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Advice: Find a wife that's easygoing, caring and humble

Discussion for marriage-minded members seeking foreign brides for marriage and serious long-term relationships.

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Will N. Dowd
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Re: Advice: Find a wife that's easygoing, caring and humble

Post by Will N. Dowd » August 26th, 2017, 12:38 am

publicduende wrote:You can believe whatever you want, Zambales, but if you come over here in the Philippines, your perspective will soon change and acquire a more cynical tone, just like that of Marcos Z and mine.
Me too.

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Re: Advice: Find a wife that's easygoing, caring and humble

Post by Zambales » August 26th, 2017, 12:41 am

publicduende wrote:
Zambales wrote:If you're seeking a wife with the traits mentioned in the thread title don't be surprised if Public Duende accuses you of having a superiority complex. :shock:
Haha, I thought you were the one accusing me of having a superiority complex, simply because I live here and have higher expectations than most of you over here. You think I am not looking for a girl who is easygoing, caring and humble? Of course, those are positive and desirable qualities in any woman. Simply, there has to be something extra...an intellectual spark, a dream, an ambition. And of course a pretty face and a sexy body won't hurt :)

The problem is when a girl is faking that caring attitude and humility because they have to play the "devoted partner" until they (and their families) have a firm grip on you. It happened to several acquaintances of mine here in Davao. Young sexy thing, always saying yes, quiet and subdued until marriage. After the big day, her family moves in and poor sod is asked to help with fiesta meals, dubious medical and college expenses for an extended family of 20. And the girl "mysteriously" stops being so sweet and available and starts being demanding and snooty. No thanks, I have seen this happening quite a few times, especially with men my age (40+).

Not sure what your age is and what you did in the Philippines. A tourist will always be in honeymoon for a few months at least. It happened to me, too, and had great memories of it. Things change past the 4 or 5 months mark.

You can believe whatever you want, Zambales, but if you come over here in the Philippines, your perspective will soon change and acquire a more cynical tone, just like that of Marcos Z and mine.
You accused first. Anyway, never mind that.

I may not have lived in Phils but I've spoken to dozens of guys who have, and they do echo your point.

As for the fakes, I've had experience of not one but two. The girl from Davao who I tossed away last week and the one from Pampanga who I had an LDR with for over three years. Fortunately I managed to get the measure of her before placing a ring on her finger.

Out of interest, how long did your acquaintances know their Filipina's before they decided to get married?

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publicduende
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Re: Advice: Find a wife that's easygoing, caring and humble

Post by publicduende » August 26th, 2017, 1:20 am

Zambales wrote:You accused first. Anyway, never mind that.
I don't remember accusing anyone. If anything I said I wasn't happy with people who dismiss me as a Cassandra without ever having been to the Philippines themselves. And you're not even one of those I directed that criticism to, as I know you visited the Philippines on at least one occasion. Maybe more.
Zambales wrote:I may not have lived in Phils but I've spoken to dozens of guys who have, and they do echo your point.
You mean being disillusioned? Look, we might be p***y-blinded at the beginning but we're not fools. At some point we are bound to open the curtains and stare at the brick wall behind. No girl of some intelligence, beauty and ambition, from wherever she is from, will willy-nilly choose to be with an adult foreigner without asking for something specific in return. Some girls might be more interested in the financial support aspect and might even do it for altruistic reasons (i.e. they know their families are in need and you, Kano, are Mr Saviour). Some girls are dying to leave the Philippines and start a life abroad, in a real house, with real food on the table, perhaps away from the hardship and the sacrifices of their current lives. A few will want a white baby who they see as their karmic way out from being morenas and undesirable.

However you want to put it, this reality surfaces to everybody's eyes. Only the blindest of blinds and the foolest of fool will fail to see it, a mere few months into his life over here. At that point, the man can choose what to do. Pretend he never realised it, and continue to live with his loving girlfriend/wife, happy and contented of what he gets in exchange for what he gives. Or, in a few rare cases (like mine), he may not want to compromise and look for a woman who will want to be with him because she wants to, not because she needs to.

And if the latter avenue is taken, believe me, finding a quality Filipina for a man like me is very, very hard, next to impossible. You can extol the virtues of "simple" Filipinas from the province (sweet, caring, devoted, subdued, etc.) but the reality is, they make for a very boring relationship and one that gets easily more complicated as her extended family gets more and more involved and her "devotion" reveals to be just a facade for her needs, and those of said family. Many men are happy to live in a menage like this, but - as far I have seen - it's for the vast majority old men who are with girls 25/35 years their junior, and who are retired and have nothing better to do than enjoy that "simple" lifestyle, with all of its pros and cons.

I have a business and a professional life here, I mingle with established people and have to maintain the same kind of reputation and respectability as I would if I had been living in London. I am in Davao but I don't live on a desert island, and that by choice. Am I asking too much, that I can find a girl who has something to say (possibly in decent English) and do with his life, beyond taking care of the house and spreading legs a couple of times a day? A girl who asks for honesty but also gives honesty? A girl who has some class even if she doesn't have a lot of money? A girl who has a dream who goes beyond the four walls of a house...maybe teach children, inspire the others, build a business, etc.?

There are girls like those, even in Davao. They are high in demand and get snapped up as soon as they finish college, sometimes even before. The few who are left, I know at least 5 of them, are totally unattractive to me (read "boner test fail") and make me reluctant to be with them knowing that the chemistry will never be there... Pardon if I ask too much, but I need a complete relationship.
Zambales wrote:As for the fakes, I've had experience of not one but two. The girl from Davao who I tossed away last week and the one from Pampanga who I had an LDR with for over three years. Fortunately I managed to get the measure of her before placing a ring on her finger.
I have experienced two hundreds. From a chat window everything is opaque and can be easily masked. It might take you a few weeks or even three years, as you say, to get the measure of a girl. Again pardon my arrogance or "sense of superiority" (in fact just first-hand experience), but I can tell these girls apart within a single date. I wish I still had that naivety that let me be playful and happy-go-lucky in my first few months here.

Unfortunately what I realised, cannot un-realise. What I have seen, cannot un-see. I know most young Filipinas are simply unreliable and have an agenda that will create problems in any long term relationship, especially considering how unable to compromise I am. The few women of quality I met, as I said, are either unattractive beyond an acceptable boundary, or mature (late 30 to early 40) and it takes me a grand total of 30 minutes to understand why they are still single at that age.
Zambales wrote:Out of interest, how long did your acquaintances know their Filipina's before they decided to get married?
It depends. Some of them were introduced their young pretty thing and started dating them straight away. Some of them stumbled into their girls while embarking on a f**k-everything-that-moves crusade and just stuck with them. I agree that most men here are p***y-blinded and lose their sense of judgment. It's like going to the movie: suspension of belief sets in and you want to believe that all Filipina girls are humble, compassionate, sweet, great moms, have a great relationship with their families, and will do anything for their beloved men.

I wish it was that simple.

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Re: Advice: Find a wife that's easygoing, caring and humble

Post by Zambales » August 26th, 2017, 2:41 pm

publicduende wrote: I know you visited the Philippines on at least one occasion. Maybe more.
Once? LOL. There are around 80 provinces in the Philippines and I've been to about a quarter of them - but not in one trip. :wink:

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Re: Advice: Find a wife that's easygoing, caring and humble

Post by publicduende » August 27th, 2017, 9:38 am

Zambales wrote:
publicduende wrote: I know you visited the Philippines on at least one occasion. Maybe more.
Once? LOL. There are around 80 provinces in the Philippines and I've been to about a quarter of them - but not in one trip. :wink:
That sounds impressive enough. If you have been to the Philippines so often, why are you still resorting to keeping chatmates? You should knowledgeable enough to go straight to the place where the best gems hide and make one yours.

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Re: Advice: Find a wife that's easygoing, caring and humble

Post by Zambales » August 27th, 2017, 11:30 am

publicduende wrote:
Zambales wrote:
publicduende wrote: I know you visited the Philippines on at least one occasion. Maybe more.
Once? LOL. There are around 80 provinces in the Philippines and I've been to about a quarter of them - but not in one trip. :wink:
That sounds impressive enough. If you have been to the Philippines so often, why are you still resorting to keeping chatmates? You should knowledgeable enough to go straight to the place where the best gems hide and make one yours.
Like I said previously, I had an LDR with a Pinay for over three years who I traveled all over the country with on numerous occasions. Not exactly a "chatmate". Anyway, I'm done with the dating sites, and yes, my plan now is to meet someone in the traditional way. Unfortunately I have commitments at home currently so I can't just jet off when I feel like it. Hopefully though, I'll return to the Phils in early 2018.

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publicduende
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Re: Advice: Find a wife that's easygoing, caring and humble

Post by publicduende » August 27th, 2017, 11:51 am

Zambales wrote:Like I said previously, I had an LDR with a Pinay for over three years who I traveled all over the country with on numerous occasions. Not exactly a "chatmate". Anyway, I'm done with the dating sites, and yes, my plan now is to meet someone in the traditional way. Unfortunately I have commitments at home currently so I can't just jet off when I feel like it. Hopefully though, I'll return to the Phils in early 2018.
Ah OK, so the chatmate you ditched after 3 years wasn't just a chatmate, you had met her and spent quite a bit of time with her. May I ask you, out of curiosity, what led you not to "put the ring around her finger" despite knowing her so well?

I have quickly lost hopes about the dating sites myself. I just don't think any girl worth her salt would ever eve think of putting herself up on any of them.

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Re: Advice: Find a wife that's easygoing, caring and humble

Post by Zambales » August 27th, 2017, 12:34 pm

publicduende wrote:
Zambales wrote:Like I said previously, I had an LDR with a Pinay for over three years who I traveled all over the country with on numerous occasions. Not exactly a "chatmate". Anyway, I'm done with the dating sites, and yes, my plan now is to meet someone in the traditional way. Unfortunately I have commitments at home currently so I can't just jet off when I feel like it. Hopefully though, I'll return to the Phils in early 2018.
Ah OK, so the chatmate you ditched after 3 years wasn't just a chatmate, you had met her and spent quite a bit of time with her. May I ask you, out of curiosity, what led you not to "put the ring around her finger" despite knowing her so well?

I have quickly lost hopes about the dating sites myself. I just don't think any girl worth her salt would ever eve think of putting herself up on any of them.
Three years plus may seem like a long time but only about 10% of that was actually spent with her in the flesh despite speaking over webcam on a daily occurence.

Her behaviour began to change after about three years. I was sending money over for the first time to help pay for her internet connection which she used to speak with me on Skype. It was not every month - just now and again. On one occasion I sent the correct amount by Western Union and messaged her to pick up X amount the next day but I got my conversion rates the wrong way round so she thought she was getting far more than usual. Her reply.
"Thankyou Mahal, I love you so soooo much". It was a theatrical response and she had never spoken to me this way before.

In July of 2013 she told me that her and the family were getting thrown out of their house in a month's time but when I went over in the November they were still there. Another time she told me her mum had lost thousands of peso's on a jeepney. Everything started clicking.

I tested her out to be sure when I went over next telling her I was losing my job (I made that up btw). Within two months contact ceased altogether. The last thing she mentioned was being robbed of her laptop and someone else's wages. LOL. The shit they come up with.

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Re: Advice: Find a wife that's easygoing, caring and humble

Post by publicduende » September 2nd, 2017, 12:03 pm

Zambales wrote:Her behaviour began to change after about three years. I was sending money over for the first time to help pay for her internet connection which she used to speak with me on Skype. It was not every month - just now and again. On one occasion I sent the correct amount by Western Union and messaged her to pick up X amount the next day but I got my conversion rates the wrong way round so she thought she was getting far more than usual. Her reply.
"Thankyou Mahal, I love you so soooo much". It was a theatrical response and she had never spoken to me this way before.

In July of 2013 she told me that her and the family were getting thrown out of their house in a month's time but when I went over in the November they were still there. Another time she told me her mum had lost thousands of peso's on a jeepney. Everything started clicking.

I tested her out to be sure when I went over next telling her I was losing my job (I made that up btw). Within two months contact ceased altogether. The last thing she mentioned was being robbed of her laptop and someone else's wages. LOL. The shit they come up with.
This tells me that you are picky, too. You are happy to give a Filipina the benefit of the doubt when trying out a relationship, with little risk on your side (I assume you were travelling around in the Philippines and of course you enjoyed being accompanied by a sexy young girl). When it comes to a long-term relationship, that "ring around her finger" you mentioned, it was your right to give her a few more tests, which - by the sound of it - she failed.

So where's the criticism, if you are that cautious and selective yourself?

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Re: Advice: Find a wife that's easygoing, caring and humble

Post by Zambales » September 2nd, 2017, 3:33 pm

publicduende wrote:
Zambales wrote:Her behaviour began to change after about three years. I was sending money over for the first time to help pay for her internet connection which she used to speak with me on Skype. It was not every month - just now and again. On one occasion I sent the correct amount by Western Union and messaged her to pick up X amount the next day but I got my conversion rates the wrong way round so she thought she was getting far more than usual. Her reply.
"Thankyou Mahal, I love you so soooo much". It was a theatrical response and she had never spoken to me this way before.

In July of 2013 she told me that her and the family were getting thrown out of their house in a month's time but when I went over in the November they were still there. Another time she told me her mum had lost thousands of peso's on a jeepney. Everything started clicking.

I tested her out to be sure when I went over next telling her I was losing my job (I made that up btw). Within two months contact ceased altogether. The last thing she mentioned was being robbed of her laptop and someone else's wages. LOL. The shit they come up with.
This tells me that you are picky, too. You are happy to give a Filipina the benefit of the doubt when trying out a relationship, with little risk on your side (I assume you were travelling around in the Philippines and of course you enjoyed being accompanied by a sexy young girl). When it comes to a long-term relationship, that "ring around her finger" you mentioned, it was your right to give her a few more tests, which - by the sound of it - she failed.

So where's the criticism, if you are that cautious and selective yourself?
There needs to be a fair degree of caution obviously. What do you mean by "little risk" anyway?

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Re: Advice: Find a wife that's easygoing, caring and humble

Post by publicduende » September 2nd, 2017, 4:58 pm

Zambales wrote:There needs to be a fair degree of caution obviously. What do you mean by "little risk" anyway?
The same caution that a man does not usually exercise when looking for a woman back home. I can say a lot of bad stuff about women in the UK and Italy (can't comment on the US, obviously), but one thing I have to admit is that, if they do fall in love with you, the idea of using you as an open wallet - beyond what they consider chivalry and good manners - ranks pretty low in their priority list.

With Filipinas, it's always crystal clear to "let's give her the benefit of the doubt", and in the latter case the agenda comes across pretty soon. I understand that, having only spent face-to-face time with your girl when you were over here (10%, you say), her true colours took three years to manifest.

I can assure you that, unless one is completely and permanently pu**y-blinded, they will never take more than a few weeks to a few months, at most, to find out. Of course finding out that your "oh so in love" girlfriend is ready to dump you if you stop being of purpose to her family and herself, is not the most pleasant of realisations. This is why most men prefer to ignore this thought and keep it in the backburner for so long, perhaps for years. After all, life is so sweet, the people so warm, like the weather. For a 50-something retiree with not much more to look forward to than having s*x with a girl 20+ years younger, still sporting a pleasant and slender body, and taking the occasional island hopping tour, the Philippines must really look like paradise.

For a man who still wants to prove something in life and - given a choice - still eager to have an intellectual connection with any person he meets and interacts with, the same country is nothing short of a nightmare. Especially when he realises that most of the local intelligentsia will be lukewarm-to-reluctant to mingle with foreigners unless they absolutely have to.

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Re: Advice: Find a wife that's easygoing, caring and humble

Post by Zambales » September 2nd, 2017, 7:39 pm

publicduende wrote:
Zambales wrote:There needs to be a fair degree of caution obviously. What do you mean by "little risk" anyway?
I can assure you that, unless one is completely and permanently pu**y-blinded, they will never take more than a few weeks to a few months, at most, to find out. Of course finding out that your "oh so in love" girlfriend is ready to dump you if you stop being of purpose to her family and herself, is not the most pleasant of realisations. This is why most men prefer to ignore this thought and keep it in the backburner for so long, perhaps for years. After all, life is so sweet, the people so warm, like the weather. For a 50-something retiree with not much more to look forward to than having s*x with a girl 20+ years younger, still sporting a pleasant and slender body, and taking the occasional island hopping tour, the Philippines must really look like paradise.


Considering I didn't actually meet her until five months from our initial contact online, it's kind of difficult to gauge someone based solely on Skype conversations, don't you think? Not all scammers will show their cards early doors. Some do play the waiting game and will pull you into a false sense of security by pretending to be the perfect partner. It's a ploy that many guys are unaware of.

Then, there's the family to get to know. Skype maybe a wonderful tool but it won't give you the lowdown on Nanay and Tatay and the rest of the tribe, I'm afraid.

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Re: Advice: Find a wife that's easygoing, caring and humble

Post by publicduende » September 2nd, 2017, 10:14 pm

Zambales wrote:
publicduende wrote:
Zambales wrote:There needs to be a fair degree of caution obviously. What do you mean hi by "little risk" anyway?
I can assure you that, unless one is completely and permanently pu**y-blinded, they will never take more than a few weeks to a few months, at most, to find out. Of course finding out that your "oh so in love" girlfriend is ready to dump you if you stop being of purpose to her family and herself, is not the most pleasant of realisations. This is why most men prefer to ignore this thought and keep it in the backburner for so long, perhaps for years. After all, life is so sweet, the people so warm, like the weather. For a 50-something retiree with not much more to look forward to than having s*x with a girl 20+ years younger, still sporting a pleasant and slender body, and taking the occasional island hopping tour, the Philippines must really look like paradise.


Considering I didn't actually meet her until five months from our initial contact online, it's kind of difficult to gauge someone based solely on Skype conversations, don't you think? Not all scammers will show their cards early doors. Some do play the waiting game and will pull you into a false sense of security by pretending to be the perfect partner. It's a ploy that many guys are unaware of.

Then, there's the family to get to know. Skype maybe a wonderful tool but it won't give you the lowdown on Nanay and Tatay and the rest of the tribe, I'm afraid.
I agree. Some might think that, by living here, I have been privileged to meet all of my dates in person. If we were talking about a large number of quality girls then yes, it would have been an absolute pleasure, if not a privilege, to meet them and get to know them, meet their families and friends and catch more nuances about who they are, who they care for and what drives them.

Alas, there is no such depth of field in the Philippines. All the girls are inevitably happy to give you a free dates and free s*x for a few days or weeks. By the time you meet their families, because they ask you to as a pre-requisite to start a relationship with them, most of the cards are all on the table, face up. You see that the coveted "simple life" consists in little more than grabbing every opportunity to hold some extra cash and spend them on immediate needs. By immediate needs I don't mean college books or tuition, or maybe - God forbids - saving them for a rainy day. I mean fiestas with lechon, or a day trip to the beach all together.

Filipinos are wonderfully gregarious and they will share every little blessing they have with their family. If one of their girls brings a Kano, he is a shared blessing. He may get to enjoy the girl alone and in private, but everything else is shared. I used to be fascinated by this behaviour and find it noble and romantic. Not anymore. It's just a sweetened-up form of leeching. I see they do it with anyone who exhibits a little bit of extra money, whether they're family, friends and colleagues, or neighborhood. Not for me, sorry. That's why, these days, I am staying away from any girl who I am not boldly interested in. And for the past 3 months, there hasn't been a single young woman who could trigger the faintest bit of interest.

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Re: Advice: Find a wife that's easygoing, caring and humble

Post by Falcon » November 24th, 2017, 7:20 pm

Duende, see my post at the end of the 1st page of this thread:
viewtopic.php?f=16&t=35485

African Friends and Money Matters.
Might as well call it Filipino Peasant Friends and Money Matters.

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Re: Advice: Find a wife that's easygoing, caring and humble

Post by Falcon » November 24th, 2017, 7:23 pm

I'm still with the Thai woman that I had met about 2 years ago. She is easygoing, caring, and humble. I'm making a living in Chiang Mai and am enjoying my new family life.

My daughter is now in 2nd grade.

Yes, she is somewhat older, but it all feels surprisingly normal, and no one looks at us or even notices in public.

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