Slowly dying

magnum · Post by **magnum** » November 23rd, 2013, 9:17 pm

After returning to the US I knew things would be ruff, but I had a plan....make a few grand get back to my ex girl friend, start a life with her and never look back.

Well after she ended things with me, my life has been in total ruins.

I have no direction, no skills, no education....I could still return to china, but that could just be another waist of time and I don't even have a degree so it wouldn't be legal anyway...

being sick and stuck in doors for 3 months caused my body to become average and fat, partially my fault for giving in to depression after almost being engaged...but I was so ill I couldn't drink or eat, I had to go in to debt for 3500$ that I can't pay back because I'm unable to find a job here in California and I have no insurance.

So...how do you go from about to embark on a life changing journey of hope...prospect...love..at your physical prime....to nothing.......

For the first time In my life I had taken control of it, and I was headed in a direction, I had momentum, and I've slammed directly in to a brick wall.

Before I was overseas I'd thought my life was done, time was something to let pass by until this thing we call life was over, because it had nothing to offer me....then I made the choice to make a shot at happier abroad, a real one...and even before I met my ex...i was so happy and uplifted I couldn't believe it, It was literally magical life had happiness.

I'm a decent looking guy, I was in good shape x2 the second time I went to china....but never had any luck here in the usa....but when I went over seas...for the first time ever I felt appreciated by women as a man, something that had value as a man, strength, sexually socially all of it, for once I wasn't just a object to be ignored or some kind of annoyance to women all around....i couldn't believe it when my ex actually let me kiss her on are first "date" it wasn't even a date, I don't even normally make moves like that, but I had to move quick at the time.

It was amazing believe alive for once, I skied for the first time in china, I lived with snow for the first time in china....I had friends who accepted me for no reason for the first time in china.

Now I've returned to nothingness, I'm a invisible worm inside a house rotting away on the computer, with a motive and a desire to do great things to live life to have a family and live, but it all counts for nothing....no one here can help, I don't have friends or a social network that can get me a job, no contacts, no social cycle....

Contemplating starting college now I've thought of perhaps trying to work 2 jobs in a desperate attempt to make 45k in 1 year to try and go to a english college in japan....perhaps then I could achieve escaping learning and starting a life away from this hell.

I've attempted to have conversations with my old man about it, but he thinks I should just plant roots here, he can't comprehend or understand why I wouldn't make a go of it here, or even if he understands he thinks it's a long shot and always speaks of how it is such a long shot and will take so much time it isn't worth it....I try to tell him living here is no life at all, and a family with a women here even if I could find out is of no hope.

A up hill battle with parents who I shouldn't even live with anymore but are supporting me out of the kindness of there hearts, all while I try to hold on to hope that's such a long shot away..and not even assured...all this emotional baggage to drag uphill as I attempt to sell yet another year of my youth slaving away at 1 to 2 minimum wage jobs to pay for my college.

Even if I do make it to Japan I'm not even assured a wife or a job, but at least in that country it's a possibility to find a wife of bearable standers who has a CHANCE at being loyal....a job that might not pay well...but ENOUGH to live....

Christ knows all I want is happiness and to help people in any way I can on the way.

I've never had regrets in my life REAL regrets until after what my ex did to me....if I was on my death bed, that would be my biggest regret of my life if I never find a wife.

it's pathetic to write this in a forum of deranged sex starved guys who just want to get as much sex as they can, but the world is so backwards that maybe this is the only place that can understand the pain and hardship I go through even if a lot of it is my own fault and failure.

In my heart before 2013 I'd always had a lingering thought in my mind that I wanted to die, not necessarily commit suicide but just die, to be done with it, that I'd seen all my life was going to allow....after 2013, I'd started to do better I was in great shape, I'd been working and active in parkour, life though hardly perfect had some enjoyment, I went to china for the first time shortly after that, I found life was enjoyable and to cherished...then the second time...I woke up one day at my ex girl friends fathers home...and it almost made me cry...I wanted to be alive...I actually wanted to live...when my ex dumped a lot of this vanished...and as I linger on here in America, I'm just looking for hope....Christianity and my own integrity keep me going..I'm dying but not quite dead, maybe jesus and my own motivation will somehow see me out of this, but as of right now it's grim.

ladislav · Post by **ladislav** » November 23rd, 2013, 9:49 pm

What skill could this young man learn in a short time? Brainstorm everyone!

Cornfed · Post by **Cornfed** » November 23rd, 2013, 10:43 pm

ladislav wrote:What skill could this young man learn in a short time? Brainstorm everyone!

There may be no easy answer to this question. Millions of young men are in a similar position. However, if anyone comes up with something, maybe I'll give it a try if what I am currently doing doesn't work out.

magnum · Post by **magnum** » November 23rd, 2013, 11:02 pm

No solution to it.

I have to go to college and just put the rest of things on hold until I can tough it out.

I can try EMT courses it pays up to 30k a year, but it takes 6 months or more I believe and is mostly a branching off job to attempt to be a firefighter...

No matter where I go for college....refusing to go in to debt makes it very difficult and take even longer...someones getting rich and it's not the college grads...

Sad...the gender ratio is in my favor in this part of california I've been doing research.....I could always try to date girls here but without a social circle I don't know how you even go about that, walking up and asking for a number sure isn't the way, thought about church hopping, but that can get really odd and maybe even get you kicked out if you start hitting on the girls in a church you just started going to.

zboy1 · Post by **zboy1** » November 23rd, 2013, 11:55 pm

magnum wrote:No solution to it.

I have to go to college and just put the rest of things on hold until I can tough it out.

I can try EMT courses it pays up to 30k a year, but it takes 6 months or more I believe and is mostly a branching off job to attempt to be a firefighter...

No matter where I go for college....refusing to go in to debt makes it very difficult and take even longer...someones getting rich and it's not the college grads...

Sad...the gender ratio is in my favor in this part of california I've been doing research.....I could always try to date girls here but without a social circle I don't know how you even go about that, walking up and asking for a number sure isn't the way, thought about church hopping, but that can get really odd and maybe even get you kicked out if you start hitting on the girls in a church you just started going to.

Go to school and finish your degree! Yeah, you'll end up in-debt (like me) but it's worth it to get out of the U.S. of Gay and the Anglosphere. ...

Rock · Post by **Rock** » November 24th, 2013, 12:02 am

Magnum

Don't give up, u got your life ahead of you. If u ever need to talk with someone, Skype or chat w/me on phone and I'm sure same goes for Winston.

I admit I haven't followed your story in full but I do know u got dumped by a Chinese gf for not having degree. Well, I can tell u, if u waste too many months and even years missing that girl who was never right for u in first place, u will regret it in longer term. Believe it or not, there are girls ahead who u will like, love, and lust after even more than this one who in return will return your affections.

I'm surprised about yr. plans to go Japan. R u sure that's still a good HA option? Like it sounds as if its dying socially and girls and guys aren't even pairing up much anymore.

PM or talk to mguy. Sounds like Phils. is really growing fast. At least u could get a call center job for $500 to $1,000 a month and/or teach Koreans for more or maybe even teach online for more, all just for starters until u found perhaps some better opportunities. Girls would not be a problem for you there I believe. U would have many chances and choices. Even if u r into NE Asian look, u can find some of that there. And there is a workout culture too so u could get your ass back into shape. English would get u far there.

As for getting the BS/BA degree, are there any ways to do it online? How many years r u from it (any credits under your belt)? U could of course consider studying in Manila area to get a degree too. That would allow for a great selection of potential girls to date too

Seriously, don't lose your life over this nasty Chinese bitch. Get back to the gym, grab a piece of paper, and start formulating potential recovery strategies - social, academic, and career. China gets most of the attention but SE Asia is actually quite booming too.

We're here to help you.

The_Adventurer · Post by **The_Adventurer** » November 24th, 2013, 5:04 am

Go back to China. This is not even a question. Degree or not, you can get in. It will just take a bit more effort. Don't wait. don't try to settle things first, just take the first gig you can get.

Build yourself up in China. You can get to Japan, or anywhere else you wish to be from there.

Ghost · Post by **Ghost** » November 24th, 2013, 6:35 am

Jackal · Post by **Jackal** » November 24th, 2013, 8:53 am

Wow Magnum, I hope your situation improves. Many people have no idea just how much men suffer in the US.

The two ideas the others presented, go to college or go back to China, sound like good ones.

I don't know much about living in China, so I'll let the other guys talk about that. If you go to college, try to find the best deal possible, which will probably be your state university, possibly taking some electives at a local community college to make it even cheaper.

You mentioned that you are Christian. Could you get involved in some Christian missionary program/charity abroad? I know that there are Christians in Japan. Try to make some religious contacts in Asia on the internet and look at the possibilities.

And try to at least go running occasionally and do a few sets of push ups to stay healthy. If you develop health problems, this will only burden you more.

I hope you find a solution.

xiongmao · Post by **xiongmao** » November 24th, 2013, 10:11 am

Yeah, PM me as well, I'm also on Skype.

My first Chinese gf dumped me but I got over that pretty quickly - the day I got over her was the day I dated an 8 when she was only a 7.

Hang on in there because life DOES get better. But you gotta take the lows to appreciate the highs.

If you learn how to teach English you could probably find a free room in Japan in return for teaching English to a family. Since Fukushima no foreigners want to go and live there. China was great but Thailand is a better place to live. And I actually met a Chinese girl today.

Ghost · Post by **Ghost** » November 24th, 2013, 6:40 pm

SilverEnergy · Post by **SilverEnergy** » November 24th, 2013, 8:08 pm

You need to seek professional help from a therapist or a life coach or mentor.

You're not going to get the help you need on an internet forum.

Nobody on this forum can really help you.

Don't keep everything inside, seek help from a professional before things get worse.

I think that you have some kind of need to be in America for some reason.

I can't figure out why you won't go overseas if you're feeling this much pain.

magnum · Post by **magnum** » November 24th, 2013, 11:20 pm

money never was that big of a deal to me as long as I had enough to support a family have a vehicle "motor cycles are awesome" but one thing really slammed reality in my face, my ex dumped me because of my education...and in reality that translates in to lack of ability to make a large amount of money, so I've come face to face with the reality that most attractive women of that caliber even if they do care bout you, wont accept you without money...

What I need is the ability to work for a living without going in to debt for life, a group of friends to socialize with or even just hang out with and the ability to have a realistic chance at dating attractive women.....I had all that in china, hell I only ever got to date 1 girl the entire time I was in china in a 2 months span, but mostly because women in shenyang aren't too attractive nor did many hail from that part of china, but hell, that's better then zero dates in 3 years.

Know what? I've dated 5 girls my entire life....including my ex

Two of them were girls born in china, one from Korean the other two were American born and not worth mentioning.

I'm 28 years old now, before the age of 23 I was a fat man who never went to college or a normal high school I was home schooled, so no high school girls to date, no college girls to date.

at age 26 even with 6 pack abs and decent looks I couldn't land women, because I didn't have connections to social networks or anything that would put me in contact with women.

....I'm done messing around, I want a life, I want friends who aren't always trying to get a superiority over me in some kind of macho under the radar mind game.

I've only had 2 and a half girl friends and that's fine, I want a wife, I almost had one, I'm not looking for a players life, or riches, I want a attractive wife who loves me and a decent pay check I can save a little on while enjoying life with my family and MAYBE friends.

When did that become the impossible, it's not like I want a castle a sports car or to date a new model every night.....

When I made my original post I was in a dark place, I have my lows, but I remain stable with my goal in perspective, it's the only thing that keeps me going besides getting back in to shape.

I figure my 20's are over, I wont escape this place before 30....despite what guys here say, when your looking to date girls 19 to 23 they don't like guys who are over 25, part of why I put so much effort in to my fitness I look 5 to 7 years younger then I am, I'll use that to my every advantage once I get out of country.

Until then, I'll start church hopping, it's something to do other then rotting on the internet gaming or reading pointless material.

Thanks for all the information you guys have given and the assistance some of you were willing to give.

I actually was in contact with a pastor of a Japanese missionary group, but he seems to have blocked me or just flat out ignore me after asking for the location of his church so we could talk in person...why he would do that I don't know.

mguy · Post by **mguy** » November 24th, 2013, 11:56 pm

we are the same age.

i also felt like this. i think you should leave USA again. maybe try Philippines?

also dont live your life for girls. they should just be icing on the cake.

it helps watching motivational vids. also try not going online too much.

good luck brother

Jackal · Post by **Jackal** » November 25th, 2013, 10:33 pm

magnum wrote: I actually was in contact with a pastor of a Japanese missionary group, but he seems to have blocked me or just flat out ignore me after asking for the location of his church so we could talk in person...why he would do that I don't know.

Well, that was just ONE! Try to get in contact with many others. You never know who you might meet and sending emails costs nothing.

I would think that there would be some Christians in Japan who are actually compassionate. Getting a job overseas often boils down to personal connections.