Dating Middle Class Filipinas?

[MarcosZeitola]

I had been talking recently to a middle class Filipina working in Singapore. There were a lot of issues with her, such as her making more money, having traveled more than I have, and most importantly her past made her un-marriageable in my eyes.

The money thing alone bothered me a lot. She was decently attractive, and was really pining for me, but how I am ever supposed to accept a girl who has so much of her own money to do things like travel? She was also being picky by choosing me, because she wanted a particular type of white guy. I told her to be open-minded about finding an Asian man, but she refused to listen to that. (You're always somebody's alpha...just not in the West more than likely.)

If you wanted a friends-with-benefits type of thing I could see dating middle class, but otherwise there's too much "independence" there. It would be a nightmare for me for a real relationship.

The type of girl you describe is one who works, makes her own money, travels around and likely had her fair share of (short-lived?) relationships. She's not that young anymore (21+) and not a virgin. Her family may have been either too liberal, or too strict, but whatever their conviction they were wealthy enough to provide her with the opportunity to study, work, travel and attain independence.

Now lets assume you meet another girl from a middle class background, but she made the decision not to find work after her study. Her friends and some of her relatives think she's crazy for "giving up on her education", but in spite of her brains and considerable ambition, her dream for herself is to be a stay-at-home mother. She wants nothing more then to raise a family, be a wife and matriarch to a growing family. Her family is no less middle class, her intelligence is no less then your working girl, but this girl wants to take her life in a different direction. She expects you to bring home the bacon. Nannies, daycare and the hustle and stress of city life are not her ideal.

I would not marry a career-oriented woman in a million years. You probably dodged a bullet. The highest quality women are the ones who put their focus on family first. Building that sort of legacy is a far more stable, admirable and lasting investment. My wife is an amazing mother, in no small part because she is physically there. This allows her to bond with our children very well. It's a beautiful thing to see, really moving, how close she is with our daughter. A girl with nothing but dollar bills in her eyes will never understand.

[mentor]

You were right, as somebody told it here some days ago, this 'money-helping-family' topic, is one of the hardest things to accept.

I have the intention to be honest an discuss this 'hot' topic from the early days of any new possible relationship.
I will set real expectations from the start, and the potential mate will know what I am thinking about, and what she has to accept or compromise with me.

[MarcosZeitola]

You were right, as somebody told it here some days ago, this 'money-helping-family' topic, is one of the hardest things to accept.

I have the intention to be honest an discuss this 'hot' topic from the early days of any new possible relationship.
I will set real expectations from the start, and the potential mate will know what I am thinking about, and what she has to accept or compromise with me.

If she loves you truly she will understand where you are coming from. And she will compromise, to some degree. After all, you will need enough money to support yourself, her, and your own children. Children can be expensive. So can owning a house. Or buying plane tickets. Life is expensive and most of the time, we cannot afford too much generosity. You have your own future to think about and I understand that.

What you need to understand, however, that her parents will always be in her life, and that a part of her will always feel bad for not helping them out. She wants to "give back". Repay them for the investments they put in her. For their love. You got to give her credit for being so caring, for loving her family. If you meet a woman who is perfectly fine with never sending a dime to her family, I am telling you that's a massive red flag right there. Marrying a selfish woman is a recipe for disaster.

Unless you wish to take your wife to Europe with you, you have to think of the bigger picture here: where do you see yourself in twenty years? How about thirty? What sort of retirement do you have invision for yourself and your wife? In the Philippines, your children are your retirement. If you establish a tradition of stinginess towards your in-laws, this may carry into future generations. You may set a bad example, and suffer the consequences later in life. You are too focused on money, and it may come back to bite you in the ass if you're not careful. So I am asking you to think long and hard about your motives, and how you see your future.

[mentor]

MarcosZeitola I appreciate your thoughts.
Mainly I could say there are two axis about this topic:

1- To completely understand this 'cultural' difference. For example, if a girl in my country would ever told me so, it would be a requirement from the outer space, and definitely a very selfish move! In my country, the old days, the father of the daughter should give dowry to be able to marry her daughter! This does not happen today, we are along from these traditions (although parents from man and woman usually help a new couple, in several ways), but I think you can get the point!

--------------

2- The second axis, it's the 'money' itself. Lets assume I understand what you told me, and I accept it completely. Right? Ok, I understand. But, wait a moment, what about the money? Does anyone asked me if I have it? Maybe I am having money for me and my girl(she will not work). I don't want kids, so maybe limit my selection, but this is an untouchable topic, so I take my decisions and go one this way. If I can just support me and my future wife, why should I f@@cked up, to be a good supplier to her parents? I honor them, I want to help, but I can't. Why somebody told me that there is a new barrier for me? 'Hey my friend, you know, you could support you and your girl, but....this is not enough!'. Why???? I mean, thank you for telling me. But do you tell me that I don't have chance to have a girl, because I am not having the money to send to her family? Is it fair? I wish I was a millionaire, to send them a lot! I would do it. But if I am struggling to support myself and my girl, should I die trying to support additional others?

At least, it was supposed that even the poorest man could have a poor filipina girl. Wrong?

Once again, I wanna tell, that I am not negative, I love to help people. It even helps my soul as a christian. But I don't think it's possible. Of course, in any disaster I could do my best, for my parents, my brother, my girl, and naturally about her family. But this could be only in exceptional basis. May we seem to be rich by filipino standards, but most of us (at least me) are just middle class citizens in western world, by financial aspect. I am financially independent, I can support myself, and a girl with few requirements, but that's all I can.

I want to respect their traditions. But, I cannot help even my own parents, if they need help! I tell them to accumulate their money for the future hard moments! Thanks God they have their own income so everything is ok from my side. But, if I cant help my own parents, should I be able to support my girl's parents? I want it but I cant! So? I will sacrifice many of my needs to support my girl, but somewhere there, there is a red line in my finance, at least in my current finance. So?

I am really confused with this axis.

[Banano]

I think there is lot of misunderstanding about all this. Are you saying that poor filipinos dont marry
Unless they are prepared to finance in-laws ?



How about your own parents, is women expected to support your family?
What if you have just enough money to support yourself and your wife?


Probem with expats is that they tend to attract very poor girls and these girls tell them how its part of culture or tradition to give money on a regular basis. Taking advantage of foreigner 101

[davewe]

I want to respect their traditions. But, I cannot help even my own parents, if they need help! I tell them to accumulate their money for the future hard moments! Thanks God they have their own income so everything is ok from my side. But, if I cant help my own parents, should I be able to support my girl's parents? I want it but I cant! So? I will sacrifice many of my needs to support my girl, but somewhere there, there is a red line in my finance, at least in my current finance. So?

I am really confused with this axis.

You're confused for two reasons: 1 - you've never been to the Philippines and had a relationship with a Filipina - so get on a plane; 2 - As I said before you are over thinking this and trying to compare to what you might do in your home country.

You absolutely, positively have the right to set a budget and stick to it (or like the rest of us try to stick to it). But depending on what woman you are with, priorities will change. One Filipina might want fancy clothing, jewelry and electronics. Another might be happy if you help her family - just a little bit. Most Western women are in the former category; I prefer the latter.

The problem with most Westerners in a 3rd world country is that they will never understand or attempt to understand the culture. You can choose to understand or not; the former will make you very happy with a Filipina; the latter will not.

Let me try one last example. My wife works very hard in the US for a very small amount by Western standards. She spends a pittance on clothing for herself, occasional female items, and occasional presents for her husband who gets embarrassed as he doesn't need them and only needs her. She saves the rest. She has a goal and is determined to hit it before she stops working. In the last year she's saved a large amount. I know that she is saving this money to ensure some of her needs in the future and needs or emergencies for her family. I am very proud of her. A Westerner socks away a few bucks and spends it on some crap he doesn't even need. A good Filipina saves it for a rainy day or to help less fortunate family members. If you consider that attitude to be a bad thing you will not be happy with a Filipina. Me? I consider it a great thing!

[The_Adventurer]

So do Chinese. I don't know where some people get the idea that only Filipinos do that. I know Chinese guys in their 30's who won't get married yet because they know they must support their own parents and the wife's parents. I have a friend whose wife has a great job in the video game industry and they still fight because he doesn't give her money. She doesn't even need it! It's just cultural.

This is very true. I used to be married to a Chinese woman and we sent $500 USD monthly to her parents, even though they didn't need it.

My wife is constantly trying to push me to send money to my parents in America. I keep trying to explain to her, "They have way more than us Honey..."

[Ghost]

.

[mentor]

Not a virgin, of course, so that instantly disqualified her for marriage.

Can you explain it a little bit?

[Ghost]

.

[mentor]

Not a virgin, of course, so that instantly disqualified her for marriage.

Can you explain it a little bit?

Women who do not save their virginity for their husband do not deserve marriage.

Very nice declaration, being a christian I want it too.
But I can also understand that there are good girls who are deceived by many guys, some guys seem serious and they are not etc. So I do not want to be absolute about it, and blame the girls alone.

I have also read that some families want to be paid for this virginity of the daughters, so this is not something I like it as a tactic.

[Ghost]

.

[mentor]

I have to be absolute about it or I will end up miserable. Compromise is for business, or work, or something like that. This is my unbreakable principle.

All girls have to do is keep their legs closed until marriage. If she can't do such a simple thing, I could never be happy with her nor could I trust her.

If she'll spread her legs with another guy before marriage, she'll spread her legs with another guy after marriage.

I like your reasoning.
But tell me, is it possible to find out virgin girls?
I mean, how much does a conversation has to proceed in order to ask a girl if she is virgin?

I saw a few online profiles with filipinas, telling 'no boyfriend since birth' or 'had no relationship before', but these were really very few cases.
Maybe there are others too, but they do not declare it online.

On the other hand, I have really terrible experience in my life, with a virgin girl, who was with me for many years, long term relationship, strong bonding, and many other things I do not want to mention here.
She does f@@ed my life completely. She ruined me by many aspects. I cannot give more details, but it is just my truth.
She was virgin, I was the one and only, but, her problematic character was revealed over time, and the shy and innocent girl was transformed to almost a bitch!
So, I had to reconsider my position about it.
Because, 'what it seems to shine, it is not always gold'.

[Ghost]

.

[mentor]

If I really want to consider the girl marriage material, I ask fairly quickly. Sometimes on the same day. And I don't just straight up ask with no context. I say something like this:

"I want to be honest with you about what I'm looking for. I am only willing to marry a virgin girl. This is my principle and I won't change it. I want to be honest with you about this because I don't want to waste my time or yours and I don't want either of us to get hurt. Just please be honest with me."

I usually say more than that, but that's the gist of it. Respectful, solemn, serious. In my experience, mostly with Filipinas, no need to wait long.

What is your success rate in filipina virgins quest?
Just to have a clue, because it seems a rare thing in our days.