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A Complete Dating Guide To Mainland Chinese Women

Discuss culture, living, traveling, relocating, dating or anything related to the Asian countries - China, The Philippines, Thailand, etc.

Moderators: jamesbond, fschmidt

Postby kai1275 » Thu Sep 05, 2013 11:20 pm

Winston wrote:Kai,
A guy I met on Couchsurfing told me this about mainland Chinese women. What do you think? Is it true? Why did he have these experiences?

Which leads me to China...I can't speak for Taiwan, which I know you don't favor, but I can say that my experience in China wasn't positive at all. Yes, women were FAR more feminine there than here, and yes I was an exotic, a "catch"...but I found an underlying culture of money-lusting that was even more suffocating than in the US. The lust for money at any cost is THE motivating factor there, and it was at the base of most of my interactions with the Chinese. I respect kindness, modesty and compassion, and in China all of those are seen as weakness. I can tell you more if we meet, with some examples to help my case.

As it is, I am grateful for my time there, as it made me more appreciative of modest Filipinos, and of course for my fiance. And, for that, too, I will post to your forums, which is a good idea. I should spread the good word!


Heh. There is definitely a little bit of truth to that, but to make a blanket statement about all the women there being like that, but many are not like that at all! You are more likely to run into what I call "High Apathy" Chinese girls. Those could care less about pretty much everything! In fact they remind me of the "soul-less" Taiwan girls you told us about.

Chinese are extremely practical. It is too easy to misread the women as greedy or as a gold digger if you have no idea why or how they look at money. On the surface, certain activities look primitive and obsessive, but many would weigh life quality higher over money. Chinese are super aggressive about saving money. Also it really depends upon the age and the maturity level. Big City folks are more likely to be legitimately greedy than someone from a smaller city.

There is no simple way to describe it really. I thought the same thing that guy did many years ago, but after a few years, I realized that I misunderstood them completely. Let's try and break down some factors:

1. They have to care a lot about money there because many around them are simply getting rich because they have the right friend (guanxi). Ever see someone driving home a S500 Mercedes Benz in a farmland rural region in the US? No. Because you can live anywhere you want in the US. Hukoben restricts you. So if your neighborhood school buddies banded together to make money, you want in on that too right?

2. They have really bad society controls! I could write a book on how terrible the traffic and police system is in China. You need to have plenty of cash in case you have a car crash or accidentally hurt someone. Living in China can be pretty hazardous in some ways! No insurance usually for these things, so you must have cash! Lots of it!

3. Quite a few things have high costs upfront. Like your school tuition fees. Cellphones, cars, business expenses, medical costs, having a 2nd child, etc. That is why I mentioned that they are super aggressive about saving cash. They don't "thrive" on debt like Americans do. The downside to that, is that you should be frugal and get whatever you can in case of an emergency.

4. Chinese like to lend money to others. Here is the catch though. There are 2 kinds of lenders. They "Jewish kind" and the "non-Jewish" kinds. MANY give money to family and friends, sometimes even strangers for no interest at all. Some are into usury, but the rates or the catch is usually so low that would make your average American say, "THAT'S ALL?!!!" :lol: I'm not kidding. It's usually some 1-5% interest or something.

5. Chinese hate wasteful spending, but like any real human, they can be hypocrites too. Spending money on stuff they think is worth it....

6. China is a super fast growing country. So like the American Gold Rushes in the past that made many many white people here in the US, rich for many generations, Chinese are trying to cash in on the many opportunities today. There are now 2 million, millionaires! More than America! Chinese are breaking into every industry they can find. If there was gold literally pouring out of the streams in American forests again, you can bet your ass I would be there too! Some people are still mining gold here but that costs money to start that among other things... Over there, it is who you know (guanxi). Someone (usually relatives) else will lend you money to get started, no big deal.

7. Traditionally Chinese women control the money usually. The women are very involved and interested in their husbands finances as well. Just because they are holding the money does not necessarily mean that they are the ones making the big decisions on the money either. That is still always the man. Just because an American woman tells you she would never steal your money etc. or mentions money to you, does not mean that is true. A typical Chinese woman will never run off with your money like an American would. So their questions and concerns are actually legitimately care about you and the family because they have the mentality that, if you fail, they will fail as well and lose a lot of face.

Remember when dealing with your average Chinese person, that everything is about face. You could be married to a woman that thinks you are disgusting but would never leave you or treat you badly because her she and her family would lose face and be humiliated. They will only leave you if you treat them like shit. Some even do not mind you having whores on the side, just don't bring them back home with you.

8. Chinese do not treat other Chinese and Laowai well outside their family. Chinese people are tooo afraid of being sued by someone, so they will not help someone hurting/dying in the street usually. It's very f***ing sad and one of the reasons why I do not recommend living there. Chinese people drown all the time too. No one knows how to swim and will refuse to rescue anyone usually. A woman being beaten in the street by her husband is ignored unless blood is everywhere, then someone might call the police to break it up.

They just got a new Good Samaritan Law a few weeks ago, because their new president is trying to change how they treat each other. Because of this problem, matters involving money in any capacity tend to get uglier and look uglier than it would in a Western country. A terrible example would be something like a recent story of a driver of a big truck that hit a lady riding a motorcycle. Instead of helping her out from under the truck, he got back into his truck and drove off, crushing her instead. The reason why he did this is because he wanted to avoid paying compensation for the accident, even though technically the bike rider may had been at fault! This is one of the worst stories this year, not common at all, but I bring it up to describe the issues their laws and system have.

In China, if anyone is injured in an accident regardless of fault, you must pay for them for all their medical bills! Again, their system is pretty stupid, so while it is easy to slam them as people, much of their system is of a 3rd World caliber, despite the 1st world money flying around. If America had 3rd world laws and system, many of us would be dead and life here would be much shorter than the average of 74, because we have worse values as a base society than they do.

Anyway, they treat each other badly in public at least. Pushing, fighting, shoving, disregard for other people's safety all because they could lose all of their life's savings or just too much money. Kinda like how doctors in the US can loose too much due to malpractice suits, insurance, etc. So their response to us is to raise the prices at their offices to cover it all. Can't blame them for it really...

Some girls are indeed immature (usually the 26 and under ones) and are materialistic. Some 40 year old ones are like this too! Thing is that if they are bad like this, you will find out pretty quickly. You can even give them a little cash to see what they will do with it. I used to do that as a test on Chinese women's maturity level, but I know many guys here would not do this, lol. The funny thing I learned was that even if they were a little immature, some of them still would have done what I told them to do (*cough* leadership)....eh oh well, I love the one I have better because I don't have to do any of that with her.

That was a good question Winston. I am glad you asked about that because a couple others like Magnum, had some of these issues recently. Let me know if that helps or not. Explaining this is not easy at all and is rather complex at first.
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Postby zboy1 » Fri Sep 06, 2013 2:16 am

2. They have really bad society controls! I could write a book on how terrible the traffic and police system is in China. You need to have plenty of cash in case you have a car crash or accidentally hurt someone. Living in China can be pretty hazardous in some ways! No insurance usually for these things, so you must have cash! Lots of it!


Yes. Case in point: My White ESL teacher friend that I came with on the flight from JFK (and recruited by the same company), was shouted down and threatened by a Taxi driver for 'supposedly making a scratch on the back of the car,' when he took out his luggage out of the trunk.

Supposedly...or should I say allegedly...my friend states he did nothing of that sort. The taxi driver demanded money for compensation. The recruiting company had to be called-up and he ended up paying the cab driver 200 yuan for the supposed 'accident.' What nonsense. It was done because the cab driver saw an opportunity to milk a 'rich White foreigner' for all his worth. I told him it was B.S. and we both laughed about it afterwards...

Still, the few days we were in China, we both liked what we saw and felt excited to be in the country. Don't let a few bad instances ruin your views about a particular country. Because...after all...the same kinds of things happen in the USA and other Western countries sometimes...
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Postby xiongmao » Fri Sep 06, 2013 2:27 am

Yeah, Chinese people are crazy for money. Although if you have money then you'll be able to keep your Chinese girl. If your money runs out then so might your girl.

It's important to weed out shopaholics though. I didn't actually date many of these, they're kind of easy to weed out before meeting them in real life.

I'll also add that Thailand has far worse shopaholics than China has.

And the good thing is that plenty of Chinese women have their own money. Not met any rich women in Thailand yet - most don't seem to have enough to even top up their phone balances.
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Postby kai1275 » Fri Sep 06, 2013 2:30 am

zboy1 wrote:
2. They have really bad society controls! I could write a book on how terrible the traffic and police system is in China. You need to have plenty of cash in case you have a car crash or accidentally hurt someone. Living in China can be pretty hazardous in some ways! No insurance usually for these things, so you must have cash! Lots of it!


Yes. Case in point: My White ESL teacher friend that I came with on the flight from JFK (and recruited by the same company), was shouted down and threatened by a Taxi driver for 'supposedly making a scratch on the back of the car,' when he took out his luggage out of the trunk.

Supposedly...or should I say allegedly...my friend states he did nothing of that sort. The taxi driver demanded money for compensation. The recruiting company had to be called-up and he ended up paying the cab driver 200 yuan for the supposed 'accident.' What nonsense. It was done because the cab driver saw an opportunity to milk a 'rich White foreigner' for all his worth. I told him it was B.S. and we both laughed about it afterwards...

Still, the few days we were in China, we both liked what we saw and felt excited to be in the country. Don't let a few bad instances ruin your views about a particular country. Because...after all...the same kinds of things happen in the USA and other Western countries sometimes...


Next time call the police and tell them that the cab driver tried to cheat you out of money. He will drive off quickly. Problem gone.

Just like America. First person to call the cops wins.
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Postby kai1275 » Fri Sep 06, 2013 2:37 am

xiongmao wrote:Yeah, Chinese people are crazy for money. Although if you have money then you'll be able to keep your Chinese girl. If you stop working, then any girl will leave you.

It's important to weed out shopaholics though. I didn't actually date many of these, they're kind of easy to weed out before meeting them in real life.

I'll also add that Thailand has far worse shopaholics than China has.

And the good thing is that plenty of Chinese women have their own money. Not met any rich women in Thailand yet - most don't seem to have enough to even top up their phone balances.


Fix'd that for you mate. :wink:
Last edited by kai1275 on Fri Sep 20, 2013 12:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Winston » Fri Sep 20, 2013 10:16 am

Kai,
Thanks for your answers. I have another question.

How many times do you go out with a Chinese girl before you can start trying to hold her hand or try to get physical? Even friendly Chinese girls seem prudish at first in terms of body language. What's the rule and policy that they follow in this area?

They don't even seem to like to hug. How do you escalate affection?

How do you know if she even likes you? Do the same body language rules that apply to women in general apply to them too?

Should you look for basic signs like if she takes your arm or walks close to you? If they aren't there, is there any way to create interest or chemistry or use any seduction techniques?

Thanks.
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Postby kai1275 » Fri Sep 20, 2013 2:54 pm

Winston wrote:Kai,
Thanks for your answers. I have another question.

How many times do you go out with a Chinese girl before you can start trying to hold her hand or try to get physical? Even friendly Chinese girls seem prudish at first in terms of body language. What's the rule and policy that they follow in this area?

They don't even seem to like to hug. How do you escalate affection?

How do you know if she even likes you? Do the same body language rules that apply to women in general apply to them too?

Should you look for basic signs like if she takes your arm or walks close to you? If they aren't there, is there any way to create interest or chemistry or use any seduction techniques?

Thanks.


1. That is a tough one to say for sure, but let me drop some good game techniques, Chinese Style, for you. (Caution: Use on mainlanders (or born in China) women!)

A) The basic rule of thumb is ~3 dates if there is no physical touch or interest of any kind, she is either flaky, indecisive, or too worried about face or what her family (dad) is going to say about you.

B) Here is a GOOD tip you can use. When out on a date with one you really like, be sure to smile big first. Then sit next to her. The restaurant wont work. Be somewhere else! Theatre and shows are perfect or a park, etc. Get closer to her and talk in her ear. (Make sure your breath doesn't stink or you will ruin it!!!!). Make sure the breath is hitting the back of that ear. Yes accuracy does matter. Jokes are even better for this. See what happens to her body language if you accidentally touch her ear with your lips. *wink wink* If she brought a friend, tease her about her friend by doing that too. Even talk business, work, career stuff like this. If she really likes you she will stick kinda close to you and if she REALLY likes you she will get much closer. Like touching you. If that happens, you win. The rest will be easy.

C) Hand holding can be SERIOUS or friendzone shit. Depends upon the girl, where she is from, her personality, etc. If you can hold hands with them too often and too quickly, you should find other ways to find out how interested they are in you. The younger ones are the hardest to gauge like this, which is why I don't have a perfect answer on this.

D) In general, affectionate touching in public is considered rude in China. The only ones that do that in public these days are the really young ones with their same age boyfriends. They make 25+ and older Chinese on the subway roll their eyes.... :roll: Even then, that shit is tame compared to America or the West. You will be extremely hard-pressed to find Chinese couples kissing in public. This is a huge loss of face and may make her feel like a whore in public.

E) No one hugs in China. My wife told me AFTER we got back home, how funny I was hugging everyone! :oops: I was only hugging relatives! She said, I should have just hugged mom and maybe dad. Wow.... makes sense though. I actually don't like to hug people in the US even my own family. When I asked my wife why she did not tell me not to do that she said, "They know Westerners love doing that kind of thing and wanted to be nice to you." -___-

Anyway stick to ear talking, light and gentle hand touches (two or 3 fingers on the top of her hand), and being smooth-ish. Create the attraction/excitement first, cement the bond later. Lay off the hugging unless she offers one. Many of the "Western Style Body language cues actually do not apply to Chinese women. Remember that they are practical right? Use that to your advantage. Initially you can be direct, honest, and blunt. Don't show off the weird/un-orthodox parts of your personality. Save that for later. Since you are naturally a positive person focus on having good chats and fun and you should be fine. I'm very pessimist, so I struggled alot with that at first, but when I got into a groove it was very easy.

Advanced techniques are things like taking advantage of them culturally and manipulating their natural jealousy to make you irresistible to them. Many of these things are pretty sneaky. I cannot 100% guarantee success with these but perhaps 1 or 2 of these might work if you do this confidently, as if you are a Chinese man yourself. It makes them feel more respect towards you. Also good because you can quickly show them that you are not stupid and tricked easily because you understand Chinese culture.

1. Asking them to cook something for you.
2. Ask them to bring/give you more rice while eating.
3. Ask them to give you some of the food by having them put it into your mouth. (this one is harder because you have to make that suggestion with body language and asking in a non-rude way.) Kinda hard to do it.
4. Tickling them (Threaten to do it first, like for a punishment for a silly mistake)
5. Pick them up and carry them over your shoulder or on your chest. (In Chinese culture this means you love her a lot) (You might want to threaten to do this first before actually doing it.)(The younger the better obviously...)
6. Talking about other Chinese female friends or your main Chinese girlfriend. (believe it or not, you might get an offer for sex on the spot.....) (Still very risky if used against any legit 8-10 with alot of upside and maturity)
7. Acting like her dad does. Mimic his mannerisms. (Hard to perfect unless you really know the woman's feelings about her dad) (Also a little hard if her dad is a really bad jerk)
8. Being more involved and having more expectations with Chinese culture activities and holidays than she is.
9. Taking charge when they are wrong and telling them (gou) which means enough woman.
10. Encourage her to listen to her mom or dad more, especially if they are on your side too.
11. "A Game/Grade A" dick strokes, extremely passionate love making, without a condom, while kissing their bodies and neck with slow tongue strokes, very lite biting, 3-4+ points of touching contact at all times, multiple body jolting vagi.nal (not clitoral) orgas.ms (like 10 in a row in 10 mins!), deep loving embraces, even telling them you want them to have your baby... *(Sounds like something Irizarry would say or do, but there is a lot of truth to these crazy things.)

-Warning- Do not use the techniques past number 6 if you are not serious enough to want to marry her. Otherwise you can cause a mess with a woman that will develop serious attachment issues. That could even get you in trouble with local police via her pissed off parents...

Last points: Be silly with them early on. Do funny quirky stuff. They have a great sense of humor but you gotta pull it out to its maximum potential with spontaneous silliness. For example, I just thought about looking for a feather so I can sneak up on my wife later and tickle her with it. She probably will try to run, but she will be laughing alot. Which is the point. Be quirky with romance and keep it consistent. They expect and want that from a Westerner and can only wish a Chinese guy would pick them up off their feet someday..
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Postby xiongmao » Fri Sep 20, 2013 4:25 pm

Held hands with a couple of Chinese girls on the first date. Now if there's no hand holding by the end of the second date then I call it a day.

Some girls are more into the whole hand holding thing than others. Usually you get a good girlfriend experience from those who do.

Talking to girls about other girls is risky but all those game guys agree that you've got to make it look like other girls like you. Proceed with caution as our stupid man brains can mess up big time here.

I should go back to China some time, the Thai dating scene isn't up to China's standards. But it's good to hang around here for a while.

One thing I find encouraging is that I've remembered a fair bit of Chinese. I chatted to a Chinese girl on wechat the other day, and managed to find out quite a bit about her.
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Postby kai1275 » Mon Oct 14, 2013 11:00 pm

Last Update:

So far, life is amazing. My wife is beyond awesome. Life is like that Jay Z song. 99 Problems but a Bitc.h ain't One basically. Everyday I have amazing support and food to eat. I am much healthier than before she got here and happy.

Nothing has changed. She does everything here she did in China. This is one of the knuckleheaded things alot of guys rant about here on HA, despite never having brought a wife back to the West...:roll: There is a reason why there are Chinatowns all over the world. Chinese people are VERY set in their ways. They don't get "Americanized". I probably here the following phrase out of my wife's mouth: "You know in China,...." about every 3 hours or so. She brings China here basically. In fact I have talking more to find out how others have fared as well, and it is more or less the same thing. Chinese men with Chinese wives and Americans with Chinese wives.

In fact, some of the Chinese women that have done the K1 Visa about the same time as us, have struggled adapting to things their stupid American husbands are demanding them to become America-wise.

Idiots. Most of them.

I have offered to speak with some of these older white men to help them out, usually that is what they are, but none have taken me up on my offer yet. One was given a link to this website and my guide. Hopefully he can come in here and gain some of the more mainstream knowledge and ideology of the HA members (such as not wanting a Westernized FW!!!! Which defeats the f***ing purpose!). Some hate chinese food and want them to cook American shit, believe it or not. Some get angry because the girls have installed Chinese character software on the computers, and none of them have absolutely no knowledge of Chinese culture, language, and history! One jackass took his young wife (mid 20's), (he is 40 something) to a fu*cking strip club! Ridiculous! The young girl was humiliated and very upset! Some men corrupt their own women...... American men I tell ya.....Pure Garbage....

The women are nervous, confused, angry with them, and not sure what to do. Sigh. Tsk Tsk...

Anyway, freshly immigrated Chinese women are still Chinese women. They are not changing. That is good or bad, but for 90% of HA guys, that is VERY good news. Only American born Chinese are Americanized. Super-rich ones are just simply spoiled rotten and flaky as hell. Still very Chinese though, not all but damn near all of them.

I just updated my guide to include photos of women based on region as a reference. This should help some of you guys target or pinpoint what physical things you would like on Chinese women.

After this update I will not be posting on HA anymore. I will check back to tie up loose ends but after this week definitely no more posting. I have shared all I know all over the place anyway. Time to move on, work is ramping up big time, we are starting a family, and I have business/career ambitions that require the bulk of my free time. Do a search in the HA search tool with my name to find my old posts if you need them. If you want to contact me. Send me a PM. No guarantees I will reply back. Anyone that has been asking me questions and needed my help will be given my email address.

I am passing the torch. Time for someone else to keep these dreams alive and provide fresh information and advice.

Good Luck and God Bless.
-Kai
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Postby zboy1 » Tue Oct 15, 2013 3:46 am

Thanks for writing the guide so that other people can benefit by reading it, Kai. Good luck on your future endeavors and I hope everything goes well with you and your family...
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Postby Winston » Tue Oct 29, 2013 1:39 pm

Kai,
A few quick questions.

If a Chinese girl says that you are "nice" or her "friend" does it have the same negative connotation that it does in America?

As I understand it, "nice" is usually a positive word in other countries, whereas in America, if a woman says it, it means that she has nothing good to say about you and isn't attracted to you, but doesn't want to be mean, so she just uses the word "nice".

And in Asia, a good friendship is supposed to be a foundation to a relationship, so it's not a negative thing necessarily. It's not like in America where if she "friend-zones" you, it means she doesn't want to date you and has put you into a non-romantic category, probably permanently.

Am I right?

If so, how do you know if a Chinese woman is interested in you romantically or not? Are there signals and words she uses to signify her real interest?
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Postby kai1275 » Tue Oct 29, 2013 3:29 pm

Winston wrote:Kai,
A few quick questions.

If a Chinese girl says that you are "nice" or her "friend" does it have the same negative connotation that it does in America?

As I understand it, "nice" is usually a positive word in other countries, whereas in America, if a woman says it, it means that she has nothing good to say about you and isn't attracted to you, but doesn't want to be mean, so she just uses the word "nice".

And in Asia, a good friendship is supposed to be a foundation to a relationship, so it's not a negative thing necessarily. It's not like in America where if she "friend-zones" you, it means she doesn't want to date you and has put you into a non-romantic category, probably permanently.

Am I right?

If so, how do you know if a Chinese woman is interested in you romantically or not? Are there signals and words she uses to signify her real interest?


1. Nice means nice. It's good overall. Chinese women usually do not lie like that. Only a very young and very immature one would do something like that, perhaps 16-20. I rarely talked to Chinese women that age, but none of them come off as flaky in that regard at least. If they bother to tell you this, they mean it.

2. Chinese women have literally no real concept, let alone awareness, of "Friendzone". That is corrupted trash from America.

3. Some few might have "backups", which is basically like they have 2-4 love interests, all of which are so-so men, and neither is a much better man than the others. A 7-9 woman can have 3-4 guys she chats with and hangs out with, that she is pretty much dating or toying with. These guys are probably 3-5 looks, a so-so job 5-8,000RMB-ish, with personalities to match. She wants better but for whatever many reasons, she just does not have that, so she resorts to straddling the fence with those.

4. Chinese women will quickly get rid of a weak prospect for a better one, if the advantage is pretty great. This is good and bad, depending upon your own views. If they are struggling with a man who is an overall 5 in all aspects of life, and an 8 comes along, they will not keep that 5 "hanging on a string". Magnum found this out the hard way. All women are like this everywhere I think with little variation. Chinese women just wont string your hopes along and secretly inviting you to a wedding as a friend, like an American woman would. They take shit like that way too far. Down right demonic.

5. Chinese women that consider you a friend instead of a "potential lover", are doing so out of safety and a lack of imagination. It is not uncommon for a Chinese woman that is interested in you to ask when are you going to come visit China (in hopes you will come see her DUH). The more mature ones usually ask you this because it is safe enough of a clue to use without sounding like a slut. Many cannot imagine or believe that you are "so awesome" from over the internet. Chinese women are a tad skeptic naturally due to being overly practical. Once they see you in person, they might wanna f**k you right where you stand. Only the ones you build a relationship up with online can display strong strong interest and usually they wont do that unless you tell them or show them exclusivity (i.e. You are my girlfriend).


So to quickly recap.

- You have to get to know them a lot better in order to get something more than "nice". That means you must continue to have good communication. She speaking good enough english and or you learning enough Chinese to fill in a few gaps here and there.
- The way you know they are interested is body language, big smiles, bashful/flushed face + smile, and they ask you when are you going to come to China or to come visit them. Also: They ask you have you eaten yet, isn't it time for bed yet?, they ask you if there is something they can do for you, offer to cook for you, they ask you questions about your health, etc. If they did not care, they would never ask. Seriously. It's that simple.
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Postby kai1275 » Tue Oct 29, 2013 3:43 pm

Another thing I forgot to mention that my wife reminded me about is that in China, the better men have so many different options in China, that is it not in the best interest of Chinese women to act like that. If they find someone they really like they must put forth a good effort to get him before it is too late.
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Postby RedMenace » Tue Oct 29, 2013 4:36 pm

Oh. I think the female I am dealing with pretty much displays most of these behaviours. She always asks what she can do for me and always tells me to eat at set times, e.t.c I now understand why she sometimes tries to hold back the desires because she doesnt want to look like a slut. I am sure she will show her freakyness *wink* when I meet her in China.
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Postby maxtazm » Thu Dec 19, 2013 7:02 am

ya there is no friend zone in china. If she's on a date with you you can take her home. And usually i at least kissed a every girl on the first date when i was in china. good times.
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