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The frequency of communication

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The frequency of communication

Postby mentor » Sun May 22, 2016 1:57 pm

I am opening this topic to discuss about it, and take some opinions.
So, I am in the online dating scene and I make my efforts to find the appropriate girl for me.
I am serious and I am searching for a good girl for a lifetime partnership.

My personal opinion, especially when we talk about building a distant relationship in a first phase, it is that there should be daily communication and many times during the day, thanks to internet.
But, what happens if this seems not to be followed well?

This period I am talking with a (rather) good girl. She is really beautiful, she deleted her account for me in the dating site to show me that she only focus in one relationship, and she was very warm in her messages for me, especially the first period after the initial online meeting.
The problem is the frequency of the communication we have.
I do connect to see messages from her, many times during the day, maybe a dozen of times.
But, she only sends two or three messages each day, and small ones too.
So, I cannot make a deep discussion with her. Most of times there is just a talk of daily current things(what are you doing? how are you? what did you eat? etc) and some warm phrases (I miss you, I wanna hold your hand, etc).
Even worse, there are times, that she disappears for days!
Her explanation? She is very busy! She cooks, she does all the household in her paternal family, she studies, and she works!

Ok, I am a busy man too, but I find some time for being able to communicate with my loved one, in any case!
I would have abandoned her, but I would like to proceed with her, if I could know her better and be sure about our compatibility.
The reasons I still insist and not abandon, are these ones:
- she deleted her account in dating site, for me
- she invited me to her family!
- she is beautiful
- from some checks I have done, she is a real girl, I mean not fake
- she accepts some of my essential requirements in a relationship
- she had only one relationship in her life (from what she said to me)
- she is educated
- she is very warm, and very interested in me
- and of course I like her too much!

But, there is no way to feel something deeper if she does not have the time to communicate.
How we supposed to be closer, if I don’t know her better?
I want to ask million things, she does not have time, almost in any given moment!

One rule I follow, and it is given to me from a respected member here, it is not to actively chase any girl. Avoid giving them such power, over me.
After all, there are millions of girls, and I should be the one to select.
I show my interest, I show my morals, my true character and concern, but I will not beg or ask intensively any asian girl for anything.
Every time I make a hint for her to find some time for talking, she tells me she is sorry that she is so busy.

Can anyone think about the whole case, and give me an opinion?
She seems a deserving girl, but I can’t see future without spending time to know each other.
I don’t wanna miss her, but I am not sure how can I handle it.
For sure, I am not looking for a chat mate. And I don’t have the time and I don’t want to play with many girls simultaneously.
But, how should I handle this case? Should I make something else, should I warn her, should I tell her something else, or should I tell her goodbye and proceed to the next girl?
I ‘ve been online with a lot of low quality girls, so I really like this one, but, there should be some perspective, as I am not the guy to just wasting my time, doing simple chats or waiting days for doing some messaging…
I can understand that a girl maybe is busy, but I am very busy too. So what?
I want to understand her situations, but with such communication I can’t see any prospect.

I wait your opinions.
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Re: The frequency of communication

Postby Ghost » Sun May 22, 2016 8:35 pm

If a girl likes you she will make time for you.

There could be extreme situations in which she couldn't maintain communications, such as a natural disaster affecting her town. Aside from this, if she likes you she makes time for you. And if you ever see the girl gradually reducing the time she communicates with you, she's talking to or f***ing someone else.
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Re: The frequency of communication

Postby mentor » Mon May 23, 2016 5:42 am

Ghost wrote:If a girl likes you she will make time for you.

There could be extreme situations in which she couldn't maintain communications, such as a natural disaster affecting her town. Aside from this, if she likes you she makes time for you. And if you ever see the girl gradually reducing the time she communicates with you, she's talking to or f***ing someone else.



That makes sense, common sense.
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Re: The frequency of communication

Postby droid » Mon May 23, 2016 7:36 am

mentor wrote:
Ghost wrote:If a girl likes you she will make time for you.

There could be extreme situations in which she couldn't maintain communications, such as a natural disaster affecting her town. Aside from this, if she likes you she makes time for you. And if you ever see the girl gradually reducing the time she communicates with you, she's talking to or f***ing someone else.


That makes sense, common sense.


That's a bit extreme, asian girls are legitimately very busy. Work shifts can be 12 hours or what not. For men it's incomprehensible how they don't reply sometimes, but women just don't give a sh*t lol, it's not the same thought process, BUT this doesn't mean they are not interested. It's weird but you can't judge it by your own standard.

But, there is no way to feel something deeper if she does not have the time to communicate.
How we supposed to be closer, if I don’t know her better?

I want to ask million things, she does not have time, almost in any given moment!

One rule I follow, and it is given to me from a respected member here, it is not to actively chase any girl. Avoid giving them such power, over me.
After all, there are millions of girls, and I should be the one to select.
I show my interest, I show my morals, my true character and concern, but I will not beg or ask intensively any asian girl for anything.
Every time I make a hint for her to find some time for talking, she tells me she is sorry that she is so busy.


Lol that's probably Adama? it makes sense to a point.

The thing is they also don't want to invest themselves too much in a guy that may not show up.
She is probably saying to herself:
"But, there is no way to feel something deeper if he doesn't come to see me. How we supposed to be closer, if I don’t know him better?"
I can tell you that is the general train of thought around here, well at least in Vietnam.

Add to that that the girls are really not that intellectual, and you will probably run out of things to talk about fast. The girls i've talked to mostly do one-two-liners, but that doesn't mean they lack interest. Like i said, they just want to see you NOW.

At the same time, they expect a bit of courting, so the "insist" thing is ok to do too, to a degree.
1)Too much of one thing defeats the purpose.
2)Everybody is full of it. What's your hypocrisy?
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Re: The frequency of communication

Postby mentor » Mon May 23, 2016 8:01 am

droid, I understand everything you say.

Yes, she wants to see me, she told me many times.
Of course I want to see her too.
But, I am not going to be on a plane, for a girl that I met online just fifteen days ago.
I want to know her better, then of course I will try to meet physically.

Another thing that came into my mind, it is that not everybody can maintain a distant relationship.
The only way to do it, is to communicate frequently.
I asked her in the early days, if she can cope with distant relationship until it becomes a close one, and she told me she can, if we have communication!

I want to believe she is busy. I am not telling she is telling lies, though I cannot be completely sure.
But, with only one or two, single line messages during the day, and some days without even a single message, is it supposed to proceed anything?
How difficult it is, to send a message even one in the morning and one before goes to sleep?

Of course I don't want to judge by my own meters, but I am busy too.
I don't ask anything else. Just a little time to know her...

Should I make patience?
Or it is not going anywhere?
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Re: The frequency of communication

Postby droid » Mon May 23, 2016 8:14 am

Mentor, sounds like a catch 22 to me. She won't become more responsive since you won't go, and you won't go since she doesn't communicate.
At the end of the day, the burden is on you to go. I screwed up myself with some girls here since it took me a whole year+ to travel.

I don't think she meant it when saying she could do the long distance thing. Like i said, it's not like you can discuss some physics theorems for weeks with them. Beyond the usual what did you eat etc, you will only be able to "share" more subjects when you go and do things together. Once that happens i think she will be more talkative IMO.

And also, like we've recommended in other threads, if you decide to travel, DO NOT put all your efforts on just one girl, you have to have several prospects. I know it kind of goes against the longterm-relationship search, but the girl might flake for apparently no reason whatsoever and you would have no options.
1)Too much of one thing defeats the purpose.
2)Everybody is full of it. What's your hypocrisy?
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Re: The frequency of communication

Postby mentor » Mon May 23, 2016 8:29 am

When you say 'catch 22', you mean about her age?
She is 20! Or what do you mean?

I don't expect with any girl, to make conversations for very long, but with this girl, it was the absolutely minimal!
With other girls I was able to discuss about two months, without any problems, before discovering something bad and go away.
This girl seems a little bit impatient and if she wants to see me, right here right now, I want it too, but I can't do it now, for all the reasons we previously talked here. As I said, we met online just 3 weeks ago.
So, hold on, the physical meeting should wait.

As you said, "She won't become more responsive since you won't go, and you won't go since she doesn't communicate.", this seems to be the case...

I guess the patience go according to age...the other girls 25-28 y.o. I previously talked, had all more failures in their lives, and they were more patient to talk more often, telling more things, and not pushing and pressing for physical meeting urgently, or keep a contact with a few messages with few lines...
With the other cases I had the control, but with this case it seems to be difficult...

I still do not know what to do...
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Re: The frequency of communication

Postby droid » Mon May 23, 2016 8:52 am

mentor wrote:When you say 'catch 22', you mean about her age?
She is 20! Or what do you mean?


no no, catch 22 just means contradictory conditions
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catch-22_(logic)


mentor wrote:I guess the patience go according to age...the other girls 25-28 y.o. I previously talked, had all more failures in their lives, and they were more patient to talk more often, telling more things, and not pushing and pressing for physical meeting urgently, or keep a contact with a few messages with few lines...
With the other cases I had the control, but with this case it seems to be difficult...


Well, obviously the "wall" exists and they become in some ways more accommodating. Ain't life a bitch
This 32yo bought me lunch and dinner in the train the other day, which was real nice. But I really don't go for women over 25-26 because besides the faded looks, they can be more jaded, bossy or have issues. The flipside is that much younger girls really have nothing in the head besides selfies, but some can be real nice, empathetic, and non-jaded.

mentor wrote:I don't expect with any girl, to make conversations for very long, but with this girl, it was the absolutely minimal!
With other girls I was able to discuss about two months, without any problems, before discovering something bad and go away.
This girl seems a little bit impatient and if she wants to see me, right here right now, I want it too, but I can't do it now, for all the reasons we previously talked here. As I said, we met online just 3 weeks ago.
So, hold on, the physical meeting should wait.
I still do not know what to do...


Well regardless of all that, at some point you will have to go. What's your exact plan? I think that's what you have to have clear yourself and proceed according to that, not the other way around.
1)Too much of one thing defeats the purpose.
2)Everybody is full of it. What's your hypocrisy?
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Re: The frequency of communication

Postby mentor » Mon May 23, 2016 9:19 am

Of course I have a plan. And I would tell her, but, once again, it is supposed to know her better.
Revealing my plans, to person that I know very little, what is the point of such announcement?
I should be sure for her, in order for any start of the plan.

I can't handle well such attitude from her.
She seems impatient, but on the other hand, if I do not have answers(at least!) to my questions, I can't tell for sure about a girl.
Everything seems fine so far, regarding her, but at least by electronic means, I should know all the things I want, about her. Her thoughts, her opinions, her life, etc.
Otherwise, she seems like avoiding talking, or hiding things!
Making promises, telling plans, saying love words, when I don't know her well, I don't think it is going anywhere.

I feel like she presses me somehow, even unconsciously.
She pressed to 'start' together a distant relationship (yes, she did!!!!!) , and now she seems to have no time to talk, but on the other hand she wants to see me!
She studies psychology, and I have already told her, that I don't go well with psychologists that think they can manipulate other people!!! lol :)

If I were there, would she find the time to see me?
So why doesn't' she finds some time now, to talk seriously online?

Can I tell to somebody, what precious time of mine has gone, wasted, with girls I met online and not deserve it? But I took my chances.
So, I spend time on them, cause I search for the right girl.

She wants to find her right man, without spending any time?
I don't want 'photos', I don't seek 's@x', I respect her, I talk seriously to her. All I want, it is to know her! Is this wrong???? wtf? Cultural differences?

Still wondering what to do...
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Re: The frequency of communication

Postby mentor » Tue May 24, 2016 6:00 am

Besides that, I have hard time to believe, that a girl cannot find even 2 minutes during a day, to send some kind of message.
Only if she is unconscious in hospital I could understand it.

When I see the days go by without a message, it reminds me more like a 'game' than real world constraints...
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Re: The frequency of communication

Postby mentor » Tue May 24, 2016 4:08 pm

So, she deleted her profile for me, and she asked to make something with mine, and I disable it, though not completely delete it.

I feel myself like been cheated, though she deleted her profile, and though we had a good communication previously. But, is it possibly, that's all?


If she had told you 'I will communicate with you, when I have time, I hope you understand', and this means, one line message every 4-5 days,
what would you answer to her?
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Re: The frequency of communication

Postby davewe » Tue May 24, 2016 4:41 pm

mentor wrote:So, she deleted her profile for me, and she asked to make something with mine, and I disable it, though not completely delete it.

I feel myself like been cheated, though she deleted her profile, and though we had a good communication previously. But, is it possibly, that's all?


If she had told you 'I will communicate with you, when I have time, I hope you understand', and this means, one line message every 4-5 days,
what would you answer to her?


I would answer her but would keep my options open and probably chat with other women.

You have been told this many times but you will never know about the girl or about the Philippines in general until you go. Then you can decide if she is the one for you. And at that point if you are serious you should be able to make some time for each other more often.

Most Filipinas are well aware that most Westerners will never come visit them. So they keep their options open as well, usually by chatting with other men. That certainly doesn't make them bad - just realists.
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Re: The frequency of communication

Postby mentor » Tue May 24, 2016 4:58 pm

davewe wrote:
mentor wrote:So, she deleted her profile for me, and she asked to make something with mine, and I disable it, though not completely delete it.

I feel myself like been cheated, though she deleted her profile, and though we had a good communication previously. But, is it possibly, that's all?


If she had told you 'I will communicate with you, when I have time, I hope you understand', and this means, one line message every 4-5 days,
what would you answer to her?


I would answer her but would keep my options open and probably chat with other women.

You have been told this many times but you will never know about the girl or about the Philippines in general until you go. Then you can decide if she is the one for you. And at that point if you are serious you should be able to make some time for each other more often.

Most Filipinas are well aware that most Westerners will never come visit them. So they keep their options open as well, usually by chatting with other men. That certainly doesn't make them bad - just realists.



Well, by the number of possibilities, any filipina can assume anything.
But, the fact is that I was not given any time!
She made a sweet 'crush' on me, but she left me waiting.
I admit she seems real, she seems a good girl, she...invited me to her family from the first day!
But, as I told, I want to communicate more with her.
The fact that she is possibly a very good girl, and the fact that she is/(was?) interested in me,
does not mean that I should get a plane, after a chat of ten days, and because she can't wait to see me!
I think I am absolutely realistic.

I am about 3 days now, without a message from her, in a state 'when I have time-as I am busy- I will chat to you-I hope you understand...'.
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Re: The frequency of communication

Postby davewe » Thu May 26, 2016 3:57 pm

mentor wrote:
davewe wrote:
mentor wrote:So, she deleted her profile for me, and she asked to make something with mine, and I disable it, though not completely delete it.

I feel myself like been cheated, though she deleted her profile, and though we had a good communication previously. But, is it possibly, that's all?


If she had told you 'I will communicate with you, when I have time, I hope you understand', and this means, one line message every 4-5 days,
what would you answer to her?


I would answer her but would keep my options open and probably chat with other women.

You have been told this many times but you will never know about the girl or about the Philippines in general until you go. Then you can decide if she is the one for you. And at that point if you are serious you should be able to make some time for each other more often.

Most Filipinas are well aware that most Westerners will never come visit them. So they keep their options open as well, usually by chatting with other men. That certainly doesn't make them bad - just realists.



Well, by the number of possibilities, any filipina can assume anything.
But, the fact is that I was not given any time!
She made a sweet 'crush' on me, but she left me waiting.
I admit she seems real, she seems a good girl, she...invited me to her family from the first day!
But, as I told, I want to communicate more with her.
The fact that she is possibly a very good girl, and the fact that she is/(was?) interested in me,
does not mean that I should get a plane, after a chat of ten days, and because she can't wait to see me!
I think I am absolutely realistic.

I am about 3 days now, without a message from her, in a state 'when I have time-as I am busy- I will chat to you-I hope you understand...'.


So all these questions and drama over a girl you've only been chatting with for 10 days?

But my answer would still be the same. Once you actually make plans to go, whether it's to meet her or 5 other girls, your perspective will change considerably. You've been asking essentially the same questions for the nearly year you have been on HA and the answer is the same - until you go (and maybe go more than once) it will all be theory and speculation.

Once you have made the plan and book your tickets, either the girl will draw closer to you knowing you are real, or disappear like a fart in the wind. But if she disappears others will appear.
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