What's your story? Discussions your reasons for going abroad.
9 posts • Page 1 of 1
On August 7, 2012, three years ago yesterday, my mom suddenly passed away in Houston, Texas, and it was very traumatic for me and my whole family. It also was the beginning of the worst years of my life, which lasted all the way thorough last year. Suffering from loneliness and being dateless could not have been any more painful than what I went through from late summer 2012 all the way through the end of 2014. Losing a loved one can be traumatic no matter what country you live in. But it's especially very devastating to lose a loved one while you're a young heterosexual single man in America. Below are some examples of exactly what I went through after my mom passed away.
The Thursday before classes started for the fall 2012 semester, I got moved into my apartment style dorm at UNM. And as I was leaving the dining hall back to my dorm, there was this rather chubby 18 year old brunette girl. I made eye contact, and she smiled. And then we introduced ourselves. Her name turned out to be Lyndsey. I felt like I needed to start "fresh" again, which is why I wanted to hang out with the freshmen. For one thing, the freshmen seemed wild and fun, in contrast to upperclassmen who seemed to be conformist robots. Plus, I knew that the largest pool of single women in college were the 18-19 year old freshman girls, since most of the girls my age were already taken anyways. Because I longed for dates but was out of options with girls my age, I lowered my standards to the 18 year old girls fresh out of high school. Not long after I met Lyndsey, I sent her a request on Facebook, but she didn't accept but updated her profile picture. And I thought to myself, what is really going on? Either I'm doing something wrong or she's being flaky. Our culture expects us to blame ourselves because blaming the women is politically incorrect. I saw her again on Sunday with a new male friend she met in the dorms, and we chatted each other up. We went over to Johnson Field for the event UNM always does the Sunday before classes start in the fall, which is a movie on the field. We got to know each other a little bit. And as we parted after a couple hours I told her I sent her a request. Finally she accepts. A few weeks into the school year, she and I hung out for the first time in the student union hall, but she brought her other guy friends along. And then after a couple meetups, I said I had enough with having a lot of guys around. So then I became the sole guy with Lyndsey and her female friends. But one Wednesday we were supposed to hang out, but she had me waiting in the student union hall. I tried texting and calling her, she wouldn't answer...for a grueling 30 minutes. But then she FINALLY picked up, and told me she couldn't make it all because her friend couldn't. However, she asked another friend to come. I asked her "why not just us 2?" She said "it's better to have more people". Sure it may seem that way, but Lyndsey seemed to be attracted more to familiarity than novelty. Come on, if I want to really get to know a girl, then she and I should meet up one on one at least once. But American women always think that one on one means being more than friends. How shallow was she? I had female friends who had NO problems meeting with me one on one.
Then, near the end of September, one of my long-time female friends, Kim, just got engaged. And I thought to myself "here we go, she's going to drift away". I was already aware of people drifting apart from their friends once they're engaged and particularly when they're married. But thank God she and I didn't drift apart.
In November, I met this hot blonde girl through another female friend at the UNM talent show, and she was also a freshman. Her name was Sarina. One night she and I were chatting on Facebook, and the conversation seemed lively. But as I asked her if she wanted to hang out with me and this other female friend, she stopped replying for good. At first I thought I did something wrong or crept her out by asking too soon. And every time I messaged her on Facebook, she didn't respond. But she would still say hi to me in person. She gave me her number, but she would ALWAYS screen out my text messages. And this silent treatment continued over Christmas break when she wasn't so busy studying for final exams, as she was posting photos on Facebook. Then I realized that she actually DID flake out on me. At times I wished that Lyndsey was the hot blonde and Sarina was the chubby brunette because I saw that things were so upside down with American women.
But I actually did have a crush on Lyndsey and wanted to be more than friends with her; however, she only wanted to be friends just because she doesn't want to "jeopardize" the friendship. She was also interested in someone else, a guy she's known since sixth grade, Josh. From January until April of 2013, she dated a black guy named Elliott. And when I heard the news that she broke up with Elliott, I tried to make my move and still got friend zoned. AND, when she was with Elliott, I also found out that all but one of her female friends also have boyfriends. Then I thought to myself that single men actually do outnumber single women. I googled "single men outnumber single women", and the very first thing I came across was a singles map of the US, showing that there were more single women in the eastern cities but more single men in the western cities. I thought to myself "Maybe if I move back east, I'll have a better chance getting a girlfriend". But later, I found a singles map showing single men outnumbering single women in EVERY city in the U.S. within my age range. And then, it happened. ONLY three months after Lyndsey broke up with Elliott, she and Josh became boyfriend and girlfriend; and I saw that she and I were going to drift apart. Unlike with Kim, Lyndsey and I actually DID drift apart. We started hanging out less and less since she was seeing Josh more and more. And I'm not alone. Lyndsey put most if not all of her friends on the back burner as she and Josh got serious. Before the 2013-2014 school year got underway, Lyndsey told me that most girls liked bad boys instead of nice guys. And I thought to myself "I wanna be a bad boy so I can get any girl I wanted". But going from nice guy to bad boy felt so awkward and unnatural. Then, sometime in October 2013, I was supposed to have lunch in the student union hall with Lyndsey, Mariah, and Mariah's boyfriend Sasha. But I overslept while taking a nap, and Mariah and Sasha put their friendship with me on hiatus. Not long after, Lyndsey didn't reply to my text messages...for two to three weeks. And when she did finally text me back, all she gave me were one-word answers. So then I just cut off all contact with Lyndsey for good. I realized she was bitch all along, not only by not letting me know when she can't hang out until I text or call her, but also putting me in the friend zone.
Also in 2013, I rekindled my friendships with a couple women from high school, Sasha and Andrea. I rekindled with Sasha first, and then rekindled with Andrea. I asked Andrea if she wanted to catch up, and she accepted. We scheduled some Saturday, but then she told me "I'm not feeling well". However, just as I get on Facebook, she posted photos of a wedding she attended that SAME day. Then we rescheduled for the Sunday before Albuquerque Public Schools started classes, but as the day came she said "I'm busy with work, but I'll let you know when I can reschedule". But alas, she never let me know. One weekend I asked her to hang out with me, but she said "I've got other plans". And then, the weekend after I got my wisdom teeth removed, I asked her to hang out with me again, this time there was no response. I then realized even Andrea was a bitch, so I eventually deleted her from Facebook. Now with Sasha, I developed a crush on her again like I did in 2010 because she was definitely the rare kind of AW, one with both beauty and brains. We met up two days before Christmas. And then as 2013 turned to 2014, I found out that she and that guy who's 14 years her senior and has kids from a previous marriage were STILL more than friends (although not boyfriend girlfriend). It totally crushed me because I knew that there were NOT enough decent women to go around in America. I thought about ending the friendship with her for good this time, but didn't happen; however, I took a few weeks off from even texting her.
My dateless and loneliness frustrations continued well into 2014. For one thing, I became obese as I was overeating just to try to fill my emptiness. I still hung out with Mariah, and even began hanging out with a gorgeous girl named Lily, who looked to be Hispanic. But even I found out she was already seeing someone and found out all her female friends were taken as well. Then Mariah said "you should just look for girls with autism". I told her "I don't want an ugly chick". And she said "you can't be picky", which is a line feminists use to tell men that they should just lower their standards and take what they can get. To feminists, it's wrong for a man to have options in the dating scene. And even lowering my standards to rock bottom felt unnatural. This system is set up so that men can never be happy and always be miserable and depressed. And around my 24th birthday, I decided to invite Lilly to my birthday but not Mariah. But as a result, Lilly screened out ALL of my text messages, and then I cut off contact with her for good. I also cut off contact with Mariah as well, and I decided to just spend my birthday alone. However, I met up with two people later that night, both of whom I knew from the accessibility resource center. In the summer, Mariah, Kelley, and I met up in Uptown Albuquerque, and I was not happy that Mariah brought Lilly. I didn't talk to Lilly at all during that meet-up because of what she did to me in April. She wanted to make up for what she did, but I didn't give her a second chance because I knew she would do it again.
Also in the summer, I got a job with Vector Marketing. Knowing I was even shut out of the job market, I figured Vector Marketing would be my only option, I applied, and got hired on the spot. I didn't make sales until July of last year, but the job was overall a failure for me.
Also in 2014, I joined this forum not long after I realized that my problems getting dates was not me but within the society and that there was nothing I can do about it except go abroad. So I thought about maybe going to Russia or Mexico. One day Mariah said I should focus on graduating and getting a career before dating and that girls everywhere are the same as in the U.S. She even told me to get a business degree. Then as the fall 2014 semester rolled in, I changed my major to business with high hopes of actually getting a job after college. And one day, Mariah and her douchebag boyfriend shot me down, with Mariah telling me I also need a car to get dates. Then I cut off all contact with them for good. But my family had me change it back to music and to graduate in December. They told me there were plenty of jobs who would take anyone with a degree and that I didn't have to move back home, which was the last thing I EVER wanted until now. But then I was losing hope of not moving back home and even going abroad as forum members agreed with me about the job market favoring women, which I noticed in 2013 as my female friends easily got jobs while I didn't even get an interview. Go figure. But my life started to slowly turn around when I met some friendly and humble women in El Paso, Texas this past October. I realized fschmidt was spot on about El Paso being the least Americanized major city in the U.S. And El Paso was a foreshadow of what was to come in 2015.
Alas, I had to move back to Los Alamos after graduating college, not by choice. And I dreaded the idea of having to live under my dad's rules and especially having restrictions and curfews. Fortunately, most of it didn't happen. But I found Los Alamos to be even more lonely and isolating than Albuquerque. It was mostly folks in their 40s and older. The vibe was more artificial. People only socialized in their cliques, so it was definitely harder to meet people. My dating chances were definitely ZERO in Los Alamos. Almost every girl I saw was either taken or too young. And among people in Generation X and in my generation, Los Alamos was a SAUSAGE FEST, about 7 guys to 1 girl. The job market was an absolute joke. Los Alamos National Laboratory was the only good paying job with respect to the cost of living. Everything else was service oriented and mostly went to women. But I had several gigs at the White Rock Presbyterian Church leading worship on the piano and got paid $130 USD for every gig I played at.
My days of futility in the social scene and the dating market finally came to a halt when I set foot in Ciudad Juarez, Mexico. I made friends there within a matter of MINUTES, whereas it took much longer or never in the U.S. to get to know people. And a woman who lived two blocks from the hostel I stayed at showed interest me. At long last there was a woman who actually gave me the time of day. Sadly, however, she was a single mother, and I did not have ANY intentions to marrying her. We did spend some quality time together, but she also asked me for money a lot. I dated a second girl in Juarez, this time not a single mother . And she even treated me better than the first woman that I dated. We flirted a lot, held hands, and hugged for long periods of time. Both relationships didn't work out in the end, but I FINALLY felt validated once I left America. And it wasn't just the women that made me Happier Abroad. The cost of living in Juarez was a fraction of what it is in the U.S. The local food was much healthier, which says A LOT about my weight loss this year. The public transportation in Juarez was better in terms of regional coverage, and the city overall is much more walkable.
America is the worst place for meeting women as we all know, and it's definitely NOT the place to be if you're a young heterosexual guy who suddenly lost a loved one. Being in the U.S. after losing a loved one will tear you down BIG TIME. You'll definitely get depressed from the loss. You'll be craving for dates, but you strike out with EVERY girl you meet. Talking with a counselor may help you feel better temporarily but not in the long run. Here's the REAL solution to help ease depression in the long run - GO ABROAD
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Reading your story I thought you were going to tell about your mom's funeral etc. I lost a brother when I was in the US and the horror to go through that still haunts me; at the funeral home their "services" went down like sleazy car deal trying to upsell you all the time. It make me puke.
As far as women is concerned in the US ( read my other posts) just each time you meet a nice, goodlooking and friendly female say to your self: "No matter how beautiful etc., she is, someone somewhere is tired of her shit!"
"Lost" the woman I loved in America. She & I probably wouldn't have happened for at least two reasons (she had an extremely harsh life & I was a bit of a pain in the ass), but when you don't get to be with someone you think you can spend your life with & not even WANT to cheat- that's... well, I don't even have words for it. The closest thing I can think of is like being "gouged with an acid chisel."
Trying to get a life started in America, at the moment, seems pretty pointless- at best you'll get together with a woman that everything's good with & have kids with her, but never really get to see them because you're always working or you're in jail (or they are- and at least you get to be nervous as shit about that all the time, all it takes is the kid being a kid or your wife simply existing). That high-maintenance living condition in this country is something that makes any live you get a Catch-22.
Another point is that every damn thing you or anyone else does is illegal & you're just as much of a target in either case, but there's a lot of instigation & general prevention of living from an official direction that gets assisted by the population just rubber-stamping most of the things they do- vicarious thrills, I guess. It's entirely possible that someone tries to f**k up your life because theirs doesn't go well in other countries, but it seems that in America they are actually against something going good for other people!
Of course, this means that you won't be able to "fill in the hole" & you get to just keep thinking about all the things you could have done better- since you only get a few shots in your late teens & early twenties. Better get it right when nothing's aligned to work that way!
Reading your post brings back my own bitter memories...I could never go back to such a life. Trying to talk to a girl just to be given the runaround. Asking a girl out on a date and continually getting an "I'm busy" response. Paranoia about meeting people, especially men.
Going abroad usually means making some sacrifices, but staying in the West means losing so much more - you'll have your spirit crushed, your physical needs ignored and despised, and your soul lost.
I thought your post was going to be more about what the process of losing a loved one is like in the U.S., but you didn't talk about it much. I lost someone before, and the entire process can feel demeaning and soulless. There are disgusting things like doctors not giving a shit and funeral homes trying to sell you bullshit, preying on your vulnerability.
When it happened I was in tears - out of sadness, of course, but also rage. I just remember thinking that I would lose my entire family over time and I would never have a family of my own. Like virtually all young men in America now, I knew my future was careening towards a dead end. I was being forced into a life without purpose and dignity.
A helpful guide:
Expatriation Apocalypse! The Guide to Expatriation for the Broke and Hopeless (Kindle)
Expatriation Apocalypse! (Paperback)
My mom was the most authentic and down to earth of ALL of my family, considering that American women from her generation (she was near the tail end of the silent generation) were nothing like the stuck up narcissistic princess in the younger generations, particularly the millennials. But there were times where she put my sister on a pedestal.
In the U.S. your job won't care if you lost someone that you loved. You have to show up with a happy face or become unemployed.
A lot of AW think meeting a guy one on one (even not for a date) would lead to sex. That must be shallow thinking to believe that kind of stuff. A reason why guys in the U.S. gets friendzoned alot.
When my dad died 10 years ago, I got exactly ONE sympathy card. Nobody else send me any condolences, including the members of the Catholic Adult Fellowship that I belonged to. That's the reason that I'm no longer religious.
Sorry to hear that you had to go through that experience, Matt. There are no words for that kind of pain.
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