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Need your guys' advice/opinions - my mom does not want me to marry my Filipino girlfriend who lives abroad

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Horahngee
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Need your guys' advice/opinions - my mom does not want me to marry my Filipino girlfriend who lives abroad

Post by Horahngee » March 8th, 2018, 8:27 am

Okay guys. So dating has not been very successful for me here in the US. My mom has been an active person for asking her customers and/or church friends to find potential girls to date. Most of the girls my mom has looked for were Korean girls, either born in the US, or born in Korea, but from Korea studying English in the US. That is because my mom is Korean.

Last year around March, a co-worker of mine (she was considered to be a friend) who is a Filipina, and originally from the Philippines, introduced me to one of her friends living in the Philippines. Let's say her friend's name is "J." And the co-worker's name is "L." I started to chat with "J" via FB Messenger app since the end of April last year. We started to get to know each other and started to text each other more. When it came to May 23rd of last year, that's when "J" initiated the move to call me "honey." She said from that day on, we should be considered to be in a relationship. So I concurred with her, and we have been considered to be in a relationship at that time. We continued to chat pretty much almost everyday. I have never experienced this kind of girlfriend experience before, because the kind of GF's that I have had here in the US, they hardly sent me any text messages at all.
I was gone from work for the entire month of June as I had to visit and take care of my dad who had stomach surgery. When I returned to work in July, seemed like "L" the former coworker of mine, was more cold and distant towards me. However, "J" and I kept chatting over Messenger every day. I also would occasionally chat with "L" over messenger too.
FYI, "L" is already married to a white american guy. Well one day, I asked "L" "So when are you coming to work this week?" The husband of "L" must have accessed her phone, and told me "hey man, she is busy. Why do you keep texting her?"
I was pissed off so I responded by "Listen, my name is xxxxx, not 'hey man.'" I said that because I found it derrogatory and demeaning to address me as "hey man."
"J" heard about the whole hooplah, so she told me to apologize. That is when I got upset with "J" and should have broken off my relationship to "J." Since then, I just smile at "L" when I saw her at work. I no longer work in her department as I transferred to a different department at the end of December.

I visited home in HI in mid-September of last year, where my mom asked one of her customers, also a Filipino, if she knew any single girls. This was a month prior to me visiting HI in September. The customer then gave me the name of my current GF's aunty, whom I have contacted. The aunty then gave me the name of my current GF and told me to contact my current GF via Facebook. Let's refer to my girlfriend as "Grace" (but that's not her real name).

Since September of last year onward, I have been chatting with both "J" and Grace on and off. "J" would be more irking as she would send me text messages morning, afternoon, night time.

To make a long story short, I decided to fly to the Philippines to visit Grace, because she did not text me a lot and seemed a lot more modest. Plus after the big hooplah with "L" ...I had less interest in a relationship with "J." I flew to the Philippines in January this year, to visit Grace, and her family. I slept at their house. Prior to flying to the Philippines, my mom was also very interested in me marrying Grace, eventually at the end of this year.

I spent about six days in the Philippines with Grace, her older sister, and her dad drove us around Illocos Sur and to Baguio to visit touristy areas.

I have only met Grace for six days, but towards the end of my stay, I felt like she was the right girlfriend, a gift from God to me. The dad and mom of Grace also sat down with me in their living room on the last night of my stay, and asked me if I wanted to marry Grace. I told them to hold on first, because Grace has to first take her US-based nursing board exam first, get a Us license first, before I can make consideration to marry her. Nevertheless, I fell in love with Grace, and on the last day when her older brother drove us to the airport, I was hugging her in the backseat of the car.

Fast forward to two days after I return to the US, Grace's sister-in-law asked me if she could post some of our pictures, pictures with me hugging Grace at various tourist sites. I told her to go ahead, but not tag me in the photos. Well, "J" and "L" and "J's" friends who are also connected to me via FB, found out about my trip to the Philippines. "J" was livid and kept texting me angry messages on Messenger. I was still at work in the hospital at that time. I eventually had to block out "J" on my messenger app. THen "L" started to send me messages....I eventually blocked her too. That pissed off "L". "L" never stopped and then started to send nasty messages about me to my current girlfriend, GF's older sister and sister-in-law about me, persuading my GF to break up with me. Since I blocked "L"....she decided to send messeges inteded to me, to some of the other co-workers, mainly Filipino's, who used to work with me, asking them to forward her messages to me, since I did not block them on FB. So more people at my workplace now knows about all the sh-t storm. So officially, I completely broke up with "J" after the discovery of my photos with Grace on FB.

Fast forward again, I explained to my current GF everything about "J" and how I got to know her and also how I knew "L." She eventually understood my situation and forgave. Same with my GF's mom.

However, MY damn mom, after the big sh-tstorm, does not want me to be with my girlfriend anymore. She even told her Filipino customer, the one who introduced me to my GF's aunty, that she does not like any Filipina's. That hurt my feelings.

I was hoping to re-visit Grace again in May because her younger brother is getting married and I wanted to attend the younger brother's wedding. I was hoping to spend more time with getting to know Grace and to also spend time in Manila to tour the area.

Now, my mom is still being stubborn, telling me to break up with Grace, and now, she is actively asking her Korean friends for a Korean girl to be paired up with me.

My mom is also worried that "L" is going to make more trouble between me and Grace, if I do get married to Grace, and Grace moves to the US. I don't work with "L" anymore as I am working in a different department. I also plan on relocating to a different part of the city.
Yet, my mom is still telling me that "L" and "J" can still spy on Grace's facebook account and cause more trouble to us in the future. I think my mom is just over-thinking things and is just paranoid.

I am also expected to go on a trip to Korea next week where my mom reportedly has distant relatives who has found three different single girls.

*sigh*

What do you guys think?

Do you think I should go against my mom's wishes and still marry Grace? it's going to be expensive because I have to do the I-130 form process and hire an immigration attorney to help me with the fiance visa paperwork.

I have already been introduced to many Korean girls in the past, and they were all flakes. They either stopped texting me out of the blues, or seemed very arrogant and cold towards me.




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Johnny1975
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Re: Need your guys' advice/opinions - my mom currently does not want me to marry my Filipino girlfriend who lives abroad

Post by Johnny1975 » March 8th, 2018, 12:11 pm

I think you should do whatever you mother wants you to do, like a good little asian boy. And when you eventually get married, you must obey your wife. Who will your wife be? Why, your mother will decide that, of course.

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Re: Need your guys' advice/opinions - my mom currently does not want me to marry my Filipino girlfriend who lives abroad

Post by LFL » March 8th, 2018, 12:57 pm

Until you are able to set boundaries with your mother, and enforce them, you shouldn't marry anyone. A man makes his own decisions.

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Re: Need your guys' advice/opinions - my mom currently does not want me to marry my Filipino girlfriend who lives abroad

Post by MrMan » March 8th, 2018, 1:10 pm

You made some mistakes here. You shouldn't have gone to visit Grace while J was still your girlfriend. Now, with Facebook, everyone knows. The Filippino community in Hawaii is huge, but still they can know each other and word can get around.

First of all, where is your dad in this story? Is he still in the picture? Is he Korean? White? Filippino? Is he type of man who is in the home in the K-drama where the woman rules the roost? (There are male-led homes in these dramas, too.) If he's not Korean, then you can tell your mom if you marry a Korean, your children won't be acknowledged as full Korean anyway, so what is the point? You can also try to get her to take some responsibility for trying to break hearts-- yours and these Filippino girls you keep dating. You can also point out that she shouldn't be racist toward Filippinas.

If I were single and I had a choice between a Filippina and a Korean, all else being equal in terms of looks and character, I'd probably go with the FIlippina. The culture seems easier to deal with. I like Korean food more. But I think Filippinas are probably more traditional and familiy oriented than Korean these days. Since you are half Korean, you probably understand the culture better than I do, so it would not be as big of a deal for you. Filippinos seem more laid back than Koreans, too. For looks, though, there are an awful lot of Korean 7s and 8s all over the place there, it seems. The Filippines has a lot of pretty girls, too.

Whatever you do, try to get your mom onboard. I don't agree with the idea of people just going off and getting married without respecting their parents. If you could get your mom to actually know your girlfriend and get her involved in the process somehow so she feels emotionally invested and doesn't try to cause problems for your relationship, that may be a way to go about it. If your dad is in the home, you may need his help to tame his wife a bit and support you in looking for a wife.

You could look at statistics for average age of loosing virginity (I read 23.9 for Korean women) and marriage for Filippinas and Koreans. If Filippinas tend to keep their virginity, you could point out that Filippinas are more likely to be virgins at marriage as 'ammo' to give your mom a reason to prefer Filippinas.

As far as J and L or K or whoever causing problems for you after you get married, a lot of Filippinas take marriage quite seriously. So if you actually got married, the storm might just stop then and there. What can they do? You got married already. They shouldn't try to destroy that. They may think like that. You never know with people.

IMO, it wasn't cool leading the girl on like that. You could have broken up with her.

Also, texting you every day is not a bad thing, not unless she's acting obsessive or jealous or something like that.

Are you planning on living on the mainland and Hawaii? What city are you thinking of? I don't know how connected Filippino communities are with Hawaii. It could be if you aren't in Las Vegas, communities aren't really connected in terms of gossip.

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Re: Need your guys' advice/opinions - my mom currently does not want me to marry my Filipino girlfriend who lives abroad

Post by Horahngee » March 9th, 2018, 3:20 am

Johnny1975 wrote:
March 8th, 2018, 12:11 pm
I think you should do whatever you mother wants you to do, like a good little asian boy. And when you eventually get married, you must obey your wife. Who will your wife be? Why, your mother will decide that, of course.
^^ Wow, that was a bit racist statement there, Johnny. It's not like East Asian children only listen to their parents. There are also white, black, south Asian, arab, and jewish parents who also object to their children marrying outside of their racial or religious group if they are super strict.

What's effed up about my situation is that my sister, wow, she got to marry an Indian-American guy (East Indian, but actually from Fiji).

But for me? Sh-t, I can't marry a Filipino girl because my mom listens to her customers, her Filipino customers, telling her that many Filipina's are gold-diggers, sleep with many guys, divorce their husbands and steal all the money in the bank account, steal the house, child support, etc. That is what my ignorant mom is afraid about if I marry my Filipina girlfriend.

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Re: Need your guys' advice/opinions - my mom currently does not want me to marry my Filipino girlfriend who lives abroad

Post by Horahngee » March 9th, 2018, 4:33 am

MrMan wrote:
March 8th, 2018, 1:10 pm
You made some mistakes here. You shouldn't have gone to visit Grace while J was still your girlfriend. Now, with Facebook, everyone knows. The Filippino community in Hawaii is huge, but still they can know each other and word can get around.
Hello MrMan. I really appreciate your honest and informative feedback.

Well, to "J" (my ex GF)...she thought I was still in a relationship with her, because I was not blunt with her to break it off. I should have...stupid me. However, I did not really know Grace at that time either. Just knew Grace by chatting with her through Messenger. Hence, I decided to stick with "J" for a bit. Even if I did not really like her.

I also did not like "J" because of that argument that I had with "L" (former co-worker) and her husband about the text message. Stupid me. Like I've said, I should have ended it off with "J" after that argument.

However, I have not had a real/genuine girlfriend here in the US. "J" being a Filipina in the Philippines, she was really nice by sending me Messenger text messages everyday, morning, lunchtime, dinner....you name it. It made me feel good.

Especially now that I live away from home in the Seattle area (moreso by Olympia), away from parents, and only have a few friends that I know who live here. But even if friends, one of them is married with a baby daughter. The other guy is engaged, and they live 55 miles away. So with "J" sending me daily messages, I felt happy.

First of all, where is your dad in this story? Is he still in the picture? Is he Korean? White? Filippino? Is he type of man who is in the home in the K-drama where the woman rules the roost? (There are male-led homes in these dramas, too.) If he's not Korean, then you can tell your mom if you marry a Korean, your children won't be acknowledged as full Korean anyway, so what is the point?
My dad (biological father) is Japanese-American, a sansei (3rd generation). However, he is not a very strong type of person. he's very passive and quiet. My mom, she is a very bossy person, takes most of my dad's paycheck, and even some times, does not even buy him enough food to eat (isn't this some sort of abuse too?). My mom is, no offense, because she has raised me up,....but quite a f---ed up person. Even my sister does not talk to my mom that often because my mom said racist things about my sister marrying an Indian-American guy.

For my sister, it's okay for her to go against my mom's wish, as her husband makes a lot of money, they have their own house, and have two kids now.

For me, it's going to be really really really difficult for me to finance a house. Number one, I don't have much in my savings account for down payment for either a house or a condo. Number two, it costs a lot of money for the I-130 foreign spouse paperwork to be processed ($550 ??). I will also have to hire an immigration attorney to help me with the paperwork process to bring my GF (fiance if we do get engaged) over to the US, and the attorney fee is around $2100-$2600. I work as a nurse here in the US. My girlfriend worked as a nurse in Saudi Arabia, but is not unemployed for the last two years because it is REALLY DIFFICULT to find a job, a nursing job in the province (Illocos Sur is her home town area) area. She told me there is heavy favoritism for job hires if you are connected to a politician in the Philippines.

You can also point out that she shouldn't be racist toward Filippinas.
^^ MrMan, my mom is a typical old-school ignorant dumb Korean lady. She was born couple years before the Korean war, her mom passed away when she was 15 years old, and had a lot of fights with her brothers and sisters. This is why I have not met my maternal uncles and aunties that much. In fact, my mom hates one of my aunties (her older sister), calls her a bar slut, and accuses my dad of having affairs in the past with my aunty.

Ironically, my mom was paired up with my dad, match making, as my dad being Japanese-American, was born in Hawaii. My mom from S. Korea. (But my mom was previously married to another Korean guy who had US residency...which she is how she got her US green card....but broke up with him).


If I were single and I had a choice between a Filippina and a Korean, all else being equal in terms of looks and character, I'd probably go with the FIlippina. The culture seems easier to deal with.
Wow, really? A lot of my friends are Chinese guys. So they told me that it's better if I hook up with a Korean girl because culturally, it will be easier for my ignorant/bossy/totalitarian/tiger-kimchee mom to communicate with a Korean wife.

Plus a Korean wife can "make Korean food" for my mom if she does visit our house and tiger-kimchee mom demands that kind of sh-t.

And to be frank MrMan, I don't mind Filipino food. However, some of their food tends to be very greasy, they eat a lot of pork, and some of their candies and snacks are deep fried and sweet. I guess that's another issue that my mom pointed out....their food and how my mom dislikes greasy Filipino food.

For looks, though, there are an awful lot of Korean 7s and 8s all over the place there, it seems. The Filippines has a lot of pretty girls, too.
Since my mom is objecting to me marrying my Filipina girlfriend, she is ACTIVELY asking her Korean friends in Korea to find me a single Korean girl, Christian, who attends church, and has a job.

I actually flew to Korea two weeks ago, and was introduced to two girl. One is too young, she's in her low 20's....very large age gap for me. Plus she was super shy and looked like she did not even want to see me. She's also only a freshmen in college in Korea! WTF? I told my mom, "nah....not her"

The other Korean girl I met, she's from the SAME hometown as my kimchee-tiger mom. What a coincidence.
That girl...for looks, I'd say she's a 6 or 7/10. So not really too bad. She works in


The plus side with Korean citizens, or having a Korean GF, is that if they want to visit the US for tourist visits, they don't have to apply for a US tourist visa. Korean passports, Japanese passports.....their citizens get automatic tourist visa with just the entry stamp.

Filipino citizens, on the other hand, have to apply for the B-1 or B-2...whatever the hell it is....US tourist visa, and it may take a long time for this kind of paperwork to be processed. Plus if my GF want to visit me, she would have to wait, and also drive five to six hours down to Manila to be interviewed at the US embassy in Manila. *sigh*




Whatever you do, try to get your mom onboard. I don't agree with the idea of people just going off and getting married without respecting their parents.
MrMan. Thanks for your honest opinion about getting mom onboard. Unfortunately, my crazy mom is not budging, and she is all for the Korean girl who is from her hometown. My mom is totally against my GF Grace, because Grace is Filipina, she's currently unemployed in the Philippines (but not by her choice....it's because of the cr@ppy economic situation there). Nothing will change her mind unless she gets a lobotomy. I'm dead serious.


[/quote
If you could get your mom to actually know your girlfriend and get her involved in the process somehow so she feels emotionally invested and doesn't try to cause problems for your relationship, that may be a way to go about it. If your dad is in the home, you may need his help to tame his wife a bit and support you in looking for a wife. [/quote]

My dad is a quiet type of guy....non confrontational. He's the typical nice Japanese-American guy that you meet in HI.
No, unfortunately, my mom will not budge, not agree to get to know Grace.

It's like she's already made up her mind after my ex-GF and former co-worker sent nasty text messages to Grace and I know that the ex co-worker will try to sabotage our relationship if we do get married in the near future. That ex co-worker (also a Filipina) is nasty to the core.


You could look at statistics for average age of loosing virginity (I read 23.9 for Korean women) and marriage for Filippinas and Koreans. If Filippinas tend to keep their virginity, you could point out that Filippinas are more likely to be virgins at marriage as 'ammo' to give your mom a reason to prefer Filippinas.
I actually told my thick-headed mom this statistic. Guess what? She told me that the low average age for Korean women losing their virginity are mainly the Seoul-based Korean girls living their life on facial make-ups, lipsticks and Victoria Secret undies. She then pointed out that girls from the countryside of Korea don't lose their virginity until marriage time.
As far as J and L or K or whoever causing problems for you after you get married, a lot of Filippinas take marriage quite seriously. So if you actually got married, the storm might just stop then and there. What can they do? You got married already. They shouldn't try to destroy that. They may think like that.
Oh hahaha MrMan. :D
You would think that way. But I have heard stories where Filipinas meet with their other groups of Filipina friends, and when the husband is out of the house, such as at work, they all go together to a bar, drink alcohol together. Some even have extra-marital sex with other guys at the bar or their outings.
"L"...the former nasty co-worker could find out Grace's location by "spying" on my GF's Facebook activities and information, and then start to "tempt" her to separate from me. At least that's all the stupid theories that my mom is concocting in her kimchee barrel head.

IMO, it wasn't cool leading the girl on like that. You could have broken up with her.
Yes, MrMan. You are soooooo right on the money. I kick myself in the arse for this. And this is the MAIN REASON why my mom all of a sudden did a 180 turn on Grace.

Otherwise, had this stupid hoopla of "J" and "L" and "L's" friends finding out about the Facebook photos with me and Grace, I am definitely be sure that I will be on my way to the Philippines this May, and that my mom would have a more favorable view of Grace.
Also, texting you every day is not a bad thing, not unless she's acting obsessive or jealous or something like that.
Oh no it is not. Sending me text messages everyday is GREAT according to me. You hardly have girls of this magnitude here in the US or other western countries send text messages their BF's everyday. This constant text message is one of the ways that Filipino girlfriends make you feel welcomed, belonged, etc...
Are you planning on living on the mainland and Hawaii? What city are you thinking of? I don't know how connected Filippino communities are with Hawaii. It could be if you aren't in Las Vegas, communities aren't really connected in terms of gossip.
Plan on living on the mainland. More specifically the Bay Area. I currently live near Olympia in WA state.

I was thinking of going back and living in Hawaii. But nah....too humid and too small for me.

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Re: Need your guys' advice/opinions - my mom currently does not want me to marry my Filipino girlfriend who lives abroad

Post by Johnny1975 » March 9th, 2018, 11:50 am

Horahngee wrote:
March 9th, 2018, 3:20 am
Johnny1975 wrote:
March 8th, 2018, 12:11 pm
I think you should do whatever you mother wants you to do, like a good little asian boy. And when you eventually get married, you must obey your wife. Who will your wife be? Why, your mother will decide that, of course.
^^ Wow, that was a bit racist statement there, Johnny. It's not like East Asian children only listen to their parents. There are also white, black, south Asian, arab, and jewish parents who also object to their children marrying outside of their racial or religious group if they are super strict.

What's effed up about my situation is that my sister, wow, she got to marry an Indian-American guy (East Indian, but actually from Fiji).

But for me? Sh-t, I can't marry a Filipino girl because my mom listens to her customers, her Filipino customers, telling her that many Filipina's are gold-diggers, sleep with many guys, divorce their husbands and steal all the money in the bank account, steal the house, child support, etc. That is what my ignorant mom is afraid about if I marry my Filipina girlfriend.
Ok then don't marry a filipina. The luxury of having someone rule your life is that you never have to make any decisions. Lucky you.

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Re: Need your guys' advice/opinions - my mom currently does not want me to marry my Filipino girlfriend who lives abroad

Post by Zambales » March 9th, 2018, 9:40 pm

Forget about marrying this Grace. For now. You've known her six months and only met her once. Get to know her better.

Your mother should be giving out this advice but instead she's acting in a controlling and overbearing manner. She may have given birth to you but she doesn't own you.

Both of you seem quite impetuous though. What's the hurry?

How old are you anyway?

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Re: Need your guys' advice/opinions - my mom currently does not want me to marry my Filipino girlfriend who lives abroad

Post by Horahngee » March 9th, 2018, 11:14 pm

Johnny1975 wrote:
March 9th, 2018, 11:50 am


Ok then don't marry a filipina. The luxury of having someone rule your life is that you never have to make any decisions. Lucky you.

^^ Great, another racist video of yours. A white guy making fun of East Asian, moreso the Chinese, aspect of how family is run.

Remember Johnny, my mom and dad, were the ones who supported me while growing up. So they do have a say in deciding my marriage. My dad doesn't really care. I could marry a horse, and he would not bat an eye. My mom...typical Kimchee-tiger mom.

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Re: Need your guys' advice/opinions - my mom currently does not want me to marry my Filipino girlfriend who lives abroad

Post by Horahngee » March 9th, 2018, 11:22 pm

Zambales wrote:
March 9th, 2018, 9:40 pm
Forget about marrying this Grace. For now. You've known her six months and only met her once. Get to know her better.

Your mother should be giving out this advice but instead she's acting in a controlling and overbearing manner. She may have given birth to you but she doesn't own you.
Yes, I will get to know her better. My sister also recommended me to get to know Grace more by visiting her more often. However, it cost a lot of money to fly out to the Philippines, and the drive from NAIA airport to her province is a grueling five to six hour drive.

It is too bad that Filipino nationals/citizens must apply for the US B-2 Tourist visa to visit the US.

Yes, you're right, my mom doesn't own me. But she does have control over family's finance, and original plan was for her to help me buy a condo. That would have provided a more comfortable environment for me to take care of Grace if we do get married and she comes to live in the US.

However, without that support, I would have to work a sh-tload of hours to cover renting an apartment, buying food/grocery for BOTH her and me, pay for utility bills, credit card payments etc.

Hence, it's better off if I tell Grace that we are not going to marry because of the dire living situations that she may face if she lives here. I have hinted that to Grace's mom, and Grace's mom is raving on and on about how Grace can live in dire situations, and can live off of little.
Both of you seem quite impetuous though. What's the hurry?
Yeah, you're right. What's the rush? LOL.

What is your opinion on this though. The dad was asking me at the end of my one-week visit if I wanted to marry Grace. I was shocked. Is that like a red flag that the parents are pushing Grace to marry me simply for a US green card?

Grace is a very genuine person. She is not the typical snotty Filipina that I come across here in the US. She is very shy, quiet type of person. However, her mom, can some times be overbearing.

I even hinted at Grace's mom via Messenger text of possibly breaking up with Grace if my mom does not approve of Grace, and Grace's mom seemed to have gotten upset with me over that comment.

I also asked Grace's mom over Messenger if Grace has any financial obligations towards the family if she were to come to the US.

Then Grace's mom got upset, asking why my mom has to know where Grace's future income (if she were to come here to the US) goes to.

How old are you anyway?
Mid 30's. Getting older. Most of my friends have already married or are engaged. I'm the only oddball still not married, and may become single again in the coming weeks if I cannot marry Grace.

However, there is a Korean girl whom I have met two weeks ago from my mom's hometown in Korea. The plus side to her is that she's employed, where as Grace is not employed at this time (because it's very difficult to find a job in the Philippines). However, my Korean speaking capability is not 100% fluent. That may be a barrier to communication.

But yes, I don't see a rush in getting married. But Grace's dad, seems to be in a rush to have me tie the knot with her within this year. :shock:

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Re: Need your guys' advice/opinions - my mom currently does not want me to marry my Filipino girlfriend who lives abroad

Post by Yohan » March 10th, 2018, 8:03 am

Openly said, all what I read here is not optimal.
You also seem to be very unsure, what to do and what not to do.

Solution: Wait it out for a while, stay single, keep friendly contact with these girls you know and also with your mother - and continue to work and wait for a while before you decide what to do - I think, don't wait too long, but about 6 to 12 months should be OK - don't hurry.

The Korean girl is not really what you want obviously, the Filipina girl I think you do not know really so much about her, and so better wait... maybe another woman will show up which fits you better and might be also accepted within your family members - who knows?

I say it again, do not hurry - there is no reason to hurry at all.

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Zambales
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Re: Need your guys' advice/opinions - my mom currently does not want me to marry my Filipino girlfriend who lives abroad

Post by Zambales » March 10th, 2018, 11:19 am

Horahngee wrote:
March 9th, 2018, 11:22 pm
Zambales wrote:
March 9th, 2018, 9:40 pm
Forget about marrying this Grace. For now. You've known her six months and only met her once. Get to know her better.

Your mother should be giving out this advice but instead she's acting in a controlling and overbearing manner. She may have given birth to you but she doesn't own you.
Yes, I will get to know her better. My sister also recommended me to get to know Grace more by visiting her more often. However, it cost a lot of money to fly out to the Philippines, and the drive from NAIA airport to her province is a grueling five to six hour drive.

It is too bad that Filipino nationals/citizens must apply for the US B-2 Tourist visa to visit the US.

Yes, you're right, my mom doesn't own me. But she does have control over family's finance, and original plan was for her to help me buy a condo. That would have provided a more comfortable environment for me to take care of Grace if we do get married and she comes to live in the US.

However, without that support, I would have to work a sh-tload of hours to cover renting an apartment, buying food/grocery for BOTH her and me, pay for utility bills, credit card payments etc.

Hence, it's better off if I tell Grace that we are not going to marry because of the dire living situations that she may face if she lives here. I have hinted that to Grace's mom, and Grace's mom is raving on and on about how Grace can live in dire situations, and can live off of little.
Both of you seem quite impetuous though. What's the hurry?
Yeah, you're right. What's the rush? LOL.

What is your opinion on this though. The dad was asking me at the end of my one-week visit if I wanted to marry Grace. I was shocked. Is that like a red flag that the parents are pushing Grace to marry me simply for a US green card?

Grace is a very genuine person. She is not the typical snotty Filipina that I come across here in the US. She is very shy, quiet type of person. However, her mom, can some times be overbearing.

I even hinted at Grace's mom via Messenger text of possibly breaking up with Grace if my mom does not approve of Grace, and Grace's mom seemed to have gotten upset with me over that comment.

I also asked Grace's mom over Messenger if Grace has any financial obligations towards the family if she were to come to the US.

Then Grace's mom got upset, asking why my mom has to know where Grace's future income (if she were to come here to the US) goes to.

How old are you anyway?
Mid 30's. Getting older. Most of my friends have already married or are engaged. I'm the only oddball still not married, and may become single again in the coming weeks if I cannot marry Grace.

However, there is a Korean girl whom I have met two weeks ago from my mom's hometown in Korea. The plus side to her is that she's employed, where as Grace is not employed at this time (because it's very difficult to find a job in the Philippines). However, my Korean speaking capability is not 100% fluent. That may be a barrier to communication.

But yes, I don't see a rush in getting married. But Grace's dad, seems to be in a rush to have me tie the knot with her within this year. :shock:
For what it's worth I'm 47 and never been married. Am I bothered? Not at all.

Don't fall into the "I feel like an oddball" trap by rushing into something based on the habits of others. Each person's circumstances are different. What might suit them might not suit you. I guarantee there's a fair percentage of married folk who would envy your single status - so don't see it as a negative.

I think you should concentrate on your finances/career first and foremost and becoming independent from your mother. Forget marrying anyone at this juncture. This Grace woman may be genuine but you don't know that for sure at this early stage and her father's behaviour signals a massive red flag and no doubt sees you as a monthly paycheck rather than a human being. Just remember, when marrying a Filipina you'll most likely be marrying the family too.

Johnny1975
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Re: Need your guys' advice/opinions - my mom currently does not want me to marry my Filipino girlfriend who lives abroad

Post by Johnny1975 » March 10th, 2018, 12:27 pm

Horahngee wrote:
March 9th, 2018, 11:14 pm
Johnny1975 wrote:
March 9th, 2018, 11:50 am


Ok then don't marry a filipina. The luxury of having someone rule your life is that you never have to make any decisions. Lucky you.

^^ Great, another racist video of yours. A white guy making fun of East Asian, moreso the Chinese, aspect of how family is run.

Remember Johnny, my mom and dad, were the ones who supported me while growing up. So they do have a say in deciding my marriage. My dad doesn't really care. I could marry a horse, and he would not bat an eye. My mom...typical Kimchee-tiger mom.
No that's only the first racist video of mine. I have more lined up. But don't worry about that, you have more important things to be concerned with, such as what decision your boss is going to make for you next.
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MrMan
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Re: Need your guys' advice/opinions - my mom currently does not want me to marry my Filipino girlfriend who lives abroad

Post by MrMan » March 20th, 2018, 4:52 am

Horahngee wrote:
March 9th, 2018, 4:33 am

Well, to "J" (my ex GF)...she thought I was still in a relationship with her, because I was not blunt with her to break it off. I should have...stupid me. However, I did not really know Grace at that time either. Just knew Grace by chatting with her through Messenger. Hence, I decided to stick with "J" for a bit. Even if I did not really like her.
If you don't see a future with a girl, it's best not to date her. Especially with southeast Asian girls, and a lot of Asian girls, who don't date for fun. They date to find a husband.
My dad (biological father) is Japanese-American, a sansei (3rd generation). However, he is not a very strong type of person. he's very passive and quiet. My mom, she is a very bossy person, takes most of my dad's paycheck, and even some times, does not even buy him enough food to eat (isn't this some sort of abuse too?).
Maybe you ought to ask him why he allows it, and give him a book or send him to a blog or something. I haven't read 'No More Mister Nice Guy', but it is supposed to have stuff in it to help passive men. There has to be some book to help him rethink the way he's acting and draw some boundaries and insist on some respect. Even if he is quiet, it may be helpful to get his support.
For me, it's going to be really really really difficult for me to finance a house. Number one, I don't have much in my savings account for down payment for either a house or a condo. Number two, it costs a lot of money for the I-130 foreign spouse paperwork to be processed ($550 ??).
Do I want to marry this one or that one. Hmmm. This one is great, but I have to pay an extra $550 to marry her... I don't think $550 should be a real issue in regard to who to date or marry if you are working full-time in your field.
I will also have to hire an immigration attorney to help me with the paperwork process to bring my GF (fiance if we do get engaged) over to the US, and the attorney fee is around $2100-$2600. I work as a nurse here in the US. My girlfriend worked as a nurse in Saudi Arabia, but is not unemployed for the last two years because it is REALLY DIFFICULT to find a job, a nursing job in the province (Illocos Sur is her home town area) area. She told me there is heavy favoritism for job hires if you are connected to a politician in the Philippines.
If you both went to work in the same place in the middle east, that might be a way to both get a job. Do they still accept Filippino nurses who pass the tests into the US, or did they stop that when the market got somewhat saturated?
Ironically, my mom was paired up with my dad, match making, as my dad being Japanese-American, was born in Hawaii. My mom from S. Korea. (But my mom was previously married to another Korean guy who had US residency...which she is how she got her US green card....but broke up with him).
It sounds like your mother was not too successful when it comes to marriage.
If I were single and I had a choice between a Filippina and a Korean, all else being equal in terms of looks and character, I'd probably go with the FIlippina. The culture seems easier to deal with.
Wow, really? A lot of my friends are Chinese guys. So they told me that it's better if I hook up with a Korean girl because culturally, it will be easier for my ignorant/bossy/totalitarian/tiger-kimchee mom to communicate with a Korean wife.

Plus a Korean wife can "make Korean food" for my mom if she does visit our house and tiger-kimchee mom demands that kind of sh-t.
I am a white guy, and my mom would not demand that my wife make her kimchi. :) From my perspective, the advantages of Filippinas Koreans, if I were single and looking for a wife, are:

1. Probably Filippinas are more submissive in general. Maybe not. Maybe I am mistaking politeness and a laid back attitude as a tendency toward submission.
2. They seem family and home-oriented. It seems like Filippinas might value having kids and cooking more than the modern Korean woman. It seems like the traditional culture 'sticks' more.
3. Korean culture is so foreign too me, and Filippinas seem like they would be more laid back and looser about cultural differences.

I've never been to the Philippines, but I have spent time around Flippinos in Hawaii, for what that is worth. My wife is Indonesian, and the cultures seem loosely similar. A few thousand years ago, they probably had common ancestors. If you invite Filippinas over for dinner, they wash your dishes and clean up your kitchen. Indonesians do the same. I don't know about Koreans.

I like Korean food better, I think. Filippino food is okay to me. It's a bit boring compared to Indonesian food. Korean food is good, but if I ate it every day, the flavors get repetitive, garlic leaks, hot pepper, fish sauce, over and over again. Not enough salt in the soup and vegetable dishes. I really like Korean food now, but when I lived there, it got boring and I'd eat western food quite often for variety. Filippino food doesn't really have the bold flavors, but they might have a bit more variety in other ways.

For you, Korean culture may not be that foreign.

Also, you have that issue of mamma wanting a Korean daughter-in-law who can cook for her. A Filippina may try to do that, but your mom may not ever be pleased with her. She might be reasonably pleased as much as she can be with a Korean, especially if she approved or felt like she helped pick her out.
And to be frank MrMan, I don't mind Filipino food. However, some of their food tends to be very greasy, they eat a lot of pork, and some of their candies and snacks are deep fried and sweet. I guess that's another issue that my mom pointed out....their food and how my mom dislikes greasy Filipino food.
My wife can make Korean spinach and kimchi, so a Filippina might learn.

It doesn't sound like you have anything really deep with any of these girls. You like the attention and maybe you've made up an ideal girl in your head, Grace, based on these messages. If you did decide to date Korean girls, that might work out. There are pretty girls there.
Since my mom is objecting to me marrying my Filipina girlfriend, she is ACTIVELY asking her Korean friends in Korea to find me a single Korean girl, Christian, who attends church, and has a job.
You mentioned a church girl. Do you go to church? If you do, how about finding a Korean American girl in the US at a Korean church? Does your mom say you need a girl fresh from the Korean village? Also, the Korean church girl is probably looking for a Korean man who actively goes to church.

Why does she have to have a job? What if she is in college?
I actually flew to Korea two weeks ago, and was introduced to two girl. One is too young, she's in her low 20's....very large age gap for me. Plus she was super shy and looked like she did not even want to see me. She's also only a freshmen in college in Korea! WTF? I told my mom, "nah....not her"
Now, I feel like I have to look up your age. Did you say what it was? Even if you are a bit older, there are advantages to marrying a younger woman. One is that if she is young and doesn't know much, she might let you lead more. You start out as the wise older husband, and you just need to draw the boundaries and maintain the right balance of power so she doesn't turn into a controlling harpy-- calling her on disrespect if it pops up, etc. I think most women don't respect and enjoy their men much if they can control and dominate them, so it's better for both of you to do this. It sounds like you are going to have to learn a new 'script' different from the one you grew up watching, and it may be easier with a younger, shy girl.

A little shy shouldn't be an issue. But if she won't be in the room with you, well, you can't do much. And shyness could also be an excuse if she isn't that interested.

Even so, a closer age gap may be better for relating with each other.
The other Korean girl I met, she's from the SAME hometown as my kimchee-tiger mom. What a coincidence.
That girl...for looks, I'd say she's a 6 or 7/10. So not really too bad.
Maybe you are maternal cousins. Would that be ideal in Korean culture?

How do you think their families will feel about you being half Japanese? When that comes up, do they just call off the meeting with the prospective in-laws and say, "I hate Japan." That may be a bit extreme, but if you experience some coldness for being half Japanese, you could mention that to your mother. She may rethink the Korean girl thing.
The plus side with Korean citizens, or having a Korean GF, is that if they want to visit the US for tourist visits, they don't have to apply for a US tourist visa. Korean passports, Japanese passports.....their citizens get automatic tourist visa with just the entry stamp.
That does sound easy.
Whatever you do, try to get your mom onboard. I don't agree with the idea of people just going off and getting married without respecting their parents.
MrMan. Thanks for your honest opinion about getting mom onboard. Unfortunately, my crazy mom is not budging, and she is all for the Korean girl who is from her hometown. My mom is totally against my GF Grace, because Grace is Filipina, she's currently unemployed in the Philippines (but not by her choice....it's because of the cr@ppy economic situation there). Nothing will change her mind unless she gets a lobotomy. I'm dead serious.
What does your dad say? You could tell your mom that you do not think Korean parents will accept you because you are half Japanese and see what she says. If you date these Koran girls, make sure you don't string Grace along while you are doing it.
You could look at statistics for average age of loosing virginity (I read 23.9 for Korean women) and marriage for Filippinas and Koreans. If Filippinas tend to keep their virginity, you could point out that Filippinas are more likely to be virgins at marriage as 'ammo' to give your mom a reason to prefer Filippinas.
I actually told my thick-headed mom this statistic. Guess what? She told me that the low average age for Korean women losing their virginity are mainly the Seoul-based Korean girls living their life on facial make-ups, lipsticks and Victoria Secret undies. She then pointed out that girls from the countryside of Korea don't lose their virginity until marriage time.
You might be able to calculate this if you got the virginity stats just for Seoul or for rural versus urban for Korea. It is possible that such statistics exist on the Internet. It could be that your mom has a valid point. If you marry a really young one right out of high school, if the schools were segregated, you might get a virgin.
Oh hahaha MrMan. :D
You would think that way. But I have heard stories where Filipinas meet with their other groups of Filipina friends, and when the husband is out of the house, such as at work, they all go together to a bar, drink alcohol together. Some even have extra-marital sex with other guys at the bar or their outings.
Maybe this is the former bar girl scene. I don't know where the guy got his statistics, but one guy said on a forum that 25% of Filippina married to American marriages failed in the US. But the stats are 50% for marrying American women. So who are the real marriage scammers and gold diggers, he asked.

Some of the Americans who marry Filippinas are divorced old guys who marry young bar girls. If you find a quality girl who isn't just looking for a rich foreigner, who is sincerely looking for a husband, you most likely won't have this problem. Just don't introduce her to the bar girl crowd who run around on their husbands.



"L"...the former nasty co-worker could find out Grace's location by "spying" on my GF's Facebook activities and information, and then start to "tempt" her to separate from me. At least that's all the stupid theories that my mom is concocting in her kimchee barrel head.
I was thinking of going back and living in Hawaii. But nah....too humid and too small for me.
If you think Hawaii is humid, what do you think of South Korea in the summertime? I definitely prefer Hawaiian weather over that. I've never been to Olympia, but my guess is I'd take Hawaii weather over Olympia's, too. For me, since I was raised in the south, I consider Hawaii to be humid from about 2 weeks to maybe a month out of the year. But I was in a good location with some nice breezes. There were a couple of weeks in Hawaii where I could just stand in the living room and start to sweat, but I've never lived anywhere that didn't have days that were much worse in the summer time. I didn't use A/C, just fans. The difference between 'summer' and 'winter' weather were whether we turned the fan on at night or not.

xtravel
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Re: Need your guys' advice/opinions - my mom currently does not want me to marry my Filipino girlfriend who lives abroad

Post by xtravel » April 11th, 2018, 6:21 am

Horahngee wrote:
March 8th, 2018, 8:27 am
persuading my GF to break up with me.

[...]

Now, my mom is still being stubborn, telling me to break up with Grace, and now, she is actively asking her Korean friends for a Korean girl to be paired up with me.

My mom is also worried that "L" is going to make more trouble between me and Grace, if I do get married to Grace, and Grace moves to the US.

[...]

Do you think I should go against my mom's wishes and still marry Grace?
I think your mother has a point.

While I think she is over the top about being against Filipinas now, it's understandable because your 3 relationships with that ethnicity have turned toxic for no reason.

Dump Grace for sure. She dumped you based on what a stranger said with no proof. She will never have your back.

Tell your mom you will find another Filipina. Tell her if she finds you a Korean girl first, you'll try that out.

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