Contempating Suicide; Why the hell not?

[Disillusioned_American]

I'm not looking for sympathy, nor do I need to be called a weak bitch. I'm just trying to vent, and look at things logically.

I am back on the E. Coast US right now, staying with family. I literally have no close friends anymore. None. They have all drifted away, or gotten married, etc. My parents have never really had any good advice for me. In fact, I feel like my father has always tried to emulate me for some reason, and it really creeps me out. He never showed me how to be a man, because he was never around when I needed him to be during my childhood. Now it's like the roles are reversed, and I am the parent; totally weird and unhealthy situation when I am around him for too long. My parents have been divorced for years, BTW. My father is like a psychic vampire whom steals my energy, and keeps me drained by eating up and farting out all of the food that I buy, and it is uncomfortable to live around him because he is a horder and slob (not to an extreme, though). I guess I put up with it since I am staying with him rent free right now, but I know it's slowly killing me. It makes me very sad and angry to think that my own family is bringing me down this much. I hate the thought that I am turning out like him, but I have always been a hard worker and clean/neat person, so I am already the polar opposite to him in that regard, thankfully. So basically, I don't even have a good trusting relationship with my own family members, no friends, and absolutely NOBODY whom I can depend upon.

When I was younger, I used to have a lot of pent up anger and rage, like Lone_Yakuza seems to have. I will never understand how difficult it can be for E. Asian men to grow up in the US, but my life has been no picnic either, and I also know what it's like to be an outcast during the prime years of my youth. I too studied martial arts and weight trained for years, since this was a great outlet for me and something I enjoyed. Music was also a big part of my life as well. I have sort of drifted away from those pursuits, because for the last several years, I have lived very transiently, never really feeling at home anywhere. Thus, it's hard to be physically fit when you can't have a consistent and proper diet. Also, I always strive to not accumulate much "stuff," since I never know where I should live. As a result, I no longer bother with music because I don't even have a guitar. I can't trust my parents to leave my things with them when I travel, because I have had them give away my things in the past without my permission, or they've thrown my stuff in the garbage.

As much as I would like to expat and leave this screwed-up country, I honestly just do not have the mental or physical energy to do that right now. Plus, I know how much of a hassle it can be to obtain long term residency visas outside of the US, because I have been through it all before. Sometimes I think I need to settle down somewhere within the US for a while, just long enough to get my act together, but then I always feel conflicted about staying in the US, convinced that I will never be happy here, and that I will always be alone. Also, despite being physically healthy overall, I wake up every single day with extreme stomach pain and nausea, usually dry heaving into the toilet before I start my day. This has gone on for years, and I have had multiple tests performed by doctors, but everything comes back as normal. In addition, my spine is f*cked up to the point where I have chronic pain in my upper vertebrae. I wish I could buy and use an inversion table, but that would be another physical asset that would only trap me in this lousy country. I stopped going to the Veterans Hospital because of some really bad experiences there. I don't really trust any doctors in this country anymore, and I don't have any insurance. The cost of private healthcare in America makes me want to commit homicide, not suicide, lol. Also, I want to mention that I no longer have any faith in a God, since none of my prayers have ever been answered, even though I did good things like donate large sums of money to charity over the years.

Now, I am not some thirty year old virgin, and in fact I have gotten laid several times within the last couple of years. The thing is that, I need real companionship, not just a lay. I need someone to genuinely care about me. Plus, I've never really been with a woman that I felt was beautiful at all. They haven't all been hideous, but they were not a good match for me looks wise (due to female hypergamy in the US, plus lack of hot available women). I have always had to lower my standards. I lost my virginity to an older single mom when I was 21, because at the time I was desperate. Even though some here might criticize me for having lowered my standards, I honestly think that I would have gone on a killing spree if I hadn't done what I did. I used to fantasize about strapping powerful explosives to myself, and walking into a crowded nightclub filled with arrogant douchbags and bitchy sluts, and detonating the mother*cker (something that I was very capable of doing, since I have extensive knowledge about energetic compounds). This is how sexually frustrated I felt back then. I am definitely not some kind of sociopath though. Women treated me like absolute sh*t. I have had a couple of decent girlfriends since that time, but things didn't work out in the end, obviously.

Alright, enough of the b*tching and complaining. I'm not even sure if anyone here will read all the way though this rant. Anyway, I am seriously at my wits end. I just spent yet another New Year's Eve alone. I feel like I no longer want to go on. I have nothing to live for. Even foreign women are not enough of an incentive to keep me going at this point, since I fear many of them just want to take advantage of men like me. Why not just end my God damned life once and for all? I have thirty years on this planet, and most of it has been sh*t. I can't get a girlfriend to save my life, unless I opt for some used-up milf/cougar. Plus being on the E. Coast, the weather alone makes me want to die, and the women here are even colder than the weather. Why should I even bother to continue, with my life being this empty and hopeless? How do I turn this whole thing around?

[jboy]

Sleep it off man, the more you think and dwell about it the more you'll feel the weight of the world on your shoulders.

Sleep it off and strive to be your best self when you've had decent sleep... you'll start feelin better bout yourself and then better things will start happening.

Recently me come acquainted with a person who has gone through deep shit in this life, born illegitimate in a third world country, been told to not be able to walk again after an accident, forsaken by own family for bein illegitimate, shunned by society for not fitting in, went through hoops to get self educated, being too intelligent in an environment which stiffles braininess, been homeless and experienced days without food and bein drenched in tropical monsoon season BUT came through it all and is inspiring other people to be better individuals and now a successful person imho. From nothin at all to something and now respected by people. Isn't that inspiring?

You have so much more than that recent acquaintance of mine, if that individual can do it then so can you.

Me doesn't know if you'll read this or if you're gettin what am sayin.

You've survived the mayan apocalypse of 2012! Don't you dare give up now! One day you'll be tellin the story of how you and the HAers saved the world from the mayan zombie apocalypse of 2012 and you were one of the generals and we are all survivors and we'll pretend walkin dead is a real life show. You'll be the coolest grandpa in town bro!

Juz forget all this shit, guess me sayin hang in there buddy!

[C.J.]

Haha that was funny! jboy, I'm gonna do just that.

I'll tell my grandkids "Hey you whippersnappers, you ever hear about the zombie apocalypse of 2012? Well I WAS THERE, and we had to walk FIFTEEN MILES to the gun store to fight off the horde, and they were RIGHT BEHIND US!! And the owner STILL had us carded!"

Disillusioned_American, I've sent you a PM.

[Winston]

Suicide will not accomplish anything. You will still have to relive your karma again in the next life. People who have NDE's after attempting suicide have reported that they experienced a hellish state and regretted it. When they came back, they realized that it was not the answer.

Try to make lemonade out of lemons. Where there's a will, there's a way. You can't appreciate the light until you've experienced the dark first. Remember that it's always darkest before dawn.

Try listening to some good music to keep your mood light. Also read some spiritual books by Wayne Dyer or Deepak Chopra or Eckhart Tolle.

If you want to talk about it, PM me your Skype user name and we can chat sometime?

[lone_yakuza]

.

[Rock]

I'm not looking for sympathy, nor do I need to be called a weak bitch. I'm just trying to vent, and look at things logically.

I am back on the E. Coast US right now, staying with family. I literally have no close friends anymore. None. They have all drifted away, or gotten married, etc. My parents have never really had any good advice for me. In fact, I feel like my father has always tried to emulate me for some reason, and it really creeps me out. He never showed me how to be a man, because he was never around when I needed him to be during my childhood. Now it's like the roles are reversed, and I am the parent; totally weird and unhealthy situation when I am around him for too long. My parents have been divorced for years, BTW. My father is like a psychic vampire whom steals my energy, and keeps me drained by eating up and farting out all of the food that I buy, and it is uncomfortable to live around him because he is a horder and slob (not to an extreme, though). I guess I put up with it since I am staying with him rent free right now, but I know it's slowly killing me. It makes me very sad and angry to think that my own family is bringing me down this much. I hate the thought that I am turning out like him, but I have always been a hard worker and clean/neat person, so I am already the polar opposite to him in that regard, thankfully. So basically, I don't even have a good trusting relationship with my own family members, no friends, and absolutely NOBODY whom I can depend upon.

When I was younger, I used to have a lot of pent up anger and rage, like Lone_Yakuza seems to have. I will never understand how difficult it can be for E. Asian men to grow up in the US, but my life has been no picnic either, and I also know what it's like to be an outcast during the prime years of my youth. I too studied martial arts and weight trained for years, since this was a great outlet for me and something I enjoyed. Music was also a big part of my life as well. I have sort of drifted away from those pursuits, because for the last several years, I have lived very transiently, never really feeling at home anywhere. Thus, it's hard to be physically fit when you can't have a consistent and proper diet. Also, I always strive to not accumulate much "stuff," since I never know where I should live. As a result, I no longer bother with music because I don't even have a guitar. I can't trust my parents to leave my things with them when I travel, because I have had them give away my things in the past without my permission, or they've thrown my stuff in the garbage.

As much as I would like to expat and leave this screwed-up country, I honestly just do not have the mental or physical energy to do that right now. Plus, I know how much of a hassle it can be to obtain long term residency visas outside of the US, because I have been through it all before. Sometimes I think I need to settle down somewhere within the US for a while, just long enough to get my act together, but then I always feel conflicted about staying in the US, convinced that I will never be happy here, and that I will always be alone. Also, despite being physically healthy overall, I wake up every single day with extreme stomach pain and nausea, usually dry heaving into the toilet before I start my day. This has gone on for years, and I have had multiple tests performed by doctors, but everything comes back as normal. In addition, my spine is f*cked up to the point where I have chronic pain in my upper vertebrae. I wish I could buy and use an inversion table, but that would be another physical asset that would only trap me in this lousy country. I stopped going to the Veterans Hospital because of some really bad experiences there. I don't really trust any doctors in this country anymore, and I don't have any insurance. The cost of private healthcare in America makes me want to commit homicide, not suicide, lol. Also, I want to mention that I no longer have any faith in a God, since none of my prayers have ever been answered, even though I did good things like donate large sums of money to charity over the years.

Now, I am not some thirty year old virgin, and in fact I have gotten laid several times within the last couple of years. The thing is that, I need real companionship, not just a lay. I need someone to genuinely care about me. Plus, I've never really been with a woman that I felt was beautiful at all. They haven't all been hideous, but they were not a good match for me looks wise (due to female hypergamy in the US, plus lack of hot available women). I have always had to lower my standards. I lost my virginity to an older single mom when I was 21, because at the time I was desperate. Even though some here might criticize me for having lowered my standards, I honestly think that I would have gone on a killing spree if I hadn't done what I did. I used to fantasize about strapping powerful explosives to myself, and walking into a crowded nightclub filled with arrogant douchbags and bitchy sluts, and detonating the mother*cker (something that I was very capable of doing, since I have extensive knowledge about energetic compounds). This is how sexually frustrated I felt back then. I am definitely not some kind of sociopath though. Women treated me like absolute sh*t. I have had a couple of decent girlfriends since that time, but things didn't work out in the end, obviously.

Alright, enough of the b*tching and complaining. I'm not even sure if anyone here will read all the way though this rant. Anyway, I am seriously at my wits end. I just spent yet another New Year's Eve alone. I feel like I no longer want to go on. I have nothing to live for. Even foreign women are not enough of an incentive to keep me going at this point, since I fear many of them just want to take advantage of men like me. Why not just end my God damned life once and for all? I have thirty years on this planet, and most of it has been sh*t. I can't get a girlfriend to save my life, unless I opt for some used-up milf/cougar. Plus being on the E. Coast, the weather alone makes me want to die, and the women here are even colder than the weather. Why should I even bother to continue, with my life being this empty and hopeless? How do I turn this whole thing around?

Suicide might be a good option if it could be tested. But it can't. Once you push that button, it can't be undone. What if you get punished harshly for taking such action as soon as you reach the other side? What if it's 1,000s of time more painful than your life here and now? What if it goes on forever? Even the NDE people claim that if you take the suicide course, you will not escape your problems. But perhaps if you live this life out, you will escape, get past it.

Isn't the physical and even emotional pain tolerable enough to make it through another day? I mean, you just survived December 21 into Jan 1 and you are still OK. Can't you do that 365 more times, 3,650 more times, and 18,250 more times when you will finally be old enough to die naturally?

In the meantime, you can work on getting your problems here sorted out. If you can make some progress on that front, consider that you will have moved forward Karma wise.

If you push that button, you may regret it! You may be sent into extreme and constant pain and agony. So take the life option instead. It's no bed of roses for you now. But at least you know what you will get and it's tolerable at worst.

[zboy1]

How about a Russian mail order bride? Or find and marry a foreign women living in your town? I understand how you feel: I was the same way until I decided to change my life a couple of years ago. Thank goodness, I decided to change then and refocus my life to living overseas. I knew then I didn't have much time to do that, so I'm now ready with a college degree and have saved some money saved to do just that.

[Billy]

this reminds me of puahate. same topic.

i am probably of the few who thinks suicide is the best option. 30 years old is a good age for that as you have seen more than enough. shit won´t become much better.

i wanted to die young but i was to much of a chicken and to hopefull i guess. now, i am to old to die young. anyway, of course you have still many options to live an "acceptable" life if you want .


but truth be told life is shit and a bitch.

bottom line: if your genes "think" you sould move your ass, you will probably hear it.

you are still young. when i was around 20 years i wanted to make money so i worked my ass off. it made me tougher and i had more money. it allowed me to chill and have time to follow my interests.

in that time i thought a girl friend, car, nice home would make me happy. i found neither did it.

so if you still want to dwell in the matrix you have to decode it. like yakuza said it you can try different hobbies, art. the thing is you have to try different things and give yourself time to recover.

---
from the song lucky twice ( more the stupid fun method and not the yakuza warrior method)


You can fool yourself
I promise it will help
Now every single day
I just wanna hear you saying

Laughing through the day
Thinking you are never boring(?)
Speeding through the night
Maybe you not count the morning(?)

There's nothing you can do
To keep it out
There's nothing you can do
Just scream and shout

Living for today but you just can't find tomorrow
Talking 'bout the joy
But it never stops the sorrow

There's nothing you can do
To keep it out
There's nothing you can do
Just scream and shout
Saying

I'm
So lucky lucky
I'm
So lucky lucky
I'm
So lovely lovely
I'm
So lovely lovely

You can fool yourself
I promise it will help
Now every single day
I just wanna hear you saying


I'm
So lucky lucky
I'm
So lucky lucky
I'm
So lovely lovely
I'm
So lovely lovely

[abcdavid01]

Peace is a lie, there is only passion.
Through passion, I gain strength.
Through strength, I gain power.
Through power, I gain victory.
Through victory, my chains are broken.

Yakuza, the Sith are the bad guys! actually in the books the Emperor kind of had a point. Democracy means disunity and the emperor knew the galaxy was facing an imminent threat from Yuzhang Vong, so he tried to whip up the stormtrooper army to stop it.

Guy, you just have to find a purpose in life. I used to be suicidal, so I know what's up. My purpose? To protect my intelligence. What are you good at? Preserve your values. Never compromise on convictions.

[gsjackson]

Well, the basic hypothesis at this site is you can change your perspective by changing your circumstances. Just to take two of your current dilemmas, I'll offer my own experience.

Here in Tucson, Arizona, "the sun greets you every morning, and you can't wait to start the day," as a former basketball coach at the Univ. of Arizona put it. Climate really can make a big difference in your mood, if you're sensitive to it, as you apparently are. Get yourself to a sunnier, drier climate.

On the woman front, I'm currently dating a Brazilian -- first one -- and all I can say is that the passionate intensity is mind-boggling. I'm old and set in my ways, and to me it seems suffocating. But if you want a woman to engage you on all fronts -- sexually, emotionally, intellectually -- to take a genuine interest in you and constantly tell you you're wonderful; well, you might try Brazil.

The point is, things can change radically just by changing your circumstances, and that is something you can do.

[MrPeabody]

To be honest, this board has too much whining and complaining, more than any place else I have seen on the Internet. I don’t think it is any coincidence that the topic of suicide comes up here periodically. When all else fails you can actually take responsibility for your life, which includes responsibility for your state of mind. That’s why I have been criticizing the conspiracy stuff lately because it is just unnecessary negative fantasy and really does affect people emotionally. It is foolish dead weight – good for the DVD salesman, bad for you. In Mexico, I see people every day that have harder lives than me but they have a smile on their faces. Unfortunately, I don’t even pretend to be at that level, but consider it an ideal worth emulating. Cut the negative crap out of your lives, and recognize that life is hard for everyone.

[Cornfed]

Why should I even bother to continue, with my life being this empty and hopeless?

Rather than killing yourself, why not make it your mission in life to fight back against the evil ZOG regime that is responsible for your plight? Since you are already suicidal, you have nothing to lose. Just killing yourself is what they want. Best not to let the scum win.

[Disillusioned_American]

Thanks for the feedback, everyone. I've read everyone's reply so far (including the PMs I've received), and many valid points and good advice have been presented here. Maybe tomorrow I will address some of these responses, but for now I just don't have the energy for that. I basically slept most of the day (after staying up all night, thinking all manner of negative thoughts), as one poster here suggested, and I definitely feel a little better. BTW, I am certain that this lousy climate has a lot to do with how I'm feeling right now. Seasonal affective disorder is one diagnosis that I actually think is valid in the field of mental health. When I can't be outside, I feel horrible. I need to live in a climate where I can spend most of my time outdoors. Thanks guys.

[Jacaré]

OP:
There have been some great suggestions so far and suicide is definitely NOT the answer. It will be an indication that the evils around you have won and you can't do that. You've gotta to show them that you're much more than that. One of the best things to do in cases where you feel there's nothing to live for or the people around you are draining your energy and making it a hell to live in, is to simply relocate to a more positive, nurturing, supporting environment. Since you're young, why not go relocate overseas for a while? teaching English in Asia can be a great and potentially life saving and life enhancing experience for you! Being in warm, tropical location, with friendly, happy people and friendly, sweet, feminine women and making new friends can really be the answer. At this time, try to focus on finding a way to escape, both literally and figuratively from where you are to where you want to go/be. South East Asia is a perfect location to start. Whether it be China, Thailand, Philippines, Vietnam or anywhere else, you can't really go wrong man.

All the best and again, suicide is not the answer, very very far from it! The answer IMO is to change your environment. Life is too short and too beautiful to allow negative people to sip our energy/dreams down. Go where you will be appreciated, liked, loved, even admired. I strongly urge you to focus on relocating to South East Asia. If you don't have the money now, work for a few months and then, once you have say about 10k, you would have more than enough to take off and start a brand new positive chapter in your life in Asia. You can easily find a teaching job in China and then, network your way into higher and more fullfilling positions.

Best of luck buddy! If you want to chat, pm your skype.

[C.J.]

Peace is a lie, there is only passion.
Through passion, I gain strength.
Through strength, I gain power.
Through power, I gain victory.
Through victory, my chains are broken.

Yakuza, the Sith are the bad guys!

Haha, but you know what? The bad guys in the movies are actually the good guys. The satanists do this in scripts so that people can emulate the "good" guys - the worthless, heroic, give all with only thanks in return type... so that they can live the good life off their works and keep people ignorant of the ways of the world. How do you stop the competition? By making them think that competing is worthless.

A lot of the things the villains say in media are actually good words to live by, and are exactly what the satanists have done to keep themselves in power.