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Why do White American families lack closeness, bond, feeling

Discuss racial, ethnic and multicultural issues. Warning: The topics here are likely to be taboo, so if you are easily offended, you are better off not participating here.

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Contrarian Expatriate
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Post by Contrarian Expatriate » January 2nd, 2014, 9:25 am

I don't see this as a "white American" problem. If anything, it is an AMERICAN problem that is rooted in the culture which dissuades families from being close.

In all of my travels where I encounter really close families, I realize that American families seek to send their children out in the world to conquer it. Those children that never leave the nest are failures and those that achieve success in another state or country are lauded as prides and joys.

Many other cultures prize children who stay as close to the parents as possible, even staying in the parents' home with the new spouse. That is anathema in American culture.
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Post by OutWest » January 2nd, 2014, 4:55 pm

Contrarian Expatriate wrote:I don't see this as a "white American" problem. If anything, it is an American problem that is rooted in the culture which dissuades families from being close.

In all of my travels where I encounter really close families, I realize that American families seek to send their children out in the world to conquer it. Those children that never leave the nest are failures and those that achieve success in another state or country are lauded as prides and joys.

Many other cultures prize children who stay as close to the parents as possible, even staying in the parents' home with the new spouse. That is anathema in American culture.

+1

a little insight goes a long ways

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Post by Billy » January 2nd, 2014, 7:28 pm

Things change for north asians as they become richer. divorce rates are rising stark. that changes everything. they become more western.

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Post by rudder » January 2nd, 2014, 11:36 pm

Great post, Winston. It's like I'm reading my own critique about my own family.

I'm just curious how you've come to these conclusions without having a white american family yourself?

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Post by Winston » January 3rd, 2014, 8:06 am

rudder wrote:Great post, Winston. It's like I'm reading my own critique about my own family.

I'm just curious how you've come to these conclusions without having a white American family yourself?
Well when you grow up in America, you're bound to visit white families, such as those of your friends, girlfriends, church groups, etc. When my parents both worked, I was babysat by several white families as well. So I saw what they were like on the inside. Also, when I was a Christian, I was around a lot of white families as well and went to their homes for get togethers, Bible studies, and Superbowl parties.

As a teen, I was not very articulate and had no skill with words, so I could not put into words how I felt about how white families lacked warmth, closeness, and feeling. I thought it was because I was Asian and didn't understand white families. Or that I lacked "white social skills". Only now when I think about it, can I put it into words.

Plus, as you know, I'm a very insightful and philosophical person who notices things at a deeper level. You guys should appreciate that rather than claim that my posts are useless and argumentative. :P
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Post by Winston » January 3rd, 2014, 8:13 am

Hi all,
I just talked to a friend about this issue. He told me something interesting that supports my observations. He said that in America, you will notice that homeless people are always either white or black. You never see Asians or Mexicans among the homeless in America. This speaks volumes, and can only mean that Asian and Mexican families take care of each other so well that they would never throw their own family members out on the street. In contrast, white and black families are very dysfunctional and apathetic and split apart easily. Hence, they are more likely to throw family members out on the street than help them.

This makes sense, and is a very rare and insightful observation isn't it?
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Post by rudder » January 4th, 2014, 7:26 am

Winston wrote:Have you also noticed that the family members in white American families seem more like casual friends and acquaintances rather than a real family? There is no closeness between them. Why are they like that? Don't they need love and closeness?

White anglo people in general just seem to lack closeness for some reason, even with their friends and partners. That's why it may not be good to be in a relationship with them. They seem to lack the closeness you get from other ethnicities. Could it be in their genes too, not just culture? After all, culture is only surface deep.

Don't Asian American girls who date white American men sense this? Do they ever talk about it?

What's funny is that white American families on TV and in movies act a lot more close, lovey dovey and expressive than they do in real life. lol

What about black American families? Are they more close knit than white American families?
Now why would you contrast with Asians? I view at least the Japanese as being even way more affection-deprived than Americans. When the Japanese come to the US, they get weirded out about how "friendly" the Americans are. Don't they bow to their family members instead of hugging them? How is there any affection in that society?

Yes indeed, I was just watching a movie tonight, and the American family was so affectionate with each other. I've never seen an American family like that in real life.

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Re: Why do White American families lack any real closeness?

Post by rudder » January 4th, 2014, 7:33 am

Winston wrote: White American couples seem the same way. Have you observed white American couples and noticed that they rely on using tact and diplomacy to get along, like ambassadors from two different countries? lol. I mean you'd think as a couple they'd be close and not have to use lots of tact in talking to each other. lol. It's like they aren't carefree around each other and can't just say whatever they want freely. lol. Sad huh?
This is why when I contemplate dating American women again, it remains just that - a contemplation. It's like trying to find a business partner.

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Post by Winston » January 6th, 2014, 1:37 am

rudder wrote:
Winston wrote:Have you also noticed that the family members in white American families seem more like casual friends and acquaintances rather than a real family? There is no closeness between them. Why are they like that? Don't they need love and closeness?

White anglo people in general just seem to lack closeness for some reason, even with their friends and partners. That's why it may not be good to be in a relationship with them. They seem to lack the closeness you get from other ethnicities. Could it be in their genes too, not just culture? After all, culture is only surface deep.

Don't Asian American girls who date white American men sense this? Do they ever talk about it?

What's funny is that white American families on TV and in movies act a lot more close, lovey dovey and expressive than they do in real life. lol

What about black American families? Are they more close knit than white American families?
Now why would you contrast with Asians? I view at least the Japanese as being even way more affection-deprived than Americans. When the Japanese come to the US, they get weirded out about how "friendly" the Americans are. Don't they bow to their family members instead of hugging them? How is there any affection in that society?

Yes indeed, I was just watching a movie tonight, and the American family was so affectionate with each other. I've never seen an American family like that in real life.
You would have to ask a Japanese person about that. Maybe ask Ladislav. He spent a lot of time in Japan. But this is a moot point. There are few Japanese immigrants in America. It's mostly Chinese, Vietnamese and Filipino. So that's what we are talking about here with regard to Asians in America.

I would imagine though, that Japanese are only cold to strangers, but not to friends and family. I don't know if they hug or not. But don't base what you know of them by American movies. Either way, their families are close knit. Do you see any Japanese people homeless on the street that got abandoned by their families? Nope. Do you see white homeless people on the street? Yep. See my previous post. That speaks volumes.

White families are more likely to abandon each other than Asian families, and this includes Japanese as well. There is no real closeness or loyalty in white American families. You can feel it when you see them together or visit their homes. White families are more like friends than family. There is no unbreakable bond between them.
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Post by Winston » January 7th, 2014, 10:18 pm

Some more observations:

- Have you noticed that groups of white American girls also lack closeness or loyalty? They seem like a loosely connected group of acquaintances, with no closeness, bond or loyalty. In contrast, have you noticed that groups of Asian girls or Mexican girls have more of a natural sense of closeness and bond, as though they were family, even if they are not blood related? White American girls don't have this. They are too self-absorbed to form true bonds with others.

- Have you also noticed that white American couples talk to each other as if they have to use tact and diplomacy to get along? That's weird. I mean, why should a romantic couple or married couple have to do that? Having to use tact and diplomacy is something that people in a business meeting need to use. Or ambassadors from two countries involved in international negotiations need to use. But a couple? Geez. Couples are supposed to have a natural sense of closeness. People who have a natural sense of closeness do not need to use tact and diplomacy when they communicate. They can read each other's minds and communicate with few words. So why do white Americans couples seem to need tact and diplomacy to get along? That's weird. It's like they aren't truly close and have not "become one", but have more of a business relationship.
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Post by Winston » January 9th, 2014, 2:00 pm

Here is what my dad had to say about this topic. What do you think? Make sense?
Traditional Orientals raise their children, their off springs, for the purpose of carrying on their identities, their names. They see their children as the continuation of themselves. Therefore, they invest as much as they could to make sure they will grow up more successful than themselves. So, they monitor every little thing, their acts, words to make sure they are what they expected. They are told to just study so that they will have good jobs. This leave their children no room to grow their own identities or ideas. They become followers, robots, conformers. Everything is prepared for them. They just follow the instruction.

On the other hand, Americans are raised to be more independent, starting from home and schools. But, when they get into society, work places, they are expected to follow and conform to the society and working culture. This create lots of conflicts and make many crazy.

So, you can see the Orientals are better in becoming followers than most Americans. What do you think about that?

Love,
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He makes a good point in that one reason why Americans are unhappy is that they are raised to see themselves as free individuals whom no one can tell what to do, but when they grow up and enter the workforce, they have to become conformists to the company they work for and are constantly told what to do by their superiors. I didn't realize that before.
Last edited by Winston on January 10th, 2014, 12:50 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by zboy1 » January 9th, 2014, 2:47 pm

Winston wrote:Here is what my dad had to say about this topic. What do you think? Make sense?
Traditional Orientals raise their children, their off springs, for the purpose of carrying on their identities, their names. They see their children as the continuation of themselves. Therefore, they invest as much as they could to make sure they will grow up more successful than themselves. So, they monitor every little thing, their acts, words to make sure they are what they expected. They are told to just study so that they will have good jobs. This leave their children no room to grow their own identities or ideas. They become followers, robots, conformers. Everything is prepared for them. They just follow the instruction.

On the other hand, Americans are raised to be more independent, starting from home and schools. But, when they get into society, work places, they are expected to follow and conform to the society and working culture. This create lots of conflicts and make many crazy.

So, you can see the Orientals are better in becoming followers than most Americans. What do you think about that?

Love,
Dad
He makes a good point in that one reason why Americans are unhappy is that they are raised to see themselves as free individuals whom no one can tell what to do, but when they grow up and enter the workforce, they have to become conformists to the company they work for and are constantly told what to do by their superiors. I didn't realize that before.
Both societies are deeply flawed: Asian societies force obedience and conformity, while Anglo societies force individualism unto people...well, unless, they're in the workplace; then, you're forced to act like slaves.

I wish there was a balance between the two, to be honest. Does anyone know of any countries like that in the world?

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Post by Blader » January 26th, 2014, 8:44 pm

I'm white and I see this as well. As a white man who is in a white family I can attest that this observation is indeed true. In my family there is a lot of backstabbing, disowning, and conflict. Everyone in my family primarily cares for themselves, there are a few exceptions but generally most members are selfish. I used to wish to be married to a beautiful white woman myself but can't possibly see that happening as white women are prone to feminism and divorce. The white race may be intelligent and creative but they lack loyalty to each other. This is why white countries are being invaded by foreigners from the 3rd world because our white elites only care for themselves for cheaper labor. Asian countries would never betray their people like that on the other hand.

I am proud of my race but have come to the realization that we are not close to one another and are extremely selfish to the point that we will betray our own race. It deeply saddens me but that is the reality. I do love Asians however, because as a race they are extremely smart and will help one another. They generally don't betray their own people and strive to improve themselves. I think in the future I will find myself an Asian wife as I can't risk the threat of getting divorced from a White wife.

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Post by Falcon » August 29th, 2014, 6:51 pm

Winston, this is not just a white American thing. It's American in general, and is happening in many developed Asian countries too. This happens even within my family, and my parents' background is similar to that of yours.

My family is not close-knit, and is not like Winston's. I have very few cousins. Aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings don't like talking to each other. My family is a small nuclear one that keeps to itself. In-laws avoid each other, and calls with relatives sometimes turn into arguments. In both sides of my family, my parents' generation, including some aunts and uncles, still don't get along with their own parents (my grandparents) and have arguments with them.

Within my nuclear family, none of us are particularly close to each other.

Mexicans, Filipinos, and Indonesians are usually shocked when I tell them I hardly stay in touch with my sibling or that I only e-mail my parents once in a while and don't call them every single day as they'd expect, and often travel alone. They're also shocked that I only have one sibling and only 3 first cousins. 2 of my first cousins in Taiwan are siblings, and they also hardly talk to each other.

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Re: Why do White American families lack any real closeness?

Post by Yohan » August 29th, 2014, 7:32 pm

Winston wrote:Sorry if this observation about white American families is racially insensitive or makes me sound racist. But I'm sure many of you can relate to this.

Have any of you noticed that most white American families are strange? There is no closeness between the family members. They act more like casual friends or acquaintances than a real family. They seem empty and hollow...
I don't see anything 'racist' with this comment. Your observation is correct. I do not think however it is limited to 'white American families' only.

I see this kind of behavior also with European families, I think it is the result of feminism. In my native country divorce rate in the cities is about 68 percent, and over 50 percent in rural areas. - Divorce is often instigated by the wife, often without any real reason - many do not even have a marriage contract, but co-habitation.

Laws in Western countries are often against men, husbands and fathers have to ask their wives and daughters even for doing the smallest favor for them, men (and even boys) are 2nd class citizens, only ATMs for payments. It's a society of mistrust and disrespect.

It's not only about the extended family members, but many children do not know anymore who is their father, others moved away from their single mother and do not even know her address and if she is alive anymore later on in their life.

Simply said broken families everywhere.

The situation is still better in Asia, where relatives keeping some contact to each other.
Same with me, while I know the members of my Japanese wife and my children, who are married already in Japan, I have no idea, if my own older half sisters are still alive, and I have no idea who are my other relatives in Europe. They were never kind to me when I was still a child, nor did they kept any contact with me after my relocation to Japan.

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