Is being alone the only way to true peace and freedom without interference?

[Winston]

I have a question. Even though I consciously like people and like to socialize, I find myself more and more preferring to spend time alone. I don't know why. It's like my conscious wishes and natural inclination are at odds with each other.

So I got to meditating on this, and now I think I might know why I feel this way.

Basically, it's like this: Other people are emotionally taxing and make you feel vulnerable. They drain you, criticize you, judge you, make you feel pressure to act a certain way, give you a feeling of vulnerability, etc. They greatly complicate your life and compromise your peace of mind. Sure, other people may bring you happiness, joy, pleasure, companionship and fun, however, they also bring you pain, sorrow, worry, disappointment, frustration, attachment and rejection as well. So these "ups and downs" of being around others makes you feel like you aren't really in control, as if you are always at the mercy of others. You know what I mean?

Why do I feel this way? Have any of you felt this way before? If so, has it made you feel like spending more time alone with the distraction of others? Obviously, it's taboo and uncool to feel this way, I know. But it does seem like the deeper of a person you become, the more apt you are to feel this way. Why is that?

Are people who feel this way, like I do, too self-absorbed and selfish because we don't like to compromise who we are by being around others? Or is it a matter of being an introvert? Is there anything wrong with feeling this way?

Conventional psychology would probably say that those who feel this way have some kind of mental disorder. But would that be true? Isn't that just a convenient label to attach to people who don't conform?

Why is it that an average person and typical conformist usually will feel empty without others or some group to conform to, whereas people like me feel emotionally taxed and compromised around others, as if our peace is disturbed?

Why is it that most people will never go to a restaurant, theater, concert or public event alone without company, lest they feel like a loser? I don't understand the logic behind this attitude. Have any of you out there ever been to a restaurant or theater alone before? I have and don't understand the problem with it. I don't get why it's so abnormal and taboo.

This is not just about social interaction. The mere presence of strangers out in public can be emotionally taxing as well, even in a supermarket or mall, because in public you always feel pressured to behave a certain socially acceptable way, even around strangers. Not that it's too difficult to behave around others, but rather, the mere presence of this pressure feels intimidating and emotionally/spiritually taxing. Also, out in public, there is this sense that other people are silently judging and evaluating you, even if they aren't talking to you.

Moreover, the energy vibe of masses of people around you can make you feel strange too, especially if you are a nonconformist amidst masses of conformists around you who are materialistic, judgmental and operate on a different vibe/frequency that you do. This is kind of hard to explain, but do you know what I mean?

Is there something wrong with me? Why do I feel this way?

I would surmise that I am more likely to feel this way when I am in a culture or environment I'm not compatible with, rather than one that I feel more compatible with. I would guess that around like minded people, I would feel like being a hermit. This makes sense, since after all, people who are different than you or on a different wavelength, are not going to make you feel validated, but quite the opposite. What do you think?

The more deep you become, it seems, the more you realize something: When you are alone, there is this GREAT PEACE and TRANQUILITY you can NEVER have while you are around others, including a significant other, and especially around those who are different than you. You also feel more in control of things without others to interfere or complicate things or compromise yourself.

Could this be why some misfits, nonconformists and freethinkers become hermits? And artists and composers too?

Could this explain why the genius chess champion Bobby Fischer, became a hermit after winning the world chess championship in 1972?

Is there anyone out there who can relate to how I feel? If so, how do you balance your need to be alone vs. your social needs for others? Do you choose one or the other? How can you have both when they seem mutually exclusive? It seems like a negative choice, a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" kind of thing - either you are lonely or you are emotionally taxed and compromised by others. Is there any solution to this?

Now, I know that most content on the web is very superficial and lighthearted, so I apologize if all this sounds too weird or deep compared to most public content out there. But I am just trying to understand why I feel the way I do. If you are not a deep person, you may not understand how I feel and find it kind of weird. If so, then this question is obviously not for you.

[Mr S]

I prefer being alone and introspective most of the time, I don't see anything wrong with it. Now, general society might label you one way or another but most of the great thinkers and doers in life are more introverted and introspective in their everyday activities. It's not to say I don't know how to socialize or interact with people in a normal way if I wish, but I do prefer my own company for the most part. If I am with someone else usually they will have a similar personality as me. So most of the women I've gotten along with had similar personalities as myself and we would give each other space when needed, and we saw this as normal. I can't be with someone who is needy and an extreme extrovert, it would drive me crazy. Introverts only make up around 25% of the population so that's why we tend to get labeled as having abnormal social behaviors.

[Winston]

Same here Mr S.

But are the reasons you like to be alone much of the time, the same reasons that I elaborated on above? Or do you have other reasons?

[Jackal]

I know what you mean, Winston. I like being around people, but I also need time to "recharge" after I spend a lot of time around others. I guess it's a factor of your own "social endurance." Some people are "marathon socializers" and can stay extremely social for countless hours on end, but others, like many of us, prefer to balance socializing with recharging while alone.

Certain types of meditation help with this, such a various lojong meditations, such as tonglen. These help to make you feel more independent from your emotions and to see them as less important and illusory. If you don't train yourself this way, then there's little hope because you'll always be at the mercy of others: someone praises you and you automatically feel great bliss and then someone criticizes you and you automatically get sad and angry. These sort of meditations make you less sensitive to these things and also make you see the value of all living creatures--even the stupid assholes! lol

You often can't control what happens to you, but you can control how you react to these things. If your peace of mind is really deep and stable, it can't be upset easily by outer things. Meditation is my armor which shields me from many types of wordly suffering. Of course, I'm not perfect, but I can put up with a lot more than I used to be able to.

So the main point is that it's much easier to find peace when you're alone, but with regular training, you can find peace most of the time, even when you're not alone. Just like it's easier to swim alone in a swimming pool, but if you're a strong swimmer, you can even swim against the current in the ocean.

[PeterAndrewNolan]

Winston,
all this is is that you have not learned the skill of being at peace....just being.

When I was doing the Landmark Advanced Class there is an exercise called "Being with".....it is where you stand in front of another person and just be with them.....you quiet the voice in your head and "be with" another person....I thought I do this fine...but it turned into a rather terrifying experience...I almost peed my pants!! LOL!!! I had never had the experience of just "being with" before.

Of course, like most things, I mastered it as a skill and now I can be with anyone I choose at any time I choose. People actually find this a bit "spooky". I have had many people tell me "you are the first person I have ever met in my life that I feel is really listening to me and really interested in me and what I am thinking and what I am saying".....most people are interested in themselves and while the other person is talking is actually thinking about the response they are going to formulate and so are not listening to the other person.

When you just be with another person and listen to them with all your being you can be very much at peace in the largest of crowds.

Pretty much every woman I date comments that no man has ever listened to her and was so "available and open" to her....some are actually quite put off by it while others really like it.

So I can be just as much at peace in the middle of a large crowd and a lot of noise with someone else as I can home by myself....

It is just one more skill to master if you wish to master it.

[Winston]

Here are some great responses I received on ATS to this topic. Some of them are similar to what Jackal said. The one about me being an empath is so true.

http://www.abovetopsecret.com/forum/thread861105/pg1

"You allow others to disturb your peace, you don't have to 'read' others emotions or react to whatever they are saying (even nonverbally) in the way you do. Draw your attention on yourself and start reading your own reactions and make those more important than what you perceive in others.

The social pressure exists in your own head which means you can change your mind and brain to end it, no one but you just as only I can change my brain and the way I see things and react to them. That social pressure might exist in other people's heads too, even a majority but that doesn't mean it has to be in yours.

You can shut them out and be completely at peace and silent in public places. It's just a matter of getting in control. Instead of having to be in a physical place without people to convince the mind to stop translating others and have peace of mind, this mechanism can be turned on and off at will, just as one opens and closes a door to a crowded room.

Some people might react strangely and even try harder to evoke emotional responses but as long as you stay friendly, don't tell anyone and respond as if you don't know what the other is talking about or pointing at, no one will know. "

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"Detaching yourself from rest of the world is how you attain peace, but that does not make you "alone", you are connect all the time, everyone, every life when you attain true peace. "

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"Even when you are alone and feel lonly you are truely never alone. You are a part of everything (a physical universe) and it would not be itself if you where not part of it. Other people egos limits your freedom and that can be a pain somtimes. Also being helpful and fixing all the constant small problems that you need to fix to make everything work smoother is both interesting but extreamly draining. I am a person that relax when I can ponder lifes mysteries and think of ideas on how everything really works.

I will not really have the life my ego really wants with a loving soulmate and a few kids. You cannot always get what you want but you can get what you need.

Do not push yourself to much to fit in. From my point of view being introvert is a sign of understanding to much and seeing thru things that other people do not notice. I became introvert because the world was not what it was supposed to be and I just did not care to play the games. The funny thing is that today the people around me understand this but they where totaly blind 20 years ago. "

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"Well, to answer the title of your thread, I will say this: many people who claim to have found peace have done so through extensive meditation and introspection. So, technically, peace can only be found while alone.

That said, I'm right there with you - I don't like being around people very much at all. They talk too much, and interrupt my thoughts. I think too much and don't talk enough (well, according to other people, anyway).

I would, gladly, be a hermit. I only have one friend, and I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. I don't care about "the night life" or "fitting in" and I don't think twice about going somewhere on my own. The fact of the matter is, I know what I want to do and I've got little time to deal with other people's emotional responses to every single thing.

Now, some would say I'm cold and heartless. Maybe they're right. Or, maybe, they just can't understand what it's like to be an empath. I think you, WWu777, are empathic. This is not to say that you feel everything other people feel, but you understand everything other people feel. And, you always have. This is why it is emotionally and mentally and even physically taxing on you to be around other people.

The good news is that you can learn how to control it. You can shut off that part of your brain that "hears" other people all the time. Just learn to be you, instead of being present with them.

Someone else already posted that the pressure you are feeling is false. This is true. It is pressure you are creating because you are uncomfortable - you see their insecurity, and you project it toward yourself instead of at them. They are insecure inside, and so will judge others who happen to be nearby. There's nothing you can do about this other than to not care.

I know it's hard not to care. But, you've got to learn to see that other people's superficial attitudes and behaviors are just that - false. You can see through their masks. You do not wear the same mask. So, don't pretend to! Be who you are and don't worry about anyone else!

If you like to be alone, be alone. If you feel like being social, be social. Just do what feels right to you, nobody else knows you like you do.

Live free. "

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"You feel this way because you are likely extremely introverted. If you were extroverted you would feel exactly the opposite. Introverts draw their energy from within and do not like the outside world to "rock their boat" while extroverts draw energy from others. There is no right or wrong to being an I or an E, it just explains the differences. Take the Myers-Briggs survey some time, you'll learn a lot about yourself and you will be surprised at how accurately it describes your behavior, likes and dislikes based on your personality type. "

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"I think your general understanding is becoming more and more common as more people start to see what we're really doing to ourselves. Especially with how we think and look at each other before we ever get to any physical interactions.

The only thing I feel it is overlooking is this: There is great peace when alone. There is great opportunity when together.

Both are valuable, though I understand it being hard to find opportunity worth pursuing in the current environment. I feel good about where we're going... feels more like holding on during a rough storm than a permanent situation.

If you were able to go out into an environment where you were confident everyone there was looking at each other without judgement but compassion and interest it would be an entirely different thing and you'd probably find it hard to want to stay alone except to physically recharge. "

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"I totally understand how you feel as i am a rabid introvert and always have been.
It has steadily gotten worse over the years as I have become more spiritually aware.
The more questions I get answers to the more it isolates me from the rest of humanity.

However,!!!!!!!!

Without others,
we have no way to give because we have no one to give TO.
And isn't that the whole point of life in the first place?
To give freely of ourselves to eachother.

Hard to do when you're always alone.

In short,
You and I are cheating others by not being available to them and
we are also cheating ourselves by refusing the opportunity for our own spiritual growth thru giving.

So, there must be balance.
Kind of cliche' I know but you'll see, it's true."

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"Since no one has brought it up, why do you think "they" keep us all inundated with finding a partner and being made to feel "lesser than" if you're not on the hunt for one - M & F alike.

Divorce was turned into a huge make-rich scheme - anyone who has paid a divorce lawyer bill I think would attest to that... with what is it-- a 60% divorce rate now? I don't know, but it seems to be a booming business along with the rest of the wedding/divorce festivities/litigation.

Why wouldn't business and gov't want us engrossed in togetherness, and ads be painted full of sunshine when you're with that special one?

I've seen discounts for families (family rate) and children's rates, but I've never seen a "single person who's paying full shot for everything" rates.
Not to stray off-topic, but single life is not generally promoted or advertised as being a swell life...

Did you ever consider another reason we may be made to feel like we are possibly feeling at odds if we feel and do better being alone? Relationships can be/are a huge distraction.

One day while channel surfing I caught Liz Taylor in a scene from Cleopatra where she said "When you fall in love you lose (site of? ed.) who you really are".

The irony of Liz saying it is noted; she was a good actress.

Scads of valuable time and energy spent on a significant other, no matter for how long they are one. From what I have seen and lived, I know I get a lot more accomplished physically, spiritually and mentally when I'm alone. More at peace.
Different for everyone. Just thoughts. "

[Winston]

Question for you all:

When you go out to a restaurant or public place alone, and you see everyone else there in groups with other people, does that make you feel like a loser? Do you worry that others are wondering why you're alone there while everyone else is with others?

Btw, isn't what Liz Taylor said in Cleopatra so true?

One day while channel surfing I caught Liz Taylor in a scene from Cleopatra where she said "When you fall in love you lose (site of? ed.) who you really are".

[samurai_panda]

I love spending time alone. Sometimes you need it to think and reflect clearly.

But we are social animals. We do NEED human contact. I cannot live forever without the touch and smell of a beautiful woman. It makes me feel alive inside.

Don't let anyone pressure you to be something you're not. Be yourself and honest always. Stand up for what you believe in. It's noble and just.

In the sea of chaos and confusion, a lone wandering samurai called Chuck Norris kicks everyone's ass.

[lavezzi]

The way I see it, all insecurity stems from a fear of being alone. We desire praise and fear ridicule as these things determine our perception of how others view us, which only has power over us if we feel a need for acceptance. This need for acceptance is really our basic human need for contact and interaction with others, only the way in which modern societies are structured has ingrained a social hierarchy by which we evaluate eachother, causing insecurity among people. The more wealth and structure within a society it seems, the more this social hierarchy is prevalent.

Social interaction is like a drug. If you have a lot of it, you will be satisfied. If you have some but not enough of it to satisfy you, you will suffer from craving in the form of loneliness. But, if you completely isolate yourself for an extended period of time (go "cold turkey") you can reach a point where you acquire an obscure, carefree nature which feels blissful and powerful. Then and only then can you not care what others say or think of you, as you've lost the addiction of social acceptance and no longer fear when or if you're getting your next hit.

[Winston]

Lavezzi,
When did your spiritual awakening take place? How did it happen? You are like a totally different person now than when you first joined the forum.

This is response to me is so wise and deep:

http://www.davidicke.com/forum/showpost ... stcount=25

"Everything you say here is true and whereas before you always followed your conscious inclinations the inner you is prompting you to listen to how you feel. I'd say do what you feel moved to do and what feels natural but not, necessarily, "normal".

Some changes are painful. When the spirit begins to outgrow the human shell and it's confines it can be very disconcerting and lonely. It means you've come a long way along the path of spiritual evolution. Look at how all previous spiritual leaders were vilified by the very people they were trying to help...what makes sense to those who are spiritually evolved will not make any sense to those who are not.

Most people are terrified of being confronted with who they are and would run a million miles away if they could. They use those distractions to run away because they are so fearful of being alone with themselves. They have learned to hate what you have learned to love; so separation and loneliness is the inevitable consequence. You're just struggling to come to terms with the massive change that has been wrought in you and coming to realise that you must say goodbye to the past and move forward into a new and, hopefully, better future.

You are trying to remain true to yourself which is very difficult in this day and age when we are surrounded by so much materialism and false values. There's a great deal to be said for authenticity."

http://www.davidicke.com/forum/showpost ... stcount=28

Is being alone the only way to true peace?

A simple Yes!

Nothing to add nothing to argue about....

You maybe alone; but never lonely once you found your true self.

In my case I don't like People & I search for Humans only ....... its like finding a pearl in the ocean .... Trust Me!

Its very important to understand the difference between People & Human.

Once you know yourself & someone says to you that you are "selfish" .... your answer will be "selfish" is good for me & why would you worry if you don't expect something from me.

Who is number One in your life ...... If you not happy no one around you will be happy.
Those friends which need you; are friends you don't need.

[Winston]

http://www.oshoquotes.net/2009/12/osho- ... riendship/

Osho Quotes on Friendship

1) Friendship is possible between equal human beings, totally free from all bondage of society, culture, civilization, only living true to their authentic nature.

2) Only individuals can relate; personalities cannot. Personalities are like shadows. They cannot meet, they cannot merge, because they don’t exist. Personalities are fake. That’s why in the whole world people are talking of love, but there is no love. They are talking of friendship, but there is no friendship — even talking of trust. But for that a tremendously powerful individuality is needed. Personalities cannot trust; they are always afraid — afraid that their reality may be exposed, may be known.

3) Friendship can turn into enmity, and enmity can become friendship. You all know — happiness can turn into sadness, and sadness can change into happiness. Although they are polar opposites, they are almost like twins, very close. Just a slight change in circumstances and one disappears …the other was just behind it. So remember the transcendent — existence belongs to the transcendental. Don’t divide it; otherwise you will be continuously tortured by the duality.

4) In this ambitious world, friendship cannot bloom, love is almost impossible, compassion cannot exist. We have created such an ugly mess, and the root is that we think that there is something to achieve.

5) A man who seeks friendship, love, companionship, out of loneliness is not going to find it. In fact, with whomsoever he will associate he will feel cheated and he will make the other feel cheated. He will feel tired and bored, and he will make the other feel tired and bored. He will feel sucked and he will make the other feel sucked, because both will be sucking on each other’s energies. And they don’t have much in the first place. Their streams are running very thin; they are like summer streams in a desertland. You cannot take any water out of them. But if you seek friendship and love and companionship out of aloneness, you are a flooded river, a river in the rains. You can share as much as you want. And the more you share, the more you will have.

6) The proverb is: A friend in need is a friend indeed. But deep down that is greed! That is not friendship, that is not love. You want to use the other as a means, and no man is a means, every man is an end unto himself. Why are you so worried about who is a real friend?

7) The real question has to be: Am I friendly to people? Do you know what friendship is? It is the highest form of love. In love, some lust is bound to be there; in friendship, all lust disappears. In friendship nothing gross remains; it becomes absolutely subtle.

Friendship is absolutely human. It has something for which there is no inbuilt mechanism in your biology; it is nonbiological. Hence one rises in friendship, one does not fall in friendship. It has a spiritual dimension.

9) Friendship becomes a relationship, fixed; friendliness is more flowing, more fluid. Friendship is a relationship, friendliness is a state of your being. You are simply friendly; to whom, that is not the point. If you are standing by the side of a tree you are friendly to the tree, or if you are sitting on the rock, you are friendly to the rock. To human beings, to animals, to birds, you are simply friendly. It is not something static; it is a flow, changing moment to moment.

10) Friendship is so valuable that whatsoever the consequence, remain friends even with your wife, even with your husband, and allow absolute and total freedom to each other.

11) Create more friends, and as your friendship goes deeper into different dimensions, you will find yourself becoming richer and richer; your own heights will start reaching Everest, your own depths will start reaching the Pacific.

12) EVERYBODY is your enemy! Even those who are your friends are your enemies, because they are also fighting for the first place as you are fighting. How can you be friendly? With the ego there is no possibility of friendship. Then friendship is just a mask. The real nature of life is that of the jungle: the big fish goes on eating the small fish. Even if you pretend to be friendly, that is just show, strategy, diplomacy. Nobody can be a friend here unless the ego disappears. Once the ego disappears the whole life has a quality of friendship, of love. Then you are friendly, simply friendly — and to everybody, because there is no problem. You are not trying to be the first, so you are not more a competitor. This is real dropping out.

http://oshoonline.blogspot.com/2010/02/ ... -osho.html

Q: Beloved Master,

I have many friends, but the question: who is a real friend? This always arises in my mind. Will you say something about it?

Satyam, you are asking from the wrong end. Never ask, "Who is my real friend?" Ask, "Am I a real friend to somebody?" That is the right question. Why are you worried about others - whether they are friends to you or not?

The proverb is: A friend in need is a friend indeed.But deep down that is greed! That is not friendship, that is not love. You want to use the other as a means, and no man is a means, every man is an end unto himself. Why are you so worried about who is a real friend?

A young honeymoon couple were touring Southern Florida. They stopped at a rattlesnake farm along the road. After seeing the sights they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
"Gosh!" exclaimed the young bride, "You certainly have a dangerous job! Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
"Yes, I do," answered the handler.

"Well", she insisted, "just what do you do when you are bitten by a snake?

"I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten I make a deep, criss-cross mark across the fang wound and then suck the poison from the wound."

"What? Ah! what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?" persisted the bride.

"Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are!"

Why are you worried?

The real question has to be: Am I friendly to people? Do yo know what friendship is? It is the highest form of love. In love, some lust is bound to be there; in friendship, all lust disappears. In friendship nothing gross remains, it becomes absolutely subtle.

It is not the question of using the other, it is not even a question of needing the other, it is a question of sharing. You have too much, and you would like to share. And whosoever is ready to share your joy with you, your dance, your song, you will be grateful to him, you will feel obliged. Not that he'/she is obliged to you, not that he should be thankful to you because you have given so much to him. A friend never thinks in that way. A friend always feels grateful to those people who allow him to love them, to give them whatsoever he has got.

[lavezzi]

Lavezzi,
When did your spiritual awakening take place? How did it happen? You are like a totally different person now than when you first joined the forum.

It happened to me two months ago. Did you not see the thread I started about it?:

viewtopic.php?t=14087

It peaked for 3 weeks but has since since died down significantly. Out of it though, I got to fulfill my goal and dream of having an Asian girlfriend, so I'm happy with that even if it's an unnecessary attachment.

[Winston]

Lavezzi,
When did your spiritual awakening take place? How did it happen? You are like a totally different person now than when you first joined the forum.

It happened to me two months ago. Did you not see the thread I started about it?:

viewtopic.php?t=14087

It peaked for 3 weeks but has since since died down significantly. Out of it though, I got to fulfill my goal and dream of having an Asian girlfriend, so I'm happy with that even if it's an unnecessary attachment.

No. But I see it now. I can't follow every thread here.

So what was the trigger or catalyst? Usually there is an "aha" moment. It usually comes during a state of pain. But it looks like you were spared from that, so you were lucky.

How did the Asian girlfriend come from it?

I posted some free books for you to download and recommendations, in that thread here:
viewtopic.php?p=89400#89400

[PeterAndrewNolan]

Question for you all:

When you go out to a restaurant or public place alone, and you see everyone else there in groups with other people, does that make you feel like a loser? Do you worry that others are wondering why you're alone there while everyone else is with others?

I have eaten alone all over the world due to my work. I have no problem with it. In english culture restaurants the staff look at you like a "loser". In non englaish background restautants...asian, italian, greek etc...they treat you quite fine. I think I said this elsewhere here.

[jamesbond]

Question for you all:

When you go out to a restaurant or public place alone, and you see everyone else there in groups with other people, does that make you feel like a loser? Do you worry that others are wondering why you're alone there while everyone else is with others?

I used to eat out at restaurants by myself quite a bit years ago but not anymore. It made me feel like a loser because everyone else was with other people, I was the only one there by myself.

One time I went and saw a movie by myself and I will never do it again. Everyone in the movie theater had either their husband or wife with them or their boyfriend or girlfriend with them.

I won't even step into a bar or club myself, it's an intimidating environment going with your friends, going by yourself REALLY makes you feel like a loser!

Remember, at least here in America, going to public places by yourself makes you look like a loser in the eyes of others. Women in America REALLY place a high emphasis on whether or not a guy is with his friends or by himself.