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Discuss culture, living, traveling, relocating, dating or anything related to the Asian countries - China, The Philippines, Thailand, etc.
I add my experience as another data point.
I started looking for a Filipina online this spring. Ultimately, I found a woman that I feel is a great choice, and I visited her this summer, and already am planning another visit at Christmas time. Here's my process:
1. Filipinocupid is the site I used, though some people seem to like Cherry Blossoms. DateinAsia didn't seem to have as many good choices to me, but maybe others will like it.
2. When I signed up, I had a lot of girls sending me interest... a very large number, hundreds in the first week (probably also because I was new). While this was nice for my ego, I really wanted to control the terms of the interaction, so I decided to search out and contact girls that I was interested in.
3. Search filters are the key, and on FC you can save searches, to tweak and run them as often as you'd like. Here's what I filtered:
a. Height, at least 5 feet.
b. No kids
c. Non smoker
d. College degree (or higher)
f. age 22-26
g. Not from Metro Manila (I've found that in any country, people in the capital/largest city are less friendly and laid back)
g. I had to find their picture attractive. Plus, no super revealing clothes, and no tattoos. This is subjective of course, but since I'm the only judge, it is what it is.
i. Their profile had to have at least 3 complete sentences. This was both to screen for English ability, as well as a woman who has something- anything!- to say.
4. Running this search, I found some possibilities. I wrote down names of those that piqued my curiosity. Quickly I had list of about 20.
5. At the same time, I looked at the profiles of the MEN on there. Some came across as good dudes... and some seemed like total tossers. Just super weirdos. Also, for a message conversation to be readable, either the guy or the girl has to be a paying member. Of course, it (rightly) is going to be the guy. But you can see who's paying and who isn't... all those guys that aren't are just couch jockeys, and are not real competition. Frankly, of those who were paying, lots of them would be guys that could get out their wallet, but were just having a fantasy; they had no intention of actually going over there. I used other guy's profiles for clues mostly on what not to say.
6. Sculpted my profile. A lot of advice for other online dating sites applies, but I was sure to stress things that would have disqualified me in the US: yes, I'm interested in marriage and children. No, I'm not an a-hole. For pics, a solid face shot as the main pic, a full body shot (I don't have the hottest bod around, but might as well be upfront about what I look like), a pic of me on vacation in South America (I'm adventurous, ladies!), and a pic of me playing an electric guitar (I can be a little bit of a bada**).
7. Show me the money- I paid for a membership. Isn't it worth a few bucks a month, to find a valuable woman???
8. Sent out messages to some women on my list. A few sentences, not too long, not too short, chatty. All told, I messaged 12 women. 2 never even read the message (FC gives you that info), and hadn't been active since I sent them, so they must have quit the site. Of the 10 that read the message, 9 replied. Yes, that's right boys, a 90% response rate. Dudes in the US would cut off their pinky for 90%. All replied within 48 hours, most within 24.
9. Based on my conversations, I fairly quickly narrowed the field down to 3. (I tried to be kind to the others.) One stopped replying to me, and I could sense another one was just not a good choice long term. The one remaining... wow, what a catch!
10. The lady and I moved our communication over to facebook. We began chatting daily there, and over about 4 months, spent many many hours discussing everything under the sun. We did skype (video) a bit, but this was hard for her- her phone doesn't get good bandwidth, so to skype she had to go to an internet cafe, which was hard to arrange since she has a job that's more than full time (FT plus overtime). Our chats weren't a chore- I looked forward to them every day. We also sent each other (innocent) pictures of each other. The physical attraction felt genuine. Facebook keeps track of these things, and over those 4 months, we exchanged over 15,000 individual messages. (!!) Yeah, she has things to say.
11. After discussing it with her, I took the most important step of all: I went to the Philippines! It doesn't matter what else you do, if you don't go over there, you won't get the girl. Like they say, 90% of success is showing up. I spent 10 days, because due to work, that's all I could do. C'est la vie. I also ignored some advice that I've seen here: I only went to visit her, none of this visiting a whole bunch of girls. Better to invest my time with my first choice. Besides, she'd know if I was visiting other girls, she wouldn't want to invest in the relationship (and the other option is to lie to her, and I'm not going to start a relationship off on that foot). She lives in... I won't say which city, but it's a provincial capital in the Visayas.
12. We did all kinds of "date" type stuff: went to the mall, dinners, walked around in the park, to a movie, local historical sites, a pick your own fruit orchard, and of course the beach, where we recreated the beach make-out scene in "From Here To Eternity" while local fishermen and stray dogs stared at us. And karaoke! We enjoyed sunsets, and laughed when we got caught in a downpour coming back from dinner. Both of us were clear that this wasn't just for friendship, it was romance. I never enjoyed dates with an American woman liked I enjoyed these.
13. Dudes: be cool about taking nice girls to bed. I'm not saying at all not to do it, but don't rush things, don't force the issue. Don't expect them to go up to your hotel room on the first night. What are you, a hyena? Let these things develop naturally, and let her become comfortable. Someone on another thread said Pinays are frigid/not passionate. Lol. I disagree. Be respectful, show just a modicum of restraint, and I think you'll be rewarded with a woman's passion beyond measure. (Ahem.)
14. She cried when I left. But as I reminded her then, "This isn't an end, it's a beginning. And as MacArthur said, 'I shall return.'" (Only in the Philippines could I quote a US WWII general and score points- she's educated, so she got the reference.)
15. So I'm planning my next trip already. How could I not? We're back to messaging, and just yesterday, she said "When you come back, I'll make sure you feel like a king." Wow! She's always doing cute things like sending photo collages she made saying how she loves me. Can you imagine an American woman doing that?
So that's where it stands... this is a long wall of text now, so I'll stop here, but I'll add more thoughts later. I'll add as a disclaimer that I've been involved with this country for all of 6 months, so I still have a lot to learn, and it could all blow up in my face, but for now, I'm on cloud 9.
This sounds fairly close to the way things went with my wife and I, although we met on a chat site rather then on a dating site. The way you went about things, the way you handled things, is very well-thought of. You made the right selection, you were practical, you used the proper criteria to determine quality and you ended up finding the highest quality: well done, man!
I like how you already figured out, before ever having been to the country, that girls from the capital tend to be no good. And that you value having someone you can actually have a deep and fulfilling conversation with, rather then some "simple" type. Personally, I thank my lucky stars every day I found a girl that was educated at her country's finest university, rather then a girl working as a maid with only a high school diploma, who I would have had nothing in common with.
A lot of guys here and on the internet in general have said negative things about Filipina women and the Philippines, and the primary reason for that is their own laziness and ineffectiveness in finding one... if more people followed your selection methods, more of them would be able to find a real gem too. I'm happy for you to have found your dream girl, and hope you can go to her soon.
May I ask you what your plans for the future are, for you and Mrs. Balmung-to-be?
But be careful. Make sure you make a wise choice. I think it would be a good idea to get a pen and paper, write down every quality that you're looking for in a girl (don't think about her as you do this), and then ask yourself honestly if she has them all, or at least the most important ones. Don't let your opinion of her be too influenced by how it felt to be with her.
Also I think you should see other girls. Just to keep your mind clear, so that you don't pedastalise her. Don't get too lovey dovey about her. Stay in control.
I can't quite tell if you had sex with her from what you've said. But if you did, I'd say it was a bad move.
Location Independent Expat Relocate
If you want to move abroad, but you can't decide where, I can help you.
I know what you mean about those super weirdo men. I saw a lot of them when I visited the Philippines. A lot of Filipinas have complained to me about the low quality of American men they meet online. They've told me that I'm the only good American man that they've met.
Why? If he found a good one, he found a good one. A keeper is a keeper, and seeing other girls means you probably won't keep her. Why fix something when it isn't broken? They have great chemistry, really hit it off, had a good time and he will return to her again. I don't see how meeting more girl beside her is going to help Balmung in any way. If I was a girl, a good girl and genuine wife material, I would not give my life and love to a man who goes to my country seeing a bunch of girls. I would just be a number on his list, a side dish at worst, the main course at most, and when he ends up going for me it's only because he couldn't find a better one... I reckon a traditional girl, especially one from a country that values romance as much as the Philippines, would be deathly insulted.
This sort of "have your cake and eat it too" mentality seems typical Western\American to me; you enter a relationship expecting it not to last, so you let your eyes wander. That, to me, is no healthy basis for a stable relationhip. The only reason a man has to look for "better", is if he dislikes the woman he is currently with. When he doesn't have any negative feelings towards her, found her through a detailed and extensive selection procedure and they can talk for hours without being bored, doesn't that sound like the guy already struck gold?
He literally says he went through HUNDREDS of girls to find this one. Out of all the hundreds who visited his profile, messaged him, this is the one girl he liked. He liked and respected her enough not to meet others on the side, and felt no need as she was the best he met. Sometimes, things are just good enough as they are. You don't always need to be looking for an "upgrade", because that's exactly the type of hypergamy men on this site blame Western women for.
Why go to another country that still has good women, only to turn into the male version of the women you despise?
Glad you enjoyed your trip! There's lots of 'Asia bashers' on this forum, oddly enough, so your post was kind of refreshing.
As for me, I was headed towards the Philippines to find a wife until I hit jackpot and met a great women in China. So, that ended my plans to visit the country.
I still plan on visiting the country with my Chinese girlfriend sometime in the near future.
Yeah, why do I need to date other women? For one thing, I'm in my mid 30's, and I have dated other women in the past, so I know a good thing when I see it. If my girlfriend suddenly started giving me crap for stupid stuff, or became insufferable, or whatever, then sure, I'd be looking elsewhere. But I've seen nothing to indicate that, so why preemptively throw a wrench in things? And this commitment cuts both ways- I've promised her I wouldn't be dating other people, and she has too. I know that falling in love, starting a new romance, is a risk. Maybe I'll get hurt. But I'm going to take that chance; I refuse to live in fear.
And anyway, I think too much dating is a major problem in the west... people, women especially, are always encouraged to play the field, and end up always with one eye on the door. And too many partners (for dating, not just sex) leads to more emphasis on superficial traits, and the women end up dating a-hole bad boys instead of gentlemen. If people were mainly dating to find someone for a long term relationship, their preferences would get less skewed. As the old saying goes, "You've got to *have* respect, to *get* respect."
Aw, shucks. I prefer to be the master of my emotions, not to let my emotions be the master of me. Then, when I've found a good woman, I can be comfortable giving it 100%.
And the amazing thing to me is that all this wasn't even that hard. While I looked at a lot of profiles, that doesn't take that long, and I only sent messages to a dozen women. The aggressive filtering is what did most of the work. And sure, I spent a lot of time chatting with my girl in particular, but that never felt like a chore or obligation. I don't understand why other guys don't do like I did- none of my search criteria are that clever on my part: no single moms, have some education, be pretty, have some brains. Is it hard to know to look for those things? Other than the chatting which I enjoyed, and visiting the Philippines, which I enjoyed even more, it was just a few hours a day after work for a few weeks. It amazes me how much some guys will yap about how much they want something, but won't actually *do* anything to get it.
I've already decided to visit when I get Christmas off. After that? Right now I'm working towards a professional certification that will allow me to do certain types of consulting work remotely. In slightly over a year, I'll be able to live anywhere I please. Thus, my trip to the PI (and my next one) were also partly about finding a place outside of the American rat race where I could live a quiet life. I know my girlfriend would be happy for me to settle down in her hometown, and frankly, I've been thinking that I'd like to do just that.
Yeah, there's always haters around. I've actually spent a lot of time in China (almost 2 years in-country)... it's a complicated place but (IMO) a lot of downsides, but also positives. (I think as you get away from the 3 most developed areas- Beijing, Shanghai, and Guangzhou/Pearl R. Delta- the country becomes more livable and the people less materialistic.)
How are you getting her to go there? Most Chinese I talk to will not set foot in the country. They have a knee jerk reaction that Phils is a very dangerous place, they will be raped and killed, and they should never go. Even when I mention I am going (and I am a black guy) They say OMG be careful, it is so dangerous.
“b***y is so strong that there are dudes willing to blow themselves up for the highly unlikely possibility of b***y in another dimension." -- Joe Rogan
There are plenty of Japanese and Koreans in Philippines, for business and for holidays.
I do not think Philippine cities are more dangerous in general than some certain cities in USA, but there are clearly places you have to stay away as a foreigner, like some cities and some islands in the Southern part of Philippines.
I am familiar really with Cebu, there are many ordinary criminals out there, but there is no problem about Islam or communist activity, New People Army etc. I never had any problem there since many years.
I feel, Cebu City is getting dark rather early, shops are closing around 09:00 PM, the best for a foreigner is not to be out in the streets past 10:00 PM until 06:00 AM. Call me risk-averse. Do not walk around - even not by day - in typical slum areas, nothing there anyway etc.
Filipinos who have a good living standard are thinking similar, there are many guarded areas where you are safe.
I see no reason why a Chinese national should not visit places like Cebu in the Philippines, especially not if the Chinese girl is arriving already with a male partner. There are also Chinese visitors in Cebu, but not from mainland China - they are from Malaysia, Singapore, Taiwan, HongKong, etc. There are daily direct flights between Cebu and HongKong.
Because traveling half way around the world just to pin your hopes on 1 female that you don't know well is really not a good idea. So is making promises to someone who is not your girlfriend. It's nothing to do with becoming what you despise. A man dating multiple women while he makes up his mind is nothing to despise. It's normal.
I don't care how good she seems, you never, ever go to another country just for 1 girl who may or may not turn out to be genuine, and all that she seems. I'm sure she's very nice, and genuine, and everything that Balmung wants in a girl. But you have to be careful and cautious. No exceptions. You've got to be shrewd.
Anyone who goes to the Philippines for women should try to get some male friends lined up, activities, whatever else, and women should be the icing on the cake. Imagine if she turned out to be the scammer of all scammers and there he is, no friends, no backup, no consolation, just disappointment and a depressing trip back home.
Location Independent Expat Relocate
If you want to move abroad, but you can't decide where, I can help you.
OK, I see what you're saying, but before I got there, I was thinking of worst case scenarios. What if she doesn't show up? In that case, I'd be in the Philippines, a country I wanted to visit anyway. Why is that such a disaster? I'd feel free to go to the malls and chat up any pretty women I saw. I'd go to the beach and try to make friends with ladies in bikinis. I can find activities on the fly. While I was there, even when I was obviously with a woman, girls were eyeing me up. I'd have followed up on that if my lady friend wasn't what she had seemed. How is that disappointing or depressing? And it's not like this is my one lifetime shot at going to the Philippines- if it didn't work out, I could go back to the US and repeat all the steps above to continue my search.
Plus, I view my lack of other pre-arranged options as part of my wooing strategy. I was sure to casually let my girl know that I wasn't visiting anyone else, and would be devoting all my time to her. I wanted her to know I valued her and was willing to spend my valuable time and money ON HER. Women notice these things, and feel good about a man who will show how much value he puts in the relationship. Costly signals are worth more than cheap ones. As they say, talk is cheap.
So I decided that fortune favors the bold. I could tell even bore my visit she was a top shelf woman, so why not go all in? We're talking about a woman who's educated, employed, kind, sweet, values family over career, solid values, and oh yeah, stunningly attractive. You'd better believe lots of guys would be happy to have her, so I have competition. So I made her a priority, and it's worked out so well. Cautious can sometimes bite you in the foot.
Balmung, I like your strategy, very much.
You seem to succeed, congratulations!
I have some questions, I think it would be helpful to know:
- How many months did it take to you, from the start of searching till the final selection of this girl?
- Did you meet any family members there, or is there such a plan from you or your girl, maybe in a next meeting?
- Was the whole experience there, like you have imagined before going there?
I also want an opinion from you or others, about a reverse method of meeting: instead of going there, pay the tickets to the girl to visit your country. Keep everything you did in the procedure you described, but change the destination trip.