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Serious dilemma with Dianne: Should we separate for good?

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Serious dilemma with Dianne: Should we separate for good?

Postby Winston » Tue Jun 17, 2008 11:52 am

Serious dilemma with Dianne: Should we separate for good? What solution can there be?

Hi all,
I've been wanting to get something off my chest for a long time now. The relationship between me and Dianne is not as rosy, wonderful, or peaceful as I might have portrayed it. During the year we've been together, we've been in a real topsy turvy situation and in an irreconcilable drama loop. Right now we are on a vacation from each other, or a "break" so to speak, to cool off. This has happened almost every other month during the year that we've been together, even while she was pregnant.

Basically, she keeps me on a leash almost 24/7, never lets me go anywhere alone without her, and constantly yells at me, bosses me around, gets angry all the time, behaves like a drama queen, and get this, often hits me now out of anger, not only in private but even in public too, whenever I look at other girls. She hits me in the face and sometimes even in the eyes! Other girls I know who have witnessed it have even admitted that it's excessive, even for a jealous Filipina. They feel sorry for me and see Dianne as a violent person out of control. She wasn't like this before, but now uses hitting as a way of controlling me.

And my new expat friends who've seen how she bosses me around told me, "She's got you man! You should have never let her take control of you like that. They will if you let them. At first they act submissive and innocent and easy going, but that's just a facade. Once you're theirs, they got all the control."

Anyhow, I can't tolerate it, and a guy can only take all the yelling and hitting for so long. It's draining and somewhat suffocating too.

You see, she wants me to be this goody two shoes, totally monogamous guy who has no interest in any other females, never even looking at them, and being totally giving and generous to her, never complaining about cost. That's her ideal guy and relationship.

Well I can't be like that, even if I wanted to. And as you know, you can't be something you're not. She doesn't really understand me, and even if she did, she can't accept the way I am. You see, I'm in the heart of a "sex disneyland" right now and everywhere there are sexy girls and even model type girls with killer figures. To expect me not to look at any of them would be like putting Michaelangelo or Leonardo DaVinci in the biggest art museum in the world and expect them not to look at any of the paintings or artifacts. It's just not realistic. (And if I do, I get hit in the face!)

Furthermore, looking at the big picture, if I don't take advantage of the opportunities I have here, of living my fantasy with girls who fit my Asian female fantasy image, I'll regret it forever after I leave the Philippines. If we end up back in suburban America, I know I'll squirm every night knowing that I could have lived so many fantasies with so many women that fit my desires and fantasy image, that I never did, simply because one woman prevented it all. That would suck big time, to end up in regret like that.

It's like this is the opportunity I've been waiting for for 15 years, and I finally have it, but I'm in shackles unable to do anything about it due to the societal pressures of monogamy and extreme control from my partner. That just really sucks and makes me really unhappy. And it makes me squirm every day too.

There are just wayyyyyy too many girls to choose from here, even among the hotties, any one of which would be unattainable in the US. Thus, for guys like me, it's just way too much to ask to expect us to "stick to one" as Filipinas like to say. The irony is that though there are too many attractive girls to choose from, each one of them wants deep down inside to be the only one.

Here I am able to live my fantasy with Asian women every night if I want to. I have opportunities unheard of in the US, and reserved only for CEO's and NFL stars. The other day, at a pool party with 7 Filipina girls in a classy neighborhood, a fellow Asian American expat told me that he could never live this type of life in the US, having so many young girls at his swimming pool. I replied, "Yep, that kind of thing is only reserved for CEO's and football/baseball stars."

Plus, since freedom is the biggest thing for me, having all my freedom taken away 24/7 feels like a prison to me. It leaves me unhappy, and Dianne can see it too. She complains that I don't look as happy, attentive and focused with her as I do when I'm flirting or courting other girls. And that's probably true cause being with the same person everyday loses its novelty, the stimulation wears off. It's not that I don't love her. I love her very much and our baby too. But I can't be what she wants, at least not now. Beautiful women are my NUMBER ONE passion in life, and no matter what society says about how I idealistically ought to be totally monogamous and a goody two shoes father and family man, that doesn't change my number one passion.

What's ironic is that she says that my having other girls is the ONLY thing she wants me to change, but ironically, that's the ONLY thing I can't really change. Hence, even though we are very compatible in many areas and get along great personality-wise and in things we like to do for fun, this issue puts an irreconcilable wedge between us.

I've tried to find a compromise, such as making a deal where I be what she wants most of the week but she lets me go out and do what I want one or two nights a week (or even a month) but she will not agree to such compromises. She demands 100 percent monogamy or nothing. Those are her terms. She wants a guy who needs no one but her and never needs to go out and have fun, but it always completely committed to her.

In short, I can't be happy being what she wants me to be, but she can't be happy if she allows me to be what I want to be and give me some "freedom" in my life. It's a "no win" situation. And I don't see a win-win solution.

Eventually, this disagreement between us, our inability to change for each other and accept each other's terms, reaches a boiling point, resulting in her having had enough and storming out the door. When she leaves, she fires parting shots, bluffs and threats such as "you will never see me and Angelo again", "I never come back to you", "Don't contact me anymore", etc. She never really means those things though, she just says them out of anger. But in a day, a few days, or even a week, we end up feeling lonely and miserable without each other and then happily get back together again, and go back to the same routine.

But alas, the cycle repeats itself all over again, and the boiling point is reached again.

Thus, we've had "breaks" from each other about a dozen times now at least during the past year. Each time I get a vacation from her, I go out and enjoy the fruits and pleasures of "sex disneyland" again, screwing around and having more girls than I can handle. But then I start to feel empty and sad inside without Dianne and Angelo. Then, when I talk sweet to her and smile to her again, she returns to normal and is happy to be back together again. It seems that deep down, we both WANT to be together, not apart.

So again, we are now on a break from each other. This cycle never seems to stop. But what can we do about it?

Is it best for us to break up for good, living separate lives, and with me visiting the baby occassionally and supporting him? There does not seem to be a win-win solution between us. Again, I can't be happy being what she wants and she can't be happy letting me be who I am and giving me freedom. So what can we do? Keep repeating this cycle, or break up for good? Doesn't it seem inevitable? Or should we hurry and move to another country where I am no longer in "babe paradise"? Would that be the solution?

I know some of you probably think I'm chasing phantoms and temporary pleasures at the expense of having a loving wife and family. But if I don't, I become deeply unhappy and feel full of regret, that all my fantasies go unfulfilled. So what can I do?

And what can I do about Dianne hitting me? I keep telling her to stop it, but in response, she will say, "If you want me to stop hitting you, then stop looking at other girls!" putting the blame on me.

Either way, she is becoming more drama prone, loves to make a scene in public, overly expressive (which is why we connect probably), and also becoming more high maintenance and lazy.

I tried to get relationship counseling for us, but I was told people here do not go to shrinks or therapists. They solve their own family problems. We did have this bar manager act as a "Dr Phil" between us one time. He had the same practical no nonsense wisdom as Dr Phil does, but without the arrogance and BS feminism. He basically said we should not waffle in the "maybe zone" but be black and white in our relationship. Either we stay together and come to an agreement, or separate and make agreements regarding the baby. We made an agrement to stay together, and it was fine for a while, but the chain she has around my neck and the strict control 24/7 became too much for me. (I'm not even allowed to go out alone without her, anywhere) But she feels she has to do it to keep me under control.

Any comments or ideas?
Last edited by Winston on Wed Jun 18, 2008 6:17 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: Dilemma between me and Dianne: Should we separate for go

Postby ladislav » Tue Jun 17, 2008 2:43 pm

Oh, it's sad to belong to someone else when the right oneS come along.

You are in a difficult situation, and I am beating myself around the block for not advising you before you had arrived what many expats advise newbies when they head for SE Asia- don't rush with commitments. Hang around for some 6 months and go out with many girls. You are not in the West anymore.

Such advice holds even more true if you live in Pattaya, Bangkok or Angeles City. Having an old fashioned man-woman-child family is only for the very poor or the very religious. However, a lot of guys are still in the Western frame of mind when they arrive, they find a gf, stick with her and then their eyes open up- it is raining girls every day of the week. "You mean there are more girls here and I do not have to hold on to mine for dear life?"
But every situation must have some kind of solution and so does yours, I guess.

However, you will also have to think about her and put yourself in her shoes. If you guys split up, her marriageabilty in the Philippines will be very low. And marriage and family/kids are very important to Pinays.

In the Catholic, girl-rich Philippines, most guys would not want to marry a girl who is not a virgin, let alone with a kid. She will be screwed for life if she deals with Filipino guys. That is why numerous Filipinas with kids look for Westerners, for these are often the only ones that would marry them.

So, it is a delicate situation and you will need to unravel it delicately. How? If we only think about you and completely ignore her feelings,
maybe you can give her a written ultimatum and then leave? See if she comes back to you and accepts your terms later. These terms must include the stop to beatings, and if these are repeated, maybe then you will have to leave permanently and again present written instructions to her by proxy on how you expect to conduct affairs later.

It strikes me that you are just not a family man. We are not talking about being a goody two shoes. You are basically a common law husband to her and husbands are not supposed to fool around in a Catholic country.Plus how would you feel if she were the one who would go out once a week and sleep with a different guy or constantly keep looking at other guys?

But what about her? if you split up, can she get a job? Will it be enough for her? What about her future?

Hmmm, this is one situation to which I have no easy advice. I have my religion that helps me in difficult times. Maybe you can calm down and mediate and let the subconscious mind take over. Very often this is a very good idea. You can wake up with a perfect solution on your hands after a hearty sleep and an evening of prayer and meditation.
A brain is a terrible thing to wash!
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Postby Winston » Tue Jun 17, 2008 4:37 pm

Some interesting responses I've received by email so far:

"Ha ha,
Winston you make me laugh! You are describing what every guy wants and none of us can ever have. We all want the girls, and we all also want the stable, loving partnership. But we can't have it at the same time. Some guys decide one way, others the other way but for the majority of guys- they have both -but one after the other. I think in your case, and after reading about your history, you were unable to fulfill all the 'fantasies' before you met Dianne. Now you are in a position where the fantasies are available and you are wanting to make up for lost time. But at the same time you have Dianne, and because you are getting a bit older, you also want that relationship. Most guys ge the fantasies out of their system between 18-28, then they go on the the second stable relationship part.
I cnnot really blame how Dianne feels--- EVERY normal woman will feel that way and will not accept their man screwing around and then coming back to them. You just have to put yourself in her shoes to understand that. I won't comment on her behaviours re hitting etc.
So in short Winston..... you can have both but not at athe same time...... so if you want the fantasies, be kind to Dianne and don't put her through the agony of sleeping around on her, and break things off. Maybe if you are lucky, and after you have been satiated she will want you back."

---------------------------------------

"Her happiness is totally depend upon you. She is fearful you will leave. She is causing her fear to occur/

Since you child is an American citizen you will be required to pay child support by any US court. Generally speaking
this is 33% of you earnable income as determined by the court. Assume the court determines you can earn $30,000
a year then your child support payment will be $10,000 a year or P440,000 a year.

Dianne financial security will increase significantly. Yours will decrease significantly.

When sex is so readly available as it is in the Philippines this actually makes a marriage stronger because a man will not
have to leave his wife and children by falling in love with another woman.

Remember foreign men are attractive and she knows that other women want to take you away.
Every time you look they have proven to themselves they have the power to do so. This is what make
her so angry.

You should learn to hide your interest. When you are with her every time you see and attractive women imagine she has a
piece of shit in her mouth chewing on it and she want to kiss and smear it all over you.

You can tell Dianne how import family is to you and this why you are imagining this. She will start relaxing
and feel less stress."

-----------------------------------------

"This is sad! I thought all those times Brad and others complained about you they were being judgemental. But now I think they were not. You think you are the only one with these thoughts. Once you choose to have sex without any save guards you also so choose to have a child. Once you choose to have a child you choose to stop acting on those thoughts and desires. Because you did not think it all through your son will suffer. You can and you will rationalize your self serving actions but he will suffer not growing up in a family unit with both parents with him 24/7. You grew up in that family unit but it is not good enough for your son. How selfish of you. The black family unit a short time ago use to be strong. Now look at it, 70% are born out of wedlock and 56% grow up in single family homes. Fathers are absent and not involved because they want to spread their seed. Soon your desires will become more important than your son and your financial support of him. The choice is called maturing. Don't think a part time Dad is equal to a full time Dad."

------------------------------------

"Winston,

Any woman would become jealous of you do - discussing other women is your major activity, no woman needs or wants that. I don't think any girl will be happy with you.

Asians "like" you because you're American and they hope you have money. They don't like YOU! The same is with Eastern European girls.

I understand Diane and feel sorry for her.

Good luck!"

--------------------------------------

"Hi Winston,
You have to remember she is very young & probably has an "ideal" Catholic philosophy of her husband. I don't think you can change her for a few years, so your seperations may have to be much longer than in the past. I think you can find another girl who doesn't put you through all this. OK, maybe it won't come to this."

------------------------------------------

"Winston,

Diane, should not be hitting you, that's a problem but something in your psyche will not allow yourself to grow up. You made a baby and Diane carried that burden for 9 months and continues to carry that burden. In my opinion you are selfish, instead of thinking what's best for my child, how educated will be become, can I get him the best schools available, can I make life on this earth the best for him. Instead of the latter, you are still thinking about your dick. I understand your psychology, you were deprived of these sexual fantacies as a young man growing up and now your "making up for lost time" but you chose to bring this child into the world and that should be the focus of your life. I don't want to preach to you but I felt the need to voice this as I have 2 kids. Also it's disrespectful to any woman to openly gawk at other women especially when your with them. What if the shoe was on the other foot and Diane kept saying Wow did you see the pecs on that guy on the beach. How would you feel?"

------------------------------------------

"Hi Winston,
The vast majority of guys will get it out of their system, that is whay the vast majority lead monogamous lives in stable relationships, or at least seek those relationships out. In my case, I 'sowed my wild oats' from 18-25 yrs old. I was fairly good looking so getting some wasn't too much of a problem. However, my goal was to settle down and have a normal relationship and family. I did marry a filipina. So things were good for about 17 yrs and we are now divorcing.... because she was a liar, and thief and like most filipinas in my opinion, was money motivated. Anyway, now single but dating a Lithuanian girl. I do not think I will ever marry again, but likewise, I am now not so attracted and motivated by playing the gigolo lifestyle. I'm 43 and maybe I have got most of that out of my system. It may have allure for you at the moment, but ultimately Winston, you too will tire of it and it will make you start to feel pretty jaded. Then you will also want the stability of a monogamous relationship. But there is always compromise, and you have to balance the scales to see which end is heavier. Relationships carry restrictions and NO girl will accept chronic infidelity from a partner. So if your need at a particular point in your life favours one lifestyle over the other, then go that way, but you have to give up the other one. Maybe in another era long, long ago, men were able to have both, but not nowadays.
Winston, you have to get it out of your system, it will probably come out of your system after so much of it. But in the meantime you cannot have Dianne and a relationship. Hugh Hefner is an anomoly. But there are guys who remain forever single and lead the gigolo lifestyle. You have to choose which is right for you, and you will know when it is time."
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Postby Winston » Tue Jun 17, 2008 4:51 pm

More interesting responses:


"Your only real option is to break off with her and just stay friends for the sake of the baby. Visit the baby and provide money for her to take care of it. This way you can break your chain and move on with your life. She is only going to get worse, not better and just imagine what she will look like 10 years from now. You would have missed opportunities to be with hot chicks with no commitments and you will still be saddled with taking care of her. It just goes down hill from there.

This is what I do and I can still have fun when i want to and date around."

------------------------------------------

"For the most part I agree with "D."'s summation except I would add that maybe your relationship has never been that secure if you you "broke up" or "gave each other space" every other month even during her pregnancy.

My wife and I hooked up just before we both turned 30 years old and spent the first 5 nights in 3 countries, parted for a few days during Christmas as it was too early to be introduced to her Filipino family, met on Boracay Island spending about 2 weeks together before heading back to "reality" as I had to go back to the States and she had to get back to "the business" of making some money. I'd had two previous long term relationships and been laid plenty ( but of course never enough -always chasing new passionate fantasies ) and she had had 5 boyfriends ( her first at age 23 ) each a bot diffferent so each of us WERE READY TO SETTLE DOWN WITH EACH OTHER.

77 love letters from me and only a dozen post cards from her during the following 4+ months and I flew back to Korea meeting her in Seoul. Then we spent 99% of the following few years 24 / 7 together until we'd opened two accommodation locations, one in Manila and one on Boracay when we kept our separations to MAX 15 days until our mid 40s.

In summary, if you decide that your LOVE for Dianne is deep enough then STAY with her and keep the fantasies in your head and use them withOUT guilt when you're making love together. Forget about the fanciful notion that you EACH are TOTALLY focused on each other as MOST MARRIED COUPES who are honest will admit SEX with the same person over a long period of time IS MOSTLY MENTAL and WHATEVER it takes to keep each others' orgasms intense and satisfying is FINE. Then many years later AFTER Dianne feels SECURE with her own home paid for in her name and content with her family life with you THEN it's not such a big deal if you GO OUT AND HAVE SOME FUN. Most Asian women/ wives with fairly successful, responsible men / husbands who have built a life together and accumulated some assets and had sex 5000 to 10000++ times already don't mind if their men gets a an occasional taste of YOUTH and FANTASY. A practical or business minded wife will think of it as sub-contracting; why do something that you're not in the mood to do IF someone else will make your husband HAPPY for P1000 to a few thousand pesos.?? Ciao and GOOD LUCK!"

------------------------------------

"Winston,

Having children with one woman while one wants to womanize with all the rest is probably a bad idea.
If you are not married to the mother you have few rights with the child in the Philippines.
I cannot imagine that any woman will be happy with the prospect of being a family and raising a child while
her man is screwing every chick in sight. Occasionally I have seen a married woman who does seem to resign
herself to her husband having a mistress, but even that is not total promiscuity, more like polygamy.
I think the man whore fantasy might be amusing, but I would not count on having any real relationships in the process.

My 2 cents worth..."

------------------------------

"Come on man...no good woman is gonna be okay with you sleeping with other women. And if she was okay with it would you still respect her? Its okay to want freedom in that you spend time apart hanging with friends or pusuing a hobby like golf or something, but you can't expect a self-respecting woman who loves you to give you the freedom of f***ing around. All men want to cheat no doubt about it because of the things you mention about stimulation and novelty wearing off. But if you love your woman something should stop you. Not from wanting to cheat, that's just a given. You wouldn't cheat because you love her and even though she'd never find out YOU know you cheated on the woman you love. And if she does find out your love should stop you from hurting her like that...Maybe you don't love Dianne"

-------------------------------

"Tough situation!

You aren't married, so you have no control over your child. You walk and she controls your child. It's time for you to get tough with her, maybe get a little physical with her if you have to. You think I'm kidding, but the only way to undo what you've created is to shock her. Otherwise, you might as well leave, and risk never seeing your child.

You might want to talk to a Lawyer."

---------------------------------

"Hi Winston,

Sounds like you should convert to being a Mormon, have ten wives and enjoy...
Nah I'm just kidding... but I feel ya man. I know how it feels because we are men and men by nature are to chase hot good looking girls but at the same time you got a kid man. You have a son and you want to be good role model for him, right? I mean after all why did you have kid with Dianne?... If you enjoy the company of hot girls but yet you still feel empty because Dianne is not with you then that means that Dianne is the real person you should be with because if you base your relationship on lust then it's going to fail but if you base your relationship on love then it's going to succeed. If Dianne giving you lecture on why you should not look at other girls then that is normal considering that since you had kid with her she assumed that you pretty much settled down but you and Dianne should have a deep discussion about this. If your goal is to populate the world with Winston Wu juniors then you should settle and score with many girls as possible and someday you would have the status of being Genghis Khan. Hey if you beat the record of having the world population of more than 0.5 % of Winston Wu's then I will give you a candy. lol."

-------------------------------------------

"Of course no woman wants her husband to lust after other women for sure!!! This you can be sure about!!
NO woman would want that!!! But some women won't mind your looking!!
But knowing your history, Dianne knows that you just don't look, but lust big time and want them seriously, to
have fun with them. This is what ticks her off. On the other hand, the control drama is too much too.
No man can live with a chain around his neck forever! That's a bit too much. All women like to control their men.
But to get the right balance and compromise is the key, which in your case is not really coming up.

The thing that is happening is - She's not supposed to control you so much and you are not to lust after women so
much either. But this has become necessary for both of you. if both of you could ease on your positions and
come to a compromise, then it would work better. But now even this is not happening.
Maybe you shouldn't have married her? Are you married or is it just a bastard child? If the later is true then
what legal implications are there if you leave? Its complicated because of both of you not willing or wanting to
make the changes and compromises with your individual approaches and likings and mentality.

The first thing about family life is compromise and sacrifice. If you can't do it, then don't get into it. Period.
So you will have to decide if you want to stay with her and get her to compromise her position and compromise
your own, or leave and live without her. This is the only solution. Its a decision not a solution really.
The only other solution can be a metaphysical one. Good luck!"
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Postby Winston » Tue Jun 17, 2008 6:44 pm

Some intriguing responses and bizarre suggestions:

"Take systemic breaks from each other (on good terms). Perhaps you can spend a week out of a month alone? 2nd option is to have an open relationship."

---------------------------------------

"First, wtf were u doing getting into a serious relationship and
bringing another human being into this terrible world without *first*
having a discussion about how u need to be free to f**k around and
second, I'm assuming you'll give her the freedom to f**k around too -
otherwise you'll be a horrible hypocrite.

Going forward, if you want to keep your relationship with her, try
this: a study was done that measured physiological arousal when
subjects were asked to think two thoughts. One was imagining your
partner having unemotionally-attached sex with someone else, and the
other was imagining you partner developing a close emotional but
platonic bond with someone else. The men's response was off the charts
for the former and mild for the latter, and the women's response was
the opposite. So try telling her that she is the one for you because
of your emotional bond, and u could never imagine anyone else but her
for you. But you need to have sex with random women, sex without any
emotional attachment whatsoever. Promise - and follow through on it -
that any random chick you have sex with you will never see again. You
won't exchange numbers, you won't go out with her later, etc. Explain
it is like masturbation, and that the bond between u and her will not
be eroded by random, meaningless sex with random women you won't start
any kind of relationship with.

That idea may take some time to be acceptable to her, but as I see it
it is your only chance."
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Postby DiscoPro_Joe » Tue Jun 17, 2008 7:59 pm

Well Winston, as a staunch individualist, my advice would be for you to clarify your values, consider the consequences of your actions (both short-term and long-term), and then do what's best for yourself after thinking long and hard about all of that. No one can know you and understand your needs better than you can.

From what you wrote, you seem to have zero need for sexual monogamy, and you apparently don't require that sexual intercourse be within the context of a strong friendship or committed relationship. (Personally...by the way, I'm the opposite. I have a strong need for monogamy, and would not tolerate cheating.)

The reason for Dianne's angry and controlling behavior is that her needs aren't being well-met in the relationship. She has a strong need for monogamy, and she knows that you cheat and womanize.

I think there's either one of two reasons why people cheat on their partner: their own needs (emotional, inspirational, or sexual) aren't being well-met in the relationship and they're unwilling to discuss and resolve those matters, or...that person simply wasn't born with a need for sexual monogamy in a relationship. You seem to be of the latter.

(Don't worry, Winston...nobody's perfect. I wasn't born with a "male ego" that most men have.) :wink:

Based upon what you've written, I think your differences are irreconcilable. You should get a divorce, pay child support, absolutely get a vasectomy, live a life of promiscuity, and be open and honest about who you are and what you want. Not everyone will like you, and some people will criticize you for your lifestyle. But that's the price we all pay to be ourselves and find happiness.

No one can know you and understand your needs better than you can, Winston. It's time to match your identity and dreams with your deeds and actions.
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Postby Winston » Tue Jun 17, 2008 8:53 pm

More advice and suggestions I've received:

"Maybe move out of the phiipines and away from babe heaven.

Your relationship isn't going to last unless you stop cheating on her."

-------------------------------------------------

"Suggestion:
Buy a big paddle.
Spank her once a month.
Allow her to spank you daily and very hard if desired.........

Fist punches are a very very bad sigh so you must give her some other release.Offering your bare ass is no humiliation and will give you sexual potency as never experiencewd before.
Some men spank their wives and then ass f**k them too.I think it is sick.
The fists are a very very serious indication of marriage failure."

Comment: She doesn't use fists to hit me, it's more like an open handed slap, but very quick and direct.

----------------------------------------------

"How would you feel if she had sex with 1-2 guys a month (purely physical) out of the same sexual necessity that you describe below?"

Comment: I would feel jealous, but I'd eventually accept it.

-----------------------------------------

"Firstly, I am so sorry about the way you were treated.
I am not saying that Dianne is a bad person, or that there is no hope for her. But 1) She is a teenager still. 2) Having a new baby is frustrating. She's lost her youth. 3) She could have postpartum depression and rage problems. Try to get her to see a psychiatrist if you can. Don't rub it in her face. Try to work with her if you love her. And think about what is best for you and your son. If she is abusive, then you may have to take your baby and go back to America. Think long and hard-but don't abandon Angelo! He can't be seperated from his dad. He NEEDS you. Do you want him being raised by a man hater?"

------------------------------------------

"Sounds like she is jealous too.

Maybe you should tell her that it's okay for her to see other men if she feels lonely when you're off doing other women? At least then she wouldn't be able to say you're being unfair."

Comment: I've tried that but she has no interest in having other men. It's against her morals to do so. And she can't accept an open relationship even if she wanted to. I guess she has the serial monogamy gene.
Last edited by Winston on Tue Jun 17, 2008 9:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby momopi » Tue Jun 17, 2008 9:06 pm

I like the paddle and spanking idea...

My $0.02 is that couples should do what's best for their child. As adults we're responsible for the up-bringing of infants and children who don't know any better.

In France couples work during day time and have affairs at lunch or in the afternoon, then they go home to their spouse and family. Everything is kept quiet and discrete. But that's French culture and don't necessarily apply to PH.
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Postby Erasmus » Wed Jun 18, 2008 12:40 am

Just imagine if you had brought her to the states. She would already be filing for child support, alimony and half of whatever you may have owned before, and half of what you may get in the future (if you live in a community prop. state).

Gotta love it.

I still stand by the advice that was given to me in High school:

"Hit back".
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Postby Grunt » Wed Jun 18, 2008 1:50 am

First off, you failed to establish the dominant position at the beginning of the relationship so you are already in a deficit situation.

Second, you have a kid. You should not have gotten her pregnant. You made a fatal flaw that you will never recover from and you have no one to blame but yourself.

That said, the only tactic that can work in this situation is "result oriented punishment". No hitting is needed, aside from (literally) putting her over your knee and spanking her backside till its good and red. And Im not kidding there. Next time she physically hits you, grab her by the arm, put her down and give her what for. Put alot into it, be sure to get her attention.

However, the primary tactic should be as I said. If she misbehaves, you state clearly "Ok, you have earned yourself some punishment". Then you tell her you are leaving for an hour. if she steps out of line again, you tell her you are leaving for 2 hours. Then right on up till she has to decide if she wants you around at all.

This is effective because it allows the offender to decide how much punishment there will be, if any. If you get to the point where a month goes by before you come back, you are well and truly in a no win situation and you can leave freely. And none of this is due to your actions, its her actions alone.

Kids and women are the same. They want to be shown the boundaries. If you fail to show them, they run amok. Show them the rules and they will love and respect you.
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Postby Winston » Wed Jun 18, 2008 4:03 am

Erasmus wrote:Just imagine if you had brought her to the states. She would already be filing for child support, alimony and half of whatever you may have owned before, and half of what you may get in the future (if you live in a community prop. state).

Gotta love it.

I still stand by the advice that was given to me in High school:

"Hit back".


W: Nah. Maybe some women would do that. But not her. She is not the suing type. There is a decent part of her nature deep down that prevents her from doing malicious stuff like that. It's hard to explain but I know her well enough to know she wouldn't take advantage of someone like that. It's not in her nature. And if she hates someone she just leaves them alone. She doesn't try to get even with them or settle the score. It's not in her nature.

To Grunt: I'm not the dominant type, and if I were, she wouldn't like me. Some girls here do not like dominant men. They like me cause I'm easygoing, sweet, romantic, and pleasant to be around.
Last edited by Winston on Wed Jun 18, 2008 5:35 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Winston » Wed Jun 18, 2008 5:18 am

Some new responses today:

"*** I think you need to say that you are unhappy in this situation, and that you will leave unless things improve. So long as you are not having affections or otherwise giving attention to other women, Dianne should not have a problem that you look at other women.

*** You could suggest that you live separately for a few months, and see if that changes her behavior. Of course, in those few months, you could get bar-girls."

------------------------------------

"You look at other girls with her by you side?
Lol, you are pathetic.

hahah"

--------------------------------------

"Winston

Fantasies are just that...don't be seduced by it and take good care to sort out the root causes

of the issues you and Dianne have,surely there can be some compromise if you both reign in

the ego's and opinions that may need reevaluating.TALK and get back to basics,look at why

she is doing this ask her how you can both resolve the crisis.

I WISH YOU LUCK"

--------------------------------

"Hi Winston,
I am very sorry to hear that things are not working out. Boy, many things come to mind but I do not have time right now to write them all down, as I am headed out of town to go to conference tomorrow for the next three days. I can understand how you feel and in a way I can see why she is reacting the way she is. I think it is typical for a woman to want to "own" her man. The one thing I have learned from my marriage to a Russian woman is that there is irony in the fact that American men go looking for overseas for a "traditional" woman and what they end up getting is a "traditional" woman who wants to control them. I have heard that a lot of men, including myself, want a more traditional woman who will cook, clean, be a good mother and all that stuff that we reminisce about from 30 or more years ago. (I'm a bit older than you) However what I have found that you get when you go looking for a "traditional" woman is also someone who has very old ideas and standards. One thing t
hey don't like is men who "look" around. I truly think there are men (and women) who should just not get married or make it clear that they are looking for an "alternative" relationship. One that allows more freedoms than a "traditional" relationship. Now to be fair this should go both ways in the relationship. So we, the men, who like to think of ourselves as independent/free thinkers may not like to be "caged" or claimed as a "possession" of a woman. This does create a dilemma for something like a marriage with kids involved. The expression though, comes to mind, of "having your cake and eating it too". My issue is seeming to get involved with very controlling women. And I can tell you from what I have seen personally that there are a lot of controlling Russian women. My wife is definitely controlling and that is why I am very unhappy. I am seeing through your eyes that maybe Philippine women are not that much different in this regard. Again though, I hate to stereotype
and I am sure that there are women there that are not as controlling. The other warning I would have for others is that no matter how much you make it clear to a woman that "you are who you are" and you will not be changed by the marriage; it seems to be a woman's duty to try and mold her husband into who she wishes he would be. This is also the cause for great disturbances in a relationship. Eventually I believe the husband just gets very frustrated by these attempts to be changed and either leave the marriage or become, as we say, "p***y whipped" and stay miserable for many years. So those are some of my thoughts today. I will check in with you in a few days."

------------------------------

"Hmm, sounds like a rock and a hard place. That sucks."

----------------------------------

"Winston,

if you are so "smart" why can't you keep the woman you love.

Changing partners has always been easy, it is a hard job to hold ONE!

All girls care about money. Of course, it is not THE ONLY thing girls care about. This is the biggest desire of all men to be loved for what they are. In this case a man has to be SOMETHING.

I might sound arrogant, but I was in a very abusive relationship with a person who believed that he was the smartest, the best in everything, that he had the right to hit a woman just because he was a man. He used to tell me I was nothing, that he was a hen with golden eggs, etc. (and he was nothing, just a poor student, with possible good future) and I loved him for what he was, or I thought he was.

I am happily married now, and he is still looking for "the right woman whom he can abuse, cheat on her, etc."

Do you think if you find another woman and keep being interested in all "possible relationships" , she would be happy? Imagine, Diane was interested in all the men around her. Bring her to America, your roles will change and then you will feel how it is to be in her shoes. It is not about control. She doesn't trust you. Who would!? "

-----------------------------------

"hit her back."

------------------------------------

"Hi Winston,

"I know some of you probably think I'm chasing phantoms and temporary pleasures at the expense of having a loving wife and family."

You have said well, unfortunately I'm one of those "some of you".

A man can't have other woman if he wants a good family life.
If what you said "I love her very much and our baby too.", then there is no other choice
but give up dating other girls.

uncle chen"
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Postby Winston » Wed Jun 18, 2008 6:24 am

Here's my dad's response:

"I don't know what to tell you. The bottom line is you are not ready for a serious commitment yet. If you knew yourself better, you should not have unprotected sex and have Dianne pregnant. Then you can have all the fantasy and fun time as you want. But, you can have this kind of life style for some period of time. Up to some point, you have to come back to the real world, taking some responsibility, plan your future, and settle down to a real world. Life is not all about fun. You have responsibility to your own life, life of the people who love you and life of those people you love.

Whatever you do, think about Angelo too. He is innocent. You brought him to this world. You have to give him a good home to grow up, not just provide him with food.

If you want my suggestion, move away from there, to other country. You should not feel regret about not having all the hot girls in that town. You have already had good time with so many girls in Philippines, in Russia. Other people just have one for whole life and live a happy life with no regret. Look around the other human being in the world, now and pass. People feel happy not because how many hot girls they have sex with. They are happy because they feel free from worrying. They are happy because their love ones are happy too.

Good luck, love,
Dad"
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Postby KristineTheStrawberryGirl » Wed Jun 18, 2008 6:59 am

Winston,

This may sound a like an off-the-wall idea, but would you have the option of moving yourself, baby and wife in with or near your parents? As strange as it may sound, taking Diane and Angelo to live with or around your family for a while may help resolve the dysfunction or it may help you know if there is any hope. I think that it is time for your parents to set the standard and the example for a while instead of hers. It may help to cultivate Diane, help her to become more cosmopolitan and sophisticated, and it may help her learn a more constructive role. Im terms of the cultural aspect of your relationship, you are the one doing everything to adjust to her ways, her family and their values. Let her adjust to some of your values, and your family's values.
"The limits of my language mean the limits of my world." -Ludwig Wittgenstein
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Postby Grunt » Wed Jun 18, 2008 7:26 am

In other words, reward negative behavior. Relationship advice from a feminist. Classic.

KristineTheStrawberryGirl wrote:Winston,

This may sound a like an off-the-wall idea, but would you have the option of moving yourself, baby and wife in with or near your parents? As strange as it may sound, taking Diane and Angelo to live with or around your family for a while may help resolve the dysfunction or it may help you know if there is any hope. I think that it is time for your parents to set the standard and the example for a while instead of hers. It may help to cultivate Diane, help her to become more cosmopolitan and sophisticated, and it may help her learn a more constructive role. Im terms of the cultural aspect of your relationship, you are the one doing everything to adjust to her ways, her family and their values. Let her adjust to some of your values, and your family's values.
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