was also desperate too. Desperation causes people to do things that may be unwise or that they might later regret.

But hey, don't you believe that everything happens for a reason? Some philosophers and scientists would tell you that free will is an illusion, and if they are right, then my decisions to have a son with her were not out of free will, but predetermined according to some hidden order or destiny beyond our perception.

[Winston]

I think what you're asking for is fair. But I don't know why you needed to mention that you like chinese women. How is that relevant or helpful? What do you want her to do, turn chinese? Also, I think it would be better to say it all in person rather than in an email.

Because I'm being honest. I don't like to lie. I did say it in person, and also years ago too. But she can't accept it because she is attached to me and cannot force herself to love another man or let go of me. So basically:

1. I'm not able to force myself to love her or have sexual desire for her. My desire and love is elsewhere.
2. She is not able to force herself to let go of me or find someone else either, even though she is aware of the above.

So it's a no win situation. If there were an easily solution, then I wouldn't be complaining and this thread wouldn't exist. Duh.

If she truly loved you, Winston, then you would be receiving sex on a daily basis. So, in that regard, Winston's complaints are valid.

Really???? Winston impregnates a woman, leaves her alone for years to raise his son by herself while he sends her some financial support. With her chances at finding a loving husband down to almost nothing because she is a single mother, Dianne is supposed to still love him and give him sex on a daily basis whenever he visits? Totally idiotic thinking IMHO but that is why many men fail so badly today. There seem to be very very few real men left in the world who have a modicum of human decency and a moral code of honor that they live by.

Today, it's getting harder and harder to find a good, traditional family-oriented woman to love but there's no hope for a man when he has no goodness or honor left inside of him anymore. All I know is that karma is a bitch and what goes around, comes around. Maybe Winston is paying some of that price now.

She has had proposals from various guys who are well off, including a Canadian guy, and also a Filipino guy too, who have wanted to marry her and settle down. But she did not love them enough to marry them.

You guys seem to think that a woman can just marry and love any man with money and security. It's not that simple. If the love and heart and feelings aren't there, then the money and security will not change that or win the woman's heart. Love and feelings are very subjective and do not fit into formulas, like you guys think they do. That's your problem. You guys think that everything fits into formulas, including love and chemistry and feelings. You are too left-brained and do not understand this.

[MarcosZeitola]

You sound like a typical western liberal, who believes that the man's needs are not important and only women and children's needs matter. Well sorry but you can't just neglect the needs of one side, such as the man's, and focus only on the other. Everyone has needs. Denying needs doesn't solve them. You seem to be very narrow and one sided in your focus.

A liberal, me? Lol.

One of the most traditional beliefs out there is that a man ought to take care of his family. If you have a son or daughter, it is you who is responsible to provide money to put food on the table. It is you who has the responsibility to set examples for him to follow, and to inspire him to make the most of his life. That is your responsibility as a man and a father. Regardless of your needs, you need to find a balance that works. Not for your own sake, but for the sake of your son. His needs outweigh the needs of you and Dianne both. Because you and Dianna are the past, and Angelo is the future. He is your only child after all.

So your solution is for me to be unhappy forever, never have sex again, and just live as a slave and servant to my son, in return for nothing? All the while wishing and dreaming I was somewhere else. Yeah right. Are you delusional? What are you smoking?

I am not saying you should be a slave and servant to your son, I am simply telling you that as a father you have a role to fulfil that is far more important, powerful and meaingful then you chasing Chinese ladies. If it's sex you want, you can continue to go on trips to Angeles for all I care - a lot cheaper and easier then Chinese ladies who, by your own admission, don't exactly put out. But at least find a compromise with Dianne that does not hurt your little boy. He's an innocent party in this, it's a matter between you and your girlfriend slash ex-lover.

You are not proposing a win-win solution here. You are a proposing a win-lose situation, one that would make me unhappy and dissatisfied forever. It's like forcing one to be something they're not, or forcing them to love someone they don't. Not possible.

A win-win solution would be for you to talk things over with Dianne. To admit your feelings, and for her to admit hers. Then you talk about how to move on from this. You could move in with them, be a father to Angelo, and whenever you have needs to fulfil you discreetly seek out a bargirl. You keep your desires for other women hidden - Dianne is not stupid, she will know, but you will not discuss it with her and never with others so she does not lose face. What's important is that you find a solution that is best for your son. Compare your ability to get laid in the Philippines to your ability to get laid in China; be realistic, and be honest. I know your lust and desire is directed at Chinese women, but don't make it an obsession - make your goals attainable.

What is wrong with your sense of reality? You are more preoccupied with "what should be" rather than what is. Do you realize that?

What should be, is important. Not just for you and Dianne, but for your son. Your only child. If you spend his childhood chasing Chinese women, how do you think that will make Angelo feel? How will it make him feel to know that his father desires other women more then his mother? If you stay close to him and act discreetly, he won't have to know and he will grow up having a positive image of you. If you remain a distant figure, he will grow up to resent you. This may not seem like a big deal to you know, but it will be when you are a lonely old man. You still have a chance to redeem yourself.

My letter was honest at least. Do you prefer that I lie and make false statements to her? You're not making sense.

No, but you could at least try not to hurt her feelings too much. There's no point in telling a woman "my lust and desire are for Chinese women now", that's like Dianne telling you "my lust and desire are for white men now", how would that make you feel? Chances are it would make you feel like less of a man, or insulted, or hurt. So to her, it will make her feel like less of a woman, insulted, hurt, in a similar way. You could have somply told her: "I do not feel physically attracted to you anymore", or "I feel like our chemistry is gone, what happened?", and then talk about it with her. Be subtle. Things you say in a moment of anger and frustration, you can never take back.

I had a child with her because it's in my genes to procreate and produce offspring. It's in our DNA. So I have desires in me that work against reason and logic too. We all do. And since I heavily into following my desires... I was also desperate too. Desperation causes people to do things that may be unwise or that they might later regret.

I know you were desperate. And that's okay, it happens, we're only human. But you did what you did, and you made a decision to create a child. Now that child needs a father, and that father is you. You said you want to reproduce, and you did, but if you don't stick around to set an example of how to live, who's example will he follow? Who will be his idol, who will inspire him? Who will teach him to be a man, and who will guide him on his journey to adulthood? You need to be present to make that positive impact on his life. If you don't, you will regret it for as long as you live, especially if he will remain your only child.

But hey, don't you believe that everything happens for a reason? Some philosophers and scientists would tell you that free will is an illusion, and if they are right, then my decisions to have a son with her were not out of free will, but predetermined according to some hidden order or destiny beyond our perception.

Who knows, it might be fate? But regardless of what drove you to do the things you did, you did them. And now you will have to deal with them. For better or for worse. Because not everything is about you. Being a father means making your children your biggest priority in life, over lust, over attraction, of desperation. Your legacy is at stake here. Your future. Think about that.

[Winston]

As for Winston, I'm not sure he knows what he wants. Based on what he's said in the past, he doesn't seem like the marrying type so why is he wasting time with women who are looking for a serious, long term commitment? Winston seems to aspire to be the Chinese version of Hugh Hefner but when he gets rejected by women, he cannot understand why it happens to him all the time. His messages always seem to be about me, me, me. I found his message to Dianne, the mother of his son, to be offensive and demeaning. And another great example of how selfish he is. Dianne seems to be doing the best she can in a difficult situation, a situation that Winston put her in. She owes Winston nothing and it's not her job to pretend to be affectionate, loving and give him sex whenever he visits her and his son.

I don't think Winston will find happiness in China. Chinese women know what they want and I don't believe Winston can give them what they want. So they will cut bait quickly once they realize what Winston's true intentions are. Chinese women can be cold, ruthless and determined and they won't tolerate wasting time with a man who just wants to play and have fun.

Because I'm TRYING to find a serious relationship and settle down in China. Duh. That's been explained. Yeah I may not be the marrying type. But I'm TRYING to be. Maybe if I find the right one, then... well isn't that what we all tell ourselves?

In my conscious mind, I'm trying to find a wife. But who knows if my subconscious mind will cooperate? That is uncertain. We cannot control our subconscious mind so easily.

I can give Chinese women what they want. I can bring them to America and put them in a house. Or I can stay with them in China and rent an apartment together while we both work. Many couples in China do just that. It's normal. So why can't I?

I do not tell any of the women in China that I'm looking for casual dating or sex. Duh. How stupid do you think I am? When they ask me serious questions, I respond very tactfully and smoothly, like Bill Clinton does. If asked "Do you want to marry?" I'll answer, "If I find the right person. Yeah." Isn't that what I'm supposed to say?

But of course, anyone can say anything or deliver a smooth line. It's also possible that even if I say I am not a casual dater, that some women can sense from my vibe that I have the aura of one. Some may even be telepathic and can sense my thoughts and desires or past history too. Since ESP and telepathy have now been proven, this is a real possibility, since we are all interconnected via a magnetic field, which science has now proven. (Google "Michael Persinger telepathy")

But why talk about marriage at the outset? I don't get that. Aren't you supposed to start with dating, then boyfriend/girlfriend status, then talk about marriage after that? Aren't those the stages you're supposed to go through? Am I missing something?

Here in China, there are many ugly nerdy looking guys, sometimes with pimples all over their face, with tall attractive sexy women. How do you all explain that? I've asked that in regard to Taiwan too, but no one addressed it. What do those guys do that I don't?

In China you often see men with women far more attractive than them, in contrast to America where you see women with men who are far better looking than them.

[smallcheese]

Man I thought you guys were all educated. Why do many of you have such TERRRIBLE reading comprehension skills? Didn't you go to school? Geez. I hate having to repeat things. Men don't usually have misunderstandings. So why do you?

You are falsely assuming that I am trying to have sex with Dianne and she is refusing. That's not what's going on here. Did you even read my letter?

She is not refusing to have sex. I just can't have sex with her because I don't have any desire or lust for her. I've tried to force myself to or trick myself into doing so but I can't for some reason. I've been trying for years.

Do you see the problem now? Instead, my desires are for other women, Chinese women now as I said.

But the thing is, Dianne expects me to be loyal and monogamous, when given the above, it is impossible. This is what I don't understand. How can I marry her or be loyal to her, when I cannot make love to her and am constantly unhappy because my desires and passion and love is elsewhere? Yet she still expects this even though it's impossible.

You did not address this or take this into account, and neither did your proposed solutions.

This problem has been around for years. I have no more time to waste. So what's the solution?

Dianne knows all this mentally. It's been explained to her in various ways. Yet she refuses to accept it and still believes that I will settle down and be loyal to her someday because that's what she wants, so she refuses to see it all clearly.

Can you guys address this now without any more misunderstanding and misinterpretation?

Winston, you won't understand this because you can't admit it. But you're wrong. There's nothing wrong with our reading comprehension. It's your writing that was incomplete and therefore misinterpreted. Until you finally decided to provide more information on what you were thinking, everyone replying on the thread made the same assumption that I did: That you didn't think it was fair that Dianne wasn't having sex with you even though you provided financial support for her and your son.

Think about your reputation on this board. All you cared about in the past was having the freedom to have fun and sex with as many women as possible. With this in mind, read what you wrote again and tell me how someone could not interpret it the way we did initially. You're just like a woman, thinking that a man should be a mind reader and know what's going on in your head at the time you're writing. Without the proper context, it's very easy to misinterpret what you wrote.

Now that I understand it better, I believe that 2 of the solutions that I gave you might work. Solution #2: Keep the status quo. Continue providing financial support until your son graduates from college. But no contact with your son or Dianne other than sending financial support monthly.

Or you might choose Solution #4: Stop the financial support and walk away.

Of course, you can modify these solutions but the key is to minimize face to face contact with Dianne. You can't change how she thinks so the only thing you can do is get out of her life for good. Don't come back to visit her and your son and take them on trips to the mall, trips to Manila, etc. That's just stupid if you really want her out of your life. All that does is give her false hope that you might change your mind in the future and come back to her. If you go back to visit your son, then just spend time with your son and not together with Dianne.

If you cut yourself off from Dianne for good, maybe she'll finally realize that you're never coming back. And maybe then she'll move on with her life.

[Winston]

I don't get this letter. If she's the mother of your child and she's trying to be friendly with you when you visits, that makes sense. Keep up a good relationship. You don't need her bad-mouthing you to your son.

If she's having a relative baby sit and taking you off to do fun stuff, but not kissing you or sleeping with you, maybe she is interested in a relationship but, from getting pregnant out of wedlock, has learned the important lesson not to sleep around outside of marriage. Maybe she'd be willing to marry you and sleep with you if you were married. Why should she sleep with you and risk getting pregnant again if she knows there is no hope of marriage? That doesn't make sense. Offering companionship makes sense if she is open for a more serious relationship that includes marriage.

I'm assuming from responses that this is the mother of your child. Your letter makes it sounds like your relationship with her is worth nothing if you don't get sex from her. But what about her value in raising your child? If you haven't sent it, I would advise against it. The letter, on the one hand, sounds like you want to have sex with her. On the other, it sounds like you are saying she is sexually uninteresting. A letter like this could hurt your relationship with her and your son. Isn't money you give her related to her expenses in raising your child? Shouldn't you support your own son even if his mother isn't sleeping with you?


I can understand enjoying sex. I can even understand the thrill of multiple partners that mongers go for. I'm not saying it's moral, but I can understand it. But I'm married to the only woman I've ever had sex with. I wouldn't trade lifestyles. A monger has to go chat some girl up or pay her money. I can tell my wife I want to have sex with her that night and there is a good chance it will happen, many times greater than a monger's chances after chatting some girl up. I don't get a disease. My wife cooks great meals for me. Chances I couldn't chat some girl up in a bar and bring her home to cook a gourmet meal for me that night. I've got someone to talk to and spend time with. I've got someone who loves me. If I got hospitalized, my wife would be with me if she's not with the kids. I can live in the house with my own kids.

As you age, too, if you have a high sex drive, it becomes less of an overwhelming force. And the older you get, the less it gets. Isn't having a good stable relationship more important?

What don't you get? She wants me to commit to a sexless loveless relationship, one which I will regret and not feel any passion or love or emotion for. How hard is that for you to understand? It is obvious.

Actually she wants another child, a girl this time, so she is not that afraid to get pregnant. She already sees us as married, and me as a part of her own body.

I already sent it to her on WhatsApp. She only responded that she would explain it to me later. But she hasn't.

This has nothing to do with the child. This is about continuing a loveless sexless relationship when my thoughts and focus and goals are elsewhere.

Yes I know the perks of marriage. That's why I'm seeking it now in China, or at least trying to. The playboy and monogamous lifestyle both have their perks and downsides. Don't pretend that one is ultimately better than the other just because society says so or it feels right to you.

[smallcheese]

Because I'm TRYING to find a serious relationship and settle down in China. Duh. That's been explained. Yeah I may not be the marrying type. But I'm TRYING to be. Maybe if I find the right one, then... well isn't that what we all tell ourselves?

In my conscious mind, I'm trying to find a wife. But who knows if my subconscious mind will cooperate? That is uncertain. We cannot control our subconscious mind so easily.

I can give Chinese women what they want. I can bring them to America and put them in a house. Or I can stay with them in China and rent an apartment together while we both work. Many couples in China do just that. It's normal. So why can't I?

I do not tell any of the women in China that I'm looking for casual dating or sex. Duh. How stupid do you think I am? When they ask me serious questions, I respond very tactfully and smoothly, like Bill Clinton does. If asked "Do you want to marry?" I'll answer, "If I find the right person. Yeah." Isn't that what I'm supposed to say?

But of course, anyone can say anything or deliver a smooth line. It's also possible that even if I say I am not a casual dater, that some women can sense from my vibe that I have the aura of one. Some may even be telepathic and can sense my thoughts and desires or past history too. Since ESP and telepathy have now been proven, this is a real possibility, since we are all interconnected via a magnetic field, which science has now proven. (Google "Michael Persinger telepathy")

But why talk about marriage at the outset? I don't get that. Aren't you supposed to start with dating, then boyfriend/girlfriend status, then talk about marriage after that? Aren't those the stages you're supposed to go through? Am I missing something?

Here in China, there are many ugly nerdy looking guys, sometimes with pimples all over their face, with tall attractive sexy women. How do you all explain that? I've asked that in regard to Taiwan too, but no one addressed it. What do those guys do that I don't?

In China you often see men with women far more attractive than them, in contrast to America where you see women with men who are far better looking than them.

Sorry but I did not know that you are actively looking for a serious, long-term relationship with a Chinese woman and eventually marry her. Maybe you should make that clearer by posting a public message on your web site so that everyone knows. Maybe someone out there might even give you some good leads on potential Chinese spouses if your search was publicized more.

Yeah you're right about not getting any casual sex in China. You're a beta male so I highly doubt that's going to happen. If you're desperate for sex and looking for P4P, then you might want to pay a visit to Macau or the area right across the border from Macau called Zhuhai. They may have cracked down in the rest of China but not there (yet).

It sounds like you've tried to establish relationships with women in China but you've been rejected so far. What exactly do you tell women when they ask you questions during the initial courtship phase? When they ask you what you do for a living, what do you say? Do you tell them that you own a web site and that's how you earn money? Or something else?

Were all of the women you met so far, computer savvy? They could use an Internet browser? If yes, that might be part of the reason why you're getting rejected.

Have you ever searched on your name in Google? Type in "Winston Wu" in Google and see what comes back. It's not very flattering, especially the pictures that come back. In several pictures, you're with different Asian women and that immediately makes you look like a player. In other pictures, you look terrible. You'll also see links to unflattering reviews of you and the Happier Abroad web site.

And if a potential wife is smart enough to search and read the discussions on this web site, she will get a very good picture of who you are, how you think and how you treat people. They can easily find out that you have a son with a Filipina and you still have a relationship with them, e.g. you recently went on a trip to Hong Kong with them. Unfortunately your name, web site and infamy could really be working against you in the search for a Chinese spouse.

It's quite possible that when a woman rejects you with the excuse that "you're not her type" or "it's her, not you", it's actually because she's read a lot about you already and doesn't like what she's learned. It doesn't matter that you can provide an apartment in China or a home in the U.S. If she's going to marry you and live with you for the rest of her life, she has to love who you are as a person so it's very possible she doesn't like what she's read. If her initial research gives her a negative impression of you, she's not going to waste any more time with you.

P.S. I don't think Bill Clinton is a good role model for you to invoke, given your past history

[Johnny1975]

"I don't understand something. Why do you cling to me so much like you can't live without me? We never have sex or make love or even make out. There is no desire, lust, passion or attraction between us. You do not fulfill my desires or satisfy me."

She's clingy because that's how she is. That's just the way it goes with many filipinas. If you were having good sex with her, would the clinginess still be a problem? Or is it just the lack of quality sex that bothers you? I'd say you've got more chance of eventually getting good sex from her than you have of changing her clingy ways. But this...

"My desires and lusts are for Chinese women and have been since 2012."

...is not the way to go about it. It doesn't matter if it's true. I hope I don't need to explain why.

"So what kind of relationship is this? It seems that you only need me for money and support. Our relationship is not fair. What do I get from it? Nothing except some companionship. So why do you want our relationship to go on forever like we are married. I can't understand it. It doesn't make sense. Can you explain it?

It seems our relationship is one sided. You take a lot of time and resources away from me. Yet I get nothing in return except for companionship. My desires and lusts and passions dont get satisfied, thus I'm left always dissatisfied and empty. That's NOT FAIR! Don't you think so?

You've known this for years. Yet you continue to want it to go on like this. Why?"

There are two possibilities.

1) She could give you sex, I mean quality sex, the kind that you want, but she chooses not to, and is using you. I don't know enough to speculate but I'll guess that she's probably not doing that. But only you can answer that. If this is the case, move on.

2) She really does want to be with you, and is not using you, but it feels one sided to you because of the lack of quality sex, and that makes you feel ripped off. If that's the case, then you can deal with that without talking about chinese women.