This man is a few years older then me, in his mid-twenties now. In his home country he used to make a living flipping burgers at McDonalds. In the weekends he would go out with high school friends and co-workers, and drink heavily. He had one serious relationship with a European girl for two years, but was dumped at 21. The years that followed, he mostly spent pissing away what little money he made. His father was a middle aged car mechanic who worked for the company of a Belgian man. Said Belgian man, in the words of my Happier Abroad comrade, "looked like the cartoon character Shreck". Nonetheless, he proudly told the burger chef's father, he had a cute Filipina wife. The father and his boss talked about the matter, and Mr. Shreck was feeling in a helpful mood. "I met my wife through a penpal service, we married two years ago. She was happy to marry me and we have it good. But her best friend, in her hometown, is still looking for a good man."
Now the mechanic knew his son was miserable, had no direction in life since he had become single and started dating the bottle. He talked to his boss, who talked to his wife, and sooner rather then later the young European man was writing his first letter to a Filipina in a tiny village on the other side of the globe. The response was enthusiastic, in the letters that followed they really hit it off. Could this be the one? Our young friend started saving up, becoming more fiscally responsible. He no longer drank to excess and started living a healthier lifestyle.
The young lovers met up about half a year after the first exchange of letters. They met in Singapore, where she was working at the time. She was 25 years old, had studied finances in college and had a fairly good career. He was 23, a simple fastfood employee. She was a shapely, curvy 5'2" with light-brown skin and a somewhat Polynesian look to her. He was 5'6", skinny, pasty-skinned and rather homely looking. A more cynical mind would have thought, maybe she saw him as a meal ticket? But I honestly cannot see it as having been anything but genuine chemistry, since he had very little to offer her and with his country's strict immigration policies, a green card or it's local equivalent was not exactly an option. Long story short; they roamed around Singapore for a few weeks. They had fun, so much fun in fact she took off from work and they took a cheap flight to her home town where they met with her family. This is where he went down on one knee and proposed to her... a bit soon, you might think, but when you don't shit gold and flights are expensive, you have to make do. "It just felt right", he later told me.
They got married a while later, in early 2013. Around this time, her contract ended. Our young hero went back to flipping burgers in his home country, moving back in with his parents to save money. His new wife also went back to her country, having found a new job in Baguio which also gave her a decent income. Both worked, and both saved up. In their free time they started looking up paper work and requirements for permanent visas, as he planned to take his new bride to his country. Things did not go smoothly, and soon he discovered he could not possibly bring her to his country because he did not meet the requirements... to take her with him, he would have to make a certain amount of money and he needed a long-term contract. He told her, she was not very pleased, but they agreed they needed to be together and promised to "make it work no matter what". So, change of plans! She could not come to him, so he would come to her! They did a 180 and he decided to go for a one year visa in the Philippines, which he would renew every year. In order to do so, he would have to give up his job, his contract and any benefits his government might have given or owed him. He loved her, he needed to be with her, and no price was too high. So he did exactly that.
Fast forward a few more months, and it's February 2015. The young European guy, now 25, flies to meet his Filipina wife, now 28. He quit his job at McDonalds for her, and she quit her job as an accountant in Baguio for him. They put their savings together and decide to make a living in her home town. Since they cannot afford a house of their own, they move in with her family; her 60 year old father, her 52 year old mother, her two younger sisters and her alcoholic, college dropout younger brother. About a week later, they are told that the two nieces that are staying "for 1 week" will be dumped there permanently as her mother leaves for a job as a maid in Dubai... Surely, this setting seems like a recipe for success, no?
The tiny village is lacking in a few things, and the young entrepeneurs seek to provide the villagers with them. One thing the village lacks, is an internet shop. Another, a restaurant. There are little food places but no Western fastfood. So the young European guy decides they should buy a grill and start a little burger joint! His wife, who knows a thing about computers, will take the internet shop as her responsibility. They put together all of their savings and have a small shop built next to her parents' house, close to the center of town and next to a fairly busy road that leads to the local Catholic church. He buys a grill, looks for a place where he can purchase the cheapest meat patties and the most affordable bread. She purchases a few computers, has internet installed (pricey!) and also buys a printer in installments so people can copy and print documents. Shortly after, they're in business! The burgers, which are very low in price, sell fairly well but make little profit. The internet shop does not exactly make them millionaires either as the connection is very slow and only the main computer (the one operated by the wife) has any decent internet speed. Either way, the shop makes them enough money to live, to eat. It leaves them with little to save up, but even though they don't make much the young European man is dreaming big plans... he wants a big restaurant down town, he wants to set up an annual festival, a pub... so many plans, so little funds.
By the time I meet him, a few months after his move, he is extremely happy to see me. So happy is he to see a fellow countryman, he immediately offers me a free burger and does not stop talking. My wife and daughter, who I brought with me for the occasion, are hardly dignified with a response. I am struck by the impression that this fellow is a bit odd, that he may be somewhat socially awkward and not awfully clever. At the same time, he is jolly and sometimes funny. His accent makes him hard to understand at times, as he comes from a very rural far-away place of my country. His knowledge of the English language is rather appalling, and I have heard rice farmers who would sound like Shakespeare next to him. Overall, my impression of him is not too bad. He's a well-meaning simple mind, trying to make the most of his life. I invite him to the house of my in-laws, in which we are staying. He arrives the next day, sans wife. He comes over a few more times, and we talk a lot. He talks to me about his life. About his relationship. And about his in-laws... they are very shy, silent people and uneducated. The guy is equally uneducated, but is very talkative to the point that he never shuts up. The only person he sometimes talks to besides his wife, is a local carpenter who's also made some woodwork in my wife's room. And then there's the alcoholic brother-in-law, who has started displaying very erratic behavior after hitting his head on the road a few weeks prior. The guy feels lonely, and after we share a few beers he convides in me that he started drinking again. Alone, by himself in his in-laws' house and sometimes in the shop after closing time... he tried joining his brother-in-law and his friends, perhaps hoping to find some drinking buddies, but "they're all shy to talk English to me... and I feel they make fun of me sometimes".
I feel bad for the guy and so I invite him over a few more times. I feel he is leaning a bit too heavily on our friendship... sees me as some sort of savior. So I decide to introduce him to some new, local friends. I advice him to take a more active role in the community, show up in Church more often. When we celebrate my daughter's birthday party, I invite over a hundred people and one of the guests is the priest, who I introduce to my fellow foreigner. I also introduce him to my wife's uncle, who is a very bright man and an excellent musician - the European guy likes to play music and used to be in a band with his father as a teenager. I feel he is starting to become more at ease, and becomes more familiar with the village. Bit by bit, he is coming out of his shell. I'm happy for him. But he keeps coming back, and when he does he shares stories with me about his family, his wife. Apparently his wife is not pleased at their life situation at all. She thinks he lacks ambition, she says at this rate they will never have a house of their own and that he should have just taken her to his country... she points out that the wife of the Belgian factory owner "has nice things". A garden, a house, a car... and she has nothing! No ambition.
But my new friend, he is fine with the way things are. He does not need much. The problems, however, keep adding up. For one, they cannot conceive. Despite being married two-and-half years, the wife has still not gotten pregnant. My own wife has given birth already to a healthy daughter despite us having been married roughly a year after them. She questions his manhood. His ability to provide for her. His drive to succeed in life. One time he goes to Manila with some of his new-found friends I helped him meet, and he decides to have a few drinks. Drunk, he stays the night and arrives home later then expected. His wife is furious, yells at him, accuses him of cheating on her... he storms out, goes to our house and says he cannot handle it any longer. He takes a few breathes, we give him a cup of coffee and some food. He thanks us, leaves and books a hotel in the nearest city where he stays for three days. Then he returns, talks to his wife. Kiss and make up. The stress of dealing with the overcrowded household of his new family, the European proclaims, is the sole reason for their marital woes. His solution? They go to the nearest city, rent a small appartment for two and leave the shop in the hands of her parents and siblings.
For the time being, the situation seems to have solved, their problems behind them. I fly home to work some more, save up some more, before embarking on my own permanent adventure abroad... I stay in in-frequent contact with the European guy and his wife, we Facebook a few times and my wife keeps me informed on some of the more saucy details she's heard of. Apparently her siblings are less-then-stellar at handling their affairs, the shop fails to make as money as expected and the appartment and cost of living in the city proves higher then expected. The wife, meanwhile, keeps nagging and they fail to conceive, thus far, the much-desired half-white baby as Mrs. Zeitola and I already plan number two. As it turns out, the foreigner had an accident that messed up his spine and he cannot work any longer. His wife tries to pursuade him to return to his home country to claim benefits, and send those home so he can "at least be useful some way". He gets lonelier and lonelier, without the social life I helped him build in the village. Every week he goes home for a day or so, and spends time with my wife's uncle playing music and having jamming sessions. Last month, he decided, at last, he would return to his country. He plans to claim benefits for a year or two, and have his spine operated on while he is there. I warn him, he may have given up his right of benefits, but he says he will "find a loophole".
Today he was supposed to fly home. He had everything packed and was ready to go. Passport? Check. Credit cards? Check. Cash money? Check. Any official documents required? Check. Also with him were most of his clothes and personal belongings in a bag. He walks to the nearest bus stop, late in the evening trying to catch the night bus to Manila. Half a block from his house he is attacked by three men on a tricycle. They beat him up badly and take all of his belongings. He crawls, stumbles home to his wife, who berrates him before fixing him up. With no money to even get on a bus, and without a passport, he is forced to cancel the flight at the last minute and unsure he will even receive a refund as he has no travel insurance. He sends me a facebook message in the morning, while I am at work. We chat and he tells me the whole story. I sympathize, offer to help out in small ways wherever I can. If he feels lonely at Christmas, his wife and him are very welcome to join us in our celebration. He sends back a bittersweet smiley, and I know the face of the man hitting "enter" is all but smiling... to make matters worse, I hear his grandmother back home is dying and wants to see him one last time. His back pain worsened by the attack, his passport gone and having lost hundreds of dollars on a cancelled flight, his future seems bleak.
I don't think I need to point out the mistakes he made, the things he should have done better. Some of it is stupidity, a lot of it just plain bad luck. For a while this man thought he had found paradise on earth, but he was brutally hit over the head with reality. While me and Mrs. Zeitola meticulously planned our every move for more then a year in advance and have a good chance at succeeding, this man's happy-go-lucky approach and lack of preparation backfired on him. A few months from now he will return home with his tail behind his legs, a broken man, and considering his marital woes I am not even entirely certain he will come back to his wife.
One man's heaven is another man's hell. Let us all hold a moment of silence for our fallen comrade; the Happier Abroader who didn't make it.
