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Discuss dating, relationships and foreign women.
In the early stages of divorce I decide to fulfill what I suspected inside would be good for my soul - find an Asian lady as my artnr for life.
My search began in 2012 with a trip to Thailand after 4 moths of online connecting using Thailovelinks.com. The trip was a game changer for me, I returned enlightened, fulfilled, amazed. The girls I met were all normal hard working ladies with decent education, no P4P. I did 4 more trips through Asia using online dating site in an attempt to meet women who could be marriage material. I could write volumes about my adventures.
My point here is to share my learnings in hopes that it will guide and caution others as they embark on seeking a wife from an Asian country. I'm going to focus on the Phillippines because that is the area of great interest for many. I took 5 trips to Asia from 2012-2013 spending 10 weeks total in China, Thailand, Singapore, Malaysia, and Indonesia, making multiple visit per country. I cancelle2 trips to Phils because I could not find a lady I thought measured up to an increasingly high standard that I set for myself.
There are 2 billion people in Asia, why should a man rush it and settle so quickly for the first lady he meets who might be very a desparate filipina? I really wanted to find a filipina but after applying the following screening criteria there was little left to consider:
First Tier Screening
1. Education - bachelor degree or vocational college with good written English ability
2. Attractive or very attractive
3. No kids
4. A good communicator, but does not talk too much (some girls are non-stop!)
5. Good job, preferably professional or white collar worker
6. Under age 34
Second Tier Screening
7. Does not live in extreme poverty - this could bring unforeseen issues later
8. Thin body profile and unlikely to get fat or round by age 40 (like 95% of filipinas)
9. Health and fitness oriented
10. Few prior boyfriends - appears conservative
11. Good family and supportive family - likely to embrace me not my wallet
12. Willing to relocate
Third Screening Tier
13. Shows genuine interest in me
14. Shows intelligence and good critical thinking skills. A curious mind, conversation goes beyond the weather.
15. Open minded about having kids
16. Dresses stylish and like a sharp lady
17. Has good friends and a normal social network - not a loner
18. Has a good reason to marry a foreigner
I chatted and web video chatted with hundreds of filipinas. Most the girls on the surface that would meet these criteria were scammers or asking for money. What was left was a very mediocre group of average looking women with nothing special that caught my attention. i had plans to meet and date several but cancelled my trips after waking up a bit about sticking to certain standards. They had a heart of gold and seemed like real lovers, but lacked depth.
When applying these criteria to Thai women, I still had a lot of winners in the crowd and there were many I was intending to visit. As for the Chinese, the inventory is small and when I met these ladies they were not so attractive and I found their behavior to be a little weird - all of them.
I found an awesome girl from Indonesia, but even she did not show very good judgement so I dropped her.
While taking a break between trips I decided to join match.com in the USA where I met a Korean lady born and raided in Seoul. She was funny, smart, stylish, stunningly beautiful, had a masters degree and a bright smile with great energy. Two years later she has now became my wife :0
I do miss the game a bit, I was onto some amazing ladies in Thailand but realized I would probably need to live there to ensure stability of the relationship. I decided to write this as many American men arrive in Phils and are amazed by the ladies and get caught up in the moment without stepping back and thinking it through. My advise is force yourself to take your time and search all the possibilities before committing. I know there are some awesome ladies in Phils, it was just too difficult to prove them out without spending significant time there. Maybe I missed something, but it worked out great for me. All the courting experience I got from Asia help me land the best in the end.
Don't overlook Thailand or Japan for a serious lady that is the total package. As my Korean wife says to me all the time, "White guys do not know how to pick the best Asian women".
I think your standards are reasonable. Picky enough, but not too picky. And not unrealistic. I think there are probably many filipinas who meet those standards, but I guess you have to look in the right places where you're most likely to find them. If you keep looking in the wrong places for what you want, and then you don't find it, it's easy to conclude that they're rare, when all the while they could be elsewhere.
If I ever go there, I want to make sure that I make plenty of male friends, ask questions, meet their female friends and observe them, rather then getting caught up too much with the women themselves. Also if you're only there for a couple of weeks, it's absolutely pointless looking for anyone in particular, it's best to just observe, check out the scene, learn as much as you can, and decide on what you want and what's realistic and what compromises you're willing to make. Then when you're there for longer you can start being more serious in your search. I also think it's a good idea to live a normal every day life that includes things other than women. Try to have another thing to get involved in. And learn the language.
The one thing about filipinas that I notice over and over again is that many of them aren't very intellectual. I don't expect them to be Einstein, but they should at least have enough intelligence to have interesting chats with. When they say "I'm simple", they're really not kidding.
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Great list and advice Lorenzo. This is similar to what I've preached for years. Your wife is correct, most white guys do not know how to pick the best Asian women. But there are techniques that can help. I think 3/4 of the battle is putting yourself in a position appear appealing to best Asian women. Sometimes this is easier said than done.
Pete you are right on.
One of the issues is that 90% of the women you meet in Asia are willing to go forward into a relationship, and once you take that step they don't let go easily. It is simple for a guy to make a visit and fall for these charming women and before he knows it he is locked up right away passing on so many other options. The things we love about our Asian women is also the part that makes dating many of them so difficult. I learned through trial and error to make good choices BEFORE you meet them.
Can you list some examples so that other's maybe informed, Lorenzo?
This is a practical thread with clear instructions. What a rarity on HA.
I agree in principle that a person should have standards. You can always start at the top and work your way down. If you start at the bottom, you're potentially cheating yourself. The questions is how can you effectively judge a person before meeting them? Some things are more obvious, like tattoos. But how do you determine if a woman is a virgin? Most women will terminate a conversation if you ask that, even if they are virgins. Sometimes you need to find indirect clues to judge a person. For example I would trust a girl who lives at home with her parents over a girl who lives by herself. If she went away to college by herself to another city then she's probably already had partners.
I think Thailand would be the last place to look for a wife in Asia.
My advice is to learn all you can about personality research and then look for an ISFJ wife. They're not the most exciting ladies out there, but they are dependable.
Well failing that come to Berlin and start dating the many Vietnamese ladies here!
Under 34 and a few bfs?
Hope its typo and you meant under 24
Under 34 and a few bfs?
Hope its typo and you meant under 24
Ok here is one example from Phils. Let's call her MJ. She was the sweetest girl you could meet, easy going and always excited to webcam with me every day. MJ was 28 living near Manila. She was an attractive, cute girl and much younger looking. I was 50. After nearly 2 months of daily communicating I planned a trip to meet her. The plan was 3 days in Makati then a trip to Boracay. MJ lived with her parents and she asked them about they trip to Boracay. They had saw me on Skype a few times and trusted my intentions so they approved. The first thing that troubled me about MJ was that I came to learn she had slept on a wood bench her whole life with just a blanket to cover her. No bed. The house was cement block and no window coverings, cement floor no rug or carpet. One day her Internet was acting up 2 weeks before my visit. MJ went to a Internet cafe so we could see each other. As she turned her head I noticed missing teeth, much to my horror. This never was noticed in other video chat or photos. I recognized at that moment MJ was not a fit. No 28 yr old girl in America has missing teeth! She was studying to be a patient caregiver. On the surface MJ seemed like a good catch but as I dug deeper the effects and influences of severe poverty and lower living standards were obvious. I broke MJs heart by telling by her I did not feel we were right and that I was not coming. These kind of situations were typical with girls from Phils and I always ended up terminating communications. On the surface a heart of gold but the standards of accepted living so low. This was never an issue with Thai girls from BKK.
Yes a 34 Chinese lady is equal to a 26 yr old Filipina. It all related to quality of personal care, age is just a number. Not too many top women in these countries will accept more than a 20 yr age difference.
The criteria you listed for a wife are fine if that's one's personal preferences. My wife ticks most of the boxes, though some of her relatives might not all fit that criteria. Something to keep in mind is if you go in with strict criteria, that you might meet a girl who doesn't tick a box or two but she's great in others ways and so she's a keeper.
Personally, the college degree wasn't a criteria for me. I think a woman can be smart enough to be a good mother and wife and not have a degree. My wife does have a bachelors, but Indonesia, they don't get a liberal arts education in college, just four years of material related somewhat to their major. So my wife doesn't seem to have the same breadth of knowledge of science that I do. She went to an accounting high school, so she didn't get it there. That's fine. It doesn't cause a lot of problems in the marriage.
I think a man needs to have a wife that he gets along with well. She doesn't have to be the person he goes to for intellectual stimulation in regard to his academic or career specialty. Other men can serve that purpose. Some men make the mistake of thinking that their wife has to fulfill all their emotional and social needs. If I'm going to be the breadwinner, my wife doesn't have to have a bachelors or masters. I needed an attractive wife whose company I enjoy, who respects me, who will sleep with me and cook my dinner. Why does she have to have a degree for that? A good education is a good thing for a mother to have, especially if she is going to home school. But I don't see why a bachelors has to be a deal breaker. But if that's what you want, that' what you want.
Btw, my wife does provide plenty of intellectual stimulation. But it's not the same kind you get from having an intellectual discussion or debate with a man. She has a lot of insight into people.
I'd have added virginity to a list of qualifications, and because of that, a really young woman who hasn't established herself in a good job whose been living with her family might fit the mold better than a 34 year old career woman. Also, a woman should have the attitude that she follows her husband and puts her career aside if necessary for him and for the children. That's another potential problem with career women.
At some point, if you love a woman, you start to care if you fit what she needs because you want what's best for her. My wife has some dental problems. She didn't have any missing teeth when I was dating her, though she had one pulled recently. She never had her wisdom teeth removed, and I think that is fairly common in the developing world.
Something to keep in mind is that if you are divorced, you may already be out of the running with some women who also go into dating with high standards. Especially with some of the Indonesian Christian girls, if you ask them if they want to marry a divorced man, they'll tell you flat out that they won't marry a man who has been divorced.
Certain men insist on finding women with an IQ between 115 and 130. That doesnt sound sexy at all to me. I dont think college education means much anyway, except that there are some useless non-facts floating around in her head which someone had to pay for her to be brainwashed with.
Does she do what you ask? Is she pretty? Do you trust her not to cheat? Is she cooperative (as opposed to argumentative)? Can she have children? These are the major things you need to concern yourself with.
I don't think a bachelors degree is necessary if the girl has done something to further her education or job training after high school. My Indonesian GF only had vocational school after high school. She also did not have the best judgement. I did not feel I could trust her to manage my estate.
In most of the developed world higher education is a standard path including places like China and Thailand. Consider that the quality of education in Phils is well below the modern world, so a girl with high school only education is like a high school dropout in the USA. If you love her then it really does not matter in the beginning. Educated ladies will be more adaptable to relocating to another country.
If you are looking for a woman to invest your money, you could insist she have a degree in accounting or finance. Most of us don't have that issue, and can't a man manage the money himself? You can also find a wife that doesn't tell you what to do with the money and spends the money you put in the joint bank account.
A more educated girl may adjust better. My wife has a degree in theology, but grew up managing kiosks and things like that, so she has some business skills.