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Why do modern people say you're better off single?

Discuss dating, relationships and foreign women.

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mattyman
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Why do modern people say you're better off single?

Post by mattyman » March 20th, 2018, 3:05 am

If you complain about loneliness when you’re single, you’ll probably be told to enjoy your time being single. Some people will say all relationships are bad, some will say being single is all bad. It might be better to know the pros and cons of each and look at what can be done to minimize the cons.

Pros of being single
  • There can be a lot of freedom
  • You may get to go out a lot (well, if you have a good social life that is)
  • There maybe more time to try out new hobbies
Cons & challenges of being single
  • It can be lonely*
  • You may miss out on the intimacy
  • There can be the ever present worry of never finding love, it can be harder to sleep
Pros of being in a relationship
  • You’ll always have company to hang out with
  • Your partner will be there for you (a healthy one)
  • You’ll have someone to share your thoughts, dreams and feelings with
  • You have someone to share your life with
  • You’ll have sexual intimacy
  • You’ll feel wanted and needed
  • You’ll feel more relaxed; no more worry about being consigned to the scrap heap
Cons & challenges of being in a relationship
  • You might not get as much freedom, you may have to consult with your partner (this depends)
  • You might not get as much time to yourself (this depends on how demanding your partner is and whether they have a similar need for time alone as you do)
  • You may become complacent about grooming due to lack of incentive (you may put your feet up and think all the hard work is done)
  • Family and friends of partner; if you don’t get on (this depends)
  • There might be less privacy; you might have your social media and texts checked (this will depend on both on how secure they are & how much you trust each other)
*this is not an exhaustive list

The ideal; best of both worlds?
The formula for a happy relationship seems quite simple, you'd want a relationship where the cons are minimized, where the pros are maximized. You'd want all the intimacy and lack of loneliness without being tied down, being given your own space when you need it. I've noticed all the possible disadvantages of being in a relationship are conditional & depend on the characteristics of the partner you're with. What can we do ourselves to minimize the cons to the other person?

So you shouldn't expect people to 'complete' you
But you can reasonably expect the benefits that I've highlighted from the right partner, to feel needed, to have intimacy, to have someone there, to have someone to always hang out with. What might not be reasonable is to expect a romantic partner to take on every single role. It's healthy to have a life outside the relationship, to have confidants outside the relationship. That's how the potential cons are minimized. The reason I detest this sort of advice (assumption) is because people give it without establishing whether that's the case. They JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS. This is no justification narrative.

So, you've got to love yourself first?
Again, this shouldn't suggest that you shouldn't expect being with another not to make you happy. People who give this particular soundbyte have one thing in common, they never elaborate (well, apart from telling people who're lonely 'look at you, who'd want someone like you, don't even try, no=one would want you, if you get into a relationship you'll fail, yeah yeah, very supportive). It might be more helpful for the advisor to have knowledge of potential patterns you can fall into that 'not loving yourself' may lead to. My advice for lay-people is to not give advice at all unless you know what you're talking about.

The reason why people are cynical is simple; they think;

My own bad experience=everyone else's (classic 'I'm the centre of the universe' thinking; what's true of one's experience must be true of eveyone else)

Modern people are so quick to get into advice mode. People are too quick to make assumptions rather than adopt the non-judgemental listening stance (after-all, taking time to listen to people, figuring out what's important in relationships, evaluating pros and cons, its too hippie-like & uncool for the 21st century young adult).

mand38
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Re: Why do modern people say you're better off single?

Post by mand38 » May 6th, 2018, 4:33 pm

My vote, still goes to "being single" Just my 2 cents :)

CannedHam
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Re: Why do modern people say you're better off single?

Post by CannedHam » May 7th, 2018, 12:02 am

Everything has some degree of risk, be it marrying a US woman, marrying a foreign woman, or staying single. I know of at least two miserable married guys at work who I'm sure would love to feel lonely. I also know a single guy in his 50s who lived the high life when younger but is now miserable and bitter about never having had kids, and the fact that society finds him to be a weirdo/suspected pervert. There's obviously also happily married people and happily single people. It's a real toss up.

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publicduende
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Re: Why do modern people say you're better off single?

Post by publicduende » May 7th, 2018, 3:49 am

Yes, it's better to be single than being with the wrong woman. But looking for the right woman is always worth a shot.

MrMan
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Re: Why do modern people say you're better off single?

Post by MrMan » May 7th, 2018, 8:56 am

mattyman wrote:
March 20th, 2018, 3:05 am
Pros of being in a relationship
  • You’ll always have company to hang out with
  • Your partner will be there for you (a healthy one)
  • You’ll have someone to share your thoughts, dreams and feelings with
  • You have someone to share your life with
  • You’ll have sexual intimacy
I am just thinking of how sexual morality has deteriorated to the point where this seems normal to many people. Just being 'in a relationship' means you are having sex to a lot of people. Several decades ago, if you got married, you were expected to have sex. Now, just having a girlfriend or boyfriend supposedly means people are having sex.

A lot of the problems with women and the difficulties with relationships come from sexual immorality. I believe a woman values her man a lot more if she hasn't slept with other men. if she values her sexuality enough to save sex for marriage, she likely values marriage quite highly, and that will affect how she acts in the marriage and how she treats her husband.

As a married man, for me personally, being in a relationship with my wife is more enjoyable than being single. If a woman really loves you, marriage can be very enjoyable. if you care about her, then what she wants or needs does influence your decisions. Having kids restricts freedom more than getting married in my experience. When you don't have any babies, (if you have money), you can still go out to dinner and go all over hte place and do things. Once you have the baby, you have to change a lot of your plans, and going out is a much bigger deal. But having children is rewarding, too.

mattyman
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Re: Why do modern people say you're better off single?

Post by mattyman » May 25th, 2018, 3:59 am

^No doubt being in a relationship, the RIGHT relationship is better than being single. @ publicduende; yes you're right, it's better to be with the right woman than to be single. The wrong woman could be a lot worse; observations from friend's unhappy relationships prove so. You've at least got to have some elements of friendship combined with the spark & lust of romantic attraction & have the space for that to be maintained.

Regarding sexual morality & the note of previous partners.
Women who haven't slept with too many other men will feel more appreciated. There is that sense that you might be compared to previous partners if you meet a woman who's been with a lot of people. The thought that previous parters might come up and that you might be compared is a big turnoff for a lot of guys. Still, I see some people finding that attractive on the grounds of knowing a lot of sexual positions.

It depend what people want at the end of the day. There's no right or wrong. Promiscuous people attract other promiscuous people, prudish people attract other prudish people. Nothing is 'cooler' that the other, they're both equally cool. That's my stance.

Has anyone been paying attention to the 4th list? Has anyone given any thought about things to look out for to minimize these potential cons?

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Adama
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Re: Why do modern people say you're better off single?

Post by Adama » May 25th, 2018, 5:23 am

Being single is better than being destroyed by emotional terrorism and a terrible relationship.

As far as women's previous sexual partners, what people don't know is, once a woman is a whore, then she has become evil. Then she will make a poor partner for good men.

That's why it may seem like being single is a bad thing, but it is likely that, a whore could destroy a man's life, without him ever having suspected it beforehand, because she's evil.
A good man is above pettiness. He is better than that.

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jamesbond
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Re: Why do modern people say you're better off single?

Post by jamesbond » June 4th, 2018, 5:19 am

Adama wrote:
May 25th, 2018, 5:23 am
Being single is better than being destroyed by emotional terrorism and a terrible relationship.

I agree, I would rather be single and lonely rather than be married and miserable.
"When I think about the idea of getting involved with an American woman, I don't know if I should laugh .............. or vomit!"

"Trying to meet women in America is like trying to decipher Egyptian hieroglyphics."

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Yohan
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Re: Why do modern people say you're better off single?

Post by Yohan » June 4th, 2018, 10:23 am

If you live In certain Western pro-feminist countries it is better as a man to be single. There is a huge risk if you socialize with 'the girl next door'.
I think most members of this forum will agree ...

The Western pro-feminist world is crazy, women have more rights than men, children have more rights than their parents, illegal immigrants have more rights than citizens living in their own country since birth, religious minorities have more rights than the majority which belongs to a different faith, criminals have more human rights than their victims, jobless people unwilling to work anything productive are able to collect more benefits than ordinary employees are receiving as salary.... etc. etc.

However if you are married outside of this toxic zone, daily life as a married man is not that bad at all. In case something is really going wrong, you can change your life easily back being a single or choose somebody else to live with you.

I do not want to say that 'foreign women are better', but for sure their criteria how they choose their men are different and the legal system in many of those countries is not so openly biased against men.

You have to decide what you want to do, what you like to try out.... your choice.

Luberg
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Re: Why do modern people say you're better off single?

Post by Luberg » July 3rd, 2018, 11:16 pm

I agree with CannedHam on this. You can't really tell which one is better and which is not. There're some singles who're happy and others who're not; also there're some married people who're happy and those that are not. About the pros and cons listed above, I think our relationships are much more complicated than right and wrong, and one advise for the same couple might work at one time, and not work at another time. Sometimes we do things we know are not quite appropriate simply because we feel a certain way. Relationships are basically feelings, and trying to explain everything logically might not be the best way to explain them. I believe feelings are very complicated and a number of factors might come into play before one action is directed towards a partner. For this reason I don't think we can really define what is right or wrong when it comes to our relationships; it's all pretty much left in the hands of how the two people feel about each other and how much they want the relationship.

Yes, modern people want to figure out everything, make things work, and fast. We want to have some sort of formula that will ensure that our relationships will succeed. But in reality every person is different and complicated in their own way, so it's difficult to have one formula for everyone. Because it's difficult, we might conclude by saying we're better off being single.

In a nut shell I think that when it comes to relationships we should relax and enjoy the moment. When it gets to the point that we feel we have to let go and be single, let's not feel that we have failed, but rather we had the chance to experience love with someone we saw special.

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