Contradictions and meaninglessness

[RickyRetardo]

I feel profoundly disconnected and alienated. I am not happy with life, and the advice I get to make myself happy is advice that is not based in science, nor reasoning (so it is neither rationalistic advice nor empirical advice). If something has no scientific evidence and cannot be deduced through reasoning, why should I believe it? I don't understand why I would want to take something on blind faith and expect it to work. That seems irresponsible.

I am in many ways a flawed human being, and I am aware of this.

Yet people will tell me that acknowledging that fact is a sign of low self esteem, and therefore I am flawed. But I already knew that I was flawed, and I didn't have low self esteem; I was only recognizing that I was not perfect, and I don't see self awareness of flaws to be a flaw in itself. In fact, I think it's a good thing.

If I try to explain that to anyone who tells me my self esteem is low, then they just tell me I need to get over myself. But if I need to get over myself, that implies that I think too highly of myself. How can I think too highly of myself if I have low self esteem? It's either one or the other. You can't have low self esteem if you think too highly of yourself. It makes no sense.

The advice people give me when I try to talk about how I feel is self-contradictory and basically nonsense.

I want to have deep, meaningful conversations with people.

If I am mistaken about something, I would like to be proven wrong, because that's a good way to learn, so we can be right next time. But people get pissed off if you try to be right (as in, try to believe things that are true--try to have the right knowledge). They say, "why do you always have to be right?" in a snide tone. But what kind of a person wants to be wrong? Wanting to be wrong makes no sense. I love having my ideas logically criticized and proven wrong. That makes me happy because I see myself being educated and made smarter, right before my eyes, and I can't deny it, because the proof is right there. To be proven wrong lets you be right next time. And it makes perfect sense to want to be right.

Other people don't respond this way. They take counterexamples and counterarguments as a personal attack, as a deep insult, and they respond with anger. And if they are proven wrong, they see the other person as having hurt them.

I sometimes feel like I am from another planet, because I am not on the same wavelength as other people. I also feel like I am a naturally resilient, kind, patient person, who is being manipulated into turning into a shallow, vapid person who will engage in constant self-delusion, because it seems like my good qualities are useless when it comes to establishing the deep human connections that I naturally long for, and useless for succeeding. I feel like I would be very successful if I pretended to be someone I'm not, but I also feel like doing that is essentially a slow form of suicide.

Also, I have been happy in the past, and I didn't have to pump myself up, think positive, get over myself, get self esteem, or whatever people tell me to do.

I was happy in the past when things were going pretty well for me, even if they weren't ideal. If I felt like I was getting a little true friendship, a little intellectual discussion, close, loving, sincere human contact, and a little exercise and progress every day, and if I wasn't in serious physical or emotional pain, I was happy without having to "be alpha" or "get my shit together" or whatever meaningless stock advice people give these days.

I don't get what's up with this world.

[4GlORY]

I was, and still am in absolutely the same situation as you are. I still have no explanations for the things that are occurring. I can tell you one thing, its pretty f***ed up almost unbearable to be in this kind of state.

All the best to you!