Tying payments to your gf/wife to certain conditions?

[skn]

Hey guys,

I'm fairly fit guy who's soon to be in the market for a Thai girlfriend (I live in Thailand). As you probably know it's pretty common to give payments to the girlfriend to help out her poor family, unless of course her family is not poor (as is the case with many folks in BKK, but I'm in a more modest region).

Setting aside discussions on whether paying the girlfriend is okay or not, I'd like to ask the guys who do pay if you attach conditions that your girlfriend or wife should abide by.

if you do, how well has this worked out? If not, what prompted your decision to give money unconditionally?


As for my own situation:

Fitness is a big deal for me but it seems as human beings, only 10% of the population has a natural inclination to keep up with exercise. I'm in the other 90%. I found personally that nothing short of thinking of the future reward could get me past the first six months. After that, it became integral to my life, as I was forced to cut old habits to make room for new ones.

Exercise is not a part of Thai culture, and even in the west women exercise at half the rate that men do. I'd like to attach fitness conditions (both cardio and weight training0 to any payments I give my girlfriend. Of course I'd be right there beside her, but that alone is not enough for most couples to get the other one on board. I think if I'm giving money though, maybe that might be a good way to get the partner on board, although the financial leverage aspect would be obvious to all parties.

[xtravel]

Setting aside discussions on whether paying the girlfriend is okay or not, I'd like to ask the guys who do pay if you attach conditions that your girlfriend or wife should abide by.

No, I don't.

Exercise is not a part of Thai culture, and even in the west women exercise at half the rate that men do. I'd like to attach fitness conditions (both cardio and weight training0 to any payments I give my girlfriend. Of course I'd be right there beside her, but that alone is not enough for most couples to get the other one on board. I think if I'm giving money though, maybe that might be a good way to get the partner on board, although the financial leverage aspect would be obvious to all parties.

Good luck with that.

[geotek3]

Wouldn't you be better off choosing a women who values fitness rather than trying to force her? Since you value being fit, my advice is to restrict your search to women that already exercise or have expressed an interest in exercising.

[fschmidt]

I do this but describe it differently. We have 2 bank accounts, one for investment and one for personal spending. We have a whiteboard that lists weekly requirements for each person in the family: me, my wife, and kids. These requirements were previously agreed on. When the requirements are complete, the weekly family/personal allowance is transfered from the investment account to the personal account. Everyone's requirements includes exercise. So this is thought of as family obligations rather than me paying anyone, because I also only spend from the personal account.

It is not reasonable to expect women and children to discipline themselves, so some system like this is absolutely needed.

[MrMan]

fschmidt's system could work. It looks kind of like an accountant, cheaper-by-the-dozen sort of thing to do. But it could work for some families. Just singling out your woman for this could cause some relationship issues.

When I read the title I was thinking more along the lines of a man withholding extra spending money from his wife if she refused to do something. If a man is married to an immature woman who is a shopaholic, witholding her spending money or taking away her access to credit cards may make sense. But she may feel she is being treated as a child. If she's acting like one, that may be appropriate. Or if a couple were going to go on vacation, and she spent a lot of money on something, he could tell her the vacation is canceled because they can no longer afford it after she spent that money. My wife is frugal, so I am happy I have been spared the headache of a shopaholic. Lack of self control when it comes to spending money is a good red flag to add to the risk of red flags, btw.

One of the problems with giving money if she does X,Y,Z is that it is a very 'transactional' way of doing things. A woman can feel a bit like a prostitute, and especially in a GF situation, it may actually be encouraging and enforcing her not to love you but just to be with you for the money. You don't want her holding out her hand for some money if she cooks you some food or does some other favor for you. The way fschmidt does it with the family makes more sense. The wife may see it as a way of teaching the children and involving the parents to be fair, while the husband is also doing it to get his wife to exercise.

My wife is thinner than I am, but doesn't hit the fitness center upstairs nearly as much as I do. She does do leg lifts and other things in the morning, so she gets some exercise. She ran on the treadmill last night, and she keeps talking about wanting to use the fitness center. Part of the problem is being busy with the kids and taking care of things around the house. But I'm going to text her now and remind her she has an open window of time.

Best regards,
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