Dateless beautiful woman in America ? How could this happen

[Johnny1975]

I'm sorry for being so harsh before but you were being a little bit passive aggressive. And at least you're asking advice from a bunch of supposed basement dwelling losers who can't handle western women (that's what they say, anyway), so that's a good start.

I think there's two issues.

One, it's kind of obvious that you do wants kids. It's not too late. You should just be honest about that in your profile.

Two, your profile sounds very cynical. If you're going to change your profile, and I think you should, then you should mainly deal with that. People don't care if you have reason to be cynical. What they want is you putting your best foot forward.

I strongly recommend that you look at some profiles of filipinas on OKCupid. You'll see that many of them are very humble and simple (not simple as in stupid, but simple as in normal and unpretentious and uncomplicated), and they sell themselves in a way that is refreshingly endearing. When I read their profiles, I find myself liking them.

Try to find a way of wording what you want and what you don't want without coming off as negative, cynical, or having any kind of negative attitude at all. A lot of western women are not very positive in their profiles. If you make a little bit of an effort you can be different.

Also, get this idea out of your head about who pays for what. Are you really that bothered if a guy wants to go halves? Maybe it shows that he values teamwork, which is a good thing to have. I hope you're not looking for a mealticket. If the issue is that you want to be treated like a lady, remember that a lady doesn't ask to be treated like one, she just does her thing and acts surprised when the guy does some nice gesture or whatever.

If you're worried about becoming a single mum, then don't. Why would that happen to you? Don't you know that most single mothers become that way out of their own stupidity and bad decision making? Just choose a good guy. Don't try to go for Superman. Remember, what you want is a companion in life, and it's not the end of the world if he's not super exciting all the time. I'm sure you're not and I know I'm not, despite my avatar. You only live once so don't waste your life seeking perfection because it will be you who ends up disappointed. Perfectionists tend to be fickle anyway, so even if you find mr perfect, if you can't help yourself, you'll probably leave him and try to find better.

Seriously your profile needs a huge overhaul. I'll be happy to help you if you're willing to take some advice. As it stands, I personally wouldn't even consider messaging you. I could literally take every single line and tell you what's wrong with it. Well maybe not every libe but a lot of it. I'm not trying to put you down, I'm just being really blunt with you. It's tough love. If you want help, the offer is there.

Also remember that an unscrupulous player would take one look at your profile, and play on your cynicism. You sound like easy prey. You should change your profile so that you are a repellant for those types.

[Guyver]

This thread is a bit different. OP posts a link to a western woman's POF profile, and that same woman happens to come in here to start commenting? I'm going to continue reading to see what she has to say. To gain a bit of an understanding from her perspective.

[somedude]

I'd have to agree with what Johnny has mentioned earlier. In regards to the negatives he mentioned, I would add that men are very visual creatures, e.g. your pictures already tell me that you keep fit, healthy, and are athletic... and yes that is attractive, however something like competitive bodybuilding is more of a testosterone inducing activity, mentioning it in within an "I'm a catch" phrase is neutral or negative more often than it is a positive. Men, as well as women look at the activities listed as something possible to do together, maybe on a first or second date and beyond. Not knocking what you like to do, just explaining the rationale behind the attraction thing, your profile only has a fraction of a minute of someones attention, what keywords are going to be true and create the most attraction.

As been mentioned above also, your inbox is being flooded with pickup artists playing the numbers game on shotgun approaches, unfortunately, which is understandable as to why you would have a silly quote thing at the bottom of your profile. But it's a damned if you do and damned if you don't there, I did not think it was that bad because I know the dating scene is inundated with pua shotgun players and knew exactly why you had it there, but I digress.

So, there is a balance between looking for ways to better myself and being told "if you're such a catch, why are you alone?/if you're so great, why are you single?"

Really, the "what's wrong with you" line of questioning is as soul-crushing as anything else. How can someone be with me if I'm not single in the first place to be with? At some point, everyone is single or newly single, no matter how great they are. Plus, I live in a town that appears to be more dominated by women than men and I've heard it's much different in Dallas or Houston than it is my city. I don't think there is anything wrong with me, but I do think I am exhausted from being online so long and it's gotten me a little negative, yes, and I'm not putting forth the effort to make the most of it as I should.

It's that way on this side of the fence also. I gave up on POF last year in my area. I went on several meetings, and was appalled by the line of questioning you mention (among other things), and I thought I was doing good at filtering the negative nancy's prior to a meeting.

A lot of that has to do with the fact that I got stood up over two dozen times last year and the fact that a few men showed up to dates hung over or texting the whole time... just not present at all. Sometimes I feel like I'm putting in all the work (including paying for my half of the dinner) and getting nothing out of it. I understand that almost everyone goes through something like this though and I have to keep my chin up and be more positive. It's much easier for me to just get another job, another hobby, spend more time with friends or get a friends with benefit, but it just helps for the short term and keeps me single in the long term.

What you describe here is what most men experience most of the time.

I edited my profile a bit. I also edited my profile on okcupid as well.

The sad thing is that if I met the right guy, I would have his children, but with the rate of divorce and single motherhood, I'm just not willing to make that gamble... not easily by any means anyway. I met a guy online two years ago who I thought was perfect for me, and I would have changed my mind about motherhood for him, but he dumped me... well, I still don't ever know if I got the real reason.. he said I was too into sex and he thought I was faking it. He accused me of faking all my feelings for him and said I was incapable of a deep connection with him and then threw me out. I'm still heartbroken over it. Maybe I'm holding out because I just don't want to go through that again.

That gamble happened for me when I was 20, the mother left when my son was 3 months old. I raised him on my own (he's 18 yrs now) as well as worked full time. Yeah it isn't easy, but you know what, I would not trade that experience for the world. However I can also say at this point in time, having procreated, that I'm done having children.

Being once bitten twice shy is something we all can probably relate to, however one must get off the damn fence at some point

[E Irizarry R&B Singer]

I was browsing through profiles in POF.com and found a woman who claims that men don't her out ( or other women) anymore. She claims that she puts effort into going out yet no luck from men.

In surprised by that because this goes against the idea that we get off this site and from others that America is a big Las Vegas for women. They choose and pick all the time and have men run after them like celeberties.

What do you think ?

Here's a link to her profile :

http://www.pof.com/viewprofile.aspx?profile_id=56845394

I just looked at her pictures and read her profile, she seems to be very picky about what kind of guys she dates. For example she says, "I'm a catch. Master's degree, good job in software, work out all the time (sometimes competitively) honest, loyal, kind, smart, funny, low maintenance, outdoorsy, fun. I'm looking for someone kind, thoughtful, intelligent, healthy, active, literate and social.

I generally only respond to guys who look around my age group, with a nice picture (Smile!) I'm not likely to respond if you're out of shape or have kids. I'm not totally against dating someone with kids but I'm not really a kid person. I'll then look at your profile and if it says you're not interested in a commitment or only casual dating, I won't be replying.

Whoever gets me should be lucky because nothing makes me happier than making someone I care about happy.

She ends her profile by saying this, "Prove you read these things. End your email with this phrase: purple monkey dishwasher. Please send more than a "sup?" "hi" or "sexy." Otherwise I won't respond and I'm gonna assume you're shotgunning."

To be honest, she is 32 and is average looking, maybe she shouldn't be so picky about what guys she dates.

She's a decent looking educated girl who seems to have a good job. That puts her a bit out of reach for the typical HA type. One of the goofy tenets of HA is that it is reasonable for men to have requirements of a mate but that women are being unreasonable when they do so.

Whoa whoa. Are you trying to clown all of us here? I'd agree that most HA dudes are the awkward nerdist types, but you cannot just clown the whole HA stuff here and exclude yourself. There are some alpha males on here whom can f.uck and chuck her so get your s.hit str8, sonny.

[E Irizarry R&B Singer]

I think I have to admit something: I feel that the I.T. women types on dating websites aren't too keen on meeting I.T. men. They must really have a narcissistic personality disorder that they have to be the alpha-almighty of the relationship with virtually no competition.

One time, I even had one block me just because I asked her what exactly does she do in I.T. since she said she worked in it, and she didn't reveal what her job title was. IJS.

[bladed11]

Holy shit bitch you have high standards. You are dilusional. If you ever find somebody you'll just start picking him apart everything wrong with him. You're not even a 4/10 in looks and probably worse in personality. Is it you need such a jame bondish male because of your own insecurities? Ya right bitch I could find women 3 times better and to hell with your career and money. I'd rather die in a garbage can than live with a narcissistic jezebel from hell.

Read Narcissist's relationship needs assessment.

[Johnny1975]

Holy shit bitch you have high standards. You are dilusional. If you ever find somebody you'll just start picking him apart everything wrong with him. You're not even a 4/10 in looks and probably worse in personality. Is it you need such a jame bondish male because of your own insecurities? Ya right bitch I could find women 3 times better and to hell with your career and money. I'd rather die in a garbage can than live with a narcissistic jezebel from hell.

Read Narcissist's relationship needs assessment.

I think he means lame.

[julieSA999]

OK, I really did not need that "you're a 4/10 bitch" quote when I'm already terribly depressed and hurting.

I don't think I even have high standards.
I want someone active because all my hobbies are active. I don't need someone who is a bodybuilder or a male model. The last guy I dated was very overweight, but he was a great dancer. My friends all thought he was "average" in looks, but I really loved him and yeah, still heartbroken. I'm not asking for a perfect human being, just someone I can run around with, or bike or kayak around the lake or just go dancing once in a while. I'm not asking for a rich guy, and I'm fine with paying half for my meals but I don't like to show up after putting a bunch of money in a nice outfit, hair, nails and heels for some guy that acts like he doesn't want to be there. I really do put in effort on dates. If I find out what the guy likes to do, I do it with him. If he likes the same music as me, I find a show I think he'd love and get us tickets. If he likes a certain type of food, I find the best restaurant in town to introduce him to or I cook him a meal with what he likes. When someone dates me, I really just try to do whatever I can to make them happy. All they have to do is be a somewhat active male in my somewhat age range that somewhat wants the same things.

I don't want someone with kids because I'm not in a position to raise children on my own if it doesn't work out.

I will do what I can about looks but I'm dealt the cards I'm born with. I can't magically change my bone structure without a lot of surgery and I don't think I should take out my life savings on surgical procedures I don't need.

All I really want is just a guy to be nice to me. I think I deserve to not have to waste my time with people who just want casual sex. I don't need to feel used like that, not when I'm already feeling this bad.

Really, I have never felt so awful. I don't know why this guy linked me to this. I appreciate the help. You can email me at julielaursen1@gmail.com and I'll take any advice on editing my profile that y'all will give me. I know it sounded passive aggressive at first, but I do appreciate it. If you want to give me advice on my appearance, I can take that too, but just telling me I'm ugly makes me feel hopeless and hurt and I don't need any more of that.

[Cornfed]

All I really want is just a guy to be nice to me. I think I deserve to not have to waste my time with people who just want casual sex. I don't need to feel used like that, not when I'm already feeling this bad.

The trouble is that the men you think are worthy of you are probably the same men other females are attracted to as well. Therefore they will not need to be nice to you and will be inclined to demand casual sex, since they know that if you don't put out, some other female will. In fact, the very act of a man being nice to you and not demanding casual sex will probably cause you to regard him as a loser and reject him. Most likely you will just have to accept being used as a temporary wanking machine until your looks expire and then growing old alone and bitter with a couple of neurotic cats for company. That is feminism for you. It is a bad situation all round.

[julieSA999]

In fact, the very act of a man being nice to you and not demanding casual sex will probably cause you to regard him as a loser and reject him

Again, that last response, not that helpful considering how terribly pessimistic I feel. Certainly, even if it's the truth, my life is in no way served by me feeling this badly, especially when I need a positive outlook. As for a man to be nice to me.. hah..

I would not see that as a downside at all. In fact, it's the primary thing I look for when dating men. The problem is I've been niave and taken by a lot of players that use being nice/polite/helpful to get what they want and run. I'm still working on trying to figure out the real nice guys from the "nice guys" with an agenda. When someone is hot, I notice, of course, but when they're nice.. wow I get hooked. I've even got a crush recently on one of my friends... I hadn't noticed him too much for years, then all of a sudden he started complimenting me and was really there for me when I needed someone, said things I needed to hear and was gentle about it... wow, jesus did that throw me for a loop. It took several weeks to calm down from it- he doesn't want a relationship with anyone.

[jamesbond]

Really, I have never felt so awful. I don't know why this guy linked me to this. I appreciate the help. You can email me at julielaursen1@gmail.com and I'll take any advice on editing my profile that y'all will give me. I know it sounded passive aggressive at first, but I do appreciate it. If you want to give me advice on my appearance, I can take that too, but just telling me I'm ugly makes me feel hopeless and hurt and I don't need any more of that.

The best thing you can do is STOP using internet dating! The type of men you want to meet, you will never find on the internet. Online dating is filled with desperate guys with no social skills.

The best way to meet men is FACE TO FACE, take college courses, do volunteering work and things of that nature. The WORST way to meet people is through the internet. Watch this video and see why internet dating is a joke!

[Johnny1975]

I'm sorry but I can't believe that a woman who is how she says she is can have difficulty finding someone.

She paints a very positive picture of herself, but there must be something majorly wrong if she's still having trouble. I know there are players and timewasters out there and I know that internet dating attracts the worst of people but there has to be something wrong with this woman if she is consistently not getting anywhere. I don't know exactly what's wrong with her, but it may simply be that she chooses the wrong guys. Maybe she does indeed have the good qualities that she claims to have, but somewhere along the lines something isn't quite right.

And I think her profile, although not the worst I've seen, plays a big part.

Also I don't understand why she talks about changing her looks or getting plastic surgery. That's so stupid. She's an attractive woman, and if she thinks she needs surgery then she has big self esteem problems. Don't be so stupid, you don't need surgery.

I think a lot of women are their own worst enemy. If she's such a catch, why is she having trouble? There's a catch alright, but we haven't gotten to the bottom of it yet.

If you want advice, the best place for it is right here, not by email. Just say the word and you can get advice for changing that profile, right here and now. And you need to get over that attitude of thinking that harsh advice and feedback is not helpful just because you feel bad. It's all helpful, but you have to help yourself by listening to it and absorbing it, no matter how you feel. If feelings ruled your whole life you'd never get anything done.

[Cornfed]

I'm sorry but I can't believe that a woman who is how she says she is can have difficulty finding someone.

I can easily believe that in her own mind she feels she can't find someone for a traditional relationship. She probably encounters men on a daily basis who would give her such a relationship but automatically, subconsciously rejects them, so they are effectively invisible to her. There is really no solution to the problem under the current system, other than for her to be lucky enough to encounter a man who wants a traditional relationship with her and is attractive to her for some peripheral reason. The thing is that we are screwed as a society now, so the majority of both men and women are going to be unhappy with their lot in life.

[julieSA999]

Honestly, I just go out all the time in real life and no one asks me out. I would be happy to go on lots of dates with different types of men and give people chances, but my biggest "problem" is just that no one ever seems interested.

I mean, I go to all these meetup groups... I find young professional happy hours advertised on email lists... I go through do512.com and the chronicle newspaper for events... last week it was a podcast that was in town, the week before it was an adult night at a children's museum...

I smile, I say hi to guys. If I get lucky, they smile back. They rarely ever say hi back. I strike up conversations with them. They seem uninterested, walk off. They never ask my number. Sometimes I ask for their number. Sometimes they text, but when I text back, there might be one or two more interchanges and then they fade away.

I just feel completely invisible to men.

I have a lot of male friends. Tons. Most are around 30. They don't seem to be interested in me either. I've had a few of them confess they really want to have sex with me, but they never would have asked because they don't want a relationship with me or anyone. The way I see them go through girls, I believe them. The guys I'm talking about seem to have a new girl every month, and they always dump the girl for some vague reason. They don't want to just have sex with me and dump me like that, so they stick around trying to help me out, but they never really point out areas I can improve myself, just give me the same old "keep trucking, you'll find someone" advice.

I had one guy ask me out in December, but he prephased it by saying that he was in a divorce and wanted to keep things "organic" and not have "labels" so I didn't go out with him. He's only been divorced 8 months and has asked a lot of women out and from talking to my other mutual friends about him, he seems to only be interested in sex. My BFF who knows him warned me against it.

Since December, I'm honestly not sure I've gotten hit on, other than people confessing they'd like to have sex with me (but won't because they don't want to hurt my feelings).

I know negativity is my biggest problem. I'm trying everything I can to change that. I'm determined.

I may be niave and not picking up on signals from shy guys who aren't obviously hitting on me or saying things like "do you want to go on a date?". I'm used to having a lot of male friends so if a guy wants to hang out with me, I don't assume he's interested in me romantically, unless he asks me to dinner alone or calls it a date. I'll take a closer look at my friend group.

I've been dumped a lot, but for really piddly reasons. One guy who made 6x as much as me was angry that I didn't offer to pay for half of everything. One guy dumped me because I didn't like talking about politics. One said I liked sex too much. One said it was because I wasn't Christian.. fair. One said it was because I didn't seem ready to have kids within the year. I told him I'd be ready in a few years, but he was on a deadline in his mind. One said he didn't like my work schedule. Another one didn't like it when I had a second job (frustrating, as I didn't have a good job at the time so I needed two). Many gave logistical reasons: Moving within the year/month. Most of them didn't give me a reason at all. I got the amorphous "not feeling it". I've gotten that they didn't get a "spark" multiple times or that they were interested in dating me but knew I wasn't "the one". I've tried really hard to get some feedback, when I get dumped, but there's not a lot of information to go through. Again, negativity is the only true one I got that I can work on. Fortunately, I've not gotten it from everyone. Some people tell me I'm smiling every time I see them or that they're the first person they introduce people to in our group because I make them comfortable, so it's probably more that I have negative "spells" that last a while. It's honestly probably depression, but I went to a shrink for a long time, tried a variety of SSRIs and other drugs, and never found one that made me feel better, so my depression is mild enough he advised me to stop taking the ones we tried. We only tried three, so maybe I should ask again.

So there you have it. I'm not religious. I'm leaning toward no kids (my mind could be changed). I'm a little negative. I go through depression. I'm not the most attractive girl. I live in a town that is more women than men, and more women in their 20s than anything. And I seem to have no ability to get men to be engaged/really interested in me... no one ever gets attached to me.. I don't have that "spark"... or when they do get attached, it's only as a friend. The guy that broke my heart, he gave me all those reasons. He said the main reason was that my sex drive was high so he thought I was faking it and that I was a "fake" person (actually I was honestly really just enjoying having sex with him), that there wasn't a spark so that he never seemed to think about me when I wasn't there, and that I was a little negative. He did try to stay friends with me for a year afterwards until I had to cut it off because it hurt too much when he would talk about other women, and he told me I was the most interesting and fun person that he had dated in a long time or since. But he was firm that he would never get back together with me.

Really, the whole "So you're single, tell me what's wrong with you" vibe I get from men is a huge put-off. It feels like being attacked and I don't know how to deal with it.

[magnum]

I don't speak for everyone here.


But I'm almost 29, and I can 100% honestly say I would never date someone who was over the age of 25 at this point in my life, perhaps the older men are still aiming lower in age?

Men who become better off later in life who at a younger age didn't find relationships don't suddenly wake up and decide they want to date older women, they continue to try and date the women they couldn't get when they were younger, and a lot succeed.


Now, your 32, but if other men have the same mentality as me, they probably wont be looking to date 32 year olds until around at least 38 years old.

Just my perspective, but I'm a family oriented christian man who wants kids, so that might play a role.

I encourage you to continue exercising, if you want to find a guy at the gym, try asking one if he needs a spot, trust me, nothing is more attractive if your in to weights haha.