"You Must Be As Wide As This Sign"...
just now!
Came across this: two girls using the same ad! I'm thinking they got it from Cosmo or someplace. On the one hand it's pretty smart, cuts to the chase and sets some standards. On the other hand, it's got "Entitlement Queen" written all over it. So I'd suggest clicking elsewhere. Your mileage may vary.
(Bold print: My edits)
Part A
1) You must be born male. Sorry, no trannies. (Aw, c'mon, give a she-male a chance! Our synthetic dicks are HUGE!)
2) You must own something to wear to a formal reception. (Formal Receptions! Yayyy! Will SLAYER be playing?)
3) You must not own or ever wear birkenstocks, crocs footwear or randy river jeans. (Damn!)
4) All your parts need to be in good working order, further testing will need to be conducted of course. (Yours too, ma'am)
5) I can't accept a regular drug user. (In my experience, not a whole lot of drug users cop to it in their personal ads)
6) You must own at least four collared dress shirts. You need to look presentable standing next to me.
7) Your height must be proportional to your weight using the standard AMA guidelines.
You must have a photo which was taken in the last 3 months.9) English must be your first language. Sorry, I'm not a part-time ESL teacher. ("Excuse me, stewardess. I speak Jive, perhaps I can be of help?")
If you meet all of the requirements above then you may continue, if not, then you are now dismissed but thank you.
Now: give yourself two points for each of the following criteria you meet
Part B
1) You have (or are working on) a post secondary degree.
2) You own a car and have a valid driver's license. Suspended for DUIs: minus 10 points.
3) You've never worn Ed Hardy, Affliction or any other Christian Audigier affiliated brand. (That wipes out about 60% of guys in general, these days)
4) You follow at least one professional sport. (This is interesting...why 'at least one'? And why not a specific sport? Is it to fit in? I didn't think girls went for armchair quarterbacks, but I could be wrong.)
5) You have skills in bed. Not because you think you do, because your past experiences have told you. (This is a bit encouraging as it means she's got sex at least somewhere on the brain.)
6) You are not a born again Christian, Jehovah's Witness or any other kind of religious fanatic. (Y'all stay AWAY from those wicked CITY WOMEN, Cousin Abner! 'Member the story of Jezebel!)
7) You have been to at least three countries outside of North America. (Again, interesting. This is an asset, not a requirement. But why? Not everyone can afford to visit 3 countries, or wants to. And those that do often end up marrying foreign women.)
You don't need to call a handy man if something breaks around the house. (OK, but don't break anything, then. It's a good thing duct tape fixes everything.)9) You know how to cook a meal for two. (True. Guys, learn one recipe at least.)
10) You like stepping out of your bubble and trying new things like cuisine or bungee jumping. (Why do girls say these things but still freak out at the thought of a three-way?)
11) You can make it through a romantic comedy without complaining (we don't have to tell your friends). (Quid Pro Quo! Make it through Predator 3 without complaining.)
12) You have a great sense of humour. Are people laughing with you, or at you? (There once was a man from Nantucket...)
13) You can plan a good date without any help or advice from me. "I don't know, what do you want to do" isn't an answer. (This is a given. But beware if you ALWAYS end up having to plan the dates.)
14) You work out and enjoy being physically active. (True.)
15) You have a job that requires more than a high school diploma. (Right now, you ought to shorten that to "You have a job".)
16) You do not own or ride a donorcycle. (What dat is?)
17) You have a 5 year goal. (True. However, I noted that neither of these girls listed their own goals.)
18) You aren't afraid of being yourself, even if you have a dorky side. (If someone's afraid to be themselves (?) they're probably not up to reading the personals yet either)
19) You're competitive, and I don't mean you like to battle it out with your WoW buddies on the weekends. (??? You want us to compete with who, for what? And why? These are the girls who are attracted to 'go-getters' initially but then complain they're 'control freaks' when they marry them.)
20) You know how to dance. (Do The Whiteboy! UH! GO WHITEBOY, GO WHITEBOY...)
If you have a score of 30+ then please contact me immediately. If you scored between 20-30 pts, you can contact me, but I don't have a lot of hope for our future relationship. If you did not score high enough, then please do not contact me, but if at some time in the future you are able to improve yourself and meet the minimum requirements, then you may re-apply.
I thank you in advance for your application, however, only successful candidates will receive a response.
You're welcome in advance. Have fun with your 17 cats...
OK guys, let's write the male version of this...