Why a male feminist like me can't find an American girlfrien
Posted: March 20th, 2008, 12:51 am
Time to present my tale of constant rejection among American females...coming from a male feminist whom most would consider to be "decent-looking," and decently-dressed. (You can see my MySpace page photos at http://myspace.com/discopro )
To begin this story, I'll first share with you the text of my online personal ad narrative:
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Settling into my latest job as a customer service rep for an insurance company. I'm very content with having my own living space in the city, and love eating organic foods and enjoying natural health. Have thought deeply about what my wants and needs are in a relationship, and about my unique things to offer. I like dance-pop music, cruising, dancing, computers, reading interesting articles, walking for an hour at Lake Hefner, and thinking. Am honest, down-to-earth, sensitive, sweet, creative. Am an individualist and feminist, and just enjoy being myself.
Searching for that independent, self-assured sweetheart -- a woman who isn't afraid to live her life for *her*. Must be confident, intelligent, candid, and attractive. Should share my individualistic relationship values and my passion for dance-pop music!
-----------------
Next, I'll show a short "brainstorming" tidbit I wrote awhile back. When occasionally meeting a local woman online, and after we've exchanged a few "icebreaker" e-mails, I often share this piece with her:
-----------------
Here's a fun topic to ponder: What's so great about having a relationship with you? In what unique ways can someone enjoy a relationship with *you*, which they might not be able to enjoy with most other people? What makes you so special (i.e., different in a positive way) for a person to be in love with?
As for me...
She would be able to live for *her* and not get chastised for it (as long as she doesn't lie to me or cheat, or keep secrets from me). She would enjoy positive encouragement to think for herself -- to question anything and everything in her own unique way -- wherever it leads. She would *never* be expected to "change" her nature or her needs.
She wouldn't have to worry about going through pregnancy, childbirth, or raising little rascals, nor would she need any kind of birth control. (I've already had a vasectomy and don't have any kids.)
She'd never be expected to cook for me, or to perform all of the housework by herself. We'd either dine out or fix ourselves simple meals (or cook a meal together), and we'd *both* clean our house or apartment occasionally. Also, I have a tendency *not* to slop around or make messes, and almost always clean up after myself.
She wouldn't have to worry about her weight (as long as she doesn't become very obese, such as >300 lbs), since I adore the pleasantly-plump figure and I care significantly more about a cute face than a "perfect" body. She could relax and eat as much as she wants, and I'd be lying with her on the couch feeding & kissing her!
And while she's lying on that couch, she'd never have to go through the trouble of painting her fingernails or toenails, because I would always do it for her as often as she wants -- kissing each finger and toe as I go!
She practically never would be bombarded with body odor from me, because my organic lifestyle produces very little B.O. or bad breath. She could hang out and cuddle with me in peace without aromatic annoyance.
She would experience the greatest dance-pop, hard & soft rock, and country-pop music of the '70s, '80s, '90s, & '00s with my collection of over 400 albums containing more than 5,000 songs, along with great sound systems in my living room and car. Even when we're making love!
Finally, she'd always have a warm set of arms to fall into when she's feeling anxious, frustrated, or hurt. She could discuss difficult issues with me in the safest setting possible: sitting down together holding hands and partially embracing each other, while never being criticized or judged during the dialogue.
There you are....
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(I'd also like to mention that I work at a large call center where 60 percent of the employees are women, and when appropriate, I'll casually mention to my co-workers that I'm single and looking. I also enjoy frequenting local dance clubs every few weeks that play disco and '80s/'90s pop -- where two-thirds of the patrons are usually women -- and spend most of my time on the dancefloor without drinking alcohol.)
So anyway at this point, you might be thinking that a guy like me "probably has it made" among American women, right?
Well, it has now been 176 months since my last girlfriend. How could this happen?
First I'll briefly describe the three obvious reasons that come to mind. Then, we'll contemplate the less apparent (but just as significant) ones.
1. I'm not a Christian. About 85% of Americans are Christian, and want a lover who shares in their religious passions.
2. I don't want children. About 2/3 of American women want to raise kids (or already have them).
3. I don't earn $50,000 or more in annual income. About half of American women "require" this in a potential mate.
So with the three most obvious reasons covered, I'd like to discuss the less-evident problems.
Most women I've encountered within my "eligible age range" of 23 to 46 seem to be very insecure, cliquish, and are searching for an ideal persona of a man that I refer to as the All-American Mainstream Stud. I don't fully understand this persona, but it might relate to movie characters and TV personalities they see. My guess is that an All-American Mainstream Stud (AAMS) is brawny with a big macho attitude; has a very well-paying job; is a Christian; wants kids; is a fan of alternative rock, hip-hop, or traditional country music (and not dance-pop or soft rock); hardly ever consumes organic or real, natural food; and dines out all the time. The AAMS also is quite unintellectual and rarely thinks outside the box.
While I'm certainly no pushover (and am usually quite assertive), the AAMS ideal that most women here seem to seek out is about as far from me as you can get. Anyone outside of the AAMS ideal is considered "weird" to some degree. And lots of American women apparently fear any man who is the least bit "weird," because he just might turn out to be a rapist, murderer, or child molester! Oh no...run for your lives!!! (Never mind the fact that most of these crooks actually turn out to be the typical AAMS's.)
American women also have a huge addiction to television, which I practically never watch. TV portrays an extremely inaccurate perception of the world, convinces people that they "need" stuff that they really don't, and loads women (and men) up with very unrealistic expectations about life. In short, TV makes a person sick, fat, broke, and stupid. And since I'm not an AAMS, women can't project those unrealistic expectations onto me.
After frequenting American dance clubs for many years, I've discovered that single women (who aren't with a date) do not go there to meet men. They're there simply to hang out with their established clique. I, on the other hand, attend not only to enjoy dancing to the music, but to bond with others and to meet an interested single gal if I'm lucky. Unfortunately, though, the routine is always the same: in the 2-3 hour timespan, an average of just two women will dance with me for one song only. I'll try to get acquainted with her during those few minutes by asking, "What's your name? Where are you from? What do you do for a living?" At the conclusion of the song, she politely says, "Thank you," returns to her clique, and rarely pays attention to me again.
And during one-third of my discotheque outings, I'm the invisible man the entire time I'm there. It's as if it wouldn't have mattered at all socially whether I had patronized the place that evening or not. I also dislike the fact that most American clubgoers require at least a few drinks of alcohol before they're psychologically able to hit the dancefloor (since I don't drink).
Nearly two years ago, I joined a local Unitarian Universalist (UU) church (which is the most liberal church in my city), with the intention of meeting people -- particularly younger adults (and especially women). I was seeking anyone who would share my interests, and who might actually wish to hang out with me away from church in their spare time. But alas, the women were either married or had a boyfriend, were preparing to move away, were still in college, weren't "looking," didn't show any interest, or weren't physically attractive at all.
Well anyway, I just wanted to rant a little about my experiences (or lack thereof) with American women, and how my personal characteristics are so dissonant with theirs. Time to look elsewhere in the world!
Stay tuned for more posts about my past American social life, how I dealt with it along the way, and how within the last year, I've finally crossed the line.
To begin this story, I'll first share with you the text of my online personal ad narrative:
-----------------
Settling into my latest job as a customer service rep for an insurance company. I'm very content with having my own living space in the city, and love eating organic foods and enjoying natural health. Have thought deeply about what my wants and needs are in a relationship, and about my unique things to offer. I like dance-pop music, cruising, dancing, computers, reading interesting articles, walking for an hour at Lake Hefner, and thinking. Am honest, down-to-earth, sensitive, sweet, creative. Am an individualist and feminist, and just enjoy being myself.
Searching for that independent, self-assured sweetheart -- a woman who isn't afraid to live her life for *her*. Must be confident, intelligent, candid, and attractive. Should share my individualistic relationship values and my passion for dance-pop music!
-----------------
Next, I'll show a short "brainstorming" tidbit I wrote awhile back. When occasionally meeting a local woman online, and after we've exchanged a few "icebreaker" e-mails, I often share this piece with her:
-----------------
Here's a fun topic to ponder: What's so great about having a relationship with you? In what unique ways can someone enjoy a relationship with *you*, which they might not be able to enjoy with most other people? What makes you so special (i.e., different in a positive way) for a person to be in love with?
As for me...
She would be able to live for *her* and not get chastised for it (as long as she doesn't lie to me or cheat, or keep secrets from me). She would enjoy positive encouragement to think for herself -- to question anything and everything in her own unique way -- wherever it leads. She would *never* be expected to "change" her nature or her needs.
She wouldn't have to worry about going through pregnancy, childbirth, or raising little rascals, nor would she need any kind of birth control. (I've already had a vasectomy and don't have any kids.)
She'd never be expected to cook for me, or to perform all of the housework by herself. We'd either dine out or fix ourselves simple meals (or cook a meal together), and we'd *both* clean our house or apartment occasionally. Also, I have a tendency *not* to slop around or make messes, and almost always clean up after myself.
She wouldn't have to worry about her weight (as long as she doesn't become very obese, such as >300 lbs), since I adore the pleasantly-plump figure and I care significantly more about a cute face than a "perfect" body. She could relax and eat as much as she wants, and I'd be lying with her on the couch feeding & kissing her!
And while she's lying on that couch, she'd never have to go through the trouble of painting her fingernails or toenails, because I would always do it for her as often as she wants -- kissing each finger and toe as I go!
She practically never would be bombarded with body odor from me, because my organic lifestyle produces very little B.O. or bad breath. She could hang out and cuddle with me in peace without aromatic annoyance.
She would experience the greatest dance-pop, hard & soft rock, and country-pop music of the '70s, '80s, '90s, & '00s with my collection of over 400 albums containing more than 5,000 songs, along with great sound systems in my living room and car. Even when we're making love!
Finally, she'd always have a warm set of arms to fall into when she's feeling anxious, frustrated, or hurt. She could discuss difficult issues with me in the safest setting possible: sitting down together holding hands and partially embracing each other, while never being criticized or judged during the dialogue.
There you are....
-----------------
(I'd also like to mention that I work at a large call center where 60 percent of the employees are women, and when appropriate, I'll casually mention to my co-workers that I'm single and looking. I also enjoy frequenting local dance clubs every few weeks that play disco and '80s/'90s pop -- where two-thirds of the patrons are usually women -- and spend most of my time on the dancefloor without drinking alcohol.)
So anyway at this point, you might be thinking that a guy like me "probably has it made" among American women, right?
Well, it has now been 176 months since my last girlfriend. How could this happen?
First I'll briefly describe the three obvious reasons that come to mind. Then, we'll contemplate the less apparent (but just as significant) ones.
1. I'm not a Christian. About 85% of Americans are Christian, and want a lover who shares in their religious passions.
2. I don't want children. About 2/3 of American women want to raise kids (or already have them).
3. I don't earn $50,000 or more in annual income. About half of American women "require" this in a potential mate.
So with the three most obvious reasons covered, I'd like to discuss the less-evident problems.
Most women I've encountered within my "eligible age range" of 23 to 46 seem to be very insecure, cliquish, and are searching for an ideal persona of a man that I refer to as the All-American Mainstream Stud. I don't fully understand this persona, but it might relate to movie characters and TV personalities they see. My guess is that an All-American Mainstream Stud (AAMS) is brawny with a big macho attitude; has a very well-paying job; is a Christian; wants kids; is a fan of alternative rock, hip-hop, or traditional country music (and not dance-pop or soft rock); hardly ever consumes organic or real, natural food; and dines out all the time. The AAMS also is quite unintellectual and rarely thinks outside the box.
While I'm certainly no pushover (and am usually quite assertive), the AAMS ideal that most women here seem to seek out is about as far from me as you can get. Anyone outside of the AAMS ideal is considered "weird" to some degree. And lots of American women apparently fear any man who is the least bit "weird," because he just might turn out to be a rapist, murderer, or child molester! Oh no...run for your lives!!! (Never mind the fact that most of these crooks actually turn out to be the typical AAMS's.)
American women also have a huge addiction to television, which I practically never watch. TV portrays an extremely inaccurate perception of the world, convinces people that they "need" stuff that they really don't, and loads women (and men) up with very unrealistic expectations about life. In short, TV makes a person sick, fat, broke, and stupid. And since I'm not an AAMS, women can't project those unrealistic expectations onto me.
After frequenting American dance clubs for many years, I've discovered that single women (who aren't with a date) do not go there to meet men. They're there simply to hang out with their established clique. I, on the other hand, attend not only to enjoy dancing to the music, but to bond with others and to meet an interested single gal if I'm lucky. Unfortunately, though, the routine is always the same: in the 2-3 hour timespan, an average of just two women will dance with me for one song only. I'll try to get acquainted with her during those few minutes by asking, "What's your name? Where are you from? What do you do for a living?" At the conclusion of the song, she politely says, "Thank you," returns to her clique, and rarely pays attention to me again.
And during one-third of my discotheque outings, I'm the invisible man the entire time I'm there. It's as if it wouldn't have mattered at all socially whether I had patronized the place that evening or not. I also dislike the fact that most American clubgoers require at least a few drinks of alcohol before they're psychologically able to hit the dancefloor (since I don't drink).
Nearly two years ago, I joined a local Unitarian Universalist (UU) church (which is the most liberal church in my city), with the intention of meeting people -- particularly younger adults (and especially women). I was seeking anyone who would share my interests, and who might actually wish to hang out with me away from church in their spare time. But alas, the women were either married or had a boyfriend, were preparing to move away, were still in college, weren't "looking," didn't show any interest, or weren't physically attractive at all.
Well anyway, I just wanted to rant a little about my experiences (or lack thereof) with American women, and how my personal characteristics are so dissonant with theirs. Time to look elsewhere in the world!
Stay tuned for more posts about my past American social life, how I dealt with it along the way, and how within the last year, I've finally crossed the line.