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How to Handle an Authoritarian Step-Parent?

Vent your rants and raves here about whatever makes you mad, angry or frustrated.

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Eric
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Joined: March 20th, 2016, 4:07 am

How to Handle an Authoritarian Step-Parent?

Post by Eric » May 27th, 2016, 4:29 am

Any advice on how to handle a very strict, authoritarian step-father? Now, I'm not a fan of my Mother's choice of men, I went through this once with my father, and now the man she's married to seems 10x worse in some regards. Let's put it this way, I don't think I've once ever - felt comfortable in his presence. Anyone who steps "out of line" and has fun, seeks a little attention in a conversation, get stared at by him in a way which makes it uncomfortable to continue. This is the type of person, the guy's very very cold. And controlling. I can't stand it. I would tell him off in an instant if I weren't under his roof visiting my Mother, or didn't know him. I would not spend 5 mins around him.
He's just very strict, judgemental, stern and rigid. And whatever he says goes.
I keep telling my Mother about this, she continues to brush it off as 'nothing' and doesn't take it seriously - which pisses me off, really.
I try to be accomodating and get along, but I end up feeling controlled; because of my past history of this kind of father, it's even more enraging to have to go through All Over Again - when I come to visit my Mother. I feel resentful for my past upbringing, so I feel incredible resentment now. In having to deal with this.

Not an easy situation, for sure.
I'm really irritated at this. I resent that I have to be subjected to yet another controlling authoritarian male presence. I'm also mad at my Mom for her choice in Him. I know it sounds selfish, but I wished she'd contemplate how her choices affect others. Part of me feels like she's selfish.
I really hate/can't stand this guy, and wouldn't have anything to do with the anal retentive asshole if it weren't for my Mother.

My father was part of the reason I went apeshit off the deep end, for a long while in my youth - rebelling, I guess against authority.
It seems I can't escape authority figures.

What do I do? How should I handle this?
I can't go head to head with this. But it's hard to not lose my cool, sometimes. This situation is very hard for me to deal with.

Thanks
Misery and happiness are only states of mind.




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Eric
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Posts: 1297
Joined: March 20th, 2016, 4:07 am

Re: How to Handle an Authoritarian Step-Parent?

Post by Eric » June 1st, 2016, 1:50 am

I guess no one has anything to say about this. Anyway, my Dad is dead. My real Dad. He wasn't perfect but he had his problems - this guy, however is on a whole other level. I realize it's not issue with me it's with him. I stopped thinking everything was my fault when interacting with him; I used to judge his body language to see if he was pleased with what I said, etc. etc., and of course he doesn't show anything - so I thought it was my fault.
I'm not going to tie myself to a toxic influence, nor have another unhealthy influence in my life. I'm just not sure what I want to do about this. I can't have bitterness or this anger tied to me all the time, either. It's just hard to ignore. This really pisses me off/irritates me, I"m sorry.
Misery and happiness are only states of mind.

Jonny Law
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Re: How to Handle an Authoritarian Step-Parent?

Post by Jonny Law » June 2nd, 2016, 11:31 am

Move to Thailand or the Philippines! If you can move out your parent's home.


If you cannot move out of your parent's house you are:
1. Too weak
2. Too stupid
3. Too poor

Thanks and enjoy :)

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Zambales
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Re: How to Handle an Authoritarian Step-Parent?

Post by Zambales » June 2nd, 2016, 12:52 pm

When you said you visit your mother I guess you're not living with them so it's not really a major problem IMO. Can't she visit you or meet up when this chump isn't around?

I think its unfair to call your mother selfish though. After all, it's her life and she has the right to make her own decisions.

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bostero
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Joined: April 11th, 2016, 7:52 am

Re: How to Handle an Authoritarian Step-Parent?

Post by bostero » June 12th, 2016, 12:10 am

Jonny Law wrote:If you cannot move out of your parent's house you are:
1. Too weak
2. Too stupid
3. Too poor

Thanks and enjoy :)

WTF?

Eric
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Posts: 1297
Joined: March 20th, 2016, 4:07 am

Re: How to Handle an Authoritarian Step-Parent?

Post by Eric » June 12th, 2016, 12:40 am

Bostero, apparently- this guy is too stupid to understand that infact I don't live in my PARENT'S BASEMENT. I would reckon a guess he is all three of the above, though. ; )
Misery and happiness are only states of mind.

retiredfrank
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Posts: 617
Joined: November 23rd, 2014, 4:45 am

Re: How to Handle an Authoritarian Step-Parent?

Post by retiredfrank » June 12th, 2016, 5:57 am

Eric wrote:I realize it's not issue with me it's with him.
The above snippet is taken out of context, but in fact the issue IS you, not him. In particular your reaction to this guy and to the world in general. The reason you are unhappy in the USA is primarily you, not the USA. Though I would still recommend you carry through with those plans to move overseas, mainly because doing something drastic might cause some internal changes in yourself, so that can learn not to be affected by your environment in such a negative way.

You're going to be confronted with authoritarian types all your life, so you need to know how to cope with them. Build up a defensive shield of some sort. Just be careful you don't do like me, and put a shield around yourself so powerful and so indiscriminate that it shuts out the nice people too, including the nice and pretty women.

drealm
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Re: How to Handle an Authoritarian Step-Parent?

Post by drealm » June 12th, 2016, 6:29 am

There is no such thing as a step dad. There is your one and only biological father and then everyone else who is just screwing your mother. Step dad is a fancy name for a guy who is screwing your mother. You should deal with your mother on your terms, not hers. Tell her that you can't control her but you can choose not to be around her. You are under no obligation to even acknowledge or interact with this part of your mother's life. If she wants to screw someone else that is out of your control but you are under no obligation view this person as anything else than stranger you would see on the street, you are not even obligated to know their name. I suggest cutting your mother off all together.

retiredfrank
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Re: How to Handle an Authoritarian Step-Parent?

Post by retiredfrank » June 12th, 2016, 11:12 am

@drealm: you were on the right track until that last sentence. Why punish the mother for giving some American guy the opportunity to have a sex life? Attitudes like that are why American women shut down sexually and then we American men go sexless. But you're correct that Eric should regard that guy as just his mother's lover, not a father figure, and a son has no business meddling in his mother's love life, so he should visit his mother when that guy is away.

drealm
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Joined: November 10th, 2010, 6:23 pm

Re: How to Handle an Authoritarian Step-Parent?

Post by drealm » June 12th, 2016, 8:03 pm

Freedom of association or disassociation isn't a punishment. If someone wants to live in a way that you don't want to be involved with you are just choosing to compartmentalize yourself from their own destruction and collateral damage. How your disassociation affects them is their problem. I mean if a promiscuous woman wants to go to a zoo and get raped by gorilla and have an interspecies relationship should a son be obligated to associate with such a deranged woman and play into her fantasy? Should a son care what her mental state is as a result of leaving? Also why should a son care about the welfare of another random man's sex life?

I actually think a son does have an obligation to meddle in his mother's life. Once a husband dies or whatever, the mother should submit to her son's authority because she'll just make stupid decisions by herself. But this only works in a traditional patriarchal culture. In a modern society a mother will not submit to filial authority. So my point is that a son should invest nothing in helping a deranged parent, especially one that doesn't want help. They should just wash their hands and let their parents kill themselves.

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