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I am wondering about some of your criteria for rejecting women. Why would a 19-year-old not fighting back against her mother beating her be a deal-breaker? If she let her mother beat her, she might let her husband beat her. If you donâ€™t want to beat your wife (hopefully) would it be so bad to be with a girl who would be so committed to her husband that she wouldnâ€™t leave if he beat her?
There could be a downside if she would not respect you or submit to you if you did not beat her or spank her, or if she were harsh with your children later on. Dealing with the mother-in-law could be difficult, too. Also, was she doing something wrong that her mother beat her, or does her mother just resort to violence when she is displeased with something?
As far as the belief in ghosts is concerned, you probably grew up learning from Scooby Doo that there were no ghosts. Maybe authority figures taught you that as well. She may have grown up with authority figures telling her that there are ghosts. I was surprised at the different world view in Indonesia. I heard of a flying severed head vampire monster that some villagers believed in. I was surprised that the people in my office that I asked about it, adults, believed in these monsters. Some of the people offer food to the dead, too, so of course they think the ghosts hang around to accept the sacrifices.
My wife and I have generally had very similar beliefs about these sorts of things because we share our faith in common which gives us a common belief system. Still, there are differences in a number of things, related to health for example. You may encounter those differences with other Vietnamese women. You might marry one, and come to find out, she believes in ghosts and all kinds of other things you had not anticipated. She may have some strange ideas about traditional medicine for the kids. Indonesians think that rubbing euchalyptus oil on a babyâ€™s stomach is going to help with a cold or stomach ache. Some Indonesians scrape a sick personâ€™s skin with a coin to let the wind out. The Vietnamese probably have some ideas you will think are strange.
This is my concern. Men like me have to suffer because of idiots, fools, and assholes who came before. White men in Asia have reputations as mongers. Because most of them are mongers, even trying to corrupt good potential future wives. And that shows everyone just how much they don't give a shit about f***ing over others.
It depends where you are looking... many of these Western guys in Asia are starting with the sentence 'I met her in a bar' 'My bargirl is different' and similar BS.
Men from USA are often under time-pressure, USA has very short vacation, and there are other criteria too, like visa, health issues, religion etc. It is not so easy for a Western foreigner to live in Asia and it is often not so easy to bring a foreign woman back to some Western countries either.
About Asian females, it depends about which country we are talking, it also depends if you speak the local language or not - not so important in Philippines and Malaysia - people from these both countries often have some knowledge of English - but elsewhere? There are many Asian women who cannot speak English at all. How to communicate with them?
I don't think it is so difficult for a non-Asian man to find an Asian woman, this is especially true if the Western man has a good job and is already living in Asia for longstay and not as a tourist.
My personal opinion is it is better for the Western man to live with an Asian woman in Asia - do not bring Asian women back to USA or EU.
I don't think this is the case for Indonesia in southeast asia. if you hang out in the party areas where ex-pats hang out and pick up chicks, you may experience this. But if you work there and meet a woman on the job, through friends, or at church this slutty factor may not be the case.
Yes, a slut. She isn't going to find a decent Vietnamese husband.
This one sounds like a potential keeper. See, for example the movie Holly: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0419815/
Even though her parents were mean to her and sold her into prostitution in another country, she still wants to support them financially. Par for the course.
I found Thi Hua too sheepish, though she was nice and kind. I would have really admired her if she stood up to her mum and peer pressure. She is 19 and still plays with plush toys etc. A little too childish..... Besides, she told me she aspires to live in Toronto, Canada.
She really hit some points that I cannot compromise on (ex: Anglosphere, submitting to her abusive mum, succumbing to peer pressure). I can be very rigid when it comes to certain things. My mentor / future adoptive father and expat David said she's somewhat unbalanced for her age. Like come on! A 19 year old that still sleeps with her mum???
There are all kinds of women out there. I think it's reasonable to want a woman who is smart in her own way.
One thing I think is overemphasized is having a lot of things in common. My wife is from a different country. We do have our faith in common and came from very similar church backgrounds, minus national cultural differences. It is good to have religious beliefs, values, and ethics in common. We have a common source for expectations of husbands and wives. That is a very good thing.
But as far as having musical interests in common, why is that important? If I liked rock and my wife liked country, we don't have to listen to music in the car. And those buttons with numbers are there so you can easily change the channel on the car radio. If I liked to discuss philosophy or politics, that's something you can have male friends for. I'd rather have a wife whose kind, who can cook, wants to take care of the home. It's great if your wife can discuss the same intellectual topics you do. You should have things you can talk about with ease and enjoy each other's company. But you don't have to have every interest in common.
Giving in to peer pressure? Maybe that's a problem if peers want her to do something bad (e.g. new Maury Povich audience style girlfriends that tell her to leave you if she'd married you.) She's really young and she can grow out of that.
Letting her mom abuse her? What does she do? Beat her? Spank her? That shows that she honors father and mother and submits to authority.
There is a plus side. If you were her authority (husband) she might submit nearly absolutely to her if you pushed a bit for submission. If you married a woman who would still be loyal to you and submit to you even if you beat her, then she might be faithful if you are a nice decent guy who doesn't beat her. But on the other hand, she might have learned to only respect and follow authority figures who beat or spank her, which would be a bad scenario for you if you aren't that type of guy.
A possible downside is if she is violent toward the kids, imitating something she learned in the home.
Loyalty to parents may mean she wants to send money home. But that's typical of Vietnamese and certain other ethnicities. So you need to realize that's part of the deal. Think of a small annuity to parents every month as a bride price for marrying her.
If parents try to dabble too much in your life, you'd have to stand up to them a bit without creating division or being too disrespectful.
That is a bit childish, but she is 19, and she may grow out of it. But if a man marries a teenage girl whose the type who submits to him and lets him lead because he's older, if she's good around the home (cooks, cleans etc.) and is diligent and enthusiastic in the bedroom, couldn't he overlook some plush toys? If she had to give up the plush toys to get married, she might do that.
Okay, now, does she actually play with them and make them talk, or is she into having them as girly decorations or something to hug at night?
What do you mean? You don't want to date her because she wants to live in Toronto? She's never been in Toronto. If she's never even been in a walk-in freezer over there in her warm country, she has no idea what it's like. If she doesn't marry someone from abroad, she may end up staying in Vietnam, so if being with you but not living in whatever place you don't want to live is what you offer, she may still take it.
Does she have to agree with you that the western world is bad for you two the be compatible? Why is that? You might not be so down on the western world and western women if you had a woman of your own to love. Why would you care much if it's hard to meet women in North America?
What is wrong with an unmarried woman submitting to her parents? That is a good thing, especially if it translates into submitting to her husband and respecting him greatly later on. That's what you want. Her mom being abusive is a different issue. She may be trying to do what's right even if her mom is doing what's wrong. That could be strength of character rather than weakness of character. The problem would be if she wouldn't submit to or obey her husband if he weren't abusive toward her. If she's okay being submissive to a non-abusive husband then that may not be a problem.
If he has more information than we have, you should listen to his advice.
As long as they are just sleeping its okay. I think you should run that by some traditional Vietnamese before passing judgment. If they are from a poor part of the country, for al you know, people may have small houses and it may be common for people to pile up in a bed together. This may be okay according to her cultural norms. It may not signal immaturity for them. The ghost comment may indicate she has some fear. Belief in ghosts and fear of them is common in some parts of the world. My office co-workers believed in a flying-head witchdoctor vampire when I asked them about this cultural belief from one of the islands in Indonesia. These were educated people.
I am certainly non-abusive though I can occasionally get pushy when in a passionate conversation. Now submitting to physical abuse / emotional abuse in one package and not standing up for herself at all shows a sign that she lacks a certain kind of energy. And as you mentioned, she may use these methods on the kids.
About plush toys, all that I know of was that she slept with them and hugged them etc. They gave her a sense of security. She has her own bedroom.
Spirits, perhaps I went too far on this one. I am actually Christian (been one for two years) and the Bible says so-called ghosts are demonic presences.
Honor does not mean accepting your environment. Did Christ respect the Pharisees because they were authority? No, He lashed out at them. When people told Christ that His parents and relatives were looking for Him, He said that people of God are His true family. One must deserve honor. Shared genetics does not bring any obligation to automatically show respect. One must earn it.
I think it's attainable if you play a numbers game. You may have to meet 100 women before you meet the right one. As has been pointed out before on this forum, searching for a high quality woman is like having a part time job.
I think western men grow up in cultures where they are taught not to be judgemental about a woman's sexual history. This is due to the influence of feminism: women should suffer no negative consequences from behaving promiscuoulsy. So western men that arrive in Asia meet a bar girl and think that it's okay that she has possibly slept with hundred or thousands of other men. I think that it would be hard to have a sincere relationship with a woman in that industry. Bar girls have learned to be very deceitful. They have learned to be very good actresses. They have learned to make a fat, balding grandpa feel like he's God's gift to women. You may never know what a bar girl's true feelings about you are until it's too late.
Some western men are wiser. Listen to some of the podcasts on this website. I think Rock has found happiness in the Philippines because he's very selective about the women he dates.
I think racial minority men attract the attention of sluts in any country, I'm not sure why. However, the non-sluts just auction off their tits to the highest bidder which in a twisted sense of logic is considered to be more honourable because of men's preference for marrying gold diggers over sluts.