Discuss dating, relationships and foreign women.
3 posts • Page 1 of 1
There are men who think American women are all bad and the answer to having a good woman is to go overseas. But, even though I found my wife in the US, I believe there are still good potential wives in the US for a lot of men.
I haven't watched the Duggars much. I've seen clips of several episodes on YouTube. I haven't had cable for most of my life, so I don't watch much stuff like this. When I did have Dish, before their show, I think, TLC seemed like such a chick channel, following pregnant women through childbirth, and shows like that I didn't care much to watch.
I saw a few series of episodes of the Duggars. It's kind of slow TV where there isn't much conflict. But I can see how it could meet a need for someone wanting to see something peaceful and good on TV, which is full of conflict. This family that now has 19 children live together peacefully, with the kids helping each other. The older kids help care for the younger ones. Jim Bob is the head of the house. His wife is respectful and submissive to him. She doesn't raise her voice at her children and she is kind to them. The kids talk nicely to each other.
The older children can have 'courtship' but not dating. The family is a very devout Christian family and the difference they describe between courtship and dating is that courtship involves praying and trying to figure out if the other person is to be your spouse. They call it 'dating with a purpose.' They also have chaperones all the way up through engagement. The parents negotiation rules of physical contact between dating couples. This involves no kissing, only side hugs, no hand holding until engagement, and kissing on the wedding day.
One of their adult children found his wife through some sort of home school convention. The Duggars homeschool. The Dad also had a humanitarian worker prayer partner in Nepal that he thought might match up well with one of his older girls. That's one of the series of episodes I watched. Jim Bob flew out with his daughter to actually meet the guy in person. At the end of the trip, he asked the dad first, then her, and they were 'officially courting.' Later, the guy asked Jim Bob's permission, then proposed to the daughter. They are going to get married, or they have but hadn't aired it when I watched.
The Duggars go to some kind of Baptist church, I think. They are also part of a Christian movement that emphasizes homeschool and having as many kids as the good Lord gives you. (No birth control.)
It would not be a good match for someone who isn't a Christian and conservative in their outlook, but for those who are, I can see the advantages of marrying a woman in this subculture. The Duggar girls grow up without TV. They don't have the influence of feminism coming in that way. They are actively taught against some of the values in society. They see a model of the husband as head of the home, submitting to her husband, and are likely taught that they will have to submit to their own husbands. Their virginity is carefully guarded and they are taught to internalize values that relate to sexual virtue. Growing up in a big family, they would have to learn to share and not be selfish. The girls probably know a lot about taking care of little children, changing diapers. They have also been trained in home making skills like how to bake bread from scratch, probably cooking, etc.
Some of the Christian patriarchy girls are raised with the belief that they give their earnings to the head of the household for him to make decisions on how to spend or invest it.
It sounds like an ideal training ground for a wife, maybe even better than the average home in a lot of Asian countries. I don't know if all the families in this movement are as peaceful and functional as the Duggar home.
If a man did not share core beliefs, I don't think it would be a good match. But for a Conservative Christian man, it could be. A problem would arise if the girl wanted to have 20 kids or so, and the man didn't. On the one hand, she'd have to submit to her husband, but it's possible she might think she's committing some great sin by using birth control.
I'd also imagine families that have 10 to 20 kids much have parents that are rather 'active' in their love life, and they could possibly have picked up the idea that physical intimacy is a really good thing between married couples.
Having a baby is woman's reward for sex. Plus the trauma and drama of pregnancy, childbirth and raising children gives a woman purpose. So to deny her kids through birth control is going to create a resentment. You get off, she gets nothing.
So when you say that she wont be happy if you make her use birth control, you're right about that.
You're also right that it's a great culture. If I had a young bride in the US, I would arrange to live among these people.
Incidentally the movement is called "quiver-full", from Psalm 127. The idea is that having lot of sons is like having a quiver full of arrows. Prepared, powerful.
FWIW courtship and chaperones are still alive in Catholic Mexico. Girls do show up with a chaperon. So they still have the basics. But there is none of the deep learning and preparation of the heart that the Evangelicals provide.
There are evangelicals down here but I havent spent time with them yet.
"Pick a point and go to it."
-- Dr John Hunsucker, speaking about canoeing on Georgia's Lake Lanier, with its irregular shape, and 1000 miles of meandering shoreline
"Having a baby is woman's reward for sex.", "You get off, she gets nothing." LOL That is true for sheep, dogs and cattle.
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