If you read back, you will see that I am married with a Japanese woman since more than 3 decades, we also have 2 daughters - all what I can say is that no ordinary Japanese woman is like that and the only way I see is simply said to end such an abusive relationship. There are quarrels in every family, this is normal, but to run around with a knife, moving away since 2 months, taking all common money with her and beating up the husband is clearly a good reason for a divorce. Too much is too much.MrMan wrote:Hi,
First off, I'd like to say be careful with the advice you get from this forum. Some posters on the forum are playboys or playboy wannabes who want to go around the world and sleep with lots of women. A few men are married. I don't know if anyone else is married to a Japanese woman.
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Discuss dating, relationships and foreign women.
I'd just responded to the OP. What I said still applies to most posters. It's hard to see who said what with the format I see on my screen, no avatars, names in a weird place on the button, etc.
This does sound like some pretty bad behavior. I don't know what the husband actually did in this scenario, though. He mentioned abuse on both sides. There are plenty people who went through some very bad spots in their marriage who recovered. If he does reconcile, he may need to take some precautions with his money and she's going to need some pretty serious help.
Cultural differences are not the problem here Tapatio. To put it bluntly, the problem is the narcissistical, manipulative, lying, abusive whore who you were unfortunate enough to marry.
I've been a similar situation albeit in my younger days and I plead with you to get the f**k away from her and stay away because she won't change. She's a worthless individual and she knows it and by degrading you and blaming you for everything it makes her pathetic existence more palatable. Basically, she wants to bring you down to her level and then some by sapping the energy from you. She wants to defeat you. Don't let her Tapatio. Wake up. Be Strong. Run fast. Run far. Before it's too late!
Why do western men die before their western wives? Because they want to!
This. There is no way to un-whore a whore. The damage is done. A woman does not get a second chance with this. The hardest part will be overcoming feelings and emotions in order to make the right choice. But she's already run away from him, so she's already done half the work for him.
OK, guys. I have updates about this matter. I saw my wife on Sunday, and had a nice time with her. She confirmed me she will return to our home on May as she wants for us to get used to us again living together step by step and, as she sees effort of improving, she wants to spend more time with me. I also noticed that she does not get angry at all as long as I stayed calm and not moody. I admit before taking medications, I was very moody and irritable even for the slightest of things. I also share part of my responsibility of this matter. We did kiss passionately and she told me she loves me and that her intention was not to divorce me, but wanted for us to appreciate each other more and deeper. That is why she left home.
Thus, it is improving.
I want to thank you for your advices, but I think I will follow Mr. Man´s advice as his way of thinking sounds similar to mine in relationships. I do not give up as I never been a quitter.
Cheers and again, thank you for all your advices.
Last edited by Tapatio89 on March 8th, 2016, 4:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Yes, the man in the avatar is me. And thanks for the compliment. I know I do not look typical Mexican (the ones that go in the US) in facial features, eye shape, nose and skin colour, with the exceptions from the Mexicans from Guadalajara, Jalisco. I am from Guadalajara actually.
Have you visited Guadalajara or Mexico for that matter? Ever met Hispanic man/Asian woman couples?
And once again, someone asks a crowd for advice just to have some sound boxes while pondering, but still stick to the initial plan, without willing to try anything else out.
1)Too much of one thing defeats the purpose.
2)Everybody is full of it. What's your hypocrisy?
I can only say, what I read here does not make any sense to me.
For sure medication will NOT solve your problem.
Today is April 9th.... and she left you 2 months ago, stays in a hotel and I wonder who pays the bill for 3 months...
I wish you good luck, but it seems if people do not have problems anymore or can get rid of existing problems easily, they create new problems, torturing themselves...
I would not say there is no way, it's not about un-whore a whore, but about a whore un-whore herself. - Often in Japan such women out of hostess services when around 30 or so are changing their life-style and 'disappear', moving away - however their behavior is totally different from what I read here.
Some were able to save up a considerable sum of money, buy a condominium for themselves where nobody knows about their past. - Some of these former hostesses find a man, often a former customer - no need to keep the past as a hostess as a secret when meeting such a possible spouse, more the opposite.
Others remain in the entertainment business/restaurant business, TV shows, singers etc, some open a boutique etc. Japanese women can be very productive - but I never heard about a case where such a woman takes a knife, takes all money from her husband and moves away for months living in a hotel next to him, while the husband is still running after her, despite she informed her husband after marriage about her past.
This all does not make sense to me - there are millions of other men and other women around who might fit much better together than Tapatio89 and this woman.
The best solution I see is a new start with new people... entirely new people, who are clearly without any relationship to this woman and other people next to her.
What the OP is doing, up to him -it's just my opinion and my advice.
Today is March 8th, not April 9th. She pays the bills by herself from her job as a lawyer assistant as the hotel is cheap in comparison to her salary. She was working full time before moving out as a friend of mind recommended her for the job. Definitely she is not escorting as she can get deported from Mexico if caught. Mexico has very strict laws for foreign women to prostitute themselves as often are seen with suspicion, not to mention that even though she was a former escort, in that regard she is not the cheating type as I admit I stalked her a few times outside of her hotel, and no other man she is seeing, nothing like that. In fact, she invited me to the hotel she is staying last Sunday, and it looked calm, and all the people there were Japanese, not Mexican. She even introduced me I am her husband to the owners of hotel who are Japanese.
Perhaps it is good their advices and I will put it in the back of my mind just in case something happens, but I am convinced of my plan too as almost all the time my plans never fail. I know how to convince my wife in a subtle manner.
She has an unorthodox way of fixing issues, yes, I will admit as in my culture, this is a very bizarre way of doing it. But, I trust her and I know she is formal on her words.
I do not think she is a stupid woman as she knows I have been the ONLY man I have loved her truthfully and her first real relationship with a man. You think she would be dumb enough to leave me? Of course not. She might be cold, but not stupid. I trust my wife and all marriages pass thru hard times, some worse than others. But the strongest marriages endure the most difficult times, and I am willing to put this effort with her. I am not a coward. I am a real man, mate.
Latins/Mediterraneans we are not like Nordics who are colder and think always divorce is the solution and think everything with their head as if feelings are something to be robotic. Not part of our culture or mentality. I think we tend to be more realistic than most people in Nordic cultures about marriage that we know this sometimes will happen and always be patient. If you look at Latin American and Southern Euro countries, we have the lowest divorce rates in the Western World, whilst the Anglo-Saxon countries have the highest ones. This tells us the mentality of each culture on marriage views.
In a nutshell. It's a pointless thread really because he only wants someone to agree with him that the blame lies with the Japanese culture and not with his wife. You can and try and advise people but sometimes you need to back off and let them make their own mistakes which hopefully they can learn from in the future.
Why do western men die before their western wives? Because they want to!
I know a lot of the people on the forum want you to just leave your wife. But you've stated you want to stay together. I don't know why they can't give advice within those parameters.
I am a strong believer in staying together and being faithful in marriage.
My wife was a virgin when we got married, and normally she's really sweet. But when she gets angry, she can make irrational decisions and push things too far. She's never gone away with a knife, but she did just walk off and disappear for a day. She hung out with a female friend. She actually did that at night, and the first friend was calmer and wiser and told her to call me. The second friend was having trouble in her marriage, but my wife wised up and came home. One time she was stressed due to pregnancy hormones. The second time we were moving and working long hours and she hadn't slept much. In a decade and a half, that's happened twice. Both times she ended up hanging out with older married women while she destressed. Both times, her reactions weren't reasonable considering the situation but she had reasons to be under high stress.
For me, it's important if my wife has done something wrong is that I want her to admit it and apologize for it. But I know better than to push her to do it right away. If we have an argument, i can cool down in 30 seconds and make up. My wife is better about cooling down fast than when she was young, but if it's a big argument, she can still take a while.
My concern in reading your posts is that it sounds like your wife is a bit of a hothead and you said, physically abusive, but blames everything on you. She needs to accept some blame and try to improve her behavior.
A good marriage counselor may help you with that. If I were in your shoes, I'd be sure to get a conservative counselor who believed wives should submit to their husbands and accepted the man being in charge. The one time my wife and I went for a type of counseling with a pastor for one session, we went to a pastor who believed like that. I wouldn't want to go to some counselor I knew nothing about and definitely not to a feminist. I'd want to go to a man if I were you. Sometimes women irrationally take the side of the other woman without being objective, especially if the counselor is a feminist. You don't want a counselor who believes divorce is okay if both parties are more emotionally 'healthy' either. You want someone who tries to save marriages. Maybe in Mexico there are conservative Catholic priests who do marriage counseling who believe like that. It's important to know about your counselor before giving that person any influence over your marriage. You don't want to go to some idiot who tells your wife to stay in the hotel and not sleep with you.
You can probably only push your wife so much. You've got to be careful because you don't want to push her away. But if I were you, I'd be pushing for living together now, and you need to get back to having sex. It can be hard for some women to be angry at a man they sleep with. The same is true for a lot of men. It bonds you together emotionally and releases bonding hormones. If she won't move in with you, put sex dates on the agenda. Get her back to your place and sleep with her when you go on dates, or do it in the hotel if that works out better.
Sorry but I do not know any meaningful advice why to continue such a relationship. There is no reason to be better off with this woman compared with looking for a new wife after divorce.
There are good arguments why to work out a clear cut and good-bye for always. However there is not even one good argument why to continue a violent relationship where the husband is beaten up frequently since 2 years.
He says, his wife has now such a good income, that she can pay for living in a hotel since months after she left with a knife in her hand, but he also said, she took all their common money with her and left causing significant financial problems for him.
Will she pay the money back she has taken from him? Just one question....
So what? There are millions of other women in this world... This relationship is broken beyond repair, no reason to try it again.