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7 posts • Page 1 of 1
Hey guys. I could really use your advice regarding a Filipina I've been chatting with and a recent situation. It may help to know that she's currently living in general Santos south cotabato for work, but she's from a province farther away. There's a bit of background, but I'll try to summarize for the sake of time. I realize I might have done something dumb, so please take it a little easy on me.
Background: I had been browsing pics of girls online and saw J. She didn't have much in her profile, so my first thought was "scammer," but then I remember someone saying good Filipinas tend to be shy. She's pretty and had enough online for me to know we have things in common, especially computer science. I took and chance and messaged her, and she replied. Our initial conversations on the site were great, we clicked, chemistry, not hormones, were working, we had things in common, we could talk about tech, her degree, etc. We chatted more and then shifted the conversations to our personal email addresses. She sent g rated pics to me and I did the same. We moved pretty quickly from there to calls and she would log into YM at work.
Phone cards were adding up, so we talked about other ways to communicate. She'd told me all along that she didn’t have a lot of money and only had a basic phone. She also said what she makes really only covers her basic needs. She'd been very diligent at responding to emails, being on YM at work, and she'd answer my calls, even when she wasn't expecting me to call. I'd read the horror stories online, so I went into Filipina dating a little suspicious and I was always vetting what J said to me. That's why I would call at unexpected times, ask questions, etc. I also paid attention to see if she was copying/pasting, or really listening and responding. Our email chats seemed to match our phone chats, so no bait and switch.
For the most part, things seemed to be going well and I only had a couple concerns. I'd asked her about going to an Internet cafe so we could video chat, but she said she wasn't comfortable going into those due to guys staring at her. We needed talking about how some Filipinas would scam people for money and she asked me if I had concerns. I was honest with her about my concerns and explained everything. We'd already talked about ways we could stay in touch more often, without needing a lot of phone cards. She looked into options and we agreed to her getting a new phone and a Wi-Fi hotspot. I know what you're going to say, very dumb move on my part, and you may be right.
Of course the day she was supposed to get the phone and hotspot, she wasn't answering her phone or texts. She finally answered and told me what she did; she sent the money to her family, because her father needed it for diabetes medicine. I've heard that medicine can be tough to get in the province and people will have to pay for it themselves. She said she didn’t answer because she felt so guilty and was afraid she'd lose me. Her story was consistent no matter how she told it, she seemed very sincere, she also kept going on and on about how guilty she felt, how she should've just bought the phone because now I won't trust her, etc., so I gave her the benefit of the doubt.
I told her that I'd never again send her any money, not even one Peso, because of what she did. She said she knew and told me again that she isn't talking to me for money, and wanted to keep talking. That’s what she’s said all along, that she isn’t looking for money, and we have had real conversations. I’ve never had such an easy and relatable conversation with any other Filipina. We've talked a couple times since that very recent incident and she still goes on about how the money was for the phone, how she did such a bad thing, and she's afraid she'll lose me. She also now mentions her concern for her family regularly, how she hasn’t been home in a year, and how she misses them. She then adds that she won’t take money from me, but wishes she could get work in her field so she had more money for her family.
She’d been consistent and I’d developed feeling for hers, which were okay, till the recent issue. Either she deserves an Academy Award, or she’s a sincere girl that’s pressured to deliver money to her family, or the truth is somewhere in between. How do I find the truth?
People on the forum have complained about that aspect of Filippino ethics, using money earmarked for one thing to help family in some other way. So it's possible she's telling the truth. If you are going to marry the girl, you shouldn't commit to never sending her money.
My wife is Indonesian. She went to a theology school when I met her. She had no way she could foresee of getting her tuition money when we met. I asked her, when we were 'just friends' if she needed any money for tuition and just donated that to her no strings attached. When we started seeing each other, I gave her money to stay in a boarding house on my side of town. I was thinking I was probably going to marry her, so supporting her wasn't a big deal to me. Her room rental was probably $45 a month, which I could easily have spent on her dating if we'd been in the US.
If you want her to have a smart phone to talk to her, maybe you could actually order her the phone. Do they have the equivalent of ebay in the Philippines? I know that lots of people ordered online in China when I was there earlier this year. On one university campus, the students would order and the stuff would all be delivered to one place. The delivery man would check IDs as people picked up there things. If you sent her a phone and put service on it, that might be a way to actually get the communication device in her hand. Or maybe you could just use your credit card to pay for the internet cafe and insist she use the web cam.
If you are going to marry this girl, you'll be marrying the type of girl who would take money for a phone and use it for medicine. That's not a good thing to do, but it's understandable. Sometimes in Asian ethics, loyalty to in-group (family, etc.) ranks higher on their list of ethical issues than on ours. It outranked not spending your money for the wrong thing. She might have considered the money an emergency.
Of course, she could be scamming you and be very good at it. But to some extent, all you have is your gut on this and how you read her actions, facial expressions etc. her misusing your money to help a sick relative seems realistic and possible.
If you plan to set something up for her to talk to you more online (e.g. insist she use a webcam at an internet cafe) and you are thinking of marrying someone, you could tell her before you relationship moves to the next step, you want to spend more time talking to her. Maybe you could say you want to Skype or facetime her parents, too. That could be a sign of being serious about it. If you are marriage-focused and she sees that, that may motivate her to get serious about finding a communication solution for you.
And if you are thinking of marriage, flying all the way out there to see her is another way to show her you are really serious. But considering the cost, depending on your resources, you may actually want to be ready to propose by that point. Or you could go ready to do a bit of research about what she's like (emotional and mental stability, temperment, character) by talking to friends and relatives and then be ready to propose if all goes well.
MrMan, sorry for my delayed response. The site didn't notify me that I had any responses. Things didn't progress any further with her and I think that was because I'd made it clear that I wouldn't be sending more money. I don't have any proof that she was scamming me or anyone else, and she really came across more like an entitled person, like the world owed her. Either way, moving forward with her would've been a bad idea and it's better to have ended.
My wife was telling someone about this the other day, and mentioned some of the details. The semester I gave her tuition money, she had gone back to school after working. She believed the Lord asked her if she believed He could provide. After all, before she'd taken a break to work, she'd gone to school with nothing and somehow the Lord had provided. The college let her study first and pay tuition later. So she'd been praying for tuition.
She didn't hint at it at all. I asked her if she needed any help paying tuition and just donated it no strings attached.
Some time before she'd met me, she'd been saying with an uncle. The uncle was moving to another nearby city. He didn't direclty tell her she couldn't keep staying with him, but she knew the location and number of rooms and was praying for a place to stay.
Meanwhile someone woman at church she didn't really know had a spare bedroom and was praying about what to do with it, who should stay there. One day, my wife went to church and this woman told her that God told her she was the person to stay in her spare bedroom. She hadn't told the woman she was praying for a place to stay before that, but she did after. She still calls the woman 'auntee' in her language and they consider each other to be family.
Once, we were poor and I had just finished school. We were moving. My wife told me that someone had given her $400. I prayed, silently, "Lord, I'd like someone to give me $400." Within two hours, someone put $400 in my hand. I almost refused it until I saw that it was $400 and that I'd just prayed for that. I decided I'd better not refuse it.
Don't give her a dime. Get rid of her. She may be nice now but when you deal with poor girls with poor families you are asking to be sucked dry. There is plenty of educated middle class girls with decent jobs here. Find you one.
This forum and the internet is rife with stories of guys who marry a good girl only to have her poor ass family manipulate her to get your cash. First is a money for a festival then her brother needs tricycle so he can earn some money, then they want rice field, then when its harvest time the birds ate all the rice and they need more money. Check out this forum there is many a story about this kinda things. http://www.philippines-addicts.com/forum/
I love Girls & Ladyboys and I really don't give a f**k what you think about it.
awww huhu Joe Mag Kano. Buffalo sick, send money!!!!
You did the right thing OP. Once the deception occurs there should be no second chances. She probably spent the cash down the mall too.
Like PinayLover said, it's the family you need to be very wary of, not just the girl herself, and I'm speaking from experience. I lay down the law when meeting someone new now. No money to be sent ever and no supporting their family ever. Don't like it? Jog on!