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Serious dilemma with Dianne: Should we separate for good?

Discuss dating, relationships and foreign women.

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Postby Winston » Fri Jun 20, 2008 11:23 am

Good News! Dianne agrees to quit the bar and we are starting a new life again!

Hi all,
I have GOOD NEWS!

When got home early this morning at 5 or 6am, she was tired as hell, just as I predicted. But she was glad to earn 700p of cash that night, which she had in her purse, in addition to her 200p a day salary there. The 700p was from drink commissions she said (apparently she got bought 4 drinks by customers, 2 of them wanted to barfine her but she refused), which she got paid the same day. Plus tips. I don't know, it doesn't seem to add up. If the ladies drinks are 150p or 250p, how did she earn that much from four drinks? Whatever.

Anyhow, she was excited to earn that much in one day, just from drinks. And if you get a lot of drinks from customers, you don't have to go barfine. But it all depends on the bar's quotas and expectations. In the Philippines, that's considered making out good.

(and the dollar has gone up here, now at 44.60p per dollar)

Then she went about teasing me sarcastically in her usual way, for a while, in her melodramatic tone and way that's hard to describe in words.

But eventually, she admitted that she was unhappy working there, even though she was in the spotlight in a classy environment and getting a lot of attention. I don't know why. If I were working there, I'd enjoy it at least for a few days. But with her, first of all, she admitted that the customers buying drinks for her kept wanting to rub her and kiss her, and she was uncomfortable and repulsed by that. And they wanted to barfine her too. One guy was ok looking, but another was really old, old enough to be her grandfather. Another thing is that the hours in the bar are very long, 9 hours a day, her schedule last night being from 7pm to 5am, and you have to work 6 days a week, getting only one day off per week! (I don't know why they make you work that much here and in the Philippines in general. People here do not have workaholic mentalities, so I don't get why most working schedules are 6 days a week) And to be honest, I know Dianne's temperament very well, and I can tell you that she is basically lazy, tires and fatigues quite easily, doesn't like to work that hard, has a low tolerance for pain, and always needs ample amounts of rest. (kind of like me I guess) So I knew she couldn't withstand long hours like that. She's needs something with short hours that is fun and relaxing. (I guess that's what we have in common....)

Anyhow, deep down, I knew she wouldn't be happy there for long.

But she needed to make money to send her sisters to school, and wanted to force herself to continue working in the bar anyway, even though she didn't.

So I proposed an offer. I asked how much her 3 sisters needed for school each month, and she said around 5000p would cover it. So I said, ok I'll just give you the 5000p this month to cover that. Then I'll buy her a laptop on credit (something she wanted for a long time) so she can use it to make money on the internet (she has a way of making good money online) and gradually pay for the laptop back little by little in increments with the money she makes.

Eventually she agreed. And we made love and had makeup sex :)

So we are back again and starting a new life now. I am so glad because to be honest, the past few days I've had my freedom and was going out to bars picking up girls and stuff, left me feeling empty and miserable deep down inside. Not only did I miss Dianne and feel incomplete without her, but also missed the baby as well. I felt incomplete without them, and very empty, no matter how much fun I had. And she felt the same way, but couldn't admit it.

So I guess all this taught me a lesson.

This has happened before, as mentioned, but this time it look a lot longer and her working in a bar, to get things back on track again.

A few months ago, during one of our "breaks" from each other, after going to Manila and spending a few days and nights with this girl I like, and then hanging out with one of my advisors there afterward, while I was on the way back to Angeles in a bus, I felt utterly empty and miserable without Dianne and the baby and missed having them around, that I was crying inside. It was only then that I realized how much I needed them and couldn't live apart from them.

So anyway, again the cycle continues. I just hope it doesn't keep repeating itself, but what can I do?

In the meantime, I guess I'll be looking forward to the days again when every time I try to type a sentence in my forum or email, the baby will start crying again and Dianne will be shouting "Winston you do that later ok! You play with Angelo now!" And then when I get online at night while the baby is sleeping, Dianne will say "hug me, hold me til I fall asleep". Then when she falls asleep, it'll only be a while before I get sleepy too, leaving me little internet time between the gaps. lol

Back in line again,
Winston
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Postby Grunt » Fri Jun 20, 2008 4:30 pm

The moment my wife ordered me to change a diaper, Id be walking out the door.

You are being manipulated and within a year you will be a house boy.
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Postby Winston » Fri Jun 20, 2008 9:39 pm

Dear all,
A few more things I forgot to mention.

- During the last two days I was out barhopping, either with friends or alone, I actually got tired of it and bored, so I went home early. I'm thinking, maybe I'm not really the "bar type" after all. I just thought I was.

- The new expat friends I've been hanging out with go out to the bars 7 nights a week. And in the afternoon, they have a pool party at one of their houses, either with a group of girls (from the bars), or just the guys and their friends. I don't know how they can do that though. One of them is rich obviously (the one with the house and pool). The others just talk big and joke around, one even boasting that he barfines 2 or 3 girls per night. But they are good hearted guys deep down though. I enjoy the camaraderie with them, they are funny and also open to hearing what I have to say too. But they hate to read though, so they don't have the patience to read my site.

Still, how can they go barhopping every night for over a year and not get sick of it? They don't seem to want stable girlfriends either. But thrive on having a new girl every night. Anything in extreme is no good. Even when I'm doing something I love, I get tired of it if I do it 7 days a week. Even though they are cool, Dianne says their lifestyle is a bad influence on me. lol

- Someone on my list said that Dianne wasn't really serious about working in the bar. She just did that to get back at me and shame me, which is why she wanted me to visit her there. When I asked Dianne if that was true, she grinned. Perhaps that's what was going on?

But then again, a lot of you on my list thought she was serious about working in the bar too, so I guess I wasn't the only one fooled ;)
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Postby TheRiDdLeR » Fri Jun 20, 2008 10:21 pm

You are a f***ing pig Wu. How many lives must you destroy before someone does the world a favor and takes your pathetic life. You are absolute scum. These f***ing idiots here who think Dianne is to blame in any way need to wake up and realise just what you are.

As for Grunt, was a class act. Advocates beating a woman here. A gutless woman and child beater if I ever saw one. Where you in nam Grunt you dickhead? If so how many women did you rape and babies did you murder you arsehole.
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Postby TheRiDdLeR » Fri Jun 20, 2008 10:28 pm

sharpbws wrote:Winston -

IMHO all this whole thread does is openly display what a selfish, self-centered asshole you really are.


One of the very rare and extreme case where I am in complete and total agreement with Brad.
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Postby Grunt » Sun Jun 22, 2008 7:35 pm

Dude, riddler has already admitted on numerous occasions to being a homosexual.
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Postby Grunt » Mon Jun 23, 2008 7:50 am

Im starting to think he digs the abuse.

Nothing else makes sense.
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Postby Grunt » Mon Jun 23, 2008 11:25 pm

How is it with the young females, they complain because the bad girls get all the attention?

Thus, negative attention is better then no attention at all to social rejects.
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Postby Winston » Wed Jun 25, 2008 10:11 pm

From my spiritual advisor:

"Excuse me? You are NOT totally monogamous with your wife? You are not a good and faithful husband your wife??? . Then what the hell did you get married for? Sounds to me like she married a fool. A wife has every reason to expect her husband to have relations with her alone. Marriage is a sacred bond. Yes there are millions of women in this world to CHOSE from... and YOU CHOSE the one for you. Why not just stop a moment, contemplate where you are going wit your life, and get over your immature attitude on sex. It is very unhealthy on many fronts. Really Win.. go seek help, you are confused. Some day you will look back at all your foolish antics and be remorseful, if not embarrassed. Think of your beautiful son if nothing else.

Why not practice seeing your wife as a sacred Goddess. Treat her with the respect that a wife deserves. I've read your juvenile escapades for many years now and if you have yet to change your undisciplined ways then you probably deserve every smack she inflicts on you. Hey.... each person CREATES their own karma through their own thoughts and actions. Really.... unless YOU change... the way the world comes at you will not either. there are no "Victims"

Read that book I spoke of....The Disappearance of the Universe ... you may learn to change your attitude before even more bad karma befalls you. Anyway... don't you have any good models to draw on for being a decent loving husband and a loving father? Hey... it's NOT about YOU any more OK? It is about giving this child you created the BEST possible life, and the BEST example that you can. Drop all the girl chasing crap and GROW UP OK? If you don't ... I guarantee you will be sorry. And you will have no one else to blame but your own immature attitude.

Expect more of yourself... rise to a higher level of existence, and stop acting like a spiritual knuckle dragger OK? After all, you are NOT some animal... you are a human being will all the potential that that brings with it. Might I suggest you get yourself to a sex therapist and find out what is actually behind all this out of control promesquity? You need to be doing some deep self examination about NOW.... otherwise you will destroy yourself. And that would be a real waste.

I'm just contemplating your karma now and man.. it is making me cringe! Trust me there is NO NEED to change anyone else. That's not how it works. Start with yourself and others will automatically change. Of course the time frame will all depend on how much karma you have already racked up. Might I suggest patience here.

Prayers for healing all around, Faith

PS .. as to your original question... is there any way out of this cycle? Well YES of course there is BUT it will take some real effort on YOUR part. You know the definition of insanity right? To do the same thing over and over again... while expecting a DIFFERENT result.
Ever hear of The Course in Miracles? Look into it, it could be a good fit for you. The guides in the book I recommended help support that path and I perceive it to be a legitimate way to a Higher Life. God knows you need something. Don't throw this life away... don't keep digging a deeper ditch for yourself.

PS you keep complaining about loosing your freedom ... but think about this... you have NEVER been free of your lust and your fantasy world. They are the things that keep you prisoner. The monent you denounce those sicknesses of the mind you WILL know TRUE freedom.
You've got it all backwards my friend.. but your out of control ego has blinded you from this simple truth.
True happiness begins the moment you start living a PURE Life, motivated by LOVE, and not Lust. Those who discard Discipline and become prisoners of their hormones and lust end up being huge losers. It is an addiction and the sign of a week mind. You could benefit from a mentor. Some mature person who can teach you in the ways of REAL Love.
FR
PPS.. ALL great scriptures talk about the great importance of keeping GOOD company. Bad company WILL be one's downfall."
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Postby DiscoPro_Joe » Thu Jun 26, 2008 1:38 am

Wow, Winston. I'm quite appalled at the words of your spiritual advisor. He and I apparently view the world 180 degrees from each other. His words come across as very holier-than-thou, self-righteous, and arrogant.

WWu777 wrote:From my spiritual advisor:

Hey... it's NOT about YOU any more OK?


My life is all about my happiness, Dianne's life is all about her happiness, and your life is all about your happiness. Find out what makes you happy, Winston, and try to understand your needs and personal nature better. Don't try to "change" them: that will get you nowhere but the halls of empty promises, wasted time, and resentfulness. Clarify your values and consider the consequences of your actions as discussed on this thread. You might also figure out where on your list of values your son fits in. Just be sure that your value list (and especially, the value order) is in accordance with your nature and needs.

After you've done that, try to get a sense of what Dianne's needs are, too, so that you both can navigate the relationship accordingly, or break up with one another if you each discover that both your major needs are completely irreconcilable. Remember that you can still support your son either way.

Drop all the girl chasing crap.......If you don't ... I guarantee you will be sorry.


Your spiritual advisor (and myself, also) would feel deeply sorry if either he or I took part in sexual cheating or promiscuity, because that's how his and my personal natures are. But your spiritual advisor isn't like you, Winston; he doesn't know your needs (and resulting feelings) as well as you do. That's the real disconnect here in his well-meaning but misguided message to you. He's trying to project his own personal nature onto you.

I'm just contemplating your karma now and man.. it is making me cringe!


As I said earlier on this thread...not everyone will like you, and some people will criticize you for your lifestyle. But that's the price we all pay to be ourselves and find happiness. It's time to match your identity and dreams with your deeds and actions.

...to change anyone else. That's not how it works. Start with yourself and others will automatically change.


Winston, didn't you already try doing that years ago when living in the U.S.? Didn't you try to "change yourself" to fit what Americans supposedly wanted you to be? You remember the disappointing results of that effort, don't you?

You know the definition of insanity right? To do the same thing over and over again... while expecting a DIFFERENT result.


Brilliant.

...your lust and your fantasy world. They are the things that keep you prisoner.


Not if you deal with that lust and fantasy in a constructive way that makes your life better in the long run, rather than worse. Here's an example: let's look at the ultra-strong feeling of revenge. Did you know that peaceful and honest success is the greatest revenge that a person can ever relish? Basically, you can deal with those feelings in a constructive way, or destructively. Just be sure to choose the former.

The monent you denounce those sicknesses of the mind you WILL know TRUE freedom.


Nope. Trying to make your feelings conform to a standard, trying to suppress them, or especially denying that you even have them will make you an immense prisoner of your own device! For instance, awhile I tried to pretend that the burnout from my last job didn't exist, and it totally bit me in the butt eventually.

True freedom??? Oh, the irony.

Those who discard Discipline and become prisoners of their hormones and lust end up being huge losers.


That is, if it's dealt with in a destructive way, rather than constructively. And denying those feelings gets you nowhere.

Well anyway, Winston, that's my two cents on all that...at least. :?
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Postby Winston » Thu Jun 26, 2008 6:07 pm

Discoprojoe,
How do you propose that one deal with lust constructively? Can you give an example? I see no constructive way to deal with it. Do you mean by masturbating? By watching porn? Or what?

I showed your post to my spiritual advisor, and here is HER response (it's a she, not a he).

-------------------------------------------

Joe: My life is all about my happiness, Dianne's life is all about her happiness, and your life is all about your happiness. Find out what makes you happy, Winston, and try to understand your needs and personal nature better. Don't try to "change" them: that will get you nowhere but the halls of empty promises, wasted time, and resentfulness. Clarify your values and consider the consequences of your actions as discussed on this thread. You might also figure out where on your list of values your son fits in. Just be sure that your value list (and especially, the value order) is in accordance with your nature and needs.

FR: Win, Joe has some good advice, I would just like to point out that we are addressing somewhat different aspects of reality here. The Ego DOES want to be Happy... as opposed to Sad, of course. However that is a dualistic perspective which keeps one locked in the play of happy/sad A play in which eventual suffering is assured. It is how this dualistic world is set up.

What I have been discussing with you.. for years now ... is a very different way of looking at the world in general. The truth is, this world with its play of opposites is a trap of the mind. But there is a better way. We can find that way the moment we DROP our self centered approach .. Me vs THEM and REALIZE that there is no "THEM" at all... that everyone here is nothing but a reflection of our own self.
Granted this is a rare perspective, still .... the moment our ego can drop its own selfish concerns ( What about ME???) and learn to be Self-LESS.... that is the moment TRUE Liberation takes place. It is not, as Joe suggests .. that we give up something so that someone else can benefit. It is that we give up the desires of our "small self" so that WE can benefit. Big difference yes?


Temporary happiness is NOT real freedom. Freedom is when we are no longer attached to our desires. We are able to truly enjoy wealth, sex, everything.... from a much higher perspective. IT is only by giving up our ATTACHMENTS to things that we are able to access true Joy.

We have discussed this topic at length.. that NOTHING here is what it appears to be. And I suspect you have had glimspes of this truth, and still you allow your quest for mundane happiness to bring you down. You keep looking OUT THERE.. but there is nothing OUT THERE, your ownBliss is already attained.. WITHIN. All you need to do is LOOK WITHIN, but the senses keep robbing you, they keep you fully engaged in this play of life... keep you chasing after rainbows that disintegrate in your hands. Do you really think that running around trying to bang every chick in town is going to bring you true happiness? Bring you FREEDOM? If that were so then The Buddha would have given everyone viagra LOL. No... FIRST one needs to go within and discover what True happiness is. It does NOT depend on anything on the "outside"... on whether you have 10 dancing beauties or none at all.

So... if you just want to be happy... which WILL be followed by sorrow... since that is the way of this world.. then fine, go chase after happiness. Stay in the ways of this world. But if you want TRUE FREEDOM.. if you want TRUE Liberation.. then you NEED to do something differently than you have been doing. The choice my friend is YOURS but you are going to have to make a choice.


FR:
Quote:
...to change anyone else. That's not how it works. Start with yourself and others will automatically change.


Joe: Winston, didn't you already try doing that years ago when living in the U.S.? Didn't you try to "change yourself" to fit what Americans supposedly wanted you to be? You remember the disappointing results of that effort, don't you?

FR *** Just a note here... One should never CHANGE to fit someone else's perception of reality. or to "Try and fit in" There is nothing we need to FIT in to! That is not at all what I meant by change. It is only when we are able to have a shift in awareness... of what we truly are, that our own eternal Joy can be recognized.

Quote:
...your lust and your fantasy world. They are the things that keep you prisoner.

Joe:
Not if you deal with that lust and fantasy in a constructive way that makes your life better in the long run, rather than worse. Here's an example: let's look at the ultra-strong feeling of revenge. Did you know that peaceful and honest success is the greatest revenge that a person can ever relish? Basically, you can deal with those feelings in a constructive way, or destructively. Just be sure to choose the former.

FR: Well YES... that IS the point isn't it. To address our challenges and deal with them in APPROPRIATE ways.

Quote:
The monent you denounce those sicknesses of the mind you WILL know TRUE freedom.


Joe:
Nope. Trying to make your feelings conform to a standard, trying to suppress them, or especially denying that you even have them will make you an immense prisoner of your own device! For instance, awhile I tried to pretend that the burnout from my last job didn't exist, and it totally bit me in the butt eventually.

FR: Perhaps there was a better way to state that. Certainly it is not about suppressing anything. It is about releasing the hold that this perceived reality has over you.

Joe True freedom??? Oh, the irony.

FR: HOw so? I suspect Joe, that we are referencing two differnet perspectives here. For myself True Freedom is when we are able to move BEYOND all the ideas of the finite mind with all those forms of opposites, to grasp that we are already totally FREE. There is nothing to do but REALIZE what we already are. Perfect LOVE... totally complete and not in NEED of anything outside of ourselves. We ARE Joy!
This is the Non Dual Perspective ... one that is revealed instead of intellectualized. Quite esoteric and so often misunderstood.


FR
Quote:
Those who discard Discipline and become prisoners of their hormones and lust end up being huge losers.


Joe That is, if it's dealt with in a destructive way, rather than constructively. And denying those feelings gets you nowhere.

Well anyway, Winston, that's my two cents on all that...at least. Confused

FR: Dear Joe... Trust me... denial is NOT part of my vocabulary LOL that is just more of the dualistic trap. You are correct.. denial is foolish and gets one nowhere. Be assured.... that is not what I am suggest here AT ALL.

Peace, FR
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Postby fschmidt » Fri Jun 27, 2008 7:34 am

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Last edited by fschmidt on Sat Jun 28, 2008 7:50 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Erasmus » Sat Jun 28, 2008 2:38 am

WWu, I have a question. How long did you know Dianne before you impregnated her? And in your opinion, why was she still single at the age you met her?
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Postby Winston » Sat Jun 28, 2008 6:39 am

Erasmus wrote:WWu, I have a question. How long did you know Dianne before you impregnated her? And in your opinion, why was she still single at the age you met her?


W: A few months I think. A part of me also was scared I'd go for the rest of my life with no children, which I didn't want either, so I panicked in that regard, and sort of felt in a rush to have a baby.

I don't know why she was single at the time I met her. But she isn't the type of girl who just dates any foreigner just cause he's rich or good looking. She had many suitors among Filipino men and foreigners, but if she doesn't feel it for them, then she doesn't feel it. Simple as that. When she met me, she just felt something special. It's subjective I guess. Or some people are picky in that way. If you ask her, she will just say "I don't know. It just happened that way."

To fschmidt: What's wrong with having a female advisor? Some females are wise too you know. This one happens to be very spiritual, evolved, and fascinating. I've been corresponding with her for years. You shouldn't prejudge, but let things be what they are, and be open to the possibilities and also understand that there are always exceptions to every general rule.
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Postby DiscoPro_Joe » Wed Jul 02, 2008 7:47 am

Sorry for the delayed reply, Winston. I've had.......uh..........just a bit..........uh.............little itsy-bitsy teeny-tiny tad-bit more..........uh..........EXCITING...........uh...........concerns on my mind these last 6 days or so. (See the General Discussions forum for more details.) 8)


How do you propose that one deal with lust constructively? Can you give an example? I see no constructive way to deal with it. Do you mean by masturbating? By watching porn? Or what?


That's a good question. Masturbating would be one option. But you could also envision those other women in your mind (for just a few seconds) during intercourse with your wife. I don't think watching porn would be very constructive or helpful. (But then again, porn has always grossed me out, anyway.)

I showed your post to my spiritual advisor, and here is HER response (it's a she, not a he).


Oops, my mistake. In the past when mentioning your spiritual advisor, I don't remember you ever using the word "she." Oh well....

We can find that way the moment we DROP our self centered approach .. Me vs THEM and REALIZE that there is no "THEM" at all... It is not, as Joe suggests .. that we give up something so that someone else can benefit. It is that we give up the desires of our "small self" so that WE can benefit. Big difference yes?


An enlightened individualist does not approach the world from a "me vs. you," "us vs. them," nor a "win-lose" perspective (with the exception of sports and games, of course). An intelligent person instead embraces life from a win-win angle. That is, s/he looks for mutually-beneficial exchanges with others. And those exchanges often times don't involve money or tangible items.

One person's gain should equal another's gain, too. If not, then they should figure out how to make it so, or they should simply not enter into the exchange.

Now if someone cheats or commits fraud, physical force, or damages to another's property or physical well-being, then the aggressor should be made to fairly compensate the victim. But in that situation, you have a "lose-lose" scenario.

Temporary happiness is NOT real freedom. Freedom is when we are no longer attached to our desires. We are able to truly enjoy wealth, sex, everything.... from a much higher perspective. IT is only by giving up our ATTACHMENTS to things that we are able to access true Joy.


You shouldn't allow your mind to try to consciously "tell you" what you should feel, but at the same time, you also shouldn't allow your feelings to make important decisions for you. Let your mind make the important choices in life, and designate your feelings as results of those choices (and to a lesser extent...results of your thoughts).

FR *** Just a note here... One should never CHANGE to fit someone else's perception of reality. or to "Try and fit in" There is nothing we need to FIT in to! That is not at all what I meant by change. It is only when we are able to have a shift in awareness... of what we truly are, that our own eternal Joy can be recognized.


Sorry for the misunderstanding. I totally agree with you here! :D
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