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Discuss culture, living, traveling, relocating, dating or anything related to the Asian countries - China, The Philippines, Thailand, etc.
I'm seeking answers from people who have experience or know people who have experience.
The TL;DR of it is that I'm currently engaged to a Filipina I met online Aug '13. Yes, I was specifically seeking a foreign woman because I dated a few Korean expats in the US and I got spoiled; afterwards I tried to date a couple of Americans but I just didn't have the willpower to deal with them. Another community I post on suggested I seek foreign women online. Well I have to say, signing up on that website was a total 180 from what I'm used to on sites like OkCupid. Within a day I had a dozen messages in my inbox. It used to take months to get that many on OkCupid! I was very overwhelmed. So many beautiful women 20-25 messaging me. I thought, for sure, for sure, 90% of them are bots or something. Well I saw her, she was a little older, but there was something about her. I messaged her and she told me to add her on Skype... I thought she was a camgirl at first but she said it was so that we both knew the other person was real. So her and I started chatting on Skype and it just went from there (our relationship...). We've had our ups and downs but generally things have been good. But always in the back of my mind are all the negative things people say about these sorts of arrangements; she just wants a green card, she will divorce you once she's a citizen, she will continue to date local men in her area and you won't know about it, etcetc.
The thing is the green card part doesn't bother me at all. Honest. So what? It wouldn't be the first time a woman married a man to "move up", but that doesn't mean those marriages are doomed to failure. People used to marry out of utility, and love came later. Honestly I don't believe in marrying for love. We do that in the US and how does that turn out for us? 50% divorce rate and climbing. Marriage has no utility for us anymore, and people "fall out" of love as easily as they "fall in". You don't fall in love though, you build it, over many years of being a team.
I'm posting to ask how trustworthy are Filipinas that you meet online who are seeking foreign husbands/boyfriends? She's had 2 foreign boyfriends and 1 Filipino boyfriend. One was Singaporean, the other was from the US, but the Singaporean guy based on things she said was trying to use his money to leverage the relationship, and the US dude was basically a player who had multiple GFs that she found out about. So she's definitely batting for foreigners.
Is it all about that green card, or is that just one factor? Are they generally faithful, even when dating long distance like we are? I ask because there was an incident when I went to visit her (which was a great time for us both; we basically lived together for a month; I bought groceries and she cooked, which in and of itself was a major change for me because women my age where I'm from can't cook so I always have to do it!). She left her email logged in on her iPad when she went to work. When I went to check my email, her's popped up and one of the first 10 emails was "CherryBlossoms". I knew she had an account from before we met. I opened the email and clicked the link and it took me to CB and into her account. She had some recent (as in, within the past 2 months) photos on there and there were a couple of conversations. I read them and none of them were anything noteworthy. A few guys sent her long mails and she would just reply "thank you for the message". I confronted her when I was back in the states and she got really nervous, her face turned red and she stuttered, and eventually started crying a little. She let me log into her account but not before deleting all her mails. Her explanation was that she didn't think I was going to come (there was an issue with getting the money) and she was seeking advice. She deleted her account and I told her that this behavior was unacceptable and will not repeat in the future, and we closed the issue. This was several months ago, there have been no issues since, but combined with what people say it definitely leaves me with doubts. It's entirely possible the CB thing was completely innocent. I wouldn't say she's super bright and she can be somewhat naive... or is she just super crafty?
I am married to a Filipina I met online as well. She is very trustworthy and loyal, and on my positive experiences with her I base my judgement. I have heard horror stories before, but many, many success stories as well. And for every bad Filipina wife, there's a bad foreign boyfriend or husband ruining the reputation of foreign men abroad. I am therefore enclined to look at situations on a strictly case-by-case way.
Do you trust your fiancée? If you do, then there is no reason to doubt or second-guess yourself. If you love her and she makes you happy, I say go for it. The green-card, moving away part is extremely common, too common to really be a red flag anymore at this point. Although I am extremely glad my own wife prefers to stay in the Philippines and agrees with me moving there, rather then her moving to my country. Most men, however, for convenience sake, bring their women to their own countries of origin. A potentially risky move, but the divorce statistics of foreign brides are still quite low by Western standards, meaning she's a lot less likely to divorce you then a Western woman might be.
Filipina's in general, in my experience, are trustworthy. There's always a few rotten apples out there but they are pretty easy to spot... few are charming enough to truly make you fall for them madly. Winston Wu wrote of his experience with one particular scammer who had "bad news" written all over her and who showed an awful attitude right from the start... if your fiancée was a fraud, she'd still have dozens of white guys on her Facebook and maintain dating profiles even after getting serious with you. If she does not, assume the best.
There are a few red flags with your lady, based on your story. But when you live together physically you will be better capable of keeping an eye on her. Plus she will not have the uncertainty anymore of you not showing up, not having enough money, not being able to visit. When she has that certainty, and your constant presence, it will be the end of her online adventures one way or another. She sounds a bit naive, like you said, but surely she cannot be THAT stupid. Just be cautious, and keep an eye on her. Set up some rules. Don't avoid the tough conversations, and don't go to bed at night with unresolved issues; it'll break you up sooner or later. When problems arise, confront them head first. Be the man in the relationship.
Take care, and good luck! I hope all ends well for you both.
Well her friends are hidden on her FB, even from me. However judging by checking who "likes" her stuff, everyone is a Filipino or a Filipina.
EDIT: Hmm now that I think of, she doesn't allow people to share posts on her wall or timeline... Her page says she's engaged to me, though, and her profile picture is the two of us looking couple-ish though so IDK. Very confusing. For every 1 there's a -1 bringing it to 0.
It does not seem like she is hiding you from the world, or hiding your relationship in any way. At least not on Facebook. But the fact that she keeps her friendlist hidden even from you and that she does not allow people to share on her wall, raises a few eyebrows. There's a few red flags with how secretive she is. I'd be more then a little worried if I were you. There's probably some transparancy issues with your relationship that are worth discussing. Sure she has the right to her privacy but when she has a history of staying in touch with strange men EVEN when you are already together with her, AND she deleted all of her e-mails before showing you... I dunno, man. Be careful.
Pensiveman, First MarcosZeitola, I believe living there is different than bringing a Pinay back to your country. I've lived in Philippines for several years and have been coming for 8 years. Unfortunately I don't think Pinays are very honest. I think they don't consider lying as lying. I believe they tell you what they think you want to hear. Most Pinays have multiple Facebooks, mutliple Tagged accunts, dating site accounts, multiple Emails, phone numbers, Skypes everything. I honestly think they are big players. Most Pinays I know have many men they playing in hopes to snag the one they want. Will they be honest when they marry you. I don't know. I'm on the Facebook of a Pinay that is a waitress and is married to a man in USA that brought her over. Her FB I'm on gives no indication she's married. She told me when I met her that she didn't know what would happen to her marriage. I asked her why she married him and she said he's the first guy that came to the Philippines that was serious. She goes out with a lot of other Filipina women partying to the bars here. Most Pinays I've met in the US have an entitled attitude. They find out their worth immediately and act accordingly.
How many trips have you made to see her? What about age difference? Looks difference? Does she own expensive items that you didn't buy her? When you spent the month with her, did she need to go away for periods of time to take care of personal matters: home to her family? Does she work? What does she do? Do you send her money monthly? if so, have the amounts gone up?
Pinays are sweet, loving, nice, sexual, family oriented, and have lots of good qualities. I don't think honesty is their strong point. What are you options in your country? Probably little or else you wouldn't be going overseas to look for a wife. How are you matched? Age, looks, etc.? Can it work possibly. I don't know, because i don't know you or your girl.
Mr. S, if you out there please answer this guy if he should trust and marry a Pinay. Rock you've met enough Pinays so please give you opinion.
Last edited by WorldTraveler on March 17th, 2015, 9:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I'm married to a Filipina that I met online, so that's my perspective. I don't think the title of your topic is really what you want to know. What you really want to know is whether your Filipina fiancé is herself trustworthy.
Are most Filipinas online trustworthy? As I say, this is not IMO what you really want to know but I will try to answer. In my experience about 25% of the women I spoke with online (and I chatted with hundreds) eventually asked for money. Of the rest, I do think that most are sincerely interested in finding a serious relationship, but what does that mean? Does it mean she will only chat with one guy - not likely. Does it mean she is only considering foreign guys - again not likely. I have remained FB friends with many of the girls I originally chatted with before marriage. I'd say about half married or are in relationships with foreigners and half are either unattached or married/in relationships with Filipinos.
As to trustworthiness online - frankly how many people in general are trustworthy out there? The numbers are small and not just because the people are no good; it's just human nature - total trust takes years.
I agree with your assessment of romantic love vs. a better life. She ought to want a little bit of both. Anyone who says she is moving halfway around the world just for romantic love is either crazy or lying.
Take your time with your girl. Yes, the fact that she was still on Cherry Blossoms would be concerning to me, but I would have had a talk first agreeing that both of you should remove all your dating profiles. FB is a good resource to check on her but as someone else said, many people have multiple accounts; so FB isn't infallible.
Finally I would be careful about which guys to ask this question of. Many of the guys online are no more trustworthy than the girls you are worried about. Players and mongers abound here and on all the forums; their opinions on what constitutes a trustworthy girl for marriage are dubious.
I will say this for what it's worth. One of the nice things in my brief time being married to a Pinay (1 1/2 years) is that I have met and befriended many Fil-Am couples. I must know 100 at least in person and an equal number online. All types of guys with all types of backgrounds. Lots of parties and events. Invariably the guys go to one side of the house, drink and BS. The girls do the same. The guys talk about their wives with rarely a complaint. Oh, we all tell funny stories and shake our heads at our wives (they are all like Filipina versions of Lucy, if you know my reference). Rarely do guys actually complain about their wives, gripe or talk about real marital problems or divorce. This is in stark contrast to my previous marriage where many of the men I knew were one step from divorce (as was I) and looked like the walking dead. Of course, this isn't a scientific survey. One guy divorced his Pinay a few years ago but married another, but he is a bit of a fool whose 1st Pinay wife was a bar girl; the current wife is sweet as can be and hot as can be; so even a fool can get it right eventually
Bottom line is good luck. Keep your eyes open but don't let the naysayers sway you too much. There are many fine women in the Philippines.
Check out my blog @ http://www.marriedafilipina.com
As I've mentioned many times, I've chatted to a lot of filipinas online, and I have to say, it's surprising to me just how UNinterested they seem to be in what I do or what I earn. With only a couple of exceptions, none of them have given me sob stories or asked for money or asked me anything about job or income. If I wasn't used to it by now I would find it really weird. In fact, I'm so used to it now that if I ever was to chat with a western woman online again, and she were to ask me what I do, I'd be like "I beg your pardon?"
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I'd say your general chances online for finding good ones are 50/50. The rest depends on you. Are you messaging obvious fakes, scammers, bargirls? If so, you're doing it wrong. There are a lot of dirt-poor girls too, but they may be sincere.
Anyone overtly looking for a green-card is a no-go for me, for obvious reasons. I look for those who want to stay in their country. If I can convince a girl to not want to leave, that's good too.
I think it's pretty easy to filter bad Filipinas. They aren't good at deception unless the victim is willing.
Exactly. They're not good at lying or deceiving. In a way it's kind of pathetic to watch someone trying to lie and doing it all wrong and being really obvious, but in another way it's nice that they live in a culture that doesn't make it easy for them to learn how to do it well. God bless filipinas.
Location Independent Expat Relocate
If you want to move abroad, but you can't decide where, I can help you.
Agreed. Few asked what I did for a living in anything other than a very general sense. Of course many Western jobs don't translate to the Philippines culture; a culture where a call center job is a good one that many people aspire to.
As to wanting to know what you earn, despite our ideas of greedy foreign women, most Filipinas cannot comprehend how much you make and how it relates to her life. She might know it's huge in peso terms but is clueless whether it's good or bad in the West.
A weird story: I helped a very good Pinay friend of mine in her search for an American and she eventually met and decided to marry a middle aged guy from small town mid-West. When I say I helped, the girl (24) was totally naïve about men and clueless about Americans, though she learned quickly. They decided to marry, went thought the Visa process which took them almost a year. The Visa was approved and she was to leave for the US in less than a week. She shyly asked if she could ask me something very personal and private. From the Visa process she had his past tax records and simply had no idea whether what he earned was good in the US and whether it meant he could support her and a potential family. I assured her it was fine, especially in a small town, and she breathed a sigh of relief. They have been very happily married for a couple of years.
Check out my blog @ http://www.marriedafilipina.com
Really a very charming anecdote.
Not different than any of us would want for a daughter or sister.
"Well actually, she's not REALLY my daughter. But she does like to call me Daddy... at certain moments..."
Women you meet online in general are not trustworthy. It takes a lot of f***ing work to find a girl in the Philippines who is trustworthy. Good luck and happy hunting.
Does anyone know why pensiveman was suddenly banned for no reason? I'm receiving emails from a number of new members who have been suddenly banned without warning and who have not posted any spam either. Anyone know what's going on? None of the moderators here usually do that.
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"It takes far less effort to find and move to the society that has what you want than it does to try to reconstruct an existing society to match your standards." - Harry Browne, How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World
'+1 Ghost. I only look for ones who do not want to leave their country, or are able to be convinced about the reality of the West. The first Filipina I talked to really wanted to move to Calgary, Canada. Maybe she will like the rodeo and marry a cowboy.
Jenny is from Alcoy, Cebu and is currently training to become an accountant (Diploma In Accounting and Secretarial Services). She spends her time between Alcoy and Dumaguete, sometimes in Santander. Her sister works in Dubai, and she is indifferent to / doesn't want to leave the Philippines.
I was born on July 3rd, 1996 and she was born on Feb 13th, 1996. We are about the same age.
I was surprised to see you live in the USA with your “child” bride as you referred to her. You mentioned being friends with a 100 American – Pinay couples. Are their age differences typically so great? I’m not trying to say this is negative, because all the girls I date are much younger than me too. I just know Americans are very critical about age differences. I have been given shit from family and friends for not dating women my own age. What kind of experiences are you and your wife having with this?